


Fire Has a Cold Half

by Danally



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 124,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22803229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danally/pseuds/Danally
Summary: Ser Podrick is destined to spend time in Winterfell because of a foreboding feeling from, not the King of the Six Kingdoms, but Bran Stark. The news are not welcomed by Sansa or by the Lords in the North but she knows that, for her safety, it is paramount to listen to the warning and to convince her subjects to accept the presence of the man whom they believe might be a spy for the King.Neither Podrick nor Sansa, not eve Bran suspect the consequences that their actions will trigger.
Relationships: Podrick Payne & Sansa Stark, Sansa Stark/Podrick Payne
Comments: 59
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

**.**  
**.**

At the time she was in the Vale of Arryn. Her cousin, Robyn was to marry the daughter of the region’s most important Lord and her visit was expected because of their blood ties. It wasn’t like she was close to her cousin but her presence was necessary to secure current interests and those that may arise in the future.  
  
Robyn was no longer the sickly kid from his childhood and although being raised among knights had made him less overprotected and bratty than when his mother lived, he sometimes seemed to lose control of his emotions and would act impulsively and with arrogance.  
  
Truthfully, her presence at the wedding was more for Lord Royce’s sake than Robyn’s. It was an open secret that, because of his changing temper, Robyn wasn’t apt to command the second largest army in Westeros and, therefore, Lord Royce’s youngest daughter would marry her cousin so that her father would take control of the army... Lord Royce already had control but the wedding would consolidate the matter nicely.  
  
Besides, it was a chance to create new pacts and trade treaties with other regions, The North needed it. Although they were faring well, they were the poorest realm and the one with the least resources to trade, a three-year long winter had just passed and they were making do with what provisions had remained after the Long Night, so it was imperative to start preparing for the next winter during the spring and the summer. Even if winter was long to come as the Maesters from the Citadel claimed.  
  
Some Northern Lords weren’t pleased by her request for Independence when she did because they argued that it would have been better _after_ winter was over so that the King would have had to give them provisions and aid. _But how did they think that those provisions would make it to those remote location with the few existing roads, which were impregnable due to the strong winds and snow storms?_ It wasn’t the first time that the North would have to make it on its own.   
  
And now that there was some respite she needed to ingratiate herself more with _most_ of her subjects, their loyalty was paramount. Loyalty and power were the only things she needed to stop worrying about her safety.  
Besides, one of her advisors had reminded her that calm often followed the storm.  
It was a never-ending cycle and she would always have to be prepared for it.  
  
Leaving her worries aside she looked around her, southern Lords which made her nervous; in the North she had almost full support but here... she had blind trust for Ser Royce because he had become her advisor once Littlefinger had been tried. He had been her guide when Jon left her in charge of Winterfell. She trusted Robyn and her uncle Edmure because they were family but her trust wasn’t blind, she also trusted some Lords but she always kept in mind that only the slightest of changes would be enough to sow distrust and plant doubts.  
  
She was a woman and the rumor beyond the North was that she had taken the North because of her ties with her brother. She also had solid blood connections with Lords from other realms and she was a Stark; she had only taken the North _because of her family name_. And the only remaining Lannister, her ex-husband, was the Hand of the King and he seemed to have a soft spot for her, the same was true for the King’s Lord Commander herself. Her connections were the only thing that her detractors saw in her and they were partly right. But she had proven to herself in the past few years that she was apt for ruling.  
  
This visit had been scheduled but the meeting that was taking place was not. Although most points had little to do with the North she paid attention to see what she could learn and use later at home, but she also paid attention to her surroundings: the nearest exits, her closest and more trusted guards, the window that she wasn't facing. The corridor that led to that hall and to a narrow passage, the stairs that led to a garden.   
  
While a lord talked, and boasted she couldn’t help but be distracted by a hushed voice singing in the distance. She frowned for a few seconds until she decided to focus on the meeting.  
  
Once the meeting was over, and while they walked through a platform that surrounded the yard she fixed her eyes on the men who were gathered around a bonfire, there was a familiar face, “is that Podrick Payne?” she asked Lord Royce who was walking beside her. _She thought she heard his voice._  
  
He looked to where _Her Grace_ was looking and nodded “Yes, it is.” and he decided to correct her “He’s _Ser_ Podrick Payne, now. And he is part of the Kingsguard.” _Didn’t she know that, or had she forgotten it?_  
  
Sansa furrowed her brow, she didn’t recall Brienne telling her about that but it made perfect sense since the young man was always in the _Lord Commander’s_ highest esteem. “What is he doing here?” _the Kingsguard was meant to protect her brother_ but she could see that Ser Podrick wasn’t wearing any armor, “who is he escorting?” she asked, since she knew from a letter that Bran wouldn't attend the ceremony.  
  
“He is a guest, Ma’m. My nephew and my son have the highest esteem for him. They became friends when the Vale’s army stayed at Winterfell.” From the corner of his eye he saw her nodding.  
  
A Lord who was walking behind her saw all the lords looking at the man in question, “Isn’t that the Knight who was knighted by a woman?” he asked mockingly and disapprovingly. _That was the Knight who used to clean the King of the Six Kingdom’s arse_. His words were unmeasured and impulsive, and he saw that Ser Royce was looking at him flushed with anger.  
  
Sansa continued walking without bothering to look at the man who had spoken those words “...I know Ser Podrick, I’m sure he is quite proud of that…” It was usual enough that people looked down on her because of her gender, she could only guess how it would be for Brienne... “I know I am, it’s not every day that you meet someone who has been sworn as a Kingsguard and who keeps his vows. _I have the highest regards for Ser Brienne’s loyalty.”_  
  
Ser Royce bowed his head, “he is a good man and Ser Brienne a great woman,” he said that honestly.  
  
Another Lord decided to chip in, “Ser Brienne’s reputation is flawless; I assure you, Your Grace, that if she was present my brother would be embarrassing me, following her around relentlessly, asking her questions and proclaiming his admiration. We, younger people, are more permissive than some lords who hold on to old traditions…”   
  
Sansa didn’t think those words were sincere, she knew them to be appeasing and meant to stand out, _to butter her up._ She didn’t turn to look at the man because she knew that’s what he wanted, “it isn’t being permissive, it’s seeing the reality in front of you and disregard her because she is a woman, and probably stronger that most of the Lords present here...” she looked at Lord Royce shaking her head and rolling her eyes tiredly, showing him that she wouldn’t have the words of his allies against him.  
  
“...Yes, I heard she beat the Hound once.”  
  
“She did.” Lord Royce confirmed since he knew about it.  
  
Sansa continued talking only to Lord Royce, “I would have liked to meet Ser Brienne here than Ser Podrick but I suppose I can’t be too picky...”  
  
Lord Royce smiled and lowered his head. They continued walking until they reached one of the main halls where the feast would take place, he guided her to the dais where she would sit beside Robyn, and Lord Royce would sit next to his daughter.  
  
After a few speeches here and there, after the food had been served and several toasts were made, the celebration was in full swing. Her uncle Edmure who sat next to her started a conversation to kill time, she noticed. Sansa subtly sought out Podrick more than once but she couldn't find him, him or most of the knights that were with him before, surely, having decided to leave the most lavish part of the celebrations. After some time, once her uncle left her to socialize and when she felt she could go unnoticed, she left the hall asking one of her guards to help her find _Ser Podrick._  
.  
.  
.

Podrick was in the yard in front of the bonfire, ale in hand and talking to some knights about some battles that they had impossibly survived, when he saw that the men facing him raised their eyes and immediately stood up. When he looked over his shoulder he saw three of the Queen’s guards and the Queen herself walking towards them. His instinct kicked in because he suddenly found himself standing, turning and bowing reverently before her along with his companions, “Your Grace,” all of them greeted. Podrick saw her perfect pose as she bowed in turn at the show of respect, and he was not too surprised to see her looking at him directly, with a smile that she had never given him before. He stopped himself from looking behind him to be sure that the gesture was directed at him, but he hardly managed to.   
  
“Good evening Ser Podrick,” she greeted without hiding her excitement at seeing an acquaintance from her past, even if they hadn’t shared much, “...I was wondering if you wouldn't mind having a talk with me, after you’re done with your friends, of course.”  
  
She hadn’t come looking for him _in person_ to have that talk _after he was done with his friends._ He knew very well that he was blushing, not only because he was honored that she had come looking for him directly, but also because his companions realized that he had her regards, _“Of course, my lady.”_ he said, and immediately realized his mistake and corrected himself, “ _...Your Grace_...I’m sorry, some habits are hard to quit,” he said, absentmindedly rushing to leave the circle of friends, not even saying goodbye and letting her lead the way.  
  
“It’s surprising to find you here, Ser Podrick.”  
  
“I heard you were here a little while ago. I was going to look for you... to congratulate you on your coronation...” he couldn't remember exchanging words with her since long before he and Ser Brienne escorted her along with the remaining forces of the North to rescue Jon from the Unsullied. “I just didn’t think it proper to come up to you out of the blue,” he had thought about talking to Lord Royce first.  
  
Ser Podrick knew how to follow protocol and he was always polite to her and although they were just acquaintances he had been ready to give his life for hers when she was running away from Ramsay Bolton. It would be ungrateful of her not to stop and say hello for a few minutes, “I have to congratulate you too, from squire to knight and then becoming a part of the Kingsguard.”  
  
He exhaled and smiled, “A promotion I didn’t see coming.” He knew that Ser Brienne keep correspondence with her, he suspected Lord Tyrion did as well, and he assumed that the King too but he had never been part of her inner circle. _He just skirted around the edges._  
  
“ _Oh, Podrick,_ it’s such a nice surprise to find you here...” she said without hiding her emotions and without noticing how her words pleased him. “I mean, _Ser Podrick._ ”  
  
Her excitement caught his attention because their dealings with one and other had been minimal, a word or sentence here and there while they made way to Castle Black, or when he would bring a message from Lady Brienne. Also, rumor had it she was cold, distant and calculating since she became Queen. And he thought it was odd to have the exact opposite before him, “It’s good to see you to, _Your Grace._ ” He bowed throwing her a side glance, she had changed very little in these two or three years. If anything, he noticed that she seemed more mature _but he assumed he did as well._ She looked dignified and somehow more beautiful than before, her demeanor even more regal.  
  
“It will be so refreshing to hear about Bran and Brienne and King’s Landing and not just read about it from the short letters I get from them.”  
  
Podrick didn’t expect her to have sought him out for another reason, to be excited just from seeing him. But he would have liked it if she had approached him just to greet him and ask him how he was. _He couldn’t be too sensitive, though. She was doing him an honor._ He followed her to where she led, an iron-forged table sitting in the yard, which was far from a big window that let them see and hear the sounds of the celebration inside the main hall.  
  
They took a seat and Sansa saw that her three guards were too close, “It’s alright,” she told them, “he’s trustworthy.”  
  
Podrick studied the men without recognizing any of them, and he saw them keeping enough distance to give them some privacy but staying close enough to reach them in a few strides should he try anything against her.  
  
“Bran _is Bran_ , he doesn’t tell me much in his letters and I exchange words with Ser Brienne but we’re always prudent with what we write.”  
  
So he gave her the words she wanted to hear, “Your brother is well, Ma’m. Being omniscient helps and when it doesn’t, his council does.” he saw no reason to burden her with matters of that council, about Ser Bronn’s dismal performance; he wasn’t competent and when he should fall not even his friendship with Lord Tyrion would help him. _But those were private affairs that he knew not to talk about._  
  
And talk they did, _for a long while._  
  
He told her about _everything_ that was prudent to tell and she mostly asked about her brother and how he was doing dealing with the realms. They talked about Brienne, about Tyrion, a couple of times he made her smile with the tales of the absurd obstacles that came across their ways and _he definitely kept her entertained._ At every opportunity he got, he stole a few glances because, although he had always known his place, it didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate her beauty, “And you, Ma’m, how are you doing?”  
  
“...I think you are well aware that ruling is not easy.”  
  
He nodded, “nothing to envy.” He smiled, “I saw Lord Glover a while ago,” _which he found odd,_ even more so if he had come with her retinue.  
  
The Lord that would lend his support only to back down once they called upon his bannermen, “I had to make some concessions but I warned him that deserting us would be the last thing his house would want to do next time.”  
  
“Hopefully, there will be no next time.” he said and she couldn't agree more.  
  
Suddenly a maid stopped in front of them, she was carrying a tray with a jar of wine and three cups. One of her guards took the tray and stepped away. Sansa saw Podrick following the guard with his eyes as he served some wine, studied it, smelled it and took several sips, “occupational hazard.” _He was screening for poison._  
  
Podrick nodded. There was no need for that with her brother, _The thee-eyed raven saw everything._  
  
She took notice of Podrick’s profile; he hadn’t change a lot since the last time she saw him, he was thinner, maybe, _or maybe_ his boyish face had given way to a man’s face, though he didn’t quite lose the good-natured and innocent look that defined him, which she found odd since he was a soldier, a killer; he had seen and committed his share of atrocities and though they had surely made a mark, not even his eyes had hardened.  
  
He turned to her once more and caught her looking away from his face, which she had been studying, he felt a blush but decided to dismiss it, “...do you like being Queen?” he decided to ask after a few moments and he did because her brother took to the job almost indifferently.  
  
For a few moments she hesitated at the question, “...it has its ups and downs, like everything I suppose.”  
  
He nodded, “...Too many responsibilities.”  
  
“ _Way too many”_ she admitted, “too many worries, as well.” she added, “But I actually like it, it gives me something to do, it keeps me busy, it keeps my mind from wondering over trivial things and most importantly; I drew the benefits as I protect myself.”  
  
Podrick nodded, aware of it, “... Your subjects and people love you.” he had even heard lord Tyrion setting her up as an example. The North was austere and arid yet they had suffered one of the worse seasons out of all the realms with lower nutrition-related death rates when all the castles worked together by gathering the region’s resources and divided justly their contents of grain stores. Even in the coldest and Northern most regions the Lords opened their keeps’ doors for the people who needed it the most to seek refuge from the merciless cold. Of course, the rumors and gossip overlooked all the efforts and logistics that were involved, all the problems that were avoided.  
  
_Not completely_ , “...That doesn't happen without arranging for some future commitments.” she commented and after a while she saw him looking at her hand, “Not that kind of commitment yet.” she felt at ease, offering a genuine smile at denying his assumptions, which she herself found odd a couple of seconds later. One of her biggest fears was that _, a commitment,_ another unwanted marriage. She had to be the owner of her destiny and she would only get that through power and by staying in the Throne.  
_Sometimes, when she least expected it, she became obsessed with her own safety, with loyalty, with the Crown._  
  
He smiled back and when her smile turned sad he suspected what she wouldn’t say, _the last thing she was interested in was another marriage._ Knowing –or at least suspecting– what she had gone through with Lord Bolton, he felt his chest ache with sympathy. Podrick spoke after a couple of seconds, “You can’t blame me for assuming, you are the most coveted bachelorette in all of Westeros, Ma’m.”  
  
“Lucky me, _right?_ ” she asked without enthusiasm in an ironic tone. She looked to the guard with the wine feeling her mouth suddenly dry.  
  
Podrick didn’t want to continue pursuing that line of thought, he could feel that the subject made her defensive and he couldn’t blame her. He saw the guard approaching and he followed him as he put down the tray. He immediately stood to serve the wine and to hand her a cup.  
  
She took a small sip that she used to wet her lips, “and how is life going for _Ser Podrick Payne_?”  
  
He smiled at that, “I can’t complain, Ma’m. My dream came true and then I became a Kingsguard to your brother.”  
  
Ser Brienne had asked her to establish a Queensguard in the North since they didn’t have that tradition and she had, though she had given her guards more freedom than in the south, such as being free to have families. Truthfully, her Queensguard consisted in a fistfuls of well-trained and loyal soldiers handpicked by Ser Brienne herself. Family men whose immediate relatives obtained rewards that few families without renown would get in order to dissuade them from attempting treason. “Was becoming a Kingsguard an imposition? did you feel you couldn’t refuse Ser Brienne?” she was, after all, aware of the sacrifices a Kingsguard would have to make in regard to his personal life.   
  
Her question surprised him, “it was an honor, Ma’m,” he said frowning.  
  
_She didn’t doubt it had been,_ “I meant, is it lonely, belonging to the Kingsguard? Refusing all the travel and adventures that would come your way just for being a knight? Renouncing to a family in the future? Being a Knight and Being a Kingsguard are different things.”  
  
“I can still enter tourneys, and I do miss being on the road...” he saw her nodding and he wanted to say yes, that he missed the adventure, the excitement but he wasn’t so certain because adventure and emotion were linked with killing or being killed. He took a few sips from his cup blushing at was he was about to say “as for a family, I never had a close relationship with mine, I didn’t consider it much. And, as for loneliness.... I’ve had plenty of time to realize that all of us who were involved in the War of the Five Kings are lonely one way or another.” At least in King’s Landing Ser Brienne, Lord Tyrion, him and Ser Davos kept each other company, they were a small family. Queen Sansa was completely alone in the frozen North. And she had been quite aloof; maybe it was because of that loneliness, that she had been happy to see a familiar face from her past.  
  
She raised her eyebrows at that, feeling uncomfortable at the truth in those words “...Perhaps too lonely…” she admitted, taking a sip of her wine. Arya, somewhere in the world without her family. Jon, in the true North without his family. Bran, without his family. Herself, without her family.   
  
Podrick lowered his gaze, “must be occupational hazards,” he replied, “and I know Ser Brienne regretted not attending to your Coronation, Ma’m.”   
  
She took a deep breath, “and how is _Ser Brienne_ doing? Being the first female Knight, Kingsguard and Lord Commander?” _it couldn't be as simple and easy as she said in her letters,_ “Is she discriminated because of her gender?”  
  
_Even he was discriminated for having been knighted by her,_ “Let’s just say that she has a way to put haughty people in their place.”  
  
_Good._ “And you? I assume they look down on you for being knighted by a woman?”  
  
Podrick shrugged, a gesture she wouldn’t look upon with forgiving eyes, he realized, “She gave me the chance to have another knight doing it.” he stated, “Even Lord Tyrion and Ser Davos tried to convince me but...you know I appreciate and admire her, it was my honor.”  
  
_Ser Podrick was a good man,_ “To Ser Brienne.” she said raising her cup, he mimicked her toast as they both smiled. Sansa sought company in very few occasions, least of all male company, but she was happy with her decision to look for him. It was good for her to relax every once in a while and this was innocent and inconsequential. _To lower her defenses._ Although she knew that _the Queen_ being seen enjoying a few drinks with a man would be frowned upon, it would be worse to do it in private, “...I didn’t want her to leave my side but she had fulfilled the oath she made to my mother. And if someone needs a guard of her caliber, that’s Bran.”  
  
_He had been surprised at the turn of events, at Brienne deciding to stay in King’s Landing._ Suddenly, the image –actually, the outline– of a man staring at them from behind the great window caught his attention, so much so that it made him uncomfortable. Through the darkness he could see that he was well dressed and imposing. After several moments where the man continued to stare at him, and not knowing what to do, Podrick raised his cup to him and the man immediately broke his gaze.

He turned his eyes to _Her Grace_ who, noticing that something else had caught his attention, turned to look over her shoulder; Podrick saw the man looking at her and she turned back to him while sitting more comfortable against the backrest. “Do you know him?” something told him that she did, and that she didn’t like his presence.   
  
She wet her lips with the wine, “he’s the son of one of my advisors. He’ll replace his father once he leaves us. He is very ill.”  
  
_“Ah.”_ Though that didn’t fully explain it.  
  
They carried on talking for a few more minutes though they both were coming to the conclusion that they were running out of subjects.  
  
He pointed to her head, “I like the crown, I think it’s fitting.”  
  
_“Fitting?”_ she asked.  
  
He considered his words, it was a simple crown but that could be taken badly, “Austere like the North. No gold, no jewels or too elaborate details.” If he wasn’t mistaken it was forged from hard steel and it was not as imposing as those used in previous reigns. King Bran’s was also simple.  
  
Sansa smiled, _that had been the idea_ , she knew that it wasn’t proper but she carefully took it off and handed it to him since he couldn’t stop staring at it, “...I see you learned something from your time in Winterfell.”  
  
Shocked at her gesture he studied the wolves on the front, “I don’t get it, why is one wolf going for the other’s neck?” It was something he had been wondering for a while.  
  
“He’s not attacking him. It’s a wolf supporting the other one.” _The lone wolf dies but the pack survives._ It was something her father used to say but now seeing how all her family had gone in different directions, she couldn’t help but find the words a bit empty.  
  
“I hear they call you the Wolf Queen and the Red Wolf.”  
  
Sansa let out a sigh at that as she got the crown back, “a familiar nickname, I suppose.”  
  
Podrick took a deep breath realizing she was indifferent to the nickname, “For how long will you stay, Ma’m?”  
  
“I’m leaving tomorrow evening, after the ceremony.”  
  
That surprised him, “Tomorrow evening? Wouldn’t it be more prudent to travel by day?”  
  
_Her Queensguard had said the same thing_ “The shorter time away from Winterfell, the better,” she saw him nodding, “and you? When are you leaving?”  
  
“In three days.”  
  
“Didn’t a representative of my brother’s come in his stead?” _That, she found odd._  
  
“Of course, Ma’m, but I don’t think you know him. I can introduce you if you’d like.”  
  
She shook her head, her thoughts going back to her brother, “Is everything going well with Bran’s rule? Tell me the truth...”  
  
“Yes, Ma’m” he then smiled, “But if something was wrong I couldn't say a thing...” Podrick suddenly noticed a shadow fall over them and looked to his right where the shadow was being cast, and he found the man that had been fixedly staring at him a while ago. He still looked sour as he continued walking until he stopped next to them, ignoring him altogether.  
  
“... Your Grace, your presence is required...”  
  
“Ser Podrick, let me introduce you to Lord Harry.”  
  
Podrick stood and realized that he barely reached the man’s shoulder. He was brawny, far too much, his body was heavily-built in a manner that reminded him of The Hound. He smiled politely and offered his hand but the man continued to look at him like he was to lowly to stand before him or before _Her Grace._ Podrick assumed that he only shook his hand out of politeness since _Her Grace_ was present, “Podrick Payne.”  
  
“Lord Harry Deen.”  
  
For some reason the lord shook his hand so strongly that he felt himself matching him and trying not to whimper.  
  
After a few beats he let the Guard’s hand go and turned to his Queen, “... There are some lords wishing to speak to you. They said something about apologizing for an offensive comment they made after the meeting...” though they hadn’t been more specific.  
  
Sansa exhaled “...I’ve had enough of meetings for today...I’m sure they can wait until tomorrow.” she knew very well that those lords only wanted to ingratiate themselves with her even though she wasn't their monarch.  
  
He looked at the knight and then back to her, “I don’t think that’s very sensible, Ma’m, I think it’s of utmost importance that you speak with them to keep in good relationships,” _he didn’t appreciate her refusal at all but decided not to show it._  
  
“I’ll see them tomorrow” Sansa gestured with her hand to dismiss him. Her gesture obviously upset Lord Harry who left after a few moments. She looked back to Podrick, “Maybe being a _SER_ is something new to you, but don’t forget to state your title when you’re meeting someone new.”   
  
He nodded realizing his mistake far too late. He saw her looking at the jar and asked if she wanted a refill to which she nodded. He refilled both their cups, “Minutes ago...just for a second, his figure reminded me of The Hound...”  
  
“…Yes.” 

  
“...If you don’t mind, Ma’m, why did the Lords offend you?”  
  
“ _Why?_ Are you going to defend me?”  
  
He smiled realizing her words were in jest, which meant that the offense wasn’t too great if she was joking. “If you asked me to, Ma’m. You know,” he put his hand on the hilt of his sword and he immediately released it when he saw her raising her hand, stopping her guards who had advanced on him, “that I’m always at your service.” he finished by placing both hands on the table.  
  
Sansa, feeling the tension from her guards kept her hand high as they waited for orders, “it’s alright.” After a few seconds they stepped back and she heard Ser Podrick exhaling.  
  
“I wasn’t thinking when I tried to reassure you, Ma’m, that I am at your service too…” he said, deeply embarrassed.  
  
She exhaled too, taking notice of her guards still alert. She took a sip of her wine and noticed that they had drawn the attention of some characters. She ignored them, “be careful,” she saw him blushing furiously and sweating, “you’re sworn to my brother. You cannot serve two kings.”  
  
He could, under certain circumstances but he didn’t remind her of that. Podrick, after a moment laughed at his own foolishness, he was surprised when he saw her smiling too, though not as openly as him, and saw her hide her grin behind her goblet. “That was a rookie move, Ma’m,” he imagined Brienne’s scolding once she heard about this and how Lord Tyrion would mock him.  
  
“... To save you from embarrassment I will tell anyone who asks that you were testing my guard's response time.” she really didn’t know what he was thinking, believing her guards wouldn't react. Any other time the situation would have upset her. But honestly, she needed this, she needed to forget everything for at least one night. Good conversation and good company made her yearn for the past. _And the good wine was taking effect_ , she had started to relax a while ago.   
  
_That would be perfect,_ “I’m sorry, Ma’m, for a few seconds I forgot to whom I was really speaking.” Shamefully, he took a few sips of wine, trying to calm down. After a few moments Podrick cleared his throat. “So, may I inquire as to how those lords offended you?”  
  
She hesitated before speaking and decided to just say half the truth, “one of them thought it hilarious to joke about Ser Brienne in my presence.”  
  
_“Mmmm.”_ he answered, _he didn’t like that either_. _“…Fools.”_  
  
After that neither said anything for several moments. There was nothing else to talk about.  
  
Sansa chose that moment to end their meeting, she stood up and he followed suit, “well, Ser Podrick, it’s been a pleasure talking to you. It even made this trip worth it. I won’t take you away from your friends any longer.”  
  
Podrick bowed respectfully and spoke because something was telling him that she didn’t want to go inside the castle yet, “I wouldn’t mind it if you stole five more minutes of my time, Ma’m.” He realized he surprised her with that offer, “I’m serious.”  
  
She wanted to be truthful, what else could they speak of? But asking that would be disrespectful. “You’ll have to guide this conversation, then.”  
  
Podrick grinned, “A tactical question then, why do you still wear armored dresses?” _She was amongst family and allies_. He thought she had stopped after becoming Queen. “Is there someone here that you mistrust?”  
  
She blinked, “... no one in particular, it’s just habit. I’m on foreign lands.”  
  
“And do you also wear them in Winterfell?”  
  
_“Not always.”_  
  
For a few seconds he thought he was making her uncomfortable, that she really wanted to end the conversation. He was about to apologize and bid his farewell but she signaled him to follow as she walked towards one of the corridors that surrounded the courtyard, the guards behind them, “One last personal question, Ma’m, and we’ll talk of whatever you’d like, it’s something I’ve been curious about for years and not even Ser Brienne has revealed the truth to me.”  
  
She raised her brows, dreading the upcoming question.  
  
“There’s talk about the chain you carry,” he gestured to the cone-shaped end, “they say it holds poison, is it true?”  
  
“How do people come with this stuff?” she asked as she took hold of _her needle_ , as she called it.  
  
“The imagination, _I_ _guess_.”  
  
She smiled after a few seconds, “That’s actually a brilliant idea,” she replied cryptically, “one I could use.”  
  
Podrick raised his brows realizing she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of confirming or denying it.  
  
They talked for a while longer, it was enjoyable until they realized they had no more to discuss. He escorted her back to the entry of the main hall and said his goodbyes, “Farewell, Ma’m, in case we don’t speak again.”  
  
“Send my regards to my brother, to Ser Brienne and Lord Tyrion,” she offered him her hand to shake it and saw him hesitating for the shortest of seconds to then take it.  
  
Podrick was more than certain that this was the first time he had touched her. _Surely, it would also be the last one._ He let her go before he was tempted to become more acquainted with the softness of her skin. Or before she felt the calluses in his hand, “I really enjoyed seeing you, Ma’m, and knowing that things are going great for you.”  
  
She bowed her head and turned to the castle, as soon as she took the first step she saw her guards joining her. Sansa went around the building as she wanted to avoid those Lords that night, _It’d serve them right to spend it worrying._ When she stepped on the steps to her room she saw Lord Harry joining her.  
  
“You should be more mindful of who you surround yourself with, Ma’m. Ser Podrick’s reputation, the one your former husband and the Master of Coin created for him may affect you,” he informed her, not being sure if she knew about his reputation. A small group of people did, and he would happily let her know about it.   
  
Sansa raised her eyebrows, _she was aware of his reputation,_ that’s why she had asked him if it wasn’t difficult for him to be a Kingsguard to her brother. “That’s none of my business. But if he is the man Ser Brienne thinks he is then I would bet that he fully keeps his oath to the Kingsguard.” Not that Ser Brienne had never been wrong about a person’s honor before. In any case, she didn’t see why it would matter.  
  
_She couldn't be so naive,_ _“is that what you think?”_ he asked almost mockingly. Very few members of the Kingsguard had kept true to their vows throughout history, “It’s not proper for a Queen to share a drink in such an informal manner. Or to hand him her crown. And you went looking for him personally.” Even worse, she shook his hand in goodbye after everything else! _But he knew very well that she was aware of everything she had been doing,_ “Tomorrow there will be talk.” He informed her.  
  
_She didn’t care about that_ ; they had done nothing more than talk where _everyone_ could see them, and nothing improper had taken place. And, true, it hadn’t been completely proper of her but what mattered was that she had a nice time, “If I’m cold and distant there’s talk,” she continued climbing the stairs, “if I’m friendly and approachable, there’s talk. Keep in mind, Lord Harry, that some people will always find my actions objectionable. I don’t need one of my advisors to be one of them.” _Her advisors and everyone who knew her knew the kind of person that she was._

  
Ser Podrick’s ridiculous reputation was not going to tempt or corrupt her.  
.  
.  
.  
There was talk, of course, but not in front of her. Lord Royce confronted those who spread the gossip even before his nephew and friends claimed Ser Podrick had spent the night with them _and not with her_ , as rumor had it. He trusted the Queen’s character completely.  
  
The wedding was a success and she waited until it was right to declare she would be leaving. Lord Royce regrettably thanked her for her presence. He also apologized for the fabricated scandal. Lord Robyn hugged her goodbye pleased to have seen her. Her uncle had bid her farewell a while ago. The Lord that had made the comment at Ser Brienne apologized.  
  
She had _almost_ gone to give Ser Podrick an envelope with two personal letters, one for her brother and the other for Ser Brienne, but she decided not to do so and instead asked Lord Royce to deliver the envelope to Ser Podrick before she left, along with a small package of Bran’s favorite cookies as a child and which had been served during the feast.  
  
Before stepping into her carriage she saw Ser Podrick keeping his distance too but paying attention to her departure from one of the second floor platforms that surrounded the yard, he waved his hand at her in goodbye but knowing she shouldn't, she didn’t wave back. She felt bad about it for a few moments but she rectified it once inside the carriage where the crowd wouldn’t see her. She sought him with her eyes and saw him still watching her, it was her who waved goodbye before moving and letting him off her sight. 


	2. First Act: Chapter 2

The scroll that was delivered by a crow from King’s Landing surprised her; in it, Bran told her that he had sent a small convoy to Winterfell and asked that she officially welcomed it. There was no further explanation. The bottom of the scroll had a note that read,

  
_‘Do not worry, Sansa.’_

  
But she did worry because some months ago, talk about Bran’s skills as a King had started. Two regions were about to ask for independence, The Reach and Dorne. 

  
There were jokes about it in the North ‘It’s not _our Queen’s_ fault that each region’s Lords didn’t ask for their independence.’

  
Lord Cromwell, one of her advisors interrupted Sansa’s thoughts, “He acted on his own. He is the King of the Six Kingdoms but the North is not under his rule, he should have asked for permission before acting, Ma’am.”  
  
You’re right Lord Cromwell, _but he is my brother and we are standing in what’s his home too._ I’ll abide by that before I react wrongly.”

  
“There is the possibility that, in other to quiet down other’s claims for independence, they want to annex us back under their Crown.” Lord Harry was who voiced their valid suspicions. By now, some of the other kingdoms wouldn’t conceal their opinions about the North obtaining independence because of nepotism.

  
What Lord Harry said was exactly what she thought but she didn’t reply, instead, she looked out the windows and reflected on the words she would write to her brother and Lord Tyrion demanding explanations. After a few moments she opted for privacy and she damaged five scrolls before feeling at ease with her words expressing her concerns without seeming defensive but also showing her displeasure.

  
The second surprise of the day was that the convoy arrived on _that same afternoon._ She was expecting it to arrive in two or three weeks and she knew her advisors would take Bran’s actions wrongly.

Once she was informed about the banners approaching she gave the order to let them in and with certain amount of trepidation she called on her advisors and walked to the Great Hall. The men became visible through the windows as she made her way.

  
Five soldiers and a member of the Kingsguard leading the group, _Ser Podrick Payne_. A familiar face.

  
_Her brother was playing his hand_.

  
What was evident to her was that none of the men were wearing armor.   
  
“It doesn't matter if they took the Kingsroad or if they landed at White Harbor, they should have informed us that they were on their way.”  
  
“They’re in plainclothes; it figures, they didn’t even raise their banners until they reached Winter Town.”

  
_“The secrecy is suspicious.”_

  
Sansa heard part of her council already speculating, she saw them standing as she entered, “Ser Podrick is not someone to fear, he’s an emissary,” she said as she walked to her seat, her two favorite guards appearing almost immediately, being followed by the direwolf that lay under the table. 

  
After a few minutes Podrick was taken to the hall that he already was familiar with. A pleasant warmth enveloped him as soon as he stepped through the doors. Right away his eyed fixed on her presiding the meeting, he didn’t know why he had imagined her more majestic, her and the room. The latter became warmer as he stepped inside; the heat was coming off the torches on the walls and not from the huge fireplace that always had a fire going years before, when he had lived here. Winter had passed already and the cold that those rough and coarse men were used to, still chilled him to the bone. 

  
There was a side table where a dozen men sat, her council, he guessed. She was up front where she had always presided over the meetings. He recognized the table as he approached and he made his way into the grey and dull hall feeling as if he was on trial.

The enormous direwolf at her feet followed his steps gazing at him with interest as he looked at it in awe at its size. He had heard direwolves were big but he wasn’t expecting one _so big._ He suddenly saw the wolf raising his head as its body tensed up, so he carefully continued walking without taking his eyes off the animal until it deemed he was close enough as it immediately started growling at him; still Podrick continued walking until he saw the wolf coming out from under the table and rising majestically. As soon as the hierarchy was established, the animal lay back down carelessly closing its eyes and seemingly falling asleep.

Podrick’s instincts told him it wasn’t sensible to take another step so he held his position some twenty feet from the table. Still feeling cautious, he lifted his eyes to meet her inquisitive gaze, “Your Grace,” he greeted as he bent his body a bit forward. After a moment and due to the sighs around him, he realized that _for some reason_ , he was expected to fully bow and kneel before her. _But, he couldn’t do that, he wasn’t one of her subjects._  
  
“What’s the reason for this visit, Ser Podrick?” Sansa asked immediately as she interlaced her fingers on the table and going straight to the point.  
  
He realized his visit was not a welcomed one. _These were State business and not a friendly visit_ , he reminded himself. “I’m just a messenger Ma’am,” he stated as he showed her the scroll that he was tasked to deliver to her in person.

A soldier approached him and took the scroll from his hand to give it to her. The wolf didn’t even stir. He saw her studying the scroll, making sure The Three Eyed Raven seal hadn’t been broken. For a few awkward moments he saw her reading the letter and he took the time to study his surroundings finding some familiar faces that now looked at him with suspicion.

The hall had been rebuilt to look like the original one, it had changed very little and he had been expecting a more feminine touch but he found nothing of the sort. _She was the most feminine thing in there._

He turned his attention back to the animal and to her and he saw her frowning even more and then let out a sigh.

  
After rereading the document a few times, she raised her eyes to the soldier and handed him the scroll so that he would pass it on to her advisors.  
  
Podrick followed the letter with his eyes and saw that it had been handed to the _Lord who looked like the Hound._

  
Sansa’s eyes went back to the soldier, “Make sure that our guests get some rest.” After all, the conversation that was about to take place wasn’t for Ser Podrick’s ears.

  
Podrick bowed his head and turned to the exit.

  
It took her a few seconds to realize she was being rude because she felt defensive, “Ser Podrick,” she called and he turned back to her, expectant. She looked at him in the eye and bowed her head, _“...Welcome.”_

  
_Was he?_ He decided to take that _welcome_ as an implicit warning to her advisors and to her army’s Commander and Guard that he was not to be harmed. _The soldier would probably spread the information even before the Commander could_. “Thank you, Ma’am.”

Podrick studied the keep as he went, seeing the renovations it had undergone in his absences and how it was being maintained. The town outside the castle –Winter Town– had grown _a lot_ and it had become pretty evident. It was only to be expected; she hadn’t wanted to move from Winterfell to White Harbor to rule as previous generations of Starks had ruled from Winterfell. 

  
He had been aware that he wouldn’t be received badly, and he informed his men of that fact as they stared at _Her Grace’s_ soldiers with some suspicion, but they didn’t have many misgivings after they were taken to the warm dining room where they were served their first home-made and plentiful meal _in weeks._

  
It was two hours later that a soldier who was his acquaintance showed up. They exchanged greetings and some words and he informed Podrick that _Her Grace_ required his presence. While Hugh advised the soldiers not to leave the room until Podrick’s return _._ When he entered her office room, he found her alone, “ _Your Grace._ ”

  
Sansa gestured to a chair facing her desk, “Ser Podrick, I’m sorry we’re meeting again in these circumstances.”

  
Podrick nodded, _unaware of what the circumstances actually were._ And he thought it prudent not to tell her it was good to see her again.  
  
Seeing he remained silent, she went on, “What do you know of the letter that my brother sent me?”

  
“...To be honest, very little, Ma’am. The only thing he _ordered_ was for me to remain by your side.” _Even if she didn’t like it._

  
Sansa exhaled and closed her eyes as she shook her head and pinched her nose bridge. _Why him? why not Brienne? ...because he wasn’t the Lord Commander of her brother’s Kingsguard and because he was the most familiar face to her after Brienne_ , she answered her own question, _she already knew and trusted him,_ “I’ve the most loyal soldiers on my side. I see no reason for him to send you. The Northern Lords that have objected to my rule are in no position to betray me. And those on my side are loyal to the bone.” _That was something she kept telling herself because she knew everything was possible._

  
On the other hand, she was glad to know her suspicions were mistaken; the loss of the North as an independent Kingdom. She had no intention of going to war against her brother but the Northern Lords _would demand it_ if necessary.

  
Podrick frowned, “...Your brother said that having blind faith is not always right.” _And he had said it as if he knew the words that would be exchanged in that meeting._ Podrick took out a small envelop from his coat’s inner pocket and handed it to her, “This letter is from your brother, not from the King of the Six Kingdoms. He also told me that you shouldn’t talk about the contents of this letter with anyone, and that I should check it is destroyed.”

  
That took her aback as she didn’t expect it. She saw Ser Podrick walking to the lit fire place, to warm his hands with the fire. He was also giving her privacy as he turned his back on her. As she opened the letter she had the fleeting thought that it may be summer but the weather was cold still and he wasn’t prepared for it. She read the letter in his presence and after a few minutes handed it to him because in it, Bran said that he wished for Podrick to read the reason behind his visit to Winterfell.

  
Podrick took a seat. In summation, the Six Kingdoms were under pressure due to some mismanagement and misdirection in certain matters. There would be changes and therefore, the following months would be chaotic, which might affect her _although he didn’t expect it to._

  
The North would continue to be independent as long as he was King, _he promised_ , since she was doing a good job unifying it and he knew that, _among other things_ , she had the best interest for her people, _which was the most important thing._ In an affectionate paragraph — _which didn’t fully come across as such—_ he implied that he didn’t wish war to break his blood ties with the only relative with who he could communicate, and that she was the blood and the future of Winterfell.

  
Going back to politics, he disclosed that the independence conceded to the north would be granted to other regions that could prove that they could be self-ruled.

  
Bran couldn’t see the future and he couldn’t see anyone currently having _actual_ qualms against her but he had had a dream, _not a vision_ , _a very vivid dream_ that had him acting and so, to be less concerned, he was sending Podrick and his men to aid her in case she needed it. Brienne would remain by his side because he _suspected_ that _he_ would need her.  
  
_‘As you know, Sansa, I can see the past and the present but not the future. And my bad feelings about this are most likely my brotherly concern, but I think it’s in both our interests to let Podrick serve you as if he was serving his King._

_  
I don’t mean to worry you, sister; I just want you to be ready.’_

  
When Podrick finished reading the letter he faced her as he handed it back.   
  
“What do you think of this,” she asked distraught. Bran said a lot and nothing at the same time. _As usual…and, brotherly concern?_ In spite of her, she wasn’t very sure that he was able to feel those things.

  
“...I’m not paid to think, just to follow orders.”

  
_To stay by her side._ “...You must have an opinion about being sent to the end of the world to look after me. That’s not why you became my brother’s Kingsguard.”

  
The coldness in her welcome betrayed the memory he had of the last time they met two years ago at her cousin’s wedding, but he understood, she felt in danger and was on the defensive, _“Yes, Ma’am.”_

  
_Yes what?_ She wondered as he didn’t explain so she waited for him to do so.  
  
Podrick held her gaze unwilling to repeat that he was following orders and that he hadn’t liked it in the beginning, but then he thought better of it, _maybe in the North he would be tasked with more that dragging her brother’s wheelchair around. And for a place that lacked so much in entertainment, the North always held some adventure, at least for him_.

  
After a few moments, she exhaled seeing him unwilling to say what he really thought, _“You aren’t enough of a guard to protect my brother but you’re enough for me?_ ” she asked immediately seeing why Winterfell might not be of his liking, among other reasons.

  
He found himself clenching his jaw, _“Evidently,”_ he mumbled and after a few seconds he decided on honesty, “I didn’t like that, no.”

  
She had no reasons to attack him but she really didn’t want him there, his presence would only result in problems with her subjects and a constant reminder of the imminent danger that her brother foresaw. “Am I in danger and you don’t want to tell me, Ser Podrick?” Certain people were unhappy with the fact that all of Westeros was ruled by her family and she could see how that might incite rebellion, first against her to send a message and then against her brother to put the final nail in the coffin.  
_Enough time had gone by for their enemies to gather resources._

  
_Surely_ , she was a Queen. _Her safety was something that she could never take for granted._ And, it might have been a dream but the King wouldn't bother sending him here if he was certain nothing was going to happen. _But again, he was no one to question it._ “...I know nothing more than you do, ma’am.” _And that was the truth._ He remembered something the King had said to him, “ _The green door._ ”

  
Sh _e didn’t understand what he meant, “What?”_

  
“Your brother said that before I left and he asked me not to forget it and to make sure that you don’t forget it either, _the green door.”_

  
_“What green door?”_

  
He shrugged, “are there any green doors in Winterfell?”

  
She sighed and reread the letter intending to memorize it before burning it. She looked for a hidden message but couldn’t see anything of the sort “he knows something is going to happen to me...even though he says it’s a dream, a gut feeling...”

  
“I think there’s more to that _dream_ that your brother isn’t saying…” He conceded that.

  
“I know,” she admitted. She wanted to write him to ask for more information but if he didn’t in the letter that he sent with Ser Podrick he wouldn’t sent another scroll with a crow that could be intercepted by enemies. She exhaled, _“Fine,_ you’ll be part of my security for the upcoming weeks.” she said, putting an end to the matter. _Her own safety was paramount, it was more important that her subject’s interests._

  
Podrick saw her walking toward the fire and throwing the letter on it, then set her eyes on the flames. He stood, “I can’t see how my men and I protecting you can do more that your entire army, Ma’am but don’t doubt that we will try.”

  
She didn’t pay mind to him. _She was her_ , always thinking the worst case scenario and Bran was The Three Eyed Raven; if he had acted, he had a reason. “I’ll call my Guard’s Commander but I can assure you, he will not like it in the least to give up part of his job.”

  
“I know, ma’am.”

  
Sansa wondered how she would present this situation to her advisors, army, workers, and most of all, the Lords, “Do you want to stay in the guest’s quarters or are you alright with staying in the barracks?” even _that_ was food for thought. If he stayed in the guest’s quarter that would mean giving him some power, putting him at the same level as an advisor and that would displease her subjects. But if she sent him to the barracks the soldiers would feel like she was taking power from them.

  
“The barracks are fine, ma’am.”

  
She nodded, “Now, explain to me, why did you feel it necessary to make your way here as civilians.”

  
“Your brother’s orders.”

  
_She had thought so._ “And, did my brother warn you that that coat and the clothes you and your men are wearing won’t be of much use against summer’s cold?”

  
Podrick exhaled amused, “No, ma’am,” he smiled, “he wasn’t kind enough to warn us. But that’s on me. I thought that in summer the cold would be more manageable.” _Now, he’d have to re-acclimate._

  
“...It is. But maybe not in the way you thought so.” she bowed her head, _her guard would be giving them something more appropriate to wear_.

  
Seeing as he was being dismissed, he said goodbye.

.  
.  
Almost immediately Podrick set to find out if there was a green door in the castle or if there had ever been one. Podrick himself checked the three doors that remained as well as the contents of the rooms they blocked, _there was nothing to them._

  
Sansa didn’t share the content of that second letter with anyone and she gave permission for Podrick to get familiar with her army, which wasn’t taken well by those who didn’t know him.

  
She found herself at odds as to how to explain the presence of Ser Podrick and his men to her advisors. On one hand, they thought they were spies sent by her brother to watch her and on the other, they didn’t see with good eyes that a group of foreigners would have come to mingle with her army. It wasn’t like she was completely pleased with the situation either. But she calmed them down by reminding them that he wasn’t politically-minded.  
  
“I think it extremely important to keep good relations with the King of the Six Kingdoms and this will be a show of our own interests. Besides, he is not part of my Guard, or my army he cannot serve two monarchs at the same time.”

  
“Then what is he doing here, _Your Grace_?” _What is his mission?”_

  
Sansa was well aware that they wanted her to concede to them, “I would call him the link _to my brother_. _Not to the King of the Six Kingdoms._ As many of you know, Ser Podrick and I have known each other for a long time; he was Ser Brienne’s squire when she swore her sword to me. I know him and where his loyalties lie,” she looked at several of her advisors, “from now on, I’ll take that as my assurance.” she said making her point final.

  
In the end, she answered some of their questions with more vague words. 

.  
.  
.  
Podrick didn’t miss the shadows under her eyes and her gauntly look after his arrival, which let him know without words how worried she was about an impending attack against her.

On an afternoon where he was particularly shocked by her appearance, he spoke without thinking that he wasn’t familiar enough with her to do so or that they weren’t alone, Lord Harry was there, “Are you eating and resting enough, ma’am?”

  
She knew she was looking badly and she was tired, _too tired,_ and she was increasingly withdrawn and moody. She didn’t even raise her eyes from the scroll that she had been trying to read for over five minutes, _but it was hard to focus,_ “do I look so terrible that you’re worried, Ser Podrick?” she asked disdainfully.

  
He felt himself blushing right away, aware that he had crossed a line as he saw Lord Harry straightening from the corner of his eye, “Not Terrible, Ma’am. More like…sickly. You’re not as energetic as usual. And yes, I’m concerned.” Once he was already in the middle of this, it was better to discuss it than apologize in embarrassment.

  
Sansa sighed, _that was a good way of putting it_ , she thought, as she tried to ignore Lord Harry who minutes before had openly _criticized_ her _unkempt_ looks, which were unbecoming of a _Queen._

  
“Have you eaten something today? Have you rested well these past few days?”  
  
She was surprised by the question, the fact that he kept insisting on it, “I had a good breakfast a _nd no._ ” She threw a look at Podrick and saw that he was uncomfortable.

  
A good breakfast, _and nothing more_ , the sun was setting by now, he hesitated for a few seconds, aware that his words wouldn’t be welcomed. “In order to do a good job, to keep a clear mind, you need food and rest. _You know that._ ”

  
“...I’m worried, it’s all,” she exhaled as she rubbed her eyes with the tip of her fingers since they and her forehead felt extremely heavy. She didn’t want to say too much because not even Lord Harry knew about the real reason behind Ser Podrick’s presence and her concerns.

  
“It’s no use working too much. Take some time, rest, I’ll tell one of your handmaids to bring you something to eat. Otherwise there’ll be nothing left of you in a few weeks.” he saw that she was about to argue and cut in “Listen to me...Remember, I speak on behalf of your brother.”

  
_Had she afforded him the trust to speak to her in that manner?_ _Not him, but to Brienne, certainly and now he spoke for her and her brother._ She wanted to refuse for a few moments but she didn’t even have the energy for that, “Have the food brought to my room,” she said deciding to take off the rest of the night, although she didn’t see why she should, a restless sleep wouldn’t come for her but after dinner and a bath she might take a walk with _Snow_ ; the fresh and cold air had always suited her. She ignored the heavy stare that Lord Harry threw her way seeing as he had suggested something similar and she had refused. Next, she heard why Ser Podrick had truly came to see her.

  
Lord Harry decided to speak once Ser Podrick left, _“He speaks on behalf of your brother or himself?_ ” he wondered.

  
Sansa shook her head, “Ser Podrick knows his place.”

  
“Are you sure, ma’am? The casual way with he addresses you makes me think you are mistaken.”

  
She tried not to let her eyes concede anything but it was true, Ser Podrick treated her with some familiarity and assuredness that she knew had been solidified by the conversation they had in the Vale two years prior; an innocent conversation that evidently had brought unintended consequences on both sides.

“He is wrongly confusing the familiar way Ser Brienne used with me. I’ll make sure he respects the roles between our genders.”

  
“Remind him that he is not wanted in Winterfell or in the North and that the way in which he addresses you might reflect badly on you.” he noticed that he angered her with that as she closed her eyes and turned her head, “You know what most men really want. Don’t be surprise when he starts to push to see how far you’ll let him get away with.”

  
_That was something that had already crossed her mind._

.  
.  
.  
It might be because nothing happened in the following weeks that the worry started to fade away from her. Early one morning he saw her walking along one of her handmaids and he noticed she was looking better. He smiled when she approached, “...You see? What did I tell you?” he exclaimed as he gestured to her face.

  
Sansa took her chance, “...I take it you like how I look, then,” she said, known in advance how she was wording her question because she wanted to assess his true intentions since they were going to be spending more time together. She saw him blushing and Lady Rose looking uncomfortable when she realized what Sansa was doing, “Now that I've recovered, I mean,” she corrected herself. _It was her health they were talking about, after all._

  
He avoided her eyes, embarrassed, “...Splendid as ever, Ma’am.” he said trying to be polite but being surprised at what came out of his mouth, he should have said _‘regal’_ “...I meant Regal. Though, it’s not my place to say.” _She was a Queen, a respectable lady he was talking to, not one of his conquests._ He felt even more embarrassed when he saw her handmaiden scornfully mocking him and Lady Sansa sharing a short but complicit look with her.

  
_No, it wasn’t his place._ Not for the first time, she noticed how he skillfully recovered from his blunders.

  
“No it isn’t,” Lady Rose spoke feeling angry and wary of the handsome foreigner. _And he was presumptuous_ _!_ And her _Queen_...more than once she had witness her using that kind of noncommittal insinuations —something she disapproved of and had expressed— but she obviously hadn’t listened. _That’s a lesson, with a man, you’ll give an inch for something small and if they take a mile, you’ll know how to read their intentions._  
  
She decided not to apologize for her lady’s words, “are you headed to the Great Hall?” she asked instead and Ser Podrick nodded, “That’s all for now, Lady Rose.” she said, realizing that the young woman didn’t like that at all but she saw her leave after a few seconds.

  
They started to walk to the next meeting and he decided to change the subject to stop himself from further embarrassment, “I didn’t mention it that day because I don’t know how much Lord Harry knows about our suspicious about an attack against you, but you shouldn't let the possibility consume you. It will destroy you.”

  
_It was easy for him to say that,_ “Not worrying is impossible, Ser Podrick.” They made it to the hall and each one took their place. She was a few minutes early and not all her advisors were present yet, while she waited for them she decided to go over some matters that would be addressed that morning but her mind wasn’t fully on it. Once more she saw her advisors ignoring Ser Podrick and him settling at an appropriate distance next to her head Guard. 

  
Sansa was aware of several qualities she possessed such as being beautiful and desirable. He was a man and that was enough for her to have misgivings. And though it was obvious that her brother and Ser Brienne trusted him —A raven had come some days ago praising the young man and reassuring her of his trustworthiness as she had trusted her before— and that she did too, it wasn't blindly.

  
The only men she trusted blindly were Bran and Jon. Lord Royce.

  
And Ser Podrick, never disrespectful or overly familiar had been somewhat distant but friendly to her. _But she wasn’t friendly, she kept her walls up to protect herself,_ so she had planted the seed knowing that _if_ in the next days or weeks he made an unwanted pass, she wouldn't be able to fully trust him.

  
She would always doubt every man’s intentions. It didn’t matter if the man appeared to be flawless, and if he did, well that would only raise her suspicions even more.

.  
.  
.  
On a morning during a meeting with her advisors and two lords who were visiting Winterfell, Podrick saw the direwolf appear again in the Great Hall, acting before the Queen’s guests just as it had with him. He hadn’t been wrong when he suspected that it was a display to intimidate put on by her and her Guard. _And it worked._ Even now, the wolf started to growl whenever it saw him making him stop as is it knew he didn’t belong in the castle.  
  
When there were visitors the Guards kept all their attention on her and so did the wolf. _Winterfell was her home, no one would attack her there,_ she had said during a conversation where he had asked to strengthen her security, and she refused.

She didn’t need guards following her everywhere; she did want them at strategic points, _that was fine_ , but she didn’t want them in her way or making her feel like she was being watched.

  
_She enjoyed what little freedom she had behind these tall and thick stone walls._  
  
She never left the castle for leisure, only for work. But that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t enjoy riding or talking walks when there was plenty of security along the way. 

  
One day when she had been tired of being in the carriage and decided to ride, he spoke, “How did you end up with a Direwolf, Ma’am?” he asked since silence was more awkward than conversations. At the time, the wolf was running and trotting along among them, and the guards and soldiers with them, sometimes it would go ahead and other times, it’d stay behind.

  
She looked at the animal, “he showed up as a pup on the lands of a lord who though it appropriate to gift it to me. I decided to send it beyond the wall where it truly belongs. The Night Watch took him away when they stopped at Winterfell on their way to Castle Black with new recruits.” _She hadn’t wanted to get attached to it like she had Lady_ , she sighed, “It ran away and they didn't informed us; after a few months it showed up at the castle as if nothing was wrong. Dirty, stinking and malnourished, but it found its way back.” Her Lord Commander decided to train it to follow and protect her thus strengthening their efforts.

  
Podrick had noticed that, although she wasn’t indifferent to the animal, it wasn’t like she loved it. It was something that was there to serve a purpose. _Like everyone else._ Yes, he sometimes saw her walking with the wolf and petting its furs, once or twice he’d caught her smiling at it when it played with her and she would allow it, but she wasn’t affectionate.

She didn’t even worry when the animal disappeared for days. It was odd because the wolf would constantly seek her out, it would overprotect her; thanks to the guards, he knew that during the Queen’s sleepless nights, when she’d go to the library or for a walk, the animal would meet her halfway to keep her company as though it had sensed her. It was even more shocking that during big feasts and the castle was crowded, it wouldn't leave her side and she’d welcome it, even as to let it in her room at night for protection when there were two guards posted at the door.

  
The animal was wary, and at times it would suffice as a guard.

  
Her way of repaying it was for her to let it be the best fed and cared for animal —or being, really— in the castle.

  
After a few minutes he saw her look for the animal after they lost sight of it, and moments later he heard her ask one of the guards where _Snow_ had gone off to.

.  
.  
.  
By the middle of the first month news came that the King of the Six Kingdoms was making changes to his cabinet, one of those was the Master of Coin. She looked at Ser Podrick’s reaction in a not so subtle manner. He wasn’t leaning against the wall but he reminded her of Little Finger since he chose the same place to watch over her. She saw him clenching his jaw at hearing the news. 

  
“I heard he’s quite inept,” one of the lords said aloud, which earned the approval of the Queen’s advisors.

  
“It says here that he was removed from Highgarden.”

  
“ _Good_. He fell and he fell hard.”

  
Sansa listened to the talk for a few more moments until they were done and then the meeting went on.

  
That night she invited Ser Podrick to dine with her after weeks of reassurance of his intentions with her. _The man only talked to her or approached her only when it was absolutely necessary._ And always with a valid reason.

“Do you know him well?” she asked upfront once the greetings and small talk was done; they had just eaten and were now talking a walk. She knew that Bronn, the Master of Coin, was a friend of Ser Podrick’s. She had met the man in Kings Landing as a sell-sword and Lord Tyrion’s personal guard but she didn’t know much more than that and the gossip about him.

  
He nodded, feeling bad for the man, “he had been warned to be more responsible and careful,” he said. Suddenly he saw the direwolf appear in the distance and walking towards them, imposingly. His instinct was to stop.  
  
“He won’t attack unless I order it,” she let Ser Podrick know, since the animal oddly still mistrusted him. She heard the wolf growling at him and she turned to it, “ _Snow, don’t!”_

  
Podrick’s eyebrow shot up when the animal lowered his head and growled as it stood to her other side. “And have you ordered it?” he asked, “To attack?”  
  
Sansa exhaled choosing not to answer that, “The Master of Coin built several brothels with gold from Highgarden. He put _his hobbies_ over the needs of the realm.” _And where was Bran when that happened? or Lord Tyrion?_  
  
_He was his friend_ , “He also restored the army to its former glory and in record time.” _No one spoke of that._

  
Sansa hummed, _his failures were larger than his victories,_ “By acquiring sell-swords at five times the price of training new recruits.” _That piece of insight she got from an angry letter from Ser Brienne._

  
Podrick choose silence instead of telling her that she knew nothing of matters of defense, _that there hadn’t been a significant number of voluntary recruits to defend the ruins of Kings Landing in over a year._

“And in the end, they were paid to sit around for twelve months while they waited for a sudden attack that never came; poorly invested money.” She took a deep breath as something else occurred to her, “Lady Olenna would have turned in her grave if she knew that her castle, her family’s legacy was given to that... _Lord_. _A real tragedy.”_

  
_Lord Bronn wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea_ , he understood that.

  
“I’m not surprised that the other lords of the Reach turned on him and excluded him. That they put pressure on my Brother’s council to unseat him as Master of Coin.” And, given that it hadn’t happen, it had been the _main_ reason for the Reach to claim their independence.

  
_It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, he knew_ “... he’s not a bad man, I know him, Ma’am. If anything, I believe he thought that his titles and influence would save him once again.” _It had been his pride._ “We all make mistakes, his were...catastrophic.”

  
The thought of Jon came to her, “do you agree with what he did?” she asked.  
  
“Of course not but...he’s my friend, I bare him no ill will.”

  
Sansa rubbed the bridge of her nose seeing a parallel but she was too tired to think about it, “why did Bran and Lord Tyrion let things go that far with that man? You don’t need to be too sharp to realize that he’s not fit for the seat that was given to him.”

  
“...I’ve never been one to question things, Ma'am.”

  
She turned to look at him, _that was true_ , “I’m not asking you to question anything I'm just asking for your opinion. _Or don’t you have one? Are you a soldier who follows his Lord blindly?”_

  
Podrick was not used to being asked what he thought of things and he thought very well about what to say, “It may be that your brother doesn’t rule in quite the same manner as you. He delegates to his council.” _He delegated everything, something Podrick saw as lack of interest. And the King either didn’t realize or only worried about the things that were going wrong once the danger had arisen._

His opinion was that King Bran wasn’t a good King, the only thing that made him competent was that he knew right away when to correct other’s mistakes, _but after those mistakes were made, and already had consequences._

  
_The complete opposite was true of her._ If she wasn’t aware of _everything_ that went on in her realm she took it as a personal failure. She usually was one of the last people to go to sleep and one of the firsts to be awake before dawn.

  
“...Delegating blindly is no way to rule.” After a few second she saw him nodding, not letting her see _much_ of what he thought. _He was prudent._ “You’re free to speak your mind to me...” she let him know as she realized that his silences weren’t a recent development.

  
“I know Ma’am,” he lied because she might not like what he thought about her brother. Or what he had to say. “I’m just getting used to...this new position I hold now here in Winterfell.” He wasn’t an advisor or a Queensguard, least of all a friend, but he saw that she sought out his thoughts even if they wouldn’t be taken into account in the end.

  
She frowned, since she hadn’t offered him anything and he would return to Kings Landing as soon as circumstances allowed. _What circumstances? She didn’t know,_ “and what’s that position?” she asked because she noticed that in her mind she saw him as a temporary replacement for Brienne.   
  
She wouldn’t let him see if his words had bothered her, “I don’t know, you tell me. The link with King’s Landing, I suppose.”

  
_A link to a part of her that he had witness before the battle for Winterfell. Before the Battle of the Bastards w_ _hile they traveled to Castle Black._ She trusted him because she knew him, because he had stayed loyal to Ser Brienne, and therefore to her, and because she respected him. But she was selfish; she was letting him stay beside her for her own safety not the realm’s.  
  
He waited for her to say something but she didn’t for several minutes.  
  
She tried not to judge but she did, she knew that Lord Tyrion and Lord Bronn had a high esteem for Ser Podrick and he for them, of their friendship. So he must have been very aware of the misspent gold and she wondered if he ever even voiced his disagreement with it or if he...reaped the fruit of his silence. Although, even if he had question Lord Bronn she assumed he wouldn’t be taken seriously given his position.  
Either way she couldn’t make assumptions about what had happened, “Ser Podrick, you’re aware that there will be a series of outings next month, right?”

  
He nodded “Of course, Ma’am, and I would suggest cancelling them.”

  
He didn’t know for how long those visits had been scheduled and how hard it had been to arrange the calendar with all off her lords, “you don’t have to remind me that it will be dangerous. No matter how much I want to I cannot stay hidden in here with my arms crossed _waiting_ for something that happened _on a dream_ to come true.”

  
“I know it’s absurd, Ma’am,” he answered and then she sighed, “with your permission, I’ll have some men investigating and surveying the places that we’ll visit, _is that alright?”_

  
“ _Yes_. You don’t need my permission when it comes to my safety.”

  
“I’m just telling you because if they discover my men, even if they’re from the north, your Lords won’t like it.”

  
_“Then make sure they’re not discovered.”_

  
_That was the idea but sometimes plans went awry._ Having nothing else to talk, he thanked her, bowed his head and left in the direction of the barracks as she made her way to the castle along with the wolf. He didn’t think to ask if the wolf would come with them on their visits.

  
Podrick tried not to think much about it but dealing with her sometimes was harder than he ever thought; although he should have been better prepared, she hadn’t made things easy to Brienne at times.

  
He heard heavy breathing behind him and without looking; he knew that it was the wolf coming after him. Podrick quickened his pace to make it faster to the safety of the barracks.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to fangfaceandrea for the translation!


	3. Chapter 3

During their outings, when Podrick thought it prudent, he’d keep his distance but never let her out of his line of sight. During the first visits, she was nervous, paranoid and all he did was made her more anxious with his presence alone.

  
Every time they visited a new castle the lord would ask and make assumptions about why she would need a Kingsguard.

  
“Oh, he’s visiting as a link to my brother, we are well aware that there are changes happening in the south and the quickest we’re informed about them the better.”

  
“He was seen training some of your men.”

  
“...Training _with_ my men. They know him from before, as do I. Ser Podrick is trustworthy.”

  
“...We have no need for a Southerner, Your Grace.”

  
“Of course we don’t. But don’t let it be said that we northerners are bad hosts, _My lords_.”

  
Podrick didn’t like when they talked about him like he wasn't in the room. But he was also surprised by her talent to proffer certain answers to all the ‘buts’ they threw about him. _She probably was prepared for it._

  
“He’s a _Payne_ , Ma’am.”

  
That was the only time that he saw her take time to answer as though calculating her words. Although it was something she had never brought up to him, he thought it was something that weighted on both their minds; at least he told himself that.

  
“We spoke of that a long time ago when, along with Ser Brienne, he helped me get to Castle Black,” she answered the lords as she remembered the conversation they had while Brienne rode her horse ahead of them. They had known each other from King’s Landing and they still hadn’t spoken before; Sansa’s first words to him were ‘what are you doing with her?’, which she had realized made him uncomfortable but he answered her cordially. “Ser Podrick is not his uncle. He’s proven that to me more than once.”

  
“Ma’am, please understand our misgivings.”

  
“I understand them but I don’t share them.” She said after taking a sip of wine.  
  
Watching her for hours on end let him get to know her better, to study her openly. He discovered that she hadn’t changed much during his stay at King’s Landing. Now she only had the certainty that came with power and the fact that she was well respected. When he would take notice of a Lord or Lady looking at her wrong, he’d become more protective, moving towards her or letting her nearest Guard know about it.

  
On a random evening he was _unpleasantly surprised_ when he saw her using empty flattery to appease some of her subjects.

  
That wasn’t the _Sansa Stark_ that he remembered.

  
Further down the line, more than once at different visits he saw her discreetly use her beauty to her advantage when she needed to, but she never, not for a second, left aside her demure, lady-like posture. That had him feeling disappointed for a few days because he expected more from her... _He honestly didn’t know what he had expected._

  
He just realized he had her in a pedestal and although she didn’t act improperly at all, he was disappointed.

  
What she did, she did without hiding. She’d let herself be courted for a few minutes and face to face by each of her lords, or men that came from good families and titles. He knew it was to strengthen loyalties and to maintain friendships but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

  
Someone else who visibly disliked the situation was Lord Harry, who, he realized, was evidently interested in her. That was the reason for his rude greeting when they met and his overall animosity towards him.

He thought that he, Podrick, was a man who wanted to take advantage. _Which wasn’t true._ And more than once he wondered if _Her Grace_ was playing dumb to the man’s interest.

He had noticed that in several occasion he would come near her but she would discreetly and immediately put a distance between them. The Lord’s harshness was not the way to her heart, either. _If there even was a way to her heart; surely, after what she experienced with Ramsey Bolton, there wasn’t._

  
He knew it wasn’t fair to think that. He felt compassion for her, even more when he remembered the atrocities committed by the bastard Lord against his enemies. The fact that _Her Grace_ killed him in such a vicious manner told him everything, and Brienne not having said a word against it made it even clearer. 

  
His opinion changed one day when she approached him and asked him in a low voice to stay by her side. A moment later a tall, older, jaundiced and extremely thin man approached them and waited a few second for Podrick to leave, but he stayed in place. The man greeted _Her Grace_ reverently, making long and uncomfortable pauses every time he proffered any phrase, over thinking his words for way to long before saying them. Podrick studied him at every chance he got and suddenly she interrupted the man.

  
“Excuse me, my Lord, but I’ve just been informed of a very important matter,” she said to the man before leaving and without giving him time to answer back.

  
Podrick gestured for her to walk ahead and he found himself following through the garden, “is he dangerous?” he whispered after taking several steps.  
  
She looked ahead to the open landscape before her, “I’ve nothing against him but something in him makes me uncomfortable. He’s an odd man.”

  
Podrick nodded, “Maybe you intimidate him.” A beautiful, young woman; _the most powerful one_ too, that would intimidate anyone.

  
The fact that he gave the chills not only to her but to other women, from handmaids to ladies _made her wary._ “If the situation happens again and you don’t see any of my advisors helping me get away, you’re free to come and do so. He’s important and I’m in no position to avoid him openly.”  
  
Podrick looked back and saw that the man was talking to another Lord but he was looking at them and then he averted his eyes. He would talk to her guards and advisors to find out more about the man.

  
“I see in your eyes that you don’t approve.”

  
He turned to her once more, “ _Ma’am?”_

  
“...Me, letting those men believe that their conversation is interesting and their complements welcome.”

  
_Had he shown her in any way that he disapproved? “And they’re not?”_ he asked, hesitantly. She gazed back at him and then rolled her eyes in a dramatic gesture of disbelief that stopped him from even doubting it, Podrick smiled in amusement, “occupational hazards, _I suppose.”_ _Fake smiles and empty chatter._

  
“...I rather be in a council meeting or with a Lord talking about the North’s businesses than in these social gatherings where some interaction is expected.”

  
“...You hide it well, Ma’am. A few times there, I thought you were enjoying it.” _He thought she had enjoyed the chat they had at her cousin's wedding_ , he told himself uncertainly, _but she didn’t have to fake to like him as if he was some lord_ , he reminded himself, and she had spent more time with him, not just the few minutes she granted other men.

  
She sighed, “I’m sure it was because it was almost time to retire.” she stated truthfully and once again she realized her sardonic words amused him... for the first time she felt a sort of familiarity, Arya had smiled at her like that, Jon too. “In my job appearances are everything.”

  
“Well, at least you made their day, having them think for a while that you think they’re interesting...”

  
“Most of them aren’t.”

  
“ _Ah, most of them,”_ he said teasingly, _that meant that one or two had caught her attention_.

  
It was her who was amused by his comment, “ _the vast majority_.” The pressure on her to be betrothed and wedded were ever present. She had no interest to do so but she would do it when it was right because continuing her family name was crucial to her. But she wouldn't say so to avoid the pressure. “most of my advisors, even my guards already know to take me away from my _suitors_ if I spend more than a couple of minutes with them. It’s better than showing them my lack of interest.”

  
He now understood why she was sharing that information, so that he would do the same when she needed it. “Understood, Ma’am.”

  
Sansa took a deep breath and looked back seeing too many people still in the yard, what she wanted was to scurry away, _not socializing_. “I don’t want to go back there” she stated tiredly.

  
Podrick nodded noticing in her tone that she had made her mind up to go back. Seeing as she didn’t continue he asked, “Your orders, ma’am?”

  
“...I can’t just leave...”

  
“You’re the Queen...you can leave.” Her brother very rarely attended his own gatherings and when he did it was a short and concise affair. _He definitely didn’t socialize._

  
_There were times when she could but this wasn’t one of those times_ , “I can’t afford to be impolite.”

  
Podrick raised his brows, “are you impolite a lot, ma’am?” he asked teasingly but respectfully, as a matter of fact, she was the most lady-like woman, being Queen only accentuated that feature in her.

  
_“Sometimes more subtly than others,”_ She said on a tired exhale and she was surprised when she felt a smile on her face, _almost mockingly_ , she saw Ser Podrick returning her smile, “ _it’s not funny,_ ” she groaned as she felt herself smiling more openly, which he mirrored, and it had them both lowering their heads to hide their smiles.

  
He gave her a side-glance, it was unusual to see her smiling like that, it looked good on her, “I’m sorry ma’am.” He tried to get serious as he looked in another direction. 

  
She took a big breath, “Stop apologizing so much, you do it when there’s no need for it, _have you noticed?_ ” She closed her eyes on a heavy sigh, “...Pulling a smile out of me doesn’t call for an apology.”

  
He didn’t feel like he had made her smile, _she’s the one who made the comment_. “I think it’s funny how you sometimes make some ironic and biting comments, Ma’am.” During this outing she had done so several times and he always tried to remain serious and mostly failed.

  
“I’ve noticed.” 

Her advisors would sometimes scolded her for treating some Lords —who deserved it, in her opinion— like that and more than once she had seen Ser Podrick lowering his face to hide a grin.

Because of that, she found herself looking for his approval a couple of times when she had made a mean comment, “you aren’t one of my advisors, or a lord or my subject, it’s a relief no having to worry about what I say in front of you, Ser Podrick.” 

_Being more or less the same age helped too._ Most of her Lords and advisors were older that her and her ladies were too polite and young to appreciate it when she came to the same level of a man. 

  
“...And I'm never too sure of how to act around you. We weren’t more that acquaintances before. You would order Brienne and she me. And now I’m by your side. I’m used to serving lords, the only Lady I've served was Ser Brienne and she wasn’t strictly a lady... so sometimes I feel lost and I forget my place when I’m in your presence, Ma’am.”

  
She turned to look at him and saw him staring into the horizon with the wind blowing in his hair. He was letting his bear grow, probably because of the cold or to blend in with northern men who didn’t accept him and wouldn’t hide it.

She stopped looking at him, “In my case, I think I'm beginning to trust you because of the circumstances… and nostalgia,” she admitted. _For starters, she shouldn’t be here with him avoiding the celebration._ “Talking to you is certainly more entertaining than chatting with those men.”

  
_Because there were no pretensions between them._ “I’m flattered, Ma’am.” Though he had noticed that one day they’d have a short, nice chat and the next would be rigid and stoic. She was always so stern and he was afraid to saying something he shouldn’t. _And speaking of,_ _“...But you have to consider the rumors.”_ They had only shared a few conversations these past two months but he knew his stay in Winterfell and his constant presence by her side wasn’t appreciated, and they were giving people fodder for talk. That on top of what had transpired at lord Robyn’s wedding.

  
“Those who know me should know that those rumors are fabrications.”

She said as she started walking again, “And those who believe them are assuming that my life is far more interesting than it is...”

  
Podrick hesitated before following her, “Let me remind you, Ma’am that the gossip will reflect as badly on me as it will on you. I took an oath as a Kingsguard. I can’t gamble my achievements on rumors.” _It was hard enough to keep his celibacy vows_ _to throw it all away because she was feeling rebellious enough to dismiss the gossip._

  
This time she realized her error and she felt herself blushing, “... this time I’m the one who has to apologize, Ser Podrick.” _She’d forgotten about those vows._ She turned and they went back to rejoin the celebration.

  
It wasn’t as though he was entertaining the thought that the rumors could come true, least of all with her because she wasn’t just unattainable, she wasn’t his type either. It was just that sometimes it was tempting _to think_ about sex.

From what he saw in Kings Landing when he was Lord Tyrion’s young squire and what he saw now as a Kingsguard, almost every guard still had sex after taking their vows and everyone else knew it and pretended they didn’t as long as their duties to the crown remained their priority.

Podrick had been serious about following his oath to the letter. _It was hard, sometimes almost impossible but he had managed so far. “_ Besides, ma’am, I know you’re not that indifferent to the rumors. Right know you’re speaking out of anger and exhaustion.”

  
“... _That’s probably true._ ”

  
“You have an impeccable reputation to uphold.”

  
_She knew that more than anyone._ Still, her lords had had to tame her bouts of anger sometimes to stop her from saying something she shouldn’t. _Pretty much in the same way he had just done._

  
Podrick saw his chance for a joke, “And with all due respect, Ma’am, if what you want is to start a rumor, I’d recommend someone better than me, someone with more stature.”

  
A side glance showed her he was smiling. When she faced him he subtly nodded to the _Scary Man_.

  
Sansa tried not to smile back, “... Ser Podrick, just because I’m not interested in those matters doesn’t mean I don’t have standards.”

  
_Quite high ones, he figured,_ he thought as he smiled at her more openly.

  
After a few moments he escorted her back to where most people had gathered. Podrick suddenly recognized a Lord he knew and the man nodded to him in greeting from afar. He was a Lord from the Reach and he knew him because a while back he had accompanied Ser Davos and Lord Bronn to speak to him. He was curious to see the man this far up north.  
  
“Do you know him?” Sansa asked, _because she obviously didn’t_.

  
“Yes Ma’am,” he tried to remember his name until he found it, “Lord Ashford of the Reach.”

  
Sansa frowned seeking the man again and remembering her uncle Edmure had mentioned the man; she didn’t want to miss he chance, “he brings in wood from Essos, _right_?”

  
“...Yes, Ma’am.” he saw her immediately connecting the dots.

  
_He knew Podrick_ , which meant that he’d treated with her brother and that they probably had bought wood to reestablish the Six Kingdom’s fleet. _It was the same man that had closed a deal with her uncle, which interested her_. “Can you introduce me?”

  
Podrick was surprised and uncomfortable at the request. “I’m not a guest, Ma’am... I think the lord that brought him should do it.” _She knew that_.

.  
.  
.  
Some days later, during one of her last visits, the celebration underway was one of the most enthusiastic ones.

  
Podrick stood beside a table filled with young people and children. A young man was talking excitedly about the Queen.

  
_‘It was her who won the Battle of the Bastards, not Jon’s sword. She ended her husband and took Winterfell back. She passed justice on the biggest traitor her family knew Lord Baelish, and she did it in front of the army he had brought to win the battle. She spoke for the entire North to challenge the Dragon Queen knowing her life depended on it. During the Long Night, she welcomed everyone who sought refuge in her castle, she protected and fed them. In the weeks that followed, she was in charge of fixing Winterfell and Winter Town; she made sure that the people who was left with nothing and did want to leave could stay in houses that were left empty. She divided the grain left in equal parts and returned to every lord because they would need it as much as her since winter didn’t stop. And then she marched to King’s Landing along the Vale’s army despite the Lords’ protests. She went to rescue her brother and when she returned she proclaimed independence.’_

  
It was clear that the young man admired her. Podrick smiled when the lad looked at him, _‘Do you think she’ll dance with me?’_ He found himself babbling for a moment not knowing what would be prudent to say, “It’s better to be brave and be refused than to live a life regretting not asking the question.”

He saw the young man studying his words, to have a girl interject and tell Pod that his words were silly and the rest of the table nodded trying to make the boy desist telling him that if the _Queen_ refused him it would be _the worst thing that would ever happen to him_.

  
Podrick grinned and sought her with his eyes, oddly, she was dancing with one of many Lords and after a twirl, he saw him place a hand on her lower back, a bit low for his liking.

Even with the words she spoke to him last time, he didn’t feel in a position to act, plus he could see that the display wasn’t inappropriate. Still, he looked at Lord Harry, who immediately approached them. She stopped and Podrick was able to read on _Her Grace’s_ lips the words, “ _Let go of me, please_ ” and he saw the Lord releasing her just before Lord Harry got to them apologizing and surely telling _Her Grace_ that he needed to inform her of something important.

  
She left the hall through the door that he was guarding and he noticed she was upset and blushing, but also relieved from being rescued. Lord Harry was walking behind her and he followed them as not to lose them from his sight but he stopped when he saw them stopping after a turn on a near-by corridor. 

  
“You shouldn’t play these games if you don’t want to be shocked afterwards, _Ma’am_.” Lord Harry said, unable to contain his anger and indignation.

  
Sansa just held his gaze, upset by his veiled jealousy and his words, “...These games, _as you call them_ , are necessary sometimes. _Do you think I like them_?” _Some opinions he should keep to himself._

  
As if reading her mind he replied, “I’m your advisor and my job is to speak up when I find it necessary.”

  
“...Then, make sure to only share the opinions that are necessary for your job.”

  
“… _This_ is not personal.”

  
“Then why aren’t my other advisors here, passing judgment?”

  
Podrick lowered his gaze and acted like he wasn’t listening to the scene and the words they continued to exchange. _Had he seen them being friendly with each other during any other interaction? He wasn’t sure._ Cordial? yes, but not friendly. The conversation ended with her turning and going back to the dancing hall passing him by in a rush. On his part, he followed her into the hall to continue working and never taking his eyes off her.

  
Almost an hour later, he saw the young man standing up and staring at her as if gathering the courage. “Maybe on the next visit,” he advised. The man told him he had to take advantage of the fact that no one else was asking her to dance. Podrick was about to reply but the girl from before stepped in —she was probably his sister from the way she spoke— “ _That’s because she doesn’t want to dance anymore, stupid._ ”

_._  
 _._  
 _._  
They tried not to stay in the same castle for over a day during these outings, and when they had to spend the night she would be restless until one night —as he escorted her to her room along two guards— she admitted that she couldn’t stop thinking about _The Red Wedding_ during these feasts. Podrick didn’t reply or eased her worries. Sometimes he would post one of his guards along her Queensguard and sometimes he would stay with them all night by her door while she slept.

  
During one of their outings another handsome and gallant _young man_ gathered the courage to approach _Her Grace_ with some flowers and a package with lemon cakes, as it was known that they were her favorites. She thanked him and innocently entertained him for a couple of minutes before saying goodbye. When they were walking to the carriage Podrick saw _Her Grace_ and her favourite lady in waiting, Lady Rose, sharing a look and a complicit smile. They were probably laughing at how young the man was. 

  
“He’d suit you better than me.” She told the young woman that she was so fond of.

  
Lady Rose took the small packages as they walked and she breathed in the aroma of the flowers, “the flowers for me and the cakes for you?” he saw the Queen agreeing. 

  
It wasn’t until they reached Lord Harry that he showed his annoyance with the innocent situation, “you shouldn’t act as though you’re selling yourself to the highest bidder, Ma’am.”.

  
Podrick came to a halt. So did Her Grace and Lady Rose. The silence was striking but he wasn’t in any position to stand up for her; he was one of her guards, _yes, but not really._

Lady Rose was looking at him over her shoulder as if expecting him to act but Her Grace carried on to get inside the carriage and Lady Rose followed. The Queen herself bent over and closed the door from inside to deny Lord Harry access.

  
For some reason Lord Harry went straight to where he was left standing and stopped in front of him, “ _... That’s no way to address your Queen,_ ” was the only thing Podrick managed to say since he suspected that anything more would bring in problems with the entire North. He straightened his posture expecting a punch from that giant but nothing came.   
  
The man sighed, “I know...I just...” he left the words in the air, “...Sometimes I can’t control myself around her.”

  
It surprised Podrick, that revelation. _Being jealous of a boy with an innocent gesture._ Although he assumed that there was more to it that he didn’t know about.

  
“Ser Podrick, get me a horse.”

  
“Right away, My Lord.” he replied and followed the order to then ride by the carriage when they were in motion.

  
When they arrived at the inn where they would spend the night he didn’t see Lord Harry escorting her to her room along the Guard as usual. When they had dinner, he saw him drink more wine and ale than normal. _Her Grace_ dined in her room.

  
Maybe the drinks loosened up the man because for the first time, he saw him being less uptight and sharing with the soldiers. On his part, he found himself having a good time and he forced himself to leave the dining room to seat outside her room, trading posts with the guards, whom he saw finishing the lemon cakes that the young lord had given her earlier. At a very late hour, he saw Lord Harry coming up and walking to her room.

  
“Her Grace is resting.” Jacob, the Lord Commander of the Queensguard, spoke.

  
Podrick had Lord Harry looking directly at him.

  
“I just want to apologize.”

  
_It wouldn’t be appropriate at this hour._ Podrick looked at Jacob and nodded at him, letting him know he would deal with this. He walked toward the lord and was surprised to see that he followed when he guided him to his own room.

  
“How? I’ve no clue. I’m not used to apologizing. But she also needs to understand that she has to make herself respectable.” he whispered as though not wanting to be heard.

  
She was the most respected woman in the north and he thought those words were because the lord was drunk. “Apologize tomorrow, My Lord. I doubt she’d want to be awaken for it...and in the meantime, think about what you’ll say.”

  
He sighed, “She’s the exact opposite of what I once thought.” he stated drunkenly.  
  
“Aren’t all women?” Podrick smiled as he stopped three doors down. The two rooms that flanked hers were always occupied by her ladies in waiting and handmaids. “Your room, My Lord.”

The man walked towards it and Podrick stayed with him until he saw him lying on the bed face down and still dressed. He closed the door and immediately heard loud snores.

  
The next morning Lord Harry went to look for Ser Podrick on the stables while he was checking the estate of the horses to make sure that they were ready for their impending departure, “...I wanted to thank you for stopping me from going to the Queen last night. It would have made things worse.”

  
Podrick smiled, “Some advice, My Lord, if you will,” The man hesitated but eventually nodded, “I think it’d be better if you don’t judge her and make things easier on her. If you put yourself in her shoes, not as an advisor, you’d understand what she’s living with.” Right away he knew that the man didn’t like what he said because he stood defensively. 

  
“Ser Podrick, make no mistake. I don’t need _a nobody_...giving me advice. You might know how to deal with whores and loose girls but not with a lady like her. _Certainly, not as to understand her.”_

  
That change baffled Podrick, who only got red from anger.

  
“It’s better that you listen to _my_ advice; _you remember your place_.” 

  
It wasn’t because he _remembered his place_ that he didn’t talk back to the man but because he didn’t like fist fights. He turned to the lord holding his place, his head high and ready for a fight, not letting himself be intimidated, _just because he didn’t like fights didn't mean he would cower from one_.

  
And if he provoked him with another insult he already knew what he would reply.

  
From then on he obviously started to avoid the lord, and the one time he ordered Podrick to bring him something he answered that he was there to serve _Her Grace_ and not him. He saw him get red and his fists closing but he did nothing against his insolence. He waited for a few days to hear a rumor saying he, _Podrick,_ was difficult to work with or that what happened reached _Her Grace’s_ ears and that she’d have him called for an explanation but that didn’t happen.

  
Someone else who he saw avoiding the man was the Queen and her lady.  
.  
.  
.  
On a random dawn in one of those foreign castles when he was posted on her door she left the room saying she was sleepless and worried. Jacob, her head guard asked if she was going for a walk and she said she wanted to visit the library.

Wordlessly they found themselves on the room, she entered and he stayed out with the other guards.

  
Podrick took a look inside a couple of times and he found her worried and staring into the dissonance instead of lost in a book. She looked for solitude, he had already realized that.

She hadn’t any friends that he had met and he wasn’t sure what her kinship with Lady Rose entailed. She seemed to be fond of the lady but she sometimes talked down on her.

He had heard her and Lord Cromwell talking about taking more ladies on these visits, ‘Oh, I don’t need them, we all know why they will be there for. Remember Lord Cromwell that I’m not interested in such _affairs.’_ Podrick had blushed at her direct manner of talking but he kept staring at the floor willing himself to be invisible and he noticed that her goal, making her advisor uncomfortable, had been achieved as he heard him mumbling and giving in, ‘two ladies in waiting, then, Ma’am.’

  
After a while of waiting outside the library he couldn't help but stepping inside, “Is everything alright, Ma’am?”

  
She looked at Podrick as he took her out of her revelry. She was surprised that he had dared disturbed her, “...worries abound,” she simply said.

  
He nodded, “would you like me to have Lady Amelia called here?” since her ladies in waiting were there to keep her company and entertain her with conversation, card games or reading more than to preserve her honor. They also were there to judge the suitors that would go near her, giving her opinions good and bad. She stared at him as though reaching a conclusion, then she gestured to the seat in front of her. A cautious voice in him told him that he should have better stayed out with the guards.

  
He took a seat, “What do you think of Lord Harry?” she decided to ask as she was still angry at what had happened. 

  
_He definitively didn’t want to get involved in the troubles between them_ , “...he’s a good advisor,” he said tentatively.

  
_He was._ His connections outside the North were something she couldn’t deny, _“...and personally?”_

  
He lowered his eyes, “I know what this is about. And no, he shouldn’t have treated you like he did...there was no reason for it.” he saw her nodding without letting on what she thought of his words.

“And I didn’t feel in any position to say something. He’s a Northerner and I’m a foreigner. We were at a northerner house-”

  
She raised her hand to stop him, “you have one job, just the one, to protect me, _not to stand up for me._ ”

  
Podrick nodded as he suspected that she knew about his hostility with Lord Harry but the silence continued, which made him more uncomfortable.

  
Sansa knew that sometimes her cold and stern demeanor made people uncomfortable, “I wanted to inform you that from now on Lord Cromwell will stay by my side as my head advisor.”

  
_Podrick had already noticed that._ He nodded and was about to stand but stopped at her words.

  
“I haven’t dismissed you.”

  
He immediately blushed and took his pace, “I’m sorry, Ma’am.”

  
“It’s alright.” Sansa faked a smile more to put him at ease than because she felt like it, “Do you remember that some weeks ago I told you that I feel I can trust you because you’re not my subject?”

  
_Yes,_ that he was no one of importance and therefore she didn’t worry about how she expressed herself in front of him, “I remember everything you tell me, Ma’am.”

  
_That wasn’t the answer she expected_ , “I would like you to be honest with me about what you think...”

  
That surprised him, “I’m always honest.”

  
“I know. But you don’t...share your opinions, your concerns. I would like you to.”

  
“I’m not going to talk about your brother’s reign, ma’am, it’s not why he sent me.”

  
“You’re misunderstanding me, Ser Podrick, I’m not asking you to disclose that, just like I trust you not to talk to him about my reign’s business. What I meant is that I want someone to not...blindly treat me as their Queen, someone who speaks their mind without caring if it annoys me. Like Brienne used to do. You remember, right?”

  
Yes, in more than one occasion he had been shocked at the direct manner in which Brienne spoke to, question and contradicted her; respectfully but assertively, letting her know when she thought she was wrong. “I’m in no position to do that, Ma’am, and also, that’s why you have advisors.”

  
“First, if you want to, I’m putting you in that position, and secondly, my advisors care about the realm, not me and my wellbeing.” Sansa pointed to a chess board that was on a table and he brought it. 

  
“I’m warning you, Ma’am, I’m not good at this game.” he said as he thought about what she had just said, it was something that concerned him. 

  
_Chess was about strategy._ She had thought that a warrior would be good at this; the Lord Commander of her Guard was a formidable adversary that always won against everyone he competed, “Not to worry, neither am I.” _She was lying_. They set the pieces in silence and seeing as he didn’t continue she spoke, “what do you think of my proposal?”

  
He swallowed, “You trusted Brienne a great deal, probably because of your gender, Ma’am. There are things I couldn’t say without feeling like I’m overstepping.”

  
_Interesting,_ “Such as?”

  
Podrick moved awkwardly and he groaned before speaking, “Ma’am I-”

  
“Come on, humor me, I’m giving you a free pass, just for now as long as we’re in this library, you can change your mind tomorrow.” She made the first move in the game. He had his eyes on the game, surely assessing what to say instead of planning his move.

  
He felt blushing and after thinking he made up his mind since he had started that conversation, and he made his move, “I don’t know what your relationship with Lord Harry is, but you’re familiar enough for him to think he can say what he said.”

_He had practically called her a whore._ His eyes rose and he saw her blushing, perhaps upset that he had chosen to address that first.

  
Sansa immediately realized her idea wasn’t so good, she made another move, “Tell me, Ser Podrick, do you think I’m too familiar with you?”

  
He mumbled for a moment not knowing what to say; on the one hand she mostly kept her distance and on the other she was friendly on occasion. He guessed that if he had a higher position there wouldn’t be anything odd about it, _“Yes.”_

  
She raised her eyebrows, _“Inappropriately so?”_

  
The heat in the room kept increasing but he didn’t have to think twice about that, “No, ma’am, you’re a lady.”

  
His words held a bit of irony in them, although she always tried to behave appropriately, her position would make her betray certain moral dilemmas at times. “Lord Harry thinks I give you inappropriate attention, just as you just implied I give him.”

  
He interjected before she continued, “I didn’t imply anything, Ma’am. And I didn’t say your relationship with him is improper, you misunderstand me,” he said worriedly and starting to sweat. 

  
Seeing him uneasy amused her for some reason, she smiled to appease him, “Don’t worry, Ser Podrick, I know what you meant.”

  
_Then why was she twisting the conversation?_ He wondered, a bit bothered as he wiped his brow with the back of his hand.

  
Sansa made her move and she waited for him to make his, they did this a couple of times while she argued with herself, not about telling him or not about Lord Harry, since she herself didn’t care about it, but about being too familiar with him. “Do you wonder why Lord Harry seems to think he can be that familiar with me?” he took his piece and tapped the board with it as though thinking about it.

  
She was definitely putting him in an awkward situation but he didn’t know if it was on purpose, Podrick made a decision, “may I ask a favor?”

  
She raised her eyebrow, “It depends on what it is.”

  
“...Due to my position you intimidate me, because of the way you speak. We’re not equals and sometimes you treat me as one but I’m not sure if you’re testing me, if there’s a riddle somewhere, a game...a deception... though, I don’t think that’s the word... Forgive me if I’m offending you but... I’m not sure what to make of you, of this conversation.”

  
His words surprised her and her eyes found his, Ser Podrick was staring openly at her and it didn’t seem to intimidate him as she thought it would.

It suddenly felt that they were staring at each other for far too long, as if it were an unspoken challenge between them, ordinary brown eyes, sincere eyes, a deep and honest stare, nice eyelashes and brows that suited his eyes and the shape of his face, his eyes again, full blushing cheeks, a few week’s old beard, dark and well-kept, his eyes again... _he wasn’t attractive but he was handsome_. 

Feeling that her eyes were slowly traveling through his features, it was her who broke her haze. _What were they talking about?_ Suddenly she remembered, “You’re right, Ser Podrick, the word isn’t deception at all.” she said plainly. She looked at the board and made a move to realize her mistake right away, “what was the favor?”

  
Even after she broke her gaze he had been distracted by the blue of her eyes, by her long eyelashes, he couldn’t remember anyone looking at him with so much depth and honestly before, so openly. _So beautiful_ _._

“...I’d like to talk with the friendly Queen that you were at your cousin’s wedding,” he heard himself say unabashedly, like she wasn’t her but some woman he was flirting with and he immediately felt mortified; she was surprised and he debated whether to go on, deciding that it was worst to back-track “...the one you let me see, at times.”

  
She realized that he was deeply embarrassed, “That friendly Queen only comes out when her guard is down”. She heard the defensiveness in her tone coming out because he made her remember everything that life took from her since she first travelled to Kings Landing.

  
He felt himself sweating again, _he suspected that what he said next would mark the remainder of his time in the North_ , “then let it down, Ma’am, I don’t judge. I’m no one. You don’t have to worry about me.” he made the next move with shaking hands as he pretended that there was something deeply interesting on the chess board while he awaited her reply. 

  
Sansa looked at him for a few seconds while he wasn’t facing her and she felt uncertain, _wasn’t this what she wanted? Someone to tell the truth to her face?_

She planned her next move though she couldn’t fully focus on it. She played, another mistake, she exhaled deeply looking at the piece, “...Lord Harry’s father was a great man; he wished to see me married to his son. I never made any promises or agreed but for a while, Lord Harry believed himself betrothed to me. I made it clear we weren’t. I know he understands that nothing more will come out of our professional relationship but at times he seems to forget it.”

And when he did, Sansa would _contemptuously_ remind him. _The man was not easy to get along with, so why would she be?_

  
_Some things were starting to make sense about that._ “...I see, now” He was surprised that she would reveal that and that she would dismiss what could have been his own great mistake against her.

  
Sansa searched his eyes again, “in your opinion, do you believe the lord’s unwanted attention may become a major problem for me?”

  
“I don’t know the man, Ma’am.” He noticed that she didn’t like his reply, “......but if what I saw a couple of days ago with you is any indication I understand why you were upset... I’m assuming he didn’t take it well when you relieved him of his position to grant it to Lord Cromwell.” Podrick moved a piece on the board.

  
“He actually didn’t take it badly. He said that he thought it was appropriate for him to take a break and he apologized.”

  
_“…That’s good.”_ That surprised him…

  
_She thought so too_ , “But today he was showing his dislike for my newfound _friendship_ with Lord Hillman.”

  
He measured his words before speaking, “Not that I’m siding with him, Ma’am, but Lord Hillman...he’s a good reason to be jealous.” he admitted, “out of all of your suitors he’s the most handsome and gallant and he seems to esteem you.”

  
She raised her brow, “If I wanted to hear about the man’s qualities I’d be speaking with Lady Rose about him.” If the young woman had been present she wouldn’t stop speaking about him, but they were near her father’s lands and she had allowed her to stay there for a few weeks before joining them.

  
Podrick couldn’t help but find the comment funny, “...I’m just saying that you seemed to be having a nice time with him, Ma’am.” _She certainly had given him more than the usual three minutes she gave her other suitors_.  
  
The Lord was easy on the eyes and he knew how to play his hand, acting charming and interesting, _he could charm a snake if he set out to do that_ , and she knew this kind of people, someone to be reckoned with. “I told you, not everything is as it seems.”

  
Podrick stared at her with doubts because she had seemed _quite_ taken with the man. _And he wasn’t the only one who had noticed._ _She wasn’t fooling him_ , “…and sometimes it is.”

  
_“…Perhaps…”_ She admitted, it wasn’t above her to be attentive —and entertained— when she was studying an attractive, charming man; studying the way they pretended, how they screwed up, how they’d get out of that situation, how much they were into their part, how they think. _And yes_ , he was so good in the role he played that she would have fallen for it if she wasn’t ready to expect the worst of people.

  
To a point that was what she was doing with Podrick, studying him; but unlike Lord Hillman she didn’t see him acting the part, there was nothing that worried her or made her wary of his intentions, “but those conversations are trivial...a distraction.”

  
“Distractions are good. They clear the mind.” Something _she surely needed constantly._

  
_Yes_. And without intending to she read something more in his words. There was a veiled difference between a distraction for a man like him and a woman like her. One she didn’t mention because it wasn’t prudent and there was no reason for it.

Sansa gestured to the chess board and he nodded. They played a few hands then, “I don’t doubt that there will be talk by tomorrow. But regardless of how gallant and handsome Lord Hillman appears to be, he doesn’t fulfill the requirements I need.”

  
They were going back to the conversation form a couple of weeks ago and he tentatively smiled before speaking, “... One can only assume that your standards are high, Ma’am.”

  
She nodded, “ _More than high, I’ve made them unreachable._ ” After speaking she realized who she was telling this... _Podrick knew first hand of her past with Lord Bolton and she was oversharing._

  
That made him replace his tentative smile with a genuinely amused grin, “...and yet, I suspect that a handful of men will take that as a challenge.”

  
“Stop talking about my suitors, Ser Podrick.” she asked nicely, “I’m not lying when I say that if I wanted to talk about them I’d be chatting with one of my ladies in waiting, or with my advisors.”

  
Podrick nodded, _and yes_ , they always circled back to that subject, now that he thought about it. He decided to be a bit friendlier since she hadn’t shut him down, “…Ma’am, _I apologize,_ but you’re not really good at this game.”  
  
Sansa lifted her eyebrows after a few moments; _most people would have let her win._ And his honesty was proven once more, even by him saying those words who very few people would say to her.

She arranged the pieces to start a new match. “That’s because I was paying more attention to our conversation.” She lied; she had been willing to lose on purpose just to see if he was honest when it came to something as simple as this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, thanks to fangfaceandrea for this translation.


	4. Chapter 4

  
The attack against her happened when and where they least expected it; not in a Castle but at an Inn.

  
Everything started with a horse whining well after midnight, which woke him up. He didn’t know why he couldn’t ignore the noise as he tried to fall back asleep; instead, he walked to the window and saw a surprising number of men walking and sneaking to the place through the front door.

That night in particular he had felt too tired and he had left two of his men posted on her door along with her guards. He had gone to bed with his clothes on and the only thing he thought of doing was putting on his shoes and grabbing the sword before rushing to her room.

“Something’s going on downstairs,” he explained to Jacob, who immediately sent a man to check. The guard hadn’t made it to the end of the hall when they heard screaming from down below. Right away all but two guards left them to cover the hall.

  
Podrick opened her door and found her standing even before he could utter a word. Their eyes found each other; hers were wide and filled with panic. He signaled for her to be quiet and he saw her trying to pick her clothes up _but they had no time to lose._

Not caring that she was only wearing a robe, he took her by the arm and swiftly dragged her with him; Sansa managed to take her coat, which was on a chair on the way out. As they ran out she saw her men guarding their rear as two guards followed them. Some paces ahead, they met Lord Harry who signaled them to continue along the corridor.

  
Podrick was sweating profusely as he was careful to be silent as they walked through the place, but when they reached the second floor through a passageway meant for the servants, they were caught. They ran away in the darkness as her Guards and other soldiers appeared to try to stop their attackers. He took her hand and they descended another floor rushing her even more.

Suddenly, they opened a door and two men turned towards them. Time seemed to stop as they were recognized; the men looked at her, then at him and her again. And Podrick assessed their weapons with a quick glance. He felt her tugging at his hand to go back but it was too late. _The worst thing they could do was turn their backs on them and get backed into a corner._

He let go of her without thinking about the enemies that could have been following them and heard something as Lord Harry appeared beside them; there was also the sounds of steps rushing to them and Jacob’s voice. Seeing Lord Harry throwing himself at the enemies ahead, he realized that what was behind them was far worse.

_For now, the priority was dealing with the ones in front of them._ He joined in the Lord’s attack after seeing one of the enemies easily blocking his attack. This time everything happened in a rush, he went outside and waited with his sword held firmly in his hands for the first man to approach him, to lunge at him, his senses at the ready. Podrick didn’t even realize how he defeated him, his focus was on regaining his balance and blocking the sword that grazed his neck.

Taking advantage of his opponent’s bad stance, Podrick kicked him between the legs and though he found armor, it wasn’t too thick as the man doubled oven in pain while screams of _“Run! Run now!”_ rang in the air. 

Podrick swung his sword and assuming he had killed the man, lifted his eyes to see her run past him in a blind panic while men tried to follow as her Guard, Lord Harry and other soldiers tried to block the way of about ten enemies. Podrick followed her with his eyes realizing he was the last man in the defense line, and he got in the way of one of the men who skipped over their defenses, cutting him off and earning her a few seconds of advantage.

It was pouring rain, there was a thunderstorm, which was the only reason why no one heard the screaming as their enemies flooded out and she disappeared in the total darkness. He made to follow her but his arm was suddenly hit with immense pain.

Sansa didn’t know where she was going; she was running as fast as her legs would carry her. She kept stumbling and tripping, _her shoes weren’t made for this_. She kept glancing back but didn’t see anyone following her. _She needed a weapon, a sword or a knife._ She never stopped and though her coat protected her form the rain it kept getting heavier and making her slower.

A building suddenly became visible through the fog and darkness but it didn’t seem wise to go into it. Further along, she lost her balance and fell, she slid and tumbled down a hill, making herself into a ball to protect her head from being hit, though thankfully the mud made the fall feel softer than under normal circumstances.

When the world stopped spinning she struggled to stand as she felt dizzy and lost. She tried to take a step and pain shot through her from her ankle but she knew she couldn’t sit there and wait to be rescued, so she struggled and moaned through the pain to take the firsts steps. With great effort she limped her way without direction noticing that the pain got better as her foot got warmer; she also noticed she lost the coat somewhere but she wouldn’t go back for if even if the cold started to get to her.

A while later, she found herself standing in front of a road barely illuminated by the full moon, half hidden between the clouds. There were about twelve or fifteen battered houses along each side of the road, _at least they looked abandoned._ She immediately acted. _The Green Door._ Without hesitation, without thinking, she ran towards that house in the middle of the street.

_The only color to her in that moment was the green on that door._

The door opened as soon as she turned the knob and she silently pushed her way inside with her shoulder. The only sound she could hear was her own heartbeat, her breath and the rain falling on her since part of the roof had collapsed who knows how long ago. The state of the place made it even more evident that it was abandoned.

Several feet right in front of the entrance and facing a corridor there was another _green_ _door_. All of the sudden she heard noises outside so she went straight to the door and realized that instead of a small room, it led to a closet or a cupboard. She locked herself inside of it as she tried to pick up on the noises outside. Moments later she heard the door opening and then screaming; orders being shouted from the street.

The sounds of screaming and swords striking against each other flooded the place. It was difficult but Podrick managed to get rid of one of his attackers and when he realized he was free but that the massacre continued, he decided to go into the direction where _Her Grace_ went. As he ran he looked at his arm and realized that the wound, though open, wasn’t too big, _he wouldn’t have been wounded if he had been wearing armor._

He ran blindly taking notice of whether he was leaving a bloody trail but the darkness made it impossible to tell, he imagined the rain would erase any evidence on the mud as it had erased any track she would have left to tell him where she went. After some time he felt he was being followed and he turned to find Lord Harry bleeding from either his head or face, he couldn’t tell, “ _I don’t know where she went.”_ he admitted.

Lord Harry was a seasoned hunter and he looked to the ground, not finding tracks or any broken sticks to signal her passing; he would have liked to have a torch too, along with more time and patience. _Nothing left to do but leave it to chance,_ “I’ll go that way.” She had seemed to vanish somewhere in that direction _but he wasn’t sure._

  
Podrick nodded and went left, no clear destination in mind. As he went, he looked for clues but he couldn't find anything in the dark, though he wasn’t giving up. He slipped down several times but he continued quickly and carefully.

_Where could she be? Which way did she go?_ Suddenly he stopped as he reached a small town, everything was dark. _She wasn’t stupid; she wouldn’t hide in the first place she had come across._ He was about to pass by when, from the corner of his eye he saw a ghostly movement in the air near the end of the road; he turned and saw that there was nothing there, nothing but a door.

_A fucking green door!_ He immediately ran towards it, feeling the distance growing and that he’d never be able to reach it.

As he grew near, Podrick saw a flock of three black ravens that were standing on the roof of the house took flight again, _were they the flash of movement that caught his attention? No, that wasn’t it; he thought he had seen her skirt flapping in the air_.

He hadn’t finished closing the door when he heard screaming outside. _Men ordering others to find her. Had they seen him? And the voices were so close there was no chance of escaping!_ He grabbed his sword in fear, took a deep breath and for a few seconds that he perceived as the lasts of his life, he went deeper into the living room seeking refuge, he was about to turn back and face the door and his attacker when he saw _another_ green door in front of him.

Sansa thought everything was lost when she saw that the door was opening; she immediately flung herself at whoever was on the other side, throwing punches; one hitting a chin and another a shoulder but she was promptly stopped and strongly and cruelly held by her wrists, though as she struggled, she realized it was Ser Podrick holding her while hissing in a low voice _Ma’am, Ma’am, Ma’am they’re outside_ , so she quickly stopped and he released her. Lighting stroke through the darkness and she saw blood on his shirt. Without a word, he swiftly pushed her inside with his body.

  
He was holding his sword in one hand and closing the door behind him with the other. He found himself looking into _Her Grace’s_ eyes through the darkness. In his search for safety he pushed her further into the room but he felt her body push-up against his, letting him know that the small space wouldn’t leave much room for moving, she barely moved an inch back, _it just wasn’t enough._

He stopped moving because he feared that the old wood would creak. “Are you hurt?” he whispered as he tried to take the sword with his other hand. He couldn’t hear her reply but he felt her slightly shake her head.

  
They were both afraid, their hearts galloping in their chests. Their own breathing sounded too loud to their ears.

Sansa startled when the door of the house opened and they heard orders to continue to look for her down the road.

  
Podrick lowered his head to speak to her as low as possible, almost against her ear, “don’t breathe so loud,” he asked and he felt her nodding. He straightened up again.

They could tell that two or three men remained in the house by the way in which the wood creaked from their weight as they walked. Torchlight suddenly filtered in through the closet from a hole in the door. At least the hole was above their heads.

He looked at her when he felt her taking his hand as the steps neared their hiding spot, in turn, he gripped the sword's hilt harder wishing he was better positioned in case the door was opened, but there was no room to do it. Podrick closed his eyes imagining the man stabbing his sword through the rotten wood instead of just opening the door.

As the steps continued on to the hallway and then from behind them, she gripped his hand harder and harder. The smell of alcohol suddenly reached Podrick’s nose and he gave her a surprised look but he couldn’t dwell on that thought since dust started falling over their heads; one of the men was standing right above them on the second floor.

A silence that felt like an eternity fell upon them and he studied her in the shadows, the shape of her head against the wall, her eyes closed and her lips moving. _Praying, perhaps._ Podrick also closed his eyes and slowed his breathing as he tried to vanish the thought of his life, regrets and anything that could take his focus away from this moment and the men outside.

He didn’t know what was worse, the silence or the men’s steps. He felt her eyes on him and he searched for her stare, which reminded him of her soft and cold hand on his, so he started squeezing it rhythmically to give her a false sense of bravery. B _ravery he didn’t possess._

She nodded at him. Knowing they were trapped and that there wouldn't be much to do, they just kept staring at each other.

_If by any chance they managed to get rid of the two men, the ones outside would catch them._

The wood started creaking again.

‘Let’s go, there’s no one here.’

‘Are you sure no one had come in before you entered?’

_‘…I think so.’_

_‘You think or you know?’_

_I know._

Both Podrick and Sansa were able to hear the hesitation in the man’s voice.

Sansa tensed up as she wondered if her and Podrick’s wet clothes were leaving a puddle under them in that moment; there was an old carpet and the water would reach it at any minute, _if it hadn’t, already._

All of the sudden a curse was heard followed by several strikes before a final louder one. Then, more steps, another curse and the door closing again. There was moaning and gargling. Podrick could tell the man was painfully drowning in his own blood.

They heard noises but they couldn't tell what they meant; maybe it was the same person crawling. When suddenly, the lower part or the door started getting slapped; Sansa was quicker to act letting him go and grabbing the handle at the same time as the person outside tried to use it to open the door or to stand up.

Since Podrick was wary of the man pushing his sword through the door, he placed his hand on hers making her release the handle as he gripped his sword with the other ready to strike. He just didn’t know where.

Taking a final breath he let go of the handle and the door opened a little. With one hand, he tried to push her away as subtly as he could as the shadow was visible and the choked moan could be heard. He acted on instinct knowing what had to be done; he pushed the door open with a single violent shove to get out and pushed the sword through the man’s neck before he could even react.

The man, who had been struggling to kneel, fell to the side as he tried to take a few breaths before bleeding out. After a moment Podrick went to reach for the man but she took him by the arm, stopping him. “I can’t leave him here. That would give us away if they come back,” he whispered and he felt her hesitating before letting him go.

Podrick stepped out completely and after making sure that the man was dead –not that it was possible to survive that– he handed her his sword to hold.

Sansa looked intently at the puddle of blood growing under the man and she looked at him trying to recognize him but she couldn’t. “... Neither his armor nor his clothes bear any sigil,” was the only thing she said.

_Of course they don’t._ With an effort that caused his wound to open a little more, he dragged the man into the hall to make it seem like he had continued crawling when the green door hadn’t opened.

When he straightened, and looked to the front door he noticed where the men had left the torch, but what he really saw in the dancing shadows left by the light were the scars along her naked arms.

He could see that two or three that had required stitching had been treated neatly. The longest one was about 3 or 4 inches long before getting lost in the robe’s sleeve. He felt himself taking in a shocked breath, _one of Joffrey’s guards? Joffrey? Ramsay?_  
  
He went back to her and she turned to him and now he got to study her arms from the front where there were some more scars, barely visible to him; they seemed to be scratches without a lot of space between them on her on her upper arms.

She could tell what he was doing and it made her uncomfortable so she immediately crossed her arms in front of her chest, which made him take notice of the bluish robe she was wearing; it was soaking wet and almost transparent. He lowered his eyes and subtly looked at her curves even though he tried not to but the upper part of her body looked as though she was naked; he couldn’t ignore her heavy breasts, her hard nipples, her slim abdomen, her waist, and her thighs.

Avoiding her eyes, and with the image of her perfect body printed in his mind, he walked to a table and removed the threadbare tablecloth and returned to place it on her shoulders to cover her, “are you certain you aren’t hurt?” he asked seeing blood in the lower part of her robe. Realizing that she didn’t notice his disrespectful, lustful stare calmed him down a bit but in his mind he could see Brienne scolding him for it, and a part of him was doing it too, it was unbecoming of a Knight.

She shook her head and wrapped the tablecloth tighter as a blast of wind coming from the roof made her realize she was shaking from the cold, “... It’s not mine.” _She assumed it was his,_ _“we can’t leave,”_ she stated when he stood in front of her, “We’re safer here than outside.”

  
Feeling more pain than before, he took the sword from her and placing his hand on her back, guided her deeper in the hallway to be concealed from the torchlight in case a passerby could discover them.

He handed her a knife, “Ma’am, cut my sleeve off, I need a tourniquet.”

He wasn’t too sure that she was paying attention to him because she seemed petrified and looking at the horizon. The smell of alcohol still present had him wondering if the fright had vanished her hangover. That’s when he realized that maybe asking her to cut off the sleeve might not be the smartest thing if she had been drinking that night.

But after he spoke, she set to task and he asked “how long before your men on our next stop realize you’re missing?” _When would they start worrying because there were no signs of the Queen’s retinue?_

“...Eight, ten hours.” She answered, really seeing the wound in his arm. She knew it was there but seeing the open skin, the muscle and the blood flowing shocked her and him too, she realized.

She didn’t know how she did it but she helped him wrap the sleeve around the wound. He moaned with pain as she tightened it more and she didn’t know if that would even help or not.

  
_They couldn’t stay there for half a day._ They heard voices in the street so they went back to the small cupboard and she found herself squeezed between the wall and Podrick once more.

They remained in that position, pushed against each other and staring into each other’s eyes as they honed in their senses. This time he felt her trembling against him, from cold or fear it was anyone’s guess and he felt that his hand was on her back, on top of her wet robe so he wordlessly extracted it from under the makeshift cover and put it on top of it instead. Minutes later, when it was evident there was no one around, he put some space between them, not that there was a lot of room, but they didn’t step out of the cupboard again.

It wasn’t easy to take stock of time when there was so much tension and in the dark. Podrick felt the time passing as he continues debating with himself about the best course of action.

After a long while she felt him nodding off, “the blood loss?” she whispered.

She took him by the wrist and caressed him as she softly asked the question, making him blush and his blood boil, _it definitely wasn’t blood loss._ He shook his head in answer and to shake away the image of her in her wet robe that suddenly came to his mind. “I was falling asleep,” _or that’s what he assumed_.

She grumbled annoyed and she released him. _How could he fall asleep at a time like that?_

“You learn how to when you’re a soldier,” he answered as though reading her mind, “...a job thing.” He breathed deeply, “These wet clothes aren’t helping.” They’d catch something from the cold. She didn’t reply and after a while he spoke again, “You were drinking last night, Ma’am...” _it wasn’t a question._

She felt herself blushing since she was well aware that she had overdone it, she had drunk more than she was used to, “...Yes.” she answered curtly and without explanations.

Podrick realized she didn’t want to talk about it but it was quite important to know if she was alert and of sound mind, _it could save their lives,_ “how drunk are you?”

Saying she felt defensive was understating it, _“I’m not,”_ she replied “...with such a fright, any buzz I might have had went away...”

Podrick nodded concerned by the situation and about her. He had noticed that she was drinking more than she had when she was only a lady, but he had brushed it off as her wanting to relax now that she had so much pressure on her... _but the scars he didn’t know she had until a few hours ago were a new factor to consider._

Her drinking alone after shutting herself in her room was a surprising realization in itself... he wondered if it had become a habit and how much she drank to be able to conceal it the next morning... the rare times when she slept in.

Sansa sighed as she felt him tensing beside her; she didn’t want to reveal that sometimes a drink, or several, were the only way for her to find sleep. And she preferred drinking wine to the potions her Maesters sometimes gave her that left her heavily hazy through the next day.

This morning she was particularly thankful that she hadn’t taken a potion. “...It was just a bad night that left me wishing to forget it all... I have told you that these outings make me anxious for my safety.” she offered that for his peace of mind, so that he wouldn’t go digging deeper.

Podrick turned to look at her intently; _he could understand that,_ “…do you wish to forget it all often, Ma’am?” He dared asked further.

Sansa exhaled, _“I’m not Lord Tyrion,”_ she said putting the matter to rest. _Lord Tyrion had a drinking problem, she didn’t._

Podrick stuttered for a few seconds knowing that that was true and realizing that if he kept on pushing her, he’d make her more than just uncomfortable. He would talk about this with Jacob... _if they survived_ , his mind added. Anyway, this wasn’t the time for it.

Silence enveloped them and after a while he put his forehead against the door trying to focus, trying to wait for longer, until he felt that it was sensible to step out of their hiding spot and after a long _long_ while, he opened the door again.

He saw that the sun was raising and that the torchlight had gone out, which meant that two or three hours had passed since everything begun. “I’m going to put on that man’s clothes and armor and I’ll go out to see what’s going on,” he let her know. “You stay here. It’ll be alright.”

_“No!”_ she exclaimed taking him by the arm to stop him, “It’s dangerous and I don’t want to be left alone.”

“...We can’t stay locked in here not knowing what’s happening.”

_“...We’re safe here.”_ she insisted.

“Until they regroup when they can’t find us. Until they start suspecting we might still be nearby and they send another group to check _. And that’s if they haven’t already!_ ”

_Her attackers had gotten time to regroup if they had indeed defeated the Queensguard and her soldiers, which seemed to be what had happened since they weren’t able to make it to this place to look for them._

Sansa sighed, “...leaving is a bad idea, _Podrick_.”

“Do you have a better idea? Other than staying?” he went to leave but she pulled on his arm with more force than he imagined her having.

“Staying is the best idea. _Listen to me!_ ” she felt herself losing the little patience and calm she had been pretending to have.

“I’m slowly bleeding out here, _Ma’am_.” he looked to the ground so that she’d see the blood on the carpet, “if we don’t risk it now, they’ll find us.” his cut wasn’t too deep and he could see that the blood had stopped flowing for the most part. “Let me help you as long as I can.”

_It’d be better if they were found together than apart_ , she thought selfishly. She looked at the floor perplexed, but she didn’t think it was that much blood, _no woman would thing that was too much blood, but what did she know?_ “If you leave this house, I’m coming with you. I’m not staying here alone.”

_Now, that was foolish._ They argued for a couple of minutes until they reached a sort of agreement. “ _You’ll wear the armor, then, I need to protect you._ ”

_“Exactly! You’ll need it more than I!”_

_This woman was impossible!_ He thought as he lost his patience, _and he had a lot of it,_ _“Would you stop second guessing my decisions? I know more than you about these things!”_ he stepped out of their hiding place pulling away his arm harshly. “ _Stay here, I’ll go see if there’s something in this house that we can use_.”

_“Podrick-”_

_“Trust me, Ma’am.”_ he pleaded before shutting the door again.

She stayed in the dark, feeling helpless and afraid. She heard him moving on the first floor and then more dust fell over her as he stepped on the second floor. In her anguished mind she thought about the worst case scenario until she realized he was taking too long. When she heard him coming down, she saw that he was carrying two heavy blankets, _that’s what took so long?_ She thought sardonically.

Podrick couldn't help but notice her, seeing her robe hugging her curves in the remaining wet spots. “We can’t go in the direction of the Lord from last night, we have to assume that all roads are surrounded.” he commented as he passed by her and towards the dead body. He asked her to help him rid the man of the armor and clothes. He passed those to her. “Change into them, quickly.”

There was no time to consider the man’s naked state, her own indecent state of dress and the fact that Podrick practically saw her naked to then press her against a wall with his body. She went to a corner of the room where he couldn’t see her and she changed in haste.

The man’s shirt was covered in blood and she was grossed out as she put it on, then she put on the trousers quickly and the boots, but when she got to the chain mail she was surprised at how heavy it was and how hard it was to get it on; by the time she finished she was tired and sweating as it covered her torso and arms.

When she came back walking with a heavy gait, Podrick helped her to adjust the chain mail by turning it a bit and sticking in her hair. In turn, she helped him wrap his wound with the cleanest part of her robe, which they tore to do just that, their own clothes were the cleanest things in that house even as muddy and wet as they were.   
  
Sansa’s chain mail was followed by a heavy leather coat that closed at her waist, from where a skirt made of metal plaques hanged to protect her legs. A single metallic plaque covered her entire torso along with metallic shoulder pads.

Podrick didn’t say it as not to frighten her more, but the chain mail would be doing the bulk of the protection seeing that the armor seemed to have been carelessly forged with cheap metals. If the dead soldier had been a bit shorter or burlier the suit of armor wouldn’t have fit her at all. Not that it fit perfectly, _but beggars couldn’t be choosers._

She put on the gauntlets and the helmet as he fixed some details in her disguise but as he looked at her he came to the conclusion that her utterly feminine features gave her away, along with her clumsy movements hindered by the weight along with the way her hips moved as she walked.

They took what was left of the robe and two old thick and ratty blankets.

He was shocked to see her walking fast and more assuredly after leaving the house, though she still took him strongly by the arm for reassurance. It could work; _they’d think he was a prisoner if they were spotted from afar._

The sword on his hand would betray the truth and he wondered if he should hand it to her to complete the disguise but that would be a mistake if it came to using it.

“Podrick?”  
  
_“Yes?”_ he asked as he studied their surroundings amidst the thick fog.

“...I won’t let them capture me alive...” he looked at her, “a merciful death isn’t the first thing they give a woman.”

He looked to the horizon in front of him without replying. A few seconds later he noticed he didn’t have his knife on him, _she had it. When had she taken it? And where did she put it? “Promise me you won’t rush into anything, Ma’am.”_

“I won’t.........but you know my history...” he nodded immediately. She felt him taking her gauntlet clad hand and squeeze it a few times to let it go again.

“...You’re not one to give up, Ma’am......So don’t.” he didn’t add that maybe the worst was over to avoid jinxing them. Also, it wasn’t the time for chats but to be alert, _they had to rush_ , “I came from there,” he pointed left, “You?” she pointed ahead.

“I don’t know where I was coming from; I fell on the side of a hill.”

Podrick looked around and he walked to the thicker part of the woods, “we’ll be harder to find in there than on main roads and in plain sight.”

Over an hour later, as they walked along the trees they heard a horse’s whinny. They quickly hid and then they saw it appear smeared with blood and a saddle, and a dead rider on its back. The full armor made them realize it was one of Winterfell’s men _._

They looked in both directions for a few moments, expecting a trap and after a few minutes Podrick stepped out and slowly approached the brown horse. It seemed to recognize him because it suddenly started walking toward him at a slow steady pace.

Sansa took the reins and pet the horse as she looked in every direction while Podrick dismounted the soldier, whom they both recognized when he opened the helmet. He took the armor off in minutes and organized it on the ground.

Then, Podrick looked into the saddlebags, reaching inside until he found what he was looking for, a little pouch with a needle and thread.

Sansa observed him settling on a rock as she kept watch over their surroundings; he unwrapped the tourniquet and she felt like rushing him but she knew it wasn’t fair. As soon as he took the needle and tried to thread it she realized he’d never had done something like it. Then, when she saw him shaking before piercing his skin, she decided to act. She quickly took off the gauntlets.

She knelt before him in a rush he was about to ask what she was doing but she took the needle in a single move.

“I can do it.” She said with determination. _She’d never done it before_ , but it couldn’t be too different from fabric.

Podrick stuttered for a couple of moments until he remember Brienne saying she was an amazing seamstress, “Do it then.” he wasn’t about to fight her on this.

_Obviously,_ it wasn’t as easy as stitching on fabric but once he stretched his arm and squeezed the skin together for her to thread the needle between, she got the hang of it in seconds. She even corrected him when she saw him squeezing too much skin in, though she noticed it upset him since he was in pain and he wanted her to finish as soon as possible.

They were both silently in awe. When she reached the end, she tied it and cut the thread at both ends and they both realized they were drenched in sweat.

_Now, he hoped they’d come across a Maester before an infection could take hold,_ Podrick thought as he stood and helped her stand as well.

  
They worked together to tie a tourniquet to prevent more bleeding. While they did, Podrick spoke, “I’d advice to wear this man’s armor instead of the one you’re wearing but for now I think it is better that you stay with the one you have on. If we come across enemies, they won’t attack someone who seems to be their own from afar.”

“And If you use his, they’ll attack you.” she stated the obvious.

Podrick knew that, as much as he knew that if they came across Winterfell soldiers they wouldn’t attack her right away because they’d think her his hostage. “Your life is worth more than mine, Ma’am. It’s why we’re all here.” he realized she was about to say something but thought better of it because she avoided his gaze. Podrick set to work right away, putting the armor on and guiding her to help him.

They got on the horse with her in the front and him behind, at least for now, wishing to get far from that place.

“My men said they would set a camp on the Northeast.” she said; her armor felt heavier and heavier and her thighs and hips hurt as the metal plaques pushed into her when the horse started galloping at full speed. 

“Twenty men, right?” she nodded. “The men who attacked the inn and who followed us doubled or tripled that number. If we’re in bad luck there are still forty-five or fifty men looking for us. I don’t know what direction to take but it won’t be north.”

“There was a village...I visited it years ago, to the southwest if I’m not mistaken. I have support there.” And not only from lords but from the people; _they’d be welcome, there._

“How far?”

“...A day and a half, two maybe.” she knew that was a lot.

He shook his head. _“That’s too far.”_

“Do you know of any place that’s nearer?” she asked sardonically and willing to order him if necessary.

Podrick sighed, giving up, “No matter where we go the only thing we can do is hope not to find enemies, Ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, thanks to fangfaceandrea for this translation.


	5. Chapter 5

The poor horse, though majestic and well fed, would normally have an easy time carrying two riders, but it was harder when they were both wearing armor. Still, Podrick continued pushing it until they reached a point where he said, _no more_ and he dismounted and made her dismount too sometime after noon.

From then on, they walked and let the animal stop to eat. They also kept hiding and staying still every time they heard noises, which was often since they were in a damn forest.

  
They needed food and water; the latter didn’t worry him so much because she knew the weather and had told him that in minutes it would start raining, so as she and the horse took a short break, he went to hunt for something.

They were in the woods so there should have been plenty of animals. _He found nothing._ By the time he came back to her, a light rain had started falling but they started walking again.

  
By early morning Podrick noticed she was upset and worried about having to stop to take another, longer break. They were sitting on a wet log, side by side, and each one taking cover from the freezing air under the blankets. There was no fire since the smoke could give away their position. He wanted to take off his armor but she wouldn’t think that prudent even if at the moment it only served to make noise as he shook from the cold that seemingly barely bothered her, since she surely was more used to it.

  
Sansa’s head came out from under the blanket and she immediately felt a chill running over her neck and her entire body, “Moving will help us get warm,” she said but instead of following her example, he made a noise in refusal and stayed wrapped in the blanket.

Sansa sighed impatiently and covered herself back whilst making an effort to keep track of time. After about an hour had gone by, she stood and marched to the horse, mounting it with more difficulty than usual. “Podrick, let’s go.” Judging by her tone, it wasn’t a request.

  
He wanted to complain but didn’t, knowing that her fear was stronger than her exhaustion; she didn’t even want to eat some berries they had come across saying she couldn’t stomach them, but at least she drank some water.

When he stood he saw that she was taking off the blanket and as he was about to ask what she was doing, she moved forward on the horse, wordlessly inviting him to ride with her. He had had no intention to do so, he had planned on walking beside the animal, which was why he wasn’t looking forward to start moving again. Not wanting to look at a gift horse in the mouth, he got on behind her.

She meant for him to wrap them both under the two blankets, which he did; she tensed when he pushed against her back and his arms circled her waist, though he was careful not to rest them on her thighs when he took the reins while her hands kept hold of the blankets. “Think nothing of this, Ma’am.” he said wanting to reassure her that she had nothing to worry with him.

  
_It was easier said than done_ , she thought feeling uncomfortable because during their ride in the morning she either hadn’t noticed his arms around her and close to her thighs with how frantic things had been or he was taking advantage now... though, deep down she knew he wasn’t, she was just being paranoid. At least their shared warmth felt nice, even though her face and legs were freezing. 

.  
.  
.  
The second day was almost the same as the previous one except they got luckier; in the morning, as they walked by some rocks, Podrick noticed a medicinal plant that Ser Davos once told him would help prevent infection so, when they sat to rest he macerated the plant with rocks to create a paste and he started taking off the metal plate on his arm, he was pleasantly surprised when he heard her asking impatiently if he needed help, which he accepted to speed things up. Soon they were able to see the wound. “It looks alright,” he heard himself saying in awe.

  
“Yes,” she replied, looking around instead than fixating on the wound, she just wanted him to put on the ointment quickly so they could start walking again. Suddenly she heard him groaning and she saw him stop.  
  
_Shit_ , Podrick thought as the burning began to slow down, “I didn’t know it would hurt,” he explained in a hiss.

  
Sansa studied his red face, “Should I?” though she wasn’t sure why she offered.  
  
He mumbled something in response so she took an abundant amount of the paste an unceremoniously spread it along the wound, making him recoil from the pain.

  
Sansa frowned, though the smell wasn’t bad, it was strong, she took some more of the ointments and put a generous amount on the wound. She studied him as he groaned and tensed up but neither commented on it, once she saw that his pain had passed, she helped him wrap-up the wound and get the metallic plaque back on.

  
Podrick realized she got upset when he said they wouldn’t be leaving yet and he set to look for some traps he had set to catch something and to his surprise he found that they had caught a few rabbits. They wouldn’t light a fire so the only one who benefited from the catch was the horse that ate two of the rabbits. _Protein was protein even if it wasn’t what it was used to eat._ The water they had collected in the previous morning was the first thing that was gone.

It was she who looked up to the sky worriedly in the early hours of the morning as they walked and predicted a rain that would freeze their bones if the temperature got any lower, which was the most likely outcome, and that’s why they sought refuge in a tiny, narrow cave. She was mindful of bugs but more worried about the rock over them crashing down on them.

“...It’s been like that for thousands of years. If it falls on us then we really were meant to die.” Podrick replied knowing his words were no help at all. 

_That did nothing to calm her nerves_ , Sansa thought. Said nerves weren’t eased either when he sat beside her, _too close for her liking. But she couldn’t order him to wait the rain outside and not rest while they could._ The armor, which they didn’t take off that night, did nothing to make her feel safe either. The only things they had taken off were the helmets.

_Sansa found herself sleepily walking into that cave despite her instincts telling her not to, yet there was something calling to her; a spot of light suddenly appeared far away but grew bigger as she approached and then the darkness vanished making her close her eyes to the sunny day. From the spot where she stood, she could hear and see the ocean in the distance and that the room she was in was filled with beautiful flowers._

_‘You didn’t think it would be so easy, did you, little dove?’_

_She immediately turned to the familiar voice of Cersei, her dress and long blond hair were blowing in the wind._ As beautiful as ever, _the sly smile gracing her lips was what gave away her intentions._

_Sansa felt herself walking backwards as she studied her surroundings. A cliff behind her suddenly stopped her from putting more distance between them. The waves beneath were crashing violently against the rocks only feet below her. Cersei smiled mockingly making her way elegantly across the room, towards a seat where she crossed her legs in a dignified manner while a goblet with wine materialized in her hands._

_‘It’s been a while since you welcomed me in your dreams... or should I say nightmares?’_

_Sansa looked around her again.._.

_‘You’re not a killer, little dove... at least not with your own hands. You still have your moral code.’ She gave her a merciless smile, ‘and unlike me, the punishment you’ll serve those who betrayed you will weight on your conscience... at least for a while, even if it is a just and necessary punishment. Those men have families and–_ ’

‘ _–and why didn’t they think before acting?’_

_She smiled as she raised her cup, ‘in the end you are not so different than me... truth is you’ll do what you have to for your safety. You may think what you want to make yourself feel better, little dove, to lie to yourself._ _To convince yourself that your actions won’t weight on you but we both know they will.’_

Sansa startled awake and took on her surroundings, her heart was beating too fast in the darkness, she tried to shake off that overwhelming dream and presence _but she wasn’t fully able to do it._

She tried to focus on what was making her uncomfortable, the rocks that were digging in her back, Podrick’s presence beside her... But nightmares had a way to haunt and unsettle people. _And she didn’t want to think about her conscience talking to her through Cersei._

She spent several minutes trying to calm down but it was seemingly impossible and though she knew that the next day the nightmare would seem ridiculous, at the moment it felt _too real._ She looked at Podrick made out his shape in the darkness, he was deep asleep lying on the floor, then she leaned over to look at the entrance of the cave to realize that it was still raining.

When Podrick woke up he was surprised to find her lying down, her knife between them, _maybe as a warning._ There was enough space between them, enough for her not need to completely stretch her arm to grab his... and that’s how they were lying. That was something that caught his attention but he concluded that that was her making sure that he wouldn’t leave her alone for even a few minutes.

The situation was improper for her but he couldn’t help but fleetingly think that technically he was lying next to _a Queen_.

It was probably more improper to ride the horse the way they had been and he was grateful for the metallic armor between them because more than once he had felt himself reacting to her nearness, to her musky smell —though the smell of blood and sweat wasn’t appealing, he could make our the smell of her underneath and _he liked it_ —, to the way she turned her head to have a word with him, to the stray hairs that wouldn't stay inside her helmet...

And, thinking of the animal, he carefully detached himself from her and stood to look outside where he saw the horse on the ground asleep in the middle of the slowing-down rain... _at least he hoped it was sleeping._ He would have brought it inside the cave but there was barely any space for the two of them.

Eventually hunger made him give up and he lit a fire; she was so tired she didn’t even stir. The heat soon warmed the space and he put the skinned rabbits they had with them on the fire. He left her alone to go feed the horse with the raw meat. When he came back he devoured an entire rabbit, he let her sleep for a little longer and when she woke up she ate half of one _without much enthusiasm_. “Aren’t you hungry?” he asked. _And it wasn’t like a rabbit had a lot of meat..._

Sansa shook her head, “it’s the anxiety.” she admitted. “How long has it been?”

“About four hours.” _Not enough time for a good rest._

“...If anything, I’m surprised I was able to sleep with you lighting a fire”

  
_One she would have refused to let him light had she noticed_ , “...exhaustion, Ma’am”

“Yes, but you know you shouldn’t have lit the fire.”

_“…Mmm…”_

_._

_._

_._

“Are you sure it was Southwest?” he asked annoyed. They had been on the run for three days, _yes_ , but slowly and on back roads. They hadn’t stopped to rest for more than a few hours each night, _it was time they found that town._

“Are you sure we’re walking the right way?” She was sure she was as annoyed as he was.

Podrick suspected their mutual annoyance was due to hunger and the little sleep that they had had during those days. “How many rabbits do we have left?”

_He only thought about eating_ , “Four.”

Podrick looked around, “We have to let the horse rest. If you see any place that would do to stay for the night, let me know.”

She stopped, “ _for_ _the night?_ ” _she didn’t like hearing that._

“I’m tired ma’am, so are you and the horse even more. If we’re attacked, I won’t be at my best to protect you.” he decided to go with what would appeal the most to her.

Every time he talked about stopping to rest, Sansa hated the idea but she didn’t think it was prudent to fight him on it because she saw that it was the sensible thing to do.

He studied her and he took the firsts steps to get away from her and the horse to leave it at that, _it wasn’t up for discussion,_ “We’ll take two shifts, you sleep for four hours while I keep watch and vice versa.”

A stunned Sansa followed Podrick after a few seconds pulling at the horse’s reins; _she couldn’t believe his audacity, going over her decisions._

She didn’t want him turning against her so she agreed, sourly and wondered if Brienne would do the same in a similar situation _and she knew she would_... but Podrick was Podrick and he didn’t have the same skills as Brienne.

She noticed what seemed like several caves far away but she refrained from mentioning them; however, she eventually saw Podrick going towards them.

In the previous days, their rest had been hindered by worry and the cold. For now, on their third stop, she silently wished the cave wouldn't be fit for them to stay in; the last few they’d checked had been flooded. She stayed outside watching the horse while he went in to explore. When he came out he tiredly shook his head.

They kept walking for some hours when, in the distance, a shape could be seen in the fog, the closer they got the more it looked like a tower, one in bad shape but still standing. Podrick approached it while she stayed at a prudent distance. And what he found was _perfect_ but he expected her to refuse.

“I went up and you can see a village in the distance. We’re on a mountain; I think it’ll take three or four hours to get there on foot.”

The sun would set in less than a couple of hours. _And, which village?_ Suddenly, waiting until morning seemed to be the best choice.

When they reached the tower, she said nothing as she walked in. She took in their surroundings; it was big enough for the horse to come in, there was an abandoned cart still loaded with old hay and the horse immediately went for it.

There were torches hanging by the landing of the spiraling staircase. She went up slowly and silently while leaning on the wall. When she reached the top she looked out but the fog didn’t let her see more than a few houses and smoke coming out of the chimneys of some of them. Even further beyond among the trees, the stone walls of some castle could be seen.

When she went back down, he was bringing wood to make a fire. He asked for help and they had to make three trips since his injury was stopping him from carrying too much weight on his own. Once they finished, he put a heavy log to block the door from the inside and to _increase_ their safety, he tried to move the cart too. She helped him though it was hard and she ended up sweating and tired.

Once the door was blocked Sansa turned to the horse, which was lying in a corner exhausted. “Do you really think it’s prudent that we stay here?” she asked as she tried to look outside.

Podrick sighed tiredly, his head throbbing, “This is the safest place we’ve been in, it’ll be dark soon and if that cloud unleashes all that water it seems to be holding, we’ll be here until dawn. _Yes, I think it’s prudent.”_

_He was right in that a storm seemingly worse than the one from the previous morning was coming._ She nodded, once again deciding to hide her fears and doubts. She was about to ask him something when she saw him walking purposely towards her and stopping when he was facing her.

“...I’ll help you take off the armor...” he explained as she recoiled defensively... _guarding herself against him._ For a few seconds he was taken aback by her reaction as he caught on to his words and he blushed as he kept his eyes on her, _“... If you let me…”_ he added in a softer tone, _the last thing he wanted was for her to misinterpret his intentions._

After a few seconds he bowed from the neck averting her gaze and in an obliging manner, “...I swear, Ma’am, that you have nothing to fear from me. You may rest easy.” he wasn’t one of her abusers... _of her many abusers_ , but he was reminded of the scars on her arms, the unspoken consequences he suspected she suffered... He was also struck by the thought that he wasn’t one of her handmaids, _helping her get comfortable definitely wasn’t his job_.

Sansa knew Podrick was a good man, which was one of the reasons Bran had sent him. Embarrassed, she tried to brush the moment aside as she decided to focus on the armor that she hadn’t taken off in three days. _It was awfully heavy_ , it hindered her movements and it hurt where it dug in various parts of her body; she was certain there were several bruises and blisters in places she hadn’t thought possible to get them.

He wouldn’t look at her, his gaze remained fixed on the ground waiting for orders and for some reason that upset and made her feel guilty, Podrick wasn’t her servant, not after all the help he had always given her... “Help me, then.” she mumbled and she let him guide her through as he unclasped the armor plates on her arm without looking at her.

She studied his fingers moving deftly and she stole a glance at his face as he was focused on his task. She helped him along when she could and when she couldn’t she just felt relieved as the weight was lifted from her. “...I really don’t know how you do it.” she almost whispered, intending to let go what had happened as she felt, first hand, the discomfort to which soldiers, warriors or knights usually went through.

Podrick was nervous and embarrassed but he dared a look to her eyes and he nodded, “it makes you appreciate our work more?” he asked knowing he was offering words back just to save face. And he was embarrassed _twice over_ , first by what had happened before and now, despite himself, for the temptation that started uncoiling in him as he slowly uncovered her body... the uniform was dirty and bloodied, a little too big and unflattering for her but the insinuation of what he was doing felt tantalizing. _He shouldn’t be thinking these things out of respect for her._ When he took the heavy coat, he threw a subtle glance at her face only to find her blushing too...

Sansa was trying to fully pay attention to their conversation, “No. Swearing off your live for another’s... fighting for them and their conviction is what makes me appreciate you all.” She found him looking at her in the eye as she was blushing and felt short of breath. They averted each other’s eyes after a moment and she stepped back to take off the chain mail on her own, which turned out harder than she thought because of how heavy it was; all her muscles ached and she was thankful that the bloodied shirt was untucked at the back and not the front.

She let the mail chain drop unceremoniously along with the armor at her feet. While she was taking off the chain mail she saw Podrick stepping a few steps behind to start putting his armor on a heap apart from hers.

She surprised him when she reached to help him take it off. _He mentally groaned_ and he was unable to halt his movement when her no so deft fingers grazed his shoulders and arms. But he knew she was trying to be helpful to him, “I can take if from here,” he said when they finished taking off the back and torso plaques.

The last thing he needed was an accidental and inappropriate touch on his lower abdomen or thighs lest he would embarrass himself in front of her, _and spook her to top it off._ _He hadn’t had any intimacy in years,_ and he knew it wouldn’t take much to light the fire inside him.

She nodded, grateful and blushing, _she had wanted to be of help but she was quite aware that that was too much._ Going along with the theme of being helpful, she went on to take the rabbits out the bags and to arrange the wood for him to light a fire once he finished.

From the corner of his eye, Podrick saw her moving oddly but he didn’t ask because he knew she was hurting from the chain mail and armor.

Once the fire was lit, they cooked the skinned rabbits on it. He realized his oversight in not having looked for a water source nearby before blocking the door. That meant they had to wait for rain to fall.

A couple of times he saw her sitting on one of the steps rolling her shoulders and head and massaging her shins. “The first time I cooked a rabbit I didn’t skin it...” he spoke to break the silence, “it caught fire and let’s just say Ser Brienne was not pleased...” she lifted her eyes and offered him a fake smile so he decided it was better not to go on.

They ate silently and warily, barely containing their tiredness. Sansa felt more tired than hungry and after eating half a rabbit, feeding another to the horse and taking a few sips of water and leaving some for Podrick, she took the blankets.

“You should finish the rabbit, you’ve barely eaten in the past days and you’ll need the strength.”

Sansa stopped for a few seconds, “... Later.” Honestly, she wasn't feeling at ease at all and she didn’t think her stomach could keep the food in.

Podrick studied her for a bit and decided against insisting. When he saw that she was about to makeshift a bed with one of the blankets he stopped her and set to lay down some of the hay from the cart to make it a more comfortable place to sleep. It wasn’t like Sansa to be accommodating or obliging but she knew that she owed it to him so she proceeded to make two lumps out of the blankets, one for her and one for him, this time separated by a more proper distance.

She thought it ridiculous that she couldn't stop feeling unsettled by this arrangement and when he looked at her she sat, supporting her back on the smooth and cold stone wall. Podrick did the same.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, I know all this is improper but beggars can’t be choosers.” In fact, if he didn’t need to rest so much he could go upstairs or sit on the stairs, or better yet, lay down on the cart _but he was too exhausted_.

“Do you hear me saying anything, Ser Podrick?” she gestured to him when she saw him about to stand up, certainly to pick up his blanket and go somewhere else.

He stopped hesitantly, “... No, Ma’am, but I also know my place even if it seems as though I’ve forgotten it because of our pressing circumstances.”

“...You saved my life, Ser Podrick. I think the least I can do is to ignore the lack of propriety of the situation.” She realized he was looking for something to say, “You being uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable _and aren’t you too tired to be thinking about these trivialities?_ ”

He sighed then, “You have no idea, Ma’am.”

_Oh, but she did._ Sansa decided to lie down with the knife he had given her nearby in case she’d need it. She shut her eyes for a second and _she forgot about the world._

Podrick was still thinking about something else to say when it became evident that she had fallen asleep. _And she was the one who didn’t want to stop to res_ t, he thought ironically.

He looked at her slow and openly for a moment since he had the chance and because what they said was true —and it wasn’t because she was _The Queen;_ she really was the most beautiful woman in Westeros. Her blue eyes were striking and her mouth... why was he just realizing at this moment how appealing her full lips were? _Lies,_ he had always seen the appeal... her copper hair, her white and seemingly soft skin, her imposing figure...

_Now she’s as beautiful as she can be deadly_ ; Brienne had reminded him before he left, though he wasn’t sure if she had been warning him.

From what he’d seen, the North respected her, but outside there where whispered and talk about her being less than the honorable woman she showed the world; it was said that she was ruthless when it was called for.

However, when they talked about her ruthlessness they mostly referred to her murdering King Joffrey, Lord Ramsay and Lord Baelish, to her being one of the only people who stepped up to Daenerys Targaryan thus making them enemies, and to her taking her brother’s crown.

Podrick knew that _not all_ of that was the truth and that it actually made her more popular. He himself had been privy to her council meetings and he had witnessed her moving pieces in her favor with the various lords, scheming; he could see that _there was much more_ to her than being ruthless. _She had learned a thing or two from Littlefinger;_ that last phrase had been uttered by Brienne with some disappointment.

Podrick meant to keep watch at first while she slept but little by little, he felt himself nodding off as his eyelids closed heavily. He battled with himself for a few minutes, finally deciding to lie down but to remain awake. He tuned to her and took a good look... The distant Queen, the friendly Queen, the intimidating Queen... the _pretentious_ Queen? _The Queen..._

He was awaken by bolt of lightning outside that startled him. He tried to move but his entire body complained. He looked to the still sleeping horse and then at her. She was also deeply asleep, so deeply that all worries seemed to have eased from her face. She looked peaceful, _as he had never seen her before._

After some more minutes of rest, he left his blanket behind and he took the leather flagon where they stored the water and other cracked clay jars that they found at the tower and he placed them along the stairs to collect the water that was leaking from the roof. Then, he climbed to the top of the tower to take a look around and to let the flagon be filled in minutes to promptly go back to _bed._

Sansa didn’t know for how long she had slept, she only knew that it had been long because the fire was reduced to ashes. She tried to move but every one of her aching muscles protested so she stayed still for a few minutes making an effort to start moving her extremities, one by one.

When she stood and took a few steps to feed the fire and stop it from dying she felt like she assumed an old lady would. _Everything hurt._ The warmth in the place probably came from their body heat, including the horse’s.

Another stroke of lighting caught her attention and had her looking at a window way up above and from what she was able to make out, the storm would keep them in this place, seeking refuge until it stopped, _and it would take quite a while before it stopped._

She went back to her blanket to sleep again and after some minutes of failing her gaze searched for Podrick and she found him deeply asleep.

His hair had fallen on his face covering half of it and she hadn’t really noticed before that his beard had grown. She hadn’t noticed the bags under his eyes nor his tired face either. She fleetingly though that now he really looked like a northerner, _at least in how scruffy he looked._

_._

_._

_._

Podrick was sitting by the last remaining rabbit; he had just devoured half of it when he felt something behind him and he then found her sitting unceremoniously on the floor.

He had left an entire rabbit the day before for her in addition to the half from that day. They were both facing the wall with the window as they ate in silence, but he looked at her as she separated the meat from the bone with her hands as she ate slowly. The sun had risen already but it was still raining cats and dogs.

“Hungry?”

Sansa nodded, _she was really feeling the hunger now,_ “...I’m still so tired.” she whined suspecting that her comment wouldn’t be welcome by a warrior like him but instead he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and nodded.

“I don’t have the energy for anything, Ma’am.” he stated. He had thought that maybe it was because of his wound but he had cheeked it and there wasn’t any sign of infection.

Maybe the needle and thread had remained uninfected from the start even with their soiled fingers but he would bet on the medicinal plants he had put on the wounds earlier in the week and that he had applied again today after carefully cleaning it. _At least that was working for now._

“On the bright side we won’t be able to leave until the storm passes. On the other side,” he gestured to the rabbit, “That’s the only food we have left.”

Sansa ate slowly and unlike before, she didn’t stop until she finished the entire thing. Once again she took in her surroundings, the ground was dry and the size of the place was neither too big nor too small, which had helped to keep the place warm.

Her own state, however, was... _unacceptable._ She was sweaty and dirty from head to toe and wearing a bloodied uniform made out of the most uncomfortable rough fabric. “...When we first came in I was worried about bats, spiders and other critters that could come about... but I fell asleep as soon as I closed my eyes.” she knew her words were bratty but they were true.

He yawned, “I tried to keep watch and I don’t even know when I fell asleep.” he looked intently at her, her beauty was natural because even with disheveled hair, dirt on her face and bags under her eyes her beauty remained. “I’ve never eaten bat... there’s always a first time for everything.”

She scrunched her face in a way that had them sharing their first real smiles in days.

After a short moment she stood and went to get the jars with water, she took two and climbed to the top, he figured she was going to clean up as best as she could just as he had done, though what he had done was to take off his clothes and let the rain wash him down.

The horse whined, probably wanting to be let out but it was better not to. Podrick gave it water and he kept busy for a while until she returned as cleaned as she could get, to then return the jars under the leak to collect more water and then she walked back to her blanket.

He remained uncomfortable for a while under the pretense of being busy with the horse but he eventually realized he couldn’t stay doing that until the storm stopped. So he went to keep her company, also lying down. They didn’t sleep but the idea was to rest and take advantage of their current situation.

“...We’ve gotten pretty far, right?” she decided to ask eventually to distract from the pain in her neck that had become unbearable some minutes ago.

“...Yes. But it’s best not to lower our guard until we’re completely safe.” if they had used hounds to follow them, their scent would have been a dead end probably since they decided to wear the dead soldier’s clothes. And their prints... _well, good luck to them with all the heavy rain that had been falling._

  
Sansa nodded, _feeling calmer from his reassurance._ Not being caught the first night had given her a certain sense of security but she hadn’t wanted to rely on it. _It wouldn’t be the first time she had been wrong about something like this._

A long silence fell upon them.

“...I’m sorry Ser Podrick, for getting you involved in all this.”

He decided to be honest and let out the insolence that first crossed his mind, “With all due respect, Ma’am if anyone had to apologize it’d be your brother.”

He waited for her reaction but she let nothing to show it had bothered her so he decided to reveal something he hadn’t said before, “...Truthfully, in Kings Landing I was wishing for some action, so I wasn’t opposed to being sent to the North, but right now I’m thinking these past few days have brought me more adventure than I was asking for.”

_It sure had,_ “I wonder what my brother saw in his dream.” He certainly wasn’t wrong about _the green door_.”

_The damned green door,_ “didn’t you write asking him that, Ma’am?”

She wasn’t comfortable lying there in his presence but she did nothing about it, _since her exhaustion mattered more,_ “Of course I did, but I guess you know him; his answer was vague, he said he couldn’t say much and that he couldn’t play with fate.”

“ _...Something tells me he knew what would happen_.”

She couldn’t overlook his accusing tone, “I don’t think so. I think his dream was more like a premonition. _I don’t know_.” _Or at least she wanted to believe that._

“If he can see the future as he can see the past, he could have prevented this and... who knows what else.”

“...He only sees parts of the past, not _all of it_. He only knows where to look when the occasion calls for it.” She found herself defending Bran although she also doubted of the true scope of the _Three Eyed Raven’s_ powers. “...We’re not safe yet.” was the next thing she said as she focused on her immediate worries, trying not to wonder about the soldiers, guards, advisors, Maesters, maids, ladies in waiting or even the staff at the inn who had lost their lives.

Podrick noticed her eyes darkening and something told him why, “If it’s any consolation, Lord Harry managed to escape the inn just after you did.” There was something that had been bothering Podrick and it was the number of men defending her, there were only one of two dozen men with her even though the entire retinue consisted of over sixty soldiers in addition to her guard. _He didn’t want to mention it as not to worry her further_.

“I don’t want to think about it until we are safe.” Until she decided how to respond to this attack, which was how she had occupied her mind since they started fleeing; she’d rather think in the retaliation instead of her fear. That’s where the nightmare with Cersei had come from.

“Since there’s a village ahead, I’m thinking about leaving you in a safe spot as I go and find out where we are and what they’re saying about the attack.” Of course, she didn’t like hearing that but she nodded to then let out a low groan.

She put her hand on her neck as she sat, “I’m definitely not made for a soldier’s life” she said while rolling her shoulders and head. She massaged her neck firmly but it didn’t seem to ease her pain.

As he saw her sit up he did the same, “You’re hurting because of the uniform you were wearing, Ma’am. You’re not used to the armor and you had it on for three days; that makes the muscles sore.”

_She suspected that already,_ “Who do you think those men were? Their armor bore no sigil or protection against the cold.” _if she had withstood it, it was because she was used to those low temperatures and because of the blankets that Podrick got for them._

“...It’s no use wondering, Ma’am,” he admitted, “We better hope that your men fared better than us and that they captured at least one of your enemies alive and made him talk.” But he doubted it because they hadn’t been found yet by either her army or bannermen. _Podrick had all his hopes set on that village_. “Maybe we made a mistake by getting so far away…” he let her know.

“It was the right thing. I’m still alive and unharmed, thanks to you.” _She certainly doubted she could have escaped alone_ , “How’s your arm?”

“Good. But I’ll worry until a Maester looks at it.” She nodded in agreement as she continued massaging her neck. Podrick blushed even before speaking, “I know it’s improper of me, Ma’am, but I could help you with that,” he said pointing to her neck. “It’s part of a squire’s bag of tricks, anyway...” _Not that he was a squire anymore._

“Did Brienne let you give her massages?” she asked in a disbelieving and mocking tone, unable to fathom it.

“...No, she would have taken off my hands first.” he admitted as he tried to conceal a smile; resting had certainly helped improve their mood because he caught her smiling, just a little but smiling, nonetheless.

“And what makes you think I won’t?”

Podrick just laughed out loud. And Sansa found herself forgetting about the danger for the shortest of times. They held their stares as they grew serious again.

“...You see? Some food and some rest can do wonders.” he said without taking his eyes off her.

She wasn’t so sure, _yet here she was_ , finding some peace amidst the danger, “You are right, Ser Podrick, it would be improper.” _It hurt so much, though._

Podrick nodded, still feeling uneasy at having offered and less so at her refusal.

After several minutes of silence Sansa decided to break it, “…You are a good man, Ser Podrick.”

Her words had him reacting with a deep breath, wide eyes and his eyebrows rising. “You say that as though it’s a bad thing.” he murmured. _That had definitely not sounded grateful._

“...In my experience, good and honest people tend to die more easily.”

Podrick regarded her for a few seconds. It wasn’t the first time he heard something along those lines; Lord Tyrion, Ser Brienne, even Ser Davos and of course, Lord Bronn were surprised that he remained alive. “Don’t you worry about me, Ma’am”

_She didn’t, she just meant to warn him,_ “You just made new enemies by rescuing me, you should keep that in mind.”

_He did_ , he yawned once more, “Wouldn’t be the first time.” He smiled, _they had had Bolton’s army at their heels for weeks as they made their way to Castle Black_ , “Things didn’t go badly then, they might not go badly now.”

She shut her eyes, “I’d like to share your optimism.”

He didn’t know what to reply and as the silence stretched he figured she wanted to keep on resting. He took the flagon and went to refill it and when he turned back to her he found her in the same position, though still rubbing her neck. After a couple of minutes he decided to impart some wisdom, “Use your knuckles, works better than your fingertips.”

“I feel like my head weights a thousand pounds,” she explained, _“and I don’t mean to complain so much...”_

Podrick nodded and after a few moments, decided to climb to the top of the tower. He stayed there for a long time, watching their surroundings and the slowing storm. At first the lighting stopped, which was what he dreaded most before continuing on, because of their metallic armor. When it was evident that the worst had passed, he called her to make sure since, out of the two, she knew the North’s weather best.

A few minutes later they had descended to the base of the tower, he was leaning on the stairs and she was pacing while they pondered the pros and cons of exchanging armors just to reach the conclusion that it was better to wear what they had been wearing before.

He noticed she sighed as she looked to the chain mail, her hand still rubbing her neck, “...My armor is heavier, at least there’s that, Ma’am... how’s the pain?”

It was odd that the stiffness seemed to reach her jaw, now. She just envisioned that from now on their escape would be even more uncomfortable than it had been. “...it’ll pass.”

Podrick knew it was better not to offer his services again, _if she wanted them, she’d ask._

From the way he was looking at her Sansa knew he was waiting for her cue, she breathed out, “I appreciate the intention but I wouldn’t be comfortable, Ser Podrick,” she admitted. “Besides, I imagine the relief will be short-lived.” in addition to the impropriety of having him touching her, she figured that the minute he did, the image _of…_ strangling and terrorizing her would spring to her mind. She didn’t want to feel that anguish consuming her. _It was best to keep their distance._

“It’s alright, Ma’am.” he said as her eyes got lost, which made him realize something, “I wasn't offering a massage,” he clarified, “it’s just that there are spots on your neck... and when you know them, you just have to put pressure on them to ease the tension away, and it’s not a short-lived relief. It would take two seconds.”

Sansa stared at him; _it still involved him touching her, something she wasn’t comfortable with._ Another part of her argued that if it was _too much_ she’d make him stop, “...Fine.”

He noticed the hesitation in her voice but he walked toward her stopping at a prudent distance before fleetingly placing his hands on her shoulders for a second to reassure her, almost right away his hands wen to each side of her head and that’s when he took stock of his dirty fingernails against her white skin feeling self-conscious.

“A Dothraki taught us this technique.” he started talking to distract her and as soon as he caught her attention, in one swift and firm move, he twisted her head to the left, they both heard a pop and he released her immediately.

Since his initial touch, Sansa was trying not to tense up from the closeness or the feeling of his hands on her, she paid attention to his words and as soon as she heard the word _Dothraki,_ her mind went to what _he_ was doing in the company of a Dothraki just to hear a horrible pop and to feel a jolt of pain striking fast from her neck to her chest, her back, her jaw and her head; the pain lasted but an instant but it left a throbbing feeling that soon turned to relief. Sansa let out a whine from the shock of what had just happened, “ _What was that?!_ ” she heard herself asking in shock.

Podrick smiled, “I know, I’m sorry, _but it feels better, right?_ ”

Sansa nodded whilst making a circular motion with her shoulders, amazed at how much the pain had receded. _Not receded, no, it was gone._

“This man was one of the eighteen Dothraki who stayed in Westeros when the Unsullied left,” Podrick went on, “Obviously, the small council wasn’t about to let them roam free around the continent and this man became their representative.”

Sansa nodded again and was surprised when Podrick gestured to let her know he would touch her again.

“I just want to check something”, _he lied,_ “...Anyway, having him there worked because a coalition was formed with the remaining Dothraki men.”

He touched her again, placing his fingers on the right place and distracting her with more information, “he was a serious, responsible man,” and once again he twisted her head to the right and something snapped inside her again making her jump and yell. Podrick immediately took several steps back.

Sansa thought she was a fool by not seeing that coming but she couldn’t be too annoyed as she welcomed _the sheer relief._ She felt like the weight of the world had lifted from her shoulders; she felt light and she looked at Podrick marveling at the feeling. Podrick smiled at her. _“You have to teach that to my maesters,” s_ he said in awe, to immediately wonder if those who had come with her had survived the attack.

“I will,” he answered, though there was a caveat and he let her know, “but it’s a dangerous technique, too much force and you could break the neck.”

_That was food for thought... it was unlike him to do something like that knowing it could kill her, right?_ But she was left wondering as Podrick soon turned his back on her and went to the horse.

On her part, Sansa remained on the spot pensive, “I should have taken fighting lessons from Brienne when the children started to be trained. Sometime later, Arya also said I should know the basics of self-defense as not to always depend on others... I didn’t listen. I should have.” _Maybe that would have made her more confident these past few days._

“You can still get some, once you’re back at Winterfell.”

Sansa nodded setting that goal for herself, though she suspected that when, _and if,_ she made it back to Winterfell that goal would vanish. _Her priorities would be restored._

Podrick stood straighter and went back to where she stood, “You know a man’s weakest spot, right?” he asked and he noticed her blushing as she nodded, “Unless he’s wearing armor, that spot is vulnerable so go for it somehow.” Then, he opened his hand to show her his palm, “aim at the tip of his nose, in a swift and strong move that he doesn’t see coming,” she touched her thumb to her hand and he approached unthinkingly, “No, with this part,” he said pointing to the place when his hand met his wrist. “Remember, _swift and strong_ ,” he suddenly swallowed as he realized he’d close the distance between them without thinking, “Same idea but a bit harder, at the Adam’s apple.”

Sansa resisted the urge to say that would only be useful against a single attacker and not a group.

“Sticking your thumbs in their eyes or throwing dirt at them works...biting too.” she nodded as she listened intently until her eyes swept over him as if she was just realizing how close he got.

He went on, “...None of this is lethal but believe me, it’ll make your attacker recoil and you’ll have a window to escape or to look for a weapon, a knife or a rock...” he subtly put some space between them and he pointed to the knife he had given her, the one she always kept close, “I assume you can wield that, right?”

A memory came to her mind making her smile, “...Stick ‘em with the pointy end...”

Podrick raised his eyebrows at her curious comment and she smiled more openly at seeing his reaction, seemingly forgetting the danger they were in for a few moments.

Sansa shook her head, “... Something Arya said once. And no, I don’t know how to wield a knife.”

Podrick waited before continuing with the lesson, “First, hold it tightly.”

She copied his stance slightly spreading her legs for more stability.

He looked her in the eye, “you’ll be using all your strength, not only to thrust forward but to hold on to the handle. The thing they usually don't' tell you is that when the blood starts flowing your hand can slip and you end up cutting yourself. You won’t tell in the moment. But I’ve seen the hands of many soldiers shredded because of that.” she looked at his hands and he showed her his own scars and, unwittingly, his dirty nails, which made him self-conscious and ashamed again.

Sansa nodded waiting for more instructions but they never came. Instead, she saw him turning and busy himself with something else so she silently turned back to sit on her blanket. As she did she tried to keep her mind off the times when he came near enough for her to feel like he was invading her personal space. She told herself that she hadn’t been intimidated by it, he didn’t overwhelm her because he was just trying to teach her, help her, protect her _... and still..._ she was surprised to see him coming back to sit on his own blanket as they waited for the rain to stop completely.

“...I’m sorry about that meager self-defense class.” he couldn’t believe some hadn’t already given her lessons.

“It’s better than nothing.”

“No one’s going to hurt you, Ma’am, I promise that.”

“That’s the kind of promises that are impossible to keep... but I appreciate the gesture, nonetheless.”

They were silent until Sansa noticed that the sound of the rain was slowing down. She leaned to look out the window and what she saw outside was agreeable enough, “I think now is a good time to leave.”

Podrick stood and went to her to offer his hand to help her stand. She looked at him in surprise, “I haven’t been as attentive with you as you deserve, Ma’am.” During their escape, her being Queen hadn’t taken precedence because of the urgency of the situation. “I haven't exactly been acting like a gentleman.”

Sansa couldn’t say that was exactly true, as they walked, even if he was focused on something else he had _always_ offered his hand when they needed to go over shaky or muddy ground, or when she needed help going up or down hills. or whenever any other difficulty presented itself; even when they had been annoyed with each other.

She held on to his hands to stand up. As soon as they were at the same height, she found herself looking straight into his eyes and he was holding her stare in awe. Her heart beat sped up as the air between them changed, she saw him turning red as her own blush spread through her cheeks.

Neither moved to put distance between them as a sort of expectation grew between them. Podrick breathed in when her eyes traveled to his mouth and back to his eyes. Inevitably, his eyed strayed to her _perfect_ mouth. His heart was filled with a temptation that he was refusing to give into but that didn’t last long; all it took was a glance at her pretty blue eyes _to forget about_ _everything._

He felt himself leaning towards her but —in what he wouldn’t know to call a blessing or a curse in the next days— the horse neighed loudly, startling and bringing them back to reality.

A dumbfound Sansa felt Podrick squeezing her hands before letting her go as both their blushes grew even deeper. She wordlessly mumbled as she turned to the blankest and busied herself by picking them up and folding them in her confusion and mortification from what had transpired. _Ser Podrick Payne_ had been about to kiss her and she had felt herself leaning into him...

She knew very well what it felt to receive an unwanted kiss but she had wanted this one for her utter surprise and confusion. Uncertainty filled her right away, she was upset and restless by the feelings he awoke in her. _What did she think she was doing? She no longer wanted that kiss, but in that the moment she had._

Hundreds of images from the past couple of days immediately came to mind; _her_ , someone who would reject closeness, who feared any type of nearness had touched him on purpose, _she had touched him quite a lot_ , she had held his hands several times, his arms too, in attempts to find peace of mind from his presence, his conversation, _and now this..._

When he saw her turn to pick up the blankets he was left waiting for her to say something but there was nothing. He realized she was stalling as she slowly folded the blankets and took her time to remove the hay from them. He too put distance between them, feeling reassured in the fact that he hadn’t actually crossed a line, that he hadn’t misread her signals; he had seen it in her eyes, how she wanted that kiss, _and not just in her eyes_ but in the way she had leaned into him too.

Overwhelmed and in complete silence, he went through the motions of setting out to work, they both proceeded, _separately_ , to leave the place as they had found it; they killed the small fire, they packed their things and with the help of the horse they moved the cart away from the door.

And when it was time to put the their respective armor on, they helped each other, sticking to interacting as little as possible. They avoided the other’s eyes but whenever they had a chance they would study the other, noticing their blush and quite aware of their actions.

Podrick’s fingers weren’t as deft when he helped secure the armor as they had been before. Hers were trembling. All of her was trembling... Both felt the tension between them.

Once outside, they wordlessly decided to give the horse a break by walking and thus keeping a certain distance from each other. Podrick cleared his throat before speaking, “with this much rain, is could there be a landslide?” After all, they would have to go down several hills.

“Let’s not think about it until we have to.”

“Not thinking about it won’t make the way easier... I want to know what to expect.”

Sansa’s reaction to that was to look at him doubting he only meant the road ahead, “...I honestly don’t know.”

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far, this has been the longest chapter in this story but it was worth it because Sansa realized how good with his hands Podrick is. Even if she hasn’t processed it yet.
> 
> Also, the joke about the bat…was bay before Covid-19.
> 
> And, once again thanks to fangfaceandrea for the translation!


	6. Chapter 6

What Podrick was able to find out at the village was useful; the first thing is that it was called Goldgrass. The rest he found out from sitting in the tavern as he ate a big meal and listened, _since people didn’t stop talking._

The peasants were shocked and distraught about what had happened, about the Queen’s disappearance. Most people didn’t think her dead but in the run and so the people living near Torrhen’s Square, where the attack had taken place, were conducting searches through the woods, being vigilant and ready to help her in the case of a sighting.

He also heard that her bannermen were gathering and being sent in different directions to expand the search. And _it wasn’t just the North that was hanging by a thread;_ the Northern army wasn’t that big and since the territory was so vast, the first ones to join in the search for the Queen even from afar were the Knights of the Vale. Podrick remarked on the lack of news from King’s Landing but he wasn’t there to ask questions but to listen, since he didn’t want to let people know what he was; a suspicious foreigner, which at the moment could be dangerous.

After hearing that the Lord of the Castle ruling the village was one of her most steadfast followers, and that he had just sent his bannermen to the meeting point with her army it became evident that they should go to that castle.

He brought her food along with the news. He knew it was important to give her the food first but she just took it from him and set it down to eat it without enthusiasm as she demanded that he talk. Podrick shook his head telling her that he brought good news but he would only tell her once he saw at least half of the meal disappear. “It’s tasty. And you need to eat to keep your strength up. Barely two rabbits in four days is not nearly enough sustenance. No wonder you have a headache.”

“I can’t eat while I’m feeling this uncertain.” _Unlike him._

Podrick shook his head, “Try it.” he stood and spoke before she stopped him to put him in his place, “I’m getting the horse, I think it’s too exposed. Eat. I’ll be back.” He tried to take his time but he knew he couldn’t be lurking about for too long. He went back to her and saw that at least a quarter of the food was gone and he gestured for her to continue as he talked.

  
“House Stout of Goldgrass is a noble house sworn to House Dustin.” Sansa said once she had all the information that he had gathered.

He realized that worried her, _“So?_ ” he wondered.

“When House Bolton took Winterfell, House Dustin of Barrow Hall accepted them as their liege lords.”

Podrick nodded, “…as most Northern houses did.”

“...Yes, but most houses questioned it out loud. House Dustin was one of the firsts, _if not the first,_ to accept them _without qualms._ After, they swore fealty to Jon and then to me and they haven't broken their oath yet but... I can’t help but be wary.” _Wary was all she managed to be._

Podrick nodded in understanding, “What other options do we have?”

They had strayed quite a lot from the town she had original meant to visit and there was no way to go back. “The King’s Road, Moat Catlin, but it would take about a week to get there...” _or more and that would be with letting the horse rest._ “...I don’t think that even making haste we could intercept the Knights of the Vale.”

Podrick knew it would be quite the journey but once on the road they would leave behind the dense woods and they would practically be in the open, _which meant they’d be vulnerable to its more regular dangers._

“Are you sure they said nothing of my attackers?”

“Not a word, Ma’am. But I assume they were caught if your army is moving nearby and the people from around here have kept their ear to the ground,” he waited for a reply that didn’t come. “Has House Dustin given you any reason in the last years to mistrust them?” he insisted, _he didn’t want to make the effort to reach the King’s Road when receiving the help of the Lord of these lands was a possibility_.

_The only thing in her mind was that they had been the Bolton’s vassals._ Suddenly an anxiety took over, her appetite had vanished a while ago and an ache on the mouth of her stomach made her want to vomit. She pushed the food away and toward him.

Podrick didn’t’ appreciate the haughty move she made to push aside the leaves that contained the food, “...the best thing would be for me to go to Barrow Hall and try to find out more,” _though he didn’t think she’d like to be left alone_. “Think about it. At least we would save ourselves from repeating the mistake of getting too far away from a safe site.”

_“This place is not safe!”_ There were _personal_ reasons why the Lady of this land detested the Starks. And though she was aware of those reasons, Sansa, in her arrogance, had refused to apologize in her father’s name the second the woman swore fealty to her as her Queen. She had talked to the Lady, she had listened to her and her vassal’s problems, they had broken bread on her table but she hadn’t apologized, opting instead to ignore the issue.

Seeing her get lost in thought, Podrick gave her some space by taking food to the horse and staying with it and petting it as he studied her while she weighted her options. Some minutes later he heard a familiar sound and he was surprised to see her bending over and vomiting. He was lost as to how to proceed at first but then decided to approach her as she breathed heavily. _“Are you sick?”_ _and she hadn’t said anything?_

She shook her head while holding her stomach. She tried to control herself as she took the flagon from him and she stepped away from him frightened and angry, feeling her heart beating and her body shaking.

She walked towards the horse, cleaning her boots on the poodles of water on the ground; he followed closely and she tried to appear less affected than she actually was. _Truthfully she felt like she was drowning in panic._ “I don’t want to go to—”

“— _Fine_...The King’s Road, then,” he said in a confused haze at first but then he started to realize why she had such a visceral reaction; the Bolton’s, and maybe thinking that he would fight her on taking the King’s Road, that he would try to undermine her decision, _which he actually thought of doing._ “I could...steal a horse to make haste and get a dress with the money we have so you can go unnoticed.” after seeing her washing off he noticed the flagon in her hand, “I doubt we’ll be able to intercept the Knights of the Vale but we could try.”

She knew Podrick was trying to calm her down but at the moment she didn’t want to listen, she wanted silence, _and to feel a semblance of peace._

She went to mount the horse but her strength failed her, all she managed to do was grab on to the reins with her fist. She exhaled as she bent her neck, closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against the saddle. Among the myriad of thoughts going through her head she briefly wondered what he’d make of this, if he thought this was her overreacting; throwing a tantrum.

Podrick only stared at her with concern; _scared_ and unsure of what to do. Eventually, _he dared_ squeeze her hand, the one grabbing on to the reins, “It’ll be alright.” In that moment, she lifted her head and looked at him; he was shocked to find her looking ashen, sweaty and breathless, “…sit down.” He tried to pull her away but she refused.

It wasn’t the first time Sansa had succumbed to this sudden anxiety and she had learned to control it, _at time._ She closed her eyes and couldn’t help but let out a mocking huff when she heard him say she was scaring him. “I’m...fine.” she immediately tried to think of Winterfell awaiting her return, of Arya, Jon, Bran, her parents, Rickon.

“You’re not fine...” he said and maybe he was just a fool because it took him a long time to suspect what was really happening. Podrick had seen and heard about soldiers who had lived through impossible situations on the battle field and about how they sometimes reacted in unexpected ways from a second to the next.

Once, he had even witness Bronn punching a soldier out of his stupor, but he obviously wouldn’t try that with her. So he just squeezed her hand more strongly as if to encourage her, “You’re not alone, you hear? I am here and ... _hmmm_... this isn’t a nightmare.” Since _that_ was all he could compare this to, “We’re fine. We’ll do whatever you want.”

Sansa shut her eyes even more strongly as she focused on his words and suddenly, in a flash, she moved, with her free hand she grabbed him between his arm and forearm, where the armor wasn’t protecting him. His eyed widened in surprise, which caught her attention since she saw the worry in them, “I’ll be fine... just...” she let her words unfinished.

Podrick only held her gaze and didn’t move; he realized their physical connection was giving her some sort of assurance. “We’ve made it this far, we’re not giving up halfway...” he just said the first thing that came to mind and she nodded in agreement.

As they held their gaze he couldn’t help but notice how clear and vibrant the blue in her eyes was, shining in the daylight and not from a fire. He was annoyed to feel an attraction that he damn well knew was due to these pressing circumstances, and that was not in his place to be feeling. He tried to push that though aside, _it’s_ _not like it was the time for that sort of things_ , “Let me help you get on the horse, we’ll go around the village and we’ll take the King’s Road right away.”

Sansa nodded, _she wouldn’t find peace until they put miles between them and this place_. She knew that her fears were founded but that they were out of her control. “I’m sorry about this, Podrick.” she said as she did what he said and let him help her.

It wasn’t the first time she omitted the ‘ _Ser’_ but he decided to ignore it, “And I’m sorry for insisting, Ma’am.” he replied as he handed her one of the blankets to put over herself while he walked on the horse’s left side. He didn’t think that galloping at a speed would do her or her stomach any good.

Sansa had stopped praying long ago but she found herself bowing her neck under the blanket and begging to continue to go unnoticed, at least in this place.

They marched for a while, Podrick would occasionally look at her, but he only dared ask how she was doing when she came back from under the blanket, realizing that some color had returned to her face.

“...Better now.” she answered after swallowing, “You might think that I was overreacting, but you don’t know—”

“ _I do know, Ma’am._ ” He interrupted before she got defensive, “I’m not judging.” he said and he noticed she was embarrassed, which apparently made her desist from continuing, “...I’ve seen even worse reactions from soldiers who have been through hardships.” Of course, _that was generally frowned upon,_ but she was a woman and he supposed those perceptions didn’t apply to her, “Has it happened before?”

_“...A couple of times.”_ she admitted reluctantly, _and it was more than a couple._

Podrick realized she didn’t like talking about it but he decided to continue as he looked in another direction, “There’s medicine for that,” he murmured.

Sansa got quite defensive about it and she wanted to answer bitterly that the Maester who gave it to her was probably dead but she didn’t, “I know. My Maesters medicate me when it happens.” more than medicated her, they put her in a drugged haze, which she didn’t appreciate in the days that followed.

That surprised him.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about this.”

“You’ve nothing to worry.” he said though the thought crossed his mind of at least discussing it with Brienne when they met again, “... I’m sorry that you have to go through that.”

She was upset because he wouldn’t drop it so she sought his eyes and in them she saw that he meant it, _he was sorry_ , she frowned confused, “Yes, I’m sorry too.” Seeing that she made him feel bad with her acerbic response she went on, “I’m sorry Podrick, I just don’t like talking about it...” _she was hard to get along with and she knew it._ He nodded and something told her she should continue, “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me these past few days... and a few minutes ago.”

Podrick couldn’t help but feel that sometimes he got on her right side to jump to her wrong one in the blink of an eye, which was starting to bother him, “are you trying to placate me like you do with your subjects Ma’am?” _winning him over, manipulating him...because at the end of the day she couldn't afford to have him turn against her, she needed him at least until he got her to safety..._

His dry tone made her defensive again, _“That’s not what I’m doing,”_ was her affronted reply, _and that was on her for caring about his feelings_ , “but if you think that is wh—”

“—I don’t know what I think, honestly.” he admitted a few seconds after he realized his mistake. _It definitely wasn’t his place to argue with her_ , “I apologize for my tone... and my attitude just now. Sometimes I forget my place.”

_He was Ser Podrick Payne, a Kingsguard who had tried to kiss Sansa Stark, the Queen in the North._ They were both struck by the same thought. _And they both knew it wasn’t only him who had forgotten his place._

For the first time during those days, or even weeks, Sansa was reminded of his place too; he was an unlanded Kingsguard with no other titles, “...in any case, I am grateful,” she murmured, “don’t doubt that.”

Podrick tried not to feel placated by her words but he didn’t quite mange it. After some time he spoke again, unable to drop the subject, “...Is that when you drink? When you want to _forget it all?_ ” Those were her words _, not his,_ from the night of her attack when he asked her about her drinking.

Sansa sighed ashamed, _“What part of I don’t want to discuss it don’t you understand?”_

_That answered his question_ , “I just want to help, Ma’am.”

“You are helping right now by rescuing me. The rest doesn’t concern you.”

After a long time, when they were sure they had left that village behind, Podrick heard movements on his right and turned, but the horse was tall enough that he couldn’t see beyond it. Suddenly, it whined and stood on its hind legs; Podrick saw Sansa disappearing followed by a loud smack on the grass as then the horse was running away at a frightened gallop.

_“What did you bring us?”_ He heard.

Sansa only became aware of the situation when it was already too late; from the corner of her eye, she saw something moving but she wasn’t able to react before someone grabbed her strongly from the waist and pulled her off the horse, throwing her on the ground with all their force.

As her head bounced on the ground and inside the helmet, she saw her attacker’s feet, and as she tried to stand a blow to her back that made her cry out sent her down. Immediately after, another scream was heard and she saw the feet faltering backwards; with difficulty she set her eyes on the action and watched as Podrick came to blows with her attacker.

In his blind rage, Podrick felt that he was being held by his arms and was forcefully pulled back; he fought against the men, throwing kicks in all directions to try to break free. _Suddenly, a painful stab on his side_ made him stop. The air left his lungs and he was aware of a kick behind his knees that brought him to his knees as he saw her sitting up.

_“Traitor!”_

He heard the words being yelled but his gaze was on her who was looking at him and at his side _in horror_. Without thinking, Podrick wanted to touch it, to remove the dagger, but instead he stretched out his arms in surrender, _“Stop!!!_ ” he shouted and fleetingly noticed that whatever stabbed him had broken through the armor, the leather and his skin but that the wound wasn’t _so_ bad, which infused him with courage, again.

His shout earned him a few seconds, which he used to stand, “ _As a Guard of her Majesty, The Queen...I order you to stop!_ ” he could tell that his words were slowly having an effect in the minds of his opponents. He studied the soldiers, Dustin bannermen, as his hand went to his side only to find the dagger gone.

_You’re not our Queen’s Guard, you’re not even a Northerner!_ He felt a blow on the back of his calves that sent him to his hands and knees.

Sansa saw a soldier walking towards Podrick, a knife in hand and a determination on his step that made her understand what was about to happen, “ _No!_ ” she found herself standing, _having taken too much time before reacting, knowing that the second she did she would be making a mistake._

She didn’t know how but she threw herself at Podrick as she removed her helmet; even if the men didn’t recognize her, she was known to have long red hair, _The Queen was called The Red Wolf_ , so in the pause that followed, as Podrick knelt back up, she placed a protective hand on his shoulder as she used her other had to pull out the rest of her hair from the chain mail and armor in a single painful move.

The men’s mouths and stance dropped as they took her in.

Podrick looked around and at her hair waiving in the air in the moments that followed. Then, he stood with difficulty and with her help. “ _This is your Queen,_ ” he proclaimed through the pain, which somewhat lessened the effect of his shout. Still, it was evident that his words had been heard. The look of horror on their faces let him know that these soldiers were loyal to _the Crown._

Podrick noticed a group of six people, peasants, suddenly appearing from the trees and bushes, whispering and wondering about what they were seeing but couldn’t comprehend. _That was good._ But not too good since he realized the soldiers still hesitated. “ _Don’t you recognize your Queen?!_ ” he asked angrily as he grabbed the pommel of his sword and unsheathed it.

No one moved.

Everyone was staring at _Her Grace_ with awe and suspicion. But then, one of the soldiers fell to his knees and the others followed; those on horses dismounted them and the peasants bowed to her.

He was standing between her and the bannermen at this point and without taking his eyes off them he spoke over his shoulder, “Are you hurt?” he whispered even though it was a stupid question and she shook her head only to look at his side and ask the same of him, “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Podrick saw that the only person who wasn’t kneeling was the soldier who had pulled her off her horse and who had kicked her; the memory alone set him ablaze and in a few long strides he made his way over him to promptly kick and tear him apart. _They had made it all this way without a scratch on her; he had made a promise only to have this son of a bitch dare hurt her!_

Sansa was shocked to see that no one tried stop Podrick and she was about to take a step towards them but she stopped herself, “ _Podrick, that’s enough!_ ” she said loudly and saw him stopping after a couple more blows to finish destroying the mans’ face. He was sitting on the man and panting harshly and she was reminded of Jon. When he turned to look at her she saw him as she had never seen him before, red face, angry and with bloodshot eyes.

The men started to rise, one by one, and more people appeared as the whispering grew louder. “Bring your Lord.” Podrick ordered as he rose too after realizing she hadn’t because she mistrusted that Lord, _but there was nothing else for them to do now._ The peasants would be witness to whatever happened from then on.

Sansa gave Podrick a side glance and caught him looking at her worriedly as two men got on their horses and turned before promptly disappearing. “It’s a Lady, not a Lord. Lady Barbrey.” she corrected.

As some soldiers approached her, Podrick felt her grabbing him over the armor at his forearm, she was nervous but she wasn’t backing away from them so he instinctively stepped in, closing the distance between them, and the thought of stepping in front of her promptly left him as her rear would be exposed.

“...I am sorry, My Queen, we didn’t know it was you. You’re wearing the uniform that was described to us as belonging to your attackers, we thought you were one of them...” all of the soldiers nodded along, “When we saw you, we thought _your Guard_ was bringing you as a prisoner... that’s why we didn’t attack him at first, we wanted revenge for what they did to you and your retinue. And then _he_ attacked. _Forgive us, please.”_

A distrustful Sansa studied her surroundings as she accepted the apology absent mindedly, “Your name?” she asked the man who evidently was in charge of the squad.

His head remained down as he answered, “David Fields, _Your Grace_.”

“What do you know of my attackers, mister Fields.?”

“Most of them were captured. But the search continues.”

“Why did they attack me?”

“...We haven’t received those details.”

Podrick knew that the injury on his side wasn’t major, a graze at best, at worst a couple of stitches would fix it. _At least it hadn’t touched any internal organs because that’s what he feared at first; a lung._ The wound in his arm had reopened, though; he felt it stinging but thanks to the tourniquet there was no blood dripping from it yet.

Someone extended a flagon towards them along with an apple that seemingly appeared out of thin air. Out of courtesy, he was about to receive the flagon but she held him tighter, stopping him from reaching out.

Sansa didn’t feel like she should be giving out explanations for her mistrust to the men, “Send ravens immediate to the commander of my army, to Winterfell, King’s Landing and to the Knights of the Vale.” Though she doubted the ravens would catch up with the latter.

Podrick saw that as soon as she spoke, another two soldiers disappeared from view.

“I need two horses,” Sansa said pretending to find her footing, showing no sign of doubts or weaknesses. Without missing a beat she turned to Podrick, “Take me to Goldgrass.”

“Please accompany us to Barrow Hall, Ma’am,” asked Fields, “You’ll be safe and comfortable there, ma’am. We’ll be honored to host you.” he dared make the offer in his Lord’s stead.

“I’ll only feel safe and comfortable once I’m back at Winterfell.” she revealed something that was true as she realized they were bringing the same horse that they had been riding in their journey, and she chose it for herself while Podrick got one from the bannermen. “At the moment I don’t know who to trust, mister Fields. Even if you personally guarantee my safety.” as expected, he didn’t because it wasn’t his place to make those assurances.

She got on the horse and felt a jolt of pain going through her back and she waited for Podrick to get on as well, and she studied his movements to see how bad his injuries were. Once he was back at her side, she addressed the bannerman again, “I’ll wait for Lady Barbrey at Goldgrass so that she pledges herself to me once more.” She could feel Podrick’s eyes on her with each word as they started the ride. The soldiers that surrounded her made her nervous; _they could be there to protect or attack her._

“...Lady Barbrey is currently in Dorne, Your Grace.”

Hearing that settled her nerves, _but she didn’t want to show it_. “Who is in charge, then?”

“Her right hand, Lord Harwood Stout, but, if you will, at the moment we’re hosting Lord Wyman Manderly. We understand that he’s one of your most trusted allies. He’s been concerned over your disappearance, Ma’am.”

The peace of mind that the news brought was immediate, she felt relieved, even happy, but again, she didn’t intend to show them that. She looked to Podrick and she nodded subtly. _They could trust Lord Manderly._

Podrick understood very well why she wanted to stop at Goldgrass and not Barrow Hall. She wanted to be seen, to parade about the village because that would cement her safety; if anything were to happen to her, the people would know that she had been betrayed at Barrow Hall.

Seeing that Lord Manderly’s presence pleased the Queen, Fields continued, “Lord Manderly had accident a few weeks ago on a ride, but he wanted to depart for Torrhen Square as soon as he heard about the attack, _Your Grace_. The Maesters stopped him from leaving but he sent his banners to offer help to your army. He’s been getting information about what’s going on, he’ll inform you of everything.”

_She wouldn’t expect less from Lord Manderly,_ “I still want Lord Stout to guarantee my safety, as per his pledge to me...” she realized that her mistrust to his Lord was taken badly and he looked at her with some contempt, she was careful that her next words didn’t come out as cold, “…You can see why I have a reason to doubt, _can you, mister Fields?”_

He sat straighter, acknowledging his place and still in disbelief at being in the presence of _The Queen_ , talking to her, let alone being addressed by name, so he smiled empathetically, “Of course, Ma’am. I can only imagine the horrors you’ve been through in the past few days.”

She bowed her head, “Thank you for your understanding, that’s very kind of you.”

“That’s the least you deserve, Ma’am, after the atrocious mistake we made with you _.”_

From the side, she noticed Podrick paying full attention, making note of what she had just done. And Podrick couldn’t help but be amazed at her skills in turning people to her convenience. It bothered him too, it made him wonder if she had ever used _those tricks_ on him and he hadn’t realized it.

As they rode through the street, Podrick felt like the center of attention. The people seemed to be aware of what had transpired and of _who she was_ because he noticed some people bowing down their heads others kneeling, some indifferent and the children excited.

When they made it to the tavern where he had been earlier in the day, it was emptied in seconds; she was escorted to the best table and food of all kinds was placed before them without having ordered. The only thing she touched was a glass of water that she never even brought to her lips while she proceeded to tell him, in a hushed tone, why she mistrusted the lady of these lands.

Since the moment that the men had knelt, Podrick noticed that little by little her self assurance was coming back and now, as the people recognized her, she seemed to take ownership of herself.

He knew she was up to something when she asked him to switch seats and sit right beside her, which he did while blushing, and then she asked Fields and his men to join them at the table for the honor of dining with her, _it’d be a shame to waste all this food_ , she said and he knew she was doing this to win them over _and thus cement their loyalty to her over the loyalty they owed their lords_.

Neither touched their food and the men seemed to take notice, “I was at this very tavern gathering information not two hours ago.” Podrick explained to Fields, “I had something to eat and I brought back some food to _Her Grace._ ”

She wasn’t aware it was here where he got the food earlier, “Don’t worry, please help yourselves.” Sansa said gesturing to the plates.

As expected, the men proceeded to fill their bellies and more than once he caught her staring at the small dent on the side of his armor “I’m fine, Ma’am, don’t worry. Your workers make good armor.” _If he was in pain it was because he was still wearing it_ , the weight was putting pressure on the injured side. “I’m concerned about you and how that animal beat you.” She immediately threw a glance at the soldiers, as if worried that his words would turn them against her.

“...Please excuse my guard’s words.” she told them. “And worry not; your fellow soldier will not be further punished.” After a few moments her eyes searched for Podrick’s, “I’m fine, Ser Podrick, just a bit hurt. But fine.” she bowed her head and her eyes rose signaling for him to behave.

When they heard a carriage getting near, the soldiers stood and Podrick left his place beside her as well. ‘ _What is he doing here?_ ’ he heard one of the soldiers ask in a whisper and he peaked out to see a bearded, robust old man, Lord Manderly, accompanied by another old man and a young woman along with dozens of bannermen from both houses. ‘ _Did you really think he wasn’t going to come to see The Queen in person?’_ another soldier asked. Podrick saw the man barely managed to get out of the carriage to then slowly a _nd with difficulty_ make his way to her with the help of a cane.

He was a silent witness of her introduction to the old man, Lord Stout, who she had actually met already and who spoke on behalf of Lady Barbrey when he offered Barrow Hall to host them over the following days. _Along with all the security she thought necessary_.

When Lord Manderly greeted the Queen he seemed genuinely happy and excited to see her, almost moved to tears and Podrick could see the tension starting to leave her as a smile graced her face when she addressed the man, her frown also seemed to disappear and her shoulders dropped down as she lowered her defenses.

The young woman that accompanied them was Lord Manderly’s granddaughter, Wylla, who greeted the Queen as though they were old acquaintances and took her hands encouragingly; it was the first show of affection from someone to her that he had seen in the near three months he had been by her side.

He was introduced to the Lords as _Ser Podrick Payne_ , the _Kingsguard_ and Knight who protected her all the way to this place. And for the first time in seven years he felt validation from his work as a _Kingsguard_ , something that secretly thrilled him when Lord Manderly, Lord Stout and even the soldiers gave him heartfelt thanks and acknowledgements.

Lord Stout shook his hand while Lord Manderly even lifted him from the ground in a hug as his granddaughter complained he was going to hurt himself and, for an old man, he was quite strong. The soldiers laughed and patted him on the back. For those short seconds, he preened like a peacock, he was _elated._ Lady Wylla bowed her head to him, _but as soon as his eyes met the Queen’s he realized it wasn’t the time for all that_.

After a few seconds, Lord Manderly apologized and asked Lord Stout to let him have a word with the Queen in private but seeing the way she looked at the guard he didn’t ask him to leave them as well.

They talked about what would happen next, the Lord understood her misgivings about staying at Barrow Hall until her army arrived. And he tried to make her see reason telling her a Maester should look at her before leaving for Winterfell. Besides, Barrow Hall was halfway between her army and the Knights of the Vale. And he would make his servants and bannermen available to her to make her feel even safer.

“Anything we can do for you, My Queen.” Wylla, added.

Her acquiesce took Podrick by surprise since he figured she would rather stay at an inn in town, _but then, she probably wouldn’t want to stay at an inn ever again, even with all the servants and security offered by Lord Manderly._ He decided to intrude in the conversation so he cleared his throat as he stepped closer to the table, “I’m sorry for interrupting, my Lord, but how far are we from Torren Square and Her Grace’s army?”

“If they get organized and start marching once they receive the raven, I daresay they’ll be here in a little over a day. No more than a day and a half.”

_That wasn’t too bad._ He looked up to see _Her Grace_ standing and Lord Manderly followed suit with his granddaughter’s and his help. They were being guided to the carriage when she stopped suddenly as though she had walked into a door, and Podrick turned to her, quickly taking her by the arm, “Ma’am?”

“ _Ma’am?”_ Lord Manderly asked worriedly too.

_There isn’t enough room on the carriage_ , was the only thing her mind screamed at her, her heart beating fast, filled with fear and mistrust, _“...Ser Podrick is coming with me.”_ she managed to say and she felt him releasing her as if realizing he shouldn’t have touched her in the first place.

He was surprised at her request since that was never the protocol with him, they had never shared a carriage and he had always ridden beside it but at the moment he didn’t refuse or made excuses because he wouldn’t feel comfortable being apart from her either, _they didn’t know what could happen._

Lord Stout wanted to kick himself since it was obvious he was the odd man out. Lord Manderly wasn’t in any condition to ride and his granddaughter was a woman, “Don’t worry, Your Grace, I’ll ride with the soldiers.” She nodded and showed her gratitude by letting him help her getting on the carriage, after her, several soldiers helped Lord Manderly and his granddaughter.

Podrick looked into the carriage and he saw that the only place available was next to her, he silently got inside and realized Lord Manderly and his granddaughter were taken aback by their appearance. “I apologize for the state in which we’re going to leave your carriage, my lord.” They were dirty from head to toe while the interior of the carriage was pristine.

_Always proper and polite, making people like him on the spot,_ Sansa thought.

“Oh, don’t worry, it isn’t ours.”

Podrick grinned at that.

“ _Wylla!_ ” Lord Manderly scolded her for her jest.

Sansa heard Wylla laughing and it made her smile tiredly until she noticed, not without some disappointment, that Wylla and Podrick were exchanging conspiratorial grins. She tried to dismiss the feeling that invaded her and turned to Lord Manderly, “My Lord, do you really think it’s prudent to trust Lord Stout, his men and servants where we are staying?”

“I understand your reasons to mistrust, _Ma’am_ , but don’t.” The horses marched forwards.

The only thing Sansa trusted was in Lord Manderly’s adoration for his granddaughter and that he would never let her be present if he was up to something against the Crown, or that he would have her under the same roof as Lord Stout if he doubted the man’s integrity.

Wylla couldn’t help but take notice how haggard Sansa was, the bags under her eyes, her filthy and tangled hair, her dirty face and clothing, she didn’t look at all like a Queen, not that it mattered because what was worse was how terribly concerned she was, “Quite the adventure you had, Ma’am.” I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

Through the window, Sansa was giving a fake smile to a girl that was waving at her, “Of course, Lady Wylla,” she replied but instead of looking at her she fixed her eyes on the lady’s grandfather, “but I would also like to hear about the state of my men, Lord Manderly. This attack against me won’t go unpunished.”

“Of course not, Your Grace, _The North Remembers_.” Lord Manderly assured her and then started talking without the secrecy kept in front of the soldiers, “they have extracted information from the captured enemies... it all seems to point to an attack coming from a small number of lords from right here in the North, Ma’am. The scroll didn’t mention their names, but that’s what your army and my bannermen informed me.”

Sansa had gone over that possibility already, _over every possibility_ , “How many losses did we suffer?”

He shook his head, “Forty-three men, Ma’am, three advisors, two maids, four guards, twenty-five soldiers including one of your brother’s men and nine inn workers including the owners.” her eyes glazed over and she fell silent with the news.

The ride took over half an hour, the motion made him sleepy but Podrick was wrought with sadness over his fallen friend. He also started hearing an incessant dripping noise and he hid his arm from Lord Manderly and Her Grace so they wouldn’t notice the growing puddle of blood from his arm, though he was aware that Lady Wylla did notice.

When they finally reached their destination they studied their surroundings and realized that, it wasn’t too large a keep but not particularly small either.

They followed Lord Manderly through corridors and halls until they reached a big room were all the soldiers, inhabitants and servants of the keep were waiting for them to offer their services to the Queen.

Again, they were guided through corridors until they reached the guests wing where Sansa told Lord Manderly that it wasn’t necessary for him to vacate the main guest room and give it to her since _she wasn’t planning to spend too much time in the place._ She’d be gone as soon as her army arrived, so he shouldn’t bother.

Podrick stood before the door of her room watching as a parade of maids came and went organizing and supplying what was needed, along with Lady Wylla who was helping her —with a couple of maids— to unclasp and untie the cords of the armor, which took them quite a while since they weren’t used to the contraption; Podrick knew it would be inappropriate to offer his help, or to let them know that he had already helped her take off the armor once.

The Maesters arrived minutes later and a tub was carried inside along with buckets of hot and cold water. Every muscle in his body ached from the thought of how comfortable and relaxed she was about to be. She looked over at him a few times, and almost immediately after she whispered something to Lord Manderly’s granddaughter, one of the Maesters asked him to follow him, which made him throw her a glance and she nodded her permission to leave her.

He followed the man until they reached the hall of the Maesters, a long way across and under the castle. His thighs and butt were contracting from pain and his back was killing him. When the maester pointed to a wooden table, he sat on it thinking of the feather bed she would soon be enjoying. _He didn’t like being so far away from her._

“Show me the wound.” The maester told the Kingsguard.

Podrick started taking off the armor and not for the first time remarked on how filthy, bloodied and sweaty his clothes were. When he uncovered the bloodied wound on his arm, the maester studied intently and nodded in approval of the paste he had put on it, “I’m more worried about an infection than the broken stitches.” The maester had him hop off the table and guided him to a window where the light let him take a better look as he cleaned the wound.

_“Her Grace_ didn’t mention you had broken stitches,” he remarked.

“I didn’t have the time to tell her.”

He nodded, “There doesn’t seem to be an infection but I’ll give you medicine for that... and about stitching you up, do you want something for the pain?”

Podrick nodded; _there was no harm in taking something to dull the pain._

As the maester was stitching him back up, two soldiers from House Dustin and a third from House Manderly entered; they wanted him to tell them _all_ the events that transpired in order to let her army know through ravens as to prepare them for what could happen on the road.

Podrick was hesitant and told the truth; she hadn’t authorized him to share the information.

“She’s the Queen, _but she’s a woman_. She doesn't know strategy.”

Podrick and the Commander of the Manderly army exchanged a look and he could tell the man wasn’t pleased about the comment either, “Regardless, she’s the Queen and I take my orders from her,” he answered.

“But she’s not _your_ Queen.” One of the men objected.

“I’m still at her service.” he looked to the Maester and he gestured to the other wound on his side, “I don’t think I should be concerned about that one.”

The man looked over the injury quickly, “you shouldn’t.” But I’ll clean and wrap it.”

Podrick ignored most of the questions coming from the soldiers and once he was free to join her he went to see Lord Manderly, “If I may, I’d like a word in private, my lord,” he requested receiving a look of reproach because of his state, “the maester was tending to my wounds...” he explained.

“Ser Podrick, your face seems familiar, have we met before?” he pointed to a table where there was a jar of wine and a few cups. “I’d stand myself but the maesters insist I shouldn’t be moving about. I may pay later for my display of gratitude to you.”

Podrick smiled and refused the wine, thanking him and telling him they knew each other from afar from the time he had spent at Winterfell. After a moment where he failed to see a sign of recognition on the man’s part he proceeded to tell him the reason for his visit, “My Lord, I’m here because I’m concerned about something I didn’t share with Her Grace because I didn’t want to worry her.” That got the man’s full attention. “When we were attacked, things happened too quickly but one of the things I noticed was the small number of men present to defend the Queen. I might be wrong and they could have been inside the inn, but it didn’t feel like it when our forces were so easily overwhelmed.”

“…You’re right, Ser Podrick,” Lord Manderly agreed finding it odd that the guard wasn’t aware of things, “but don’t fear foul play. It was just an error in judgment by the commander of the army.”

He gestured at the young man to hand him another cup of wine as he talked, “half of the maids wanted to leave after they heard of the state of the next Keep in the tour, they wanted to make sure that at least the Queen’s rooms were up to her standards. Twenty men left with them; they thought they’d be back before she woke up. _That was a fatal mistake.”_

_And someone would pay for it._ Podrick nodded in understanding, “...but isn’t it too convenient that they left on that precise night, my lord?”

“Of course it is, Ser Podrick. That’s the first thing that the army investigated but it appears to be a terrible coincidence.”

_“Hmmm..._ ” Podrick mumbled, not wanting to doubt but still doing it.

He made his way to her room almost an hour after first leaving. He hesitated before knocking on the door because the last thing he needed was to stand guard at her door like an idiot to later realize that she was somewhere else, _it wouldn’t be the first time._

He was surprised to find her opening her own door instead of a maid; she looked pristine in a robe, which he found odd because he didn’t think she would be getting ready for bed but dressed to have a meeting with Lord Manderly and the bannermen of both houses.

He inhaled and took a whiff of the smell of rose water coming from her wet hair. “I just wanted to make sure you still were here, Ma’am.” Oddly, she seemed a little bit shorter than him and when he looked down he saw her wearing a plain pair of slippers with no heels or platforms.

She nodded, “Not for long. We’ll have a meeting in two hours.” She noticed someone had probably given him something to wear and that he had cleaned up a little but not much since he still had dirt and grease on him, and she could smell sweat, blood and musk on him and she was reminded that she hadn’t been any better minutes before. “What did the maesters say?”

Seeing her giving him a quick once over and her scrunching her nose subtly, he was struck _even more_ by how clean she was compared to how terribly filthy he was. “Nothing to worry about... some stitches had broken and they fixed them.”

“Beating that soldier the way you did will bring some political consequences with Lady Barbrey,” she hadn’t dealt much with the woman and on top of it she was making herself at home in her house, if she wanted to give her trouble she would at the slightest provocation.

“Only if she wants to fight over nothing. I’m here to protect you and I think I was doing a fine job of it until that soldier hurt you.” he couldn’t help his wondering eyes from traveling to the comfortable bed and to the table where a jug of wine and an almost empty plate were resting, “With all due respect, no one is going to blame me for beating him to a pulp.” _But_ _seeing that she was so worried about the consequences he would go to talk to the soldier with someone else to witness him taking responsibility for his actions._

Seeing the look on his eyes, she went to fill a cup for him and after realizing that he always was mindful of protocols, she went back to the door and handed it to him.

He wouldn’t refuse a cup of wine from her, _though he knew he should_. “Did that soldier hurt you badly, ma’am? _Tell the truth.”_

_It was hurting_ , and she figured that she’d get a big bruise even tending the site with the compresses that the maester had suggested, “I won’t be wearing a bodice in the next days,” she commented and she saw a flicker of anger go through his eyes as he finished the wine in two big gulps.

He would rather focus on the flavor of the wine than on the anger he felt when he saw her being attacked in front of him, “It was quite ironic that we made it all this way with you unharmed only to have that m—”

Sansa shook her head, “—let’s not think about that.” she said, and she included herself because whether she wanted it or not, the thought brought on the reminder of past beatings. She went on without giving him time to react to her words and pointing to his arm, “What about infection?” _after all, he had been very worried about that._

He didn’t reply right away but he didn’t change the subject because he wanted to see what she was after. He showed her a vial with a mix of herbs he could use to put on the wound, “all is well.” he thought about something as he handed her the cup back, “the Maester and a couple of soldiers were impressed with your stitches. They said that if you did that in a rush, they’d like to see what you were capable of with more time and training.

His words amused her enough to give him a tired grin. She took a step out her room and pointed to the next door on her left, “I’m not going to have you guard my door, I’m sure you’re as tired as I am but I would feel better knowing you’re sleeping next door.”

Feeling surprised grateful and a bit embarrassed, he bowed his head, “Thank you, Ma’am.”

“It’s the least I can do for you, Ser Podrick. But I’m going to ask you to accompany me to the meeting as a last favor today.”

“It hadn’t even occurred to me not to.” _And that was the truth._

“Then go and get some rest. We’ll talk later about how to reward you for all your services.”

Such a simple, common phrase suddenly took on a completely different meaning.

Podrick tried to get that almost-kiss from his head, and even more than kissing, so he bowed to her before taking his leave. He entered his room and took it in; it was just like hers, there was a jug of wine, a plate covered by a cloche, a tub with hot water from the look of it and clean clothes on the bed... _and of course, the bed!..._ a smile broke on his face as he started taking off his dirty rags.

.

.

.

They silently made their way to the meeting hall of the keep.

Sansa felt awkward. She was wearing a beautiful dress that belonged to Lady Wylla; it was green and luxurious with short sleeves that she covered by donning a cloak over it. Her hair was loose and adorned with two thin braids that started at the temple and were joined behind her head. When she looked in the mirror before leaving the room, she saw she was pale, with bags under her eyes, looking tired and gaunt but maybe it was just that the rigidity of her usual outfits and reinforced bodices were gone and it made her seem plain, _it made her feel plain, powerless._

She looked more like a defenseless woman than a Queen and she didn’t like it.

If Podrick’s side glances told her anything, it was that he had also remarked on the change. She looked his way and found him staring at her but then he averted his eyes _again_ and on their way they went.

On her part, she had noticed him wearing clothes that were more fitting for a _Lord_ than for a soldier or bannerman and they looked as though they had been custom made for him, he looked perfect. And he had cleaned up nicely, _he had made an effort to look his best;_ the beard was gone, he had brushed his hair and it was tied behind his head. There were two possible reasons why he trimmed the beard, either he felt that the cold wasn’t as biting here as it was in Winterfell or he suspected he’d be back in King’s Landing soon.

When they had met on her doorstep they both had been taken aback by the other’s appearance, not believing their eyes and it had been Lady Wylla who had cleared her throat broking the spell so that they wouldn’t stay standing there looking at each other like idiots. After the trance was broken, Podrick stepped back and gestured with his arm for them to go ahead.

As they walked, Sansa couldn’t help but look at Lady Wylla who threw her a glance at the same time along with a complicit smile that let her know she wasn’t the only one who noticed how handsome Podrick was. But Wylla wasn’t invited to that meeting so she eventually left them and she and Podrick continued on their own and side by side.

“Do you feel comfortable, Ma’am, with us staying here?” he looked at her intently, studying her. At the moment, he was reminded of the days when they had first made it to Castle Black; she was displaying a natural beauty, a beauty that felt to him even more _painfully_ appealing than her usual regal posturing. At the moment, s _he didn’t seem that unattainable to someone like him._

“...I think so.” She admitted as she held his gaze, “Lord Manderly has always been a good man to me and my family.” He wasn’t making an effort not to look at her openly so she blushed from the feel of his eyes staring at her face intently, which made her break the gaze to look at the path ahead, “…but ask me again after this meeting.”

Podrick nodded, “...I will.” he studied her further and noticed her blush at his attention, but he didn’t let himself grin out of respect, “All will be well, Ma’am.” he said in a sort of apology for making her feel uncomfortable.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to fangfaceandrea for the translation!


	7. Chapter 7

_In the worst of cases she was still in danger_ , she told herself as she closed the book that she was trying and failing to read.

The soldiers had wanted information from Podrick _and not her._

And the information she got from Lord Manderly was scare. A small number of lords had betrayed her _and only the head of her army would reveal their identities_.

And to make it worse, _she was staying in the Lion’s den._

As she should have expected, she didn’t sleep a wink that night. She wouldn’t find any rest until she felt completely safe and that wouldn’t happen until her army arrived to escort her back to Winterfell.

A part of her trusted Lord Manderly and his granddaughter because she knew the former esteemed her and the latter admired her but mistrusting was ingrained in her, _and neither esteem nor admiration guaranteed loyalty._

For that very reason, a tad of mistrust, she hadn’t wanted a maid or a lady in waiting, not even Wylla, _who she had known since they were children,_ to stay with her during the night. She only would have wanted to have _Snow_ with her; if he were here, he would be laying by the door growling and raising his head at any sounds or moves outside her door. Not for the first time she regretted not having brought her direwolf on this outing, she regretted making her lords’ requests not to bring _a beast_ inside their castles a priority over her own safety.

The bed felt extremely comfortable, or she was tired enough to think it was, anyway, but she still remained ill at ease so she rose from it, even the quiet being too much and she continued mulling over how to respond to the attack. But that would be once her army arrived with all the information since she had been told that they hadn’t thought it prudent to communicate through ravens in case there were more enemies hiding in the woods.

_She still feared for her safety even though she wouldn’t admit it._

She walked to a big and comfortable arm chair and sat on it. The soldiers and the rest of the castle seemed happy to have her there and yet...

She’d probably feel better if she knew for certain that Podrick was in the next room but he wasn’t... _She didn’t think he was, anyway._

She knew very well how soldiers liked to celebrate their victories. And she remembered him leaving Winterfell’s great hall once, not with one but with two tavern girls, s _o it wasn’t hard to figure out what he’d rather do._ The last she’d seen of him, he had been surrounded by Lord Manderly’s and House Dustin’s commanders. They had wanted to take him out to celebrate for having _taken good care of The Queen._

_‘I’m a Kingsguard and I took an oath before the King_ ,’ she had heard him say from another hall in a lighthearted voice.

_‘In the past few days you haven’t been a guard to the King but to our Queen. And her guards have some more...liberties. I’m sure you know.’_

_‘Tonight you are a Hero, celebrate like one!’_

_‘Maybe I’m at an age where I’m less about celebrating and more about resting.’_

_‘You'll rest when you’re dead. Come on, we won’t go to a brothel, but have a couple ales at least, there’s a tavern nearby._

_‘Ser Podrick_ , _let us give you a treat._ ’

Of course, as soon as he had arrived from Kings Landing her advisors had investigated him; she had conducted a separate inquiry as well. That’s why she knew that he kept the oath to her brother to the T, _not that she particularly cared about that_ , but it was good to know that the people around her kept their word.

And in the past days, other than those times when they’d been annoyed with each other, there had been a bond growing between them; she knew enough about men to know it wasn’t one-sided. But it seemed that she didn’t know enough about herself not to feel overwhelmed by it.

It wasn’t something she wanted, but more than once she had wondered if it was too late for her, if she would ever trust a man enough to feel some kind of interest or genuine affection for him and she had concluded that it would be impossible, _that was already behind her and it wasn’t something that kept her up at night, either._

During those days when all she could feel was loneliness and nostalgia she could only hold on to the memory of her parents and siblings. Even when she dared imagine herself with a family of her own she could never conjure the image of the man who would provide that for her, only the children that would be by her side.

In the respectful words of Lord Cromwell, she didn’t see the presence of a man, a husband, as a life partner as anything but as a necessary evil.

And for the time being —and for her sanity’s sake— she would ignore the part of her that realized that she was thinking about a family of her own in relation to her new found, _and surprising_ interest in Podrick Payne. She groaned and blushed at the thought of what Arya would say to her while she mockingly raised an eyebrow _he’s got you thinking about babies._

And no, he didn’t have her thinking about babies; that was just a ridiculous, fleeting connection her mind made.

Podrick was able to make her feel things, first a sense of calm and now of safety. And although his attention gave her some sense of satisfaction, it also made her uncomfortable when he made her blush, and in the past few days he had her feeling a pressure in her belly along with some counterproductive ideas.

As far as she knew, he was an honorable and honest man. He was handsome. She had noticed it _even more_ that night as they walked to the meeting, and she had also noticed it while they were in the run, even though their looks then left _everything_ to be desired.

He was brave, calm, and though she had upset him with her panic attack, he managed to bring her out of it with his silly remark of _her frightening him._ He made her smile and he had interesting points of view. But most importantly, he didn’t dwell in the same dark world of suspicion and scheming as she did. As everyone else that she knew did.

_She was interested in him, it was obvious. She wanted the chance to be near him, to kiss him._ And _not only_ to test her theory that the damaged done to her by the men in her life was irreversible but because _she actually wanted to kiss him._ Still, the very idea filled her with anxiety.

If she had learned something about herself in the last decade was to be sure of herself, to trust her instincts and hunches. _However, in this case she didn’t know if she should act or how to do it._

And there also was a colder, more calculating aspect in all this, she knew she had to take advantage of the situation; Podrick Payne was someone inconsequential in her life, he wouldn’t tell a soul or try to pressure her and most importantly: he would vanish from her life after they went back to Winterfell.

Things would end there; with a kiss from a kind and handsome man whom she respected and admired.

A kiss that would answer her questions about her being able to see the value in a man once more.

But at the present time she shouldn’t be thinking about this possibility, _about him;_ she should be thinking about the consequences that she would bring about after her attack, though that was a decision she had made long ago —even before the attack had taken place—, _while wanting to kiss someone was something completely new_. The Cersei that haunted her dreams was probably throwing a fit from being downgraded in her list of concerns.

_Maybe she was thinking too much about all of this_ , maybe Podrick Payne was currently up the skirts of some tavern girl or a whore, _and here she was, driving herself mad over him._ She wanted him to be doing that with all her being, _it would help to get him out of her head._

She stood and went to open the window, which made the old wood crack while letting the colder air in. Suddenly, she heard noises outside and she stood still. She could see the shadow of feet in the gap under the door and in two strides she was reaching for the knife that she still hadn’t relinquished after her escape. She hadn’t even gripped it tightly when she heard a soft knock followed by Podrick’s voice. With her heart still beating at a gallop in her chest, she put on a thin robe and opened the door slightly. “What’s the matter?”

He noticed she seemed worried, as though she thought someone was coming to deliver bad news and from the metallic clank he knew she had a knife in hand behind the door. “...I wanted to make sure that you were alright, I kept hearing noises coming from here.”

Sansa frowned for a few seconds, _so he had been next door resting_ , “I can’t sleep,” she admitted.

Podrick nodded, “Don’t worry, remember I’m next door... or if you’d like I can stand guard by the door.” _Although he didn’t think it was fair for him to change his comfortable bed for a seat; she had given him the night off._

“Aren’t you too tired?” _After all, if she felt exhausted he couldn’t be far behind._

“Yes... but it’s my job.”

“...It is. But I can’t ask more from you. You need to rest.”

“...So do you, Ma’am.”

Something passed through her mind, an idea so absurd and inappropriate that it made her blush but as they continued holding each other’s gaze, she played with it. _That would be a certain way for both of them to find some respite,_ and her heart started beating faster faced with the possibility.

She knew she should let it rest at that; he could stay outside her door doing his job. “Give me a second,” she asked and she left the door ajar before going back to get her coat. _She was entirely too conscious that she shouldn’t act as she was about to._

When she reappeared, Podrick thought they would be taking a walk but his heart went still in his chest when she opened the door and she asked him to come in. His eyebrows went up slowly, he was awestruck and for a second or two he wasn’t sure he had understood correctly.

He lowered his head and fixed his eyes on the floor, “That’s… inappropriate, Ma’am.” _He knew he didn’t have to remind her that_ , but he did because she seemed to have forgotten. _What was she thinking anyway? Her reputation tarnished over a wink._ Some part of his was taking this invitation like what it _wasn’t_ that had his heart speeding up despite himself, while a pleasing yet inappropriate heat started spreading through his body.

She blushed even more when she noticed his reaction, “I know,” she whispered breathlessly. Had he refused with a simple _no_ it would have been better than him bowing his head in submission. It immediately reminded her of who they were.

Podrick watched her feet as she stepped back slightly and after a moment he couldn’t stop himself anymore so his eyes found hers. Even with the darkness of the hall, he saw her blushing and bereft of her usual self-assuredness.

Podrick swallowed feeling enticed; he could already imagine the gossip the next day if someone found out about this. He could stay in her room and not move an inch from the door and still the rumors would be outrageous. But then, he wondered if she _too_ wanted to spend time with him or if her request was just because she was worried for her safety, it was becoming harder and harder to tell, “...I could go fetch a maid.”

“...I don’t trust any of them,” except for Lady Wylla _but what could either of them do if they were attacked?_ “The only person in this castle who I trust blindly is you.” And saying that without taking her eyes off his felt like she was exposing too much of herself.

Podrick tapped the door frame lightly a few times with his fist as he considered it. “You flatter me... _but do you think you’re in danger?_ ” after all, he saw no signs of it during the meeting he’d been privy to. _He had seen her tense and succinct but not openly mistrusting or acting like she felt threatened._

“I won’t feel safe or comfortable until my army arrives, until I’m back at Winterfell.”

_He had figured that already_ , “Think about what will happen if someone finds out about...this,” and even though it was for her sense of safety, he couldn’t vanish the blush on his face as ‘ _this_ ’ left his lips.

“Ill-intentioned people are already talking about the four days I spent alone with you. And precisely because of that, because I trust you I ask this.” And it was in that moment when she realized that she hadn’t specified what _it_ was that she was asking. She felt her cheeks burning once more, “...I meant for you to stay on the long chair so you can rest too.”

Podrick knew he shouldn’t, it was _worse_ with the interest that had been growing between them. His indecision stopped him from speaking, from refusing.

Seeing his hesitation she went on “…I don’t mean to impose on you something that makes you uncomfortable. Good night, Ser Podrick.”

Her change of mind had him muttering for a beat before nodding, “Good night, Ma’am. I’ll be over here,” he pointed to his left, to a wooden bench a few feet from them, _which looked uncomfortable._

Sansa refused, finding that a waste, “No, go get some rest. If you can sleep, go for it.”

_“I’ll be right here,”_ he insisted.

After a few seconds she nodded and she closed the door before making her way to the bed thinking about how absurd her request was. _If she had already spent three nights alone with him, what was the big deal adding another? Circumstances had changed but just a tad and she remained scared and mistrustful._

It’s not like she meant for more to happen because, although she had started to feel curious about him, reality was something else altogether; _she wouldn’t act on it._ It wasn't like her. _It would all remain locked away in her head._

She heard a knock again and she anxiously opened the door to find his gaze, looking like he still thought this was a bad idea. Feeling troubled and doubtful, she let him in.

_It really was a bad idea._

True to himself, he lowered his eyes as he stayed standing next to the closed door, being a Guard. She turned her back on him and went to close the window. The bed and the long chair were far apart and didn’t face each other. She was about to say something but she stopped herself because she could see how her words could be misinterpreted so instead she went to grab a pillow and a blanket and she put them on the soft and fluffy sofa.

Feeling more confident she spoke, her voice came out harsher than she intended, “Ser Podrick, I didn’t ask you to stay so that you would spend the night uncomfortable standing there, you could do that outside...”

Podrick straightened and looked in her direction without really facing her, _wondering what he was getting himself into._ “He didn’t know what to say and something ridiculous came out, “I’m allowed to sleep?”

That’s not what she thought he would reply, “...Yes...your presence is enough... for my peace of mind.” she gritted out; uncertain if that revelation would be taken as something else.

By contrast, she didn’t bring _him_ any peace, since a few days ago, all she did was agitate him. Right then, Podrick was trying to remain sensible and not let himself be overrun by his instincts; he averted her eyes because every time he held her gaze he felt himself getting lost in her eyes. “...That would be sensible, if there’s an attack we’d be together...”

Sansa found it odd that he was skipping over what she really meant. Honestly, she wasn’t sure about how to act, she didn’t have that kind of experience and she wished he took it upon himself. She inhaled deeply opting for desisting and ridding her mind of those foolish thoughts, she regained her composure and was careful with her tone, “Just for tonight, by tomorrow, my guards and army will be here and you'll get your well-deserved rest.”

He nodded and he made his way inside, still hesitating, and instinctively she went in the other direction, away from him; which made her realize that _that_ , dodging him without even thinking, was a clear indicator that she wasn’t ready for some other kind of closeness... and it made her feel mad at herself. _So, with no small amount of disappointment, she could see that at the end of the day, all that her mind kept conjuring was nothing but useless romantic fantasies._

She remained standing still for a moment, he was looking at her seemingly waiting for her to proceed, so she silently and shamefully made her way to the bed and got in with her coat on before covering herself up with the furs. Her eyes flickered to him as he sat and as he placed the pillow as not to face her.

She remained restless but quiet in the same position while her mind went back to the useless romantic notions she thought were behind her forever ...her mind was starting to go on roads that were better left untraveled. “I thought you had gone off to celebrate with the knights... not that I would reprove.”

Podrick opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling again; although he wasn’t sleepy, he had begun to settle down when he heard her voice and his heart set off again. “What kind of guard would I be, taking off for drinks and leaving you unprotected? While you could have been attacked?”

“... I’d given you the night off.”

_“How would I face your brother?”_ he asked back as he imagined the scenario, _“I’d rather die defending you than leaving this world with that stain on my name._ ” He didn’t add that he worried about her well-being because there were things best left unsaid. “Besides, it has only been you and me through all this... and that’s how it’ll be until your army arrives or until you or your brother release me from your service.”

Podrick’s goal always had been to become a knight so his words didn’t surprise her, “... You’re part of my brother’s _Kingsguard,_ there won’t be that much honor if you give your life for mine instead of the _King_ who you swore to protect _._ ”

_He couldn’t argue with that._ “You needed me more than he ever has.” he chose his words wisely and he tried to hide the emotion from his voice, “Your brother agreed to let me be his guard because he saw no thirst for power in me, because I’m honest and mostly because Ser Brienne presented me as a candidate. So I hadn’t really felt that I had earned my spot out of my own merit. Because of my skills as knight, you know?” he wanted to turn to look at her, to see her nodding along but he didn’t, “When Lord Manderly thanked me so profusely for protecting you... that’s the first time I felt like I earned it, _being a Kingsguard_ , Ma’am... even if all we did was run and hide, even if I’m not sworn to you.” A _nd what would he get from revealing all this to her?_

Sansa kept on looking at the ceiling, not knowing that to say. “You should be proud, Ser Podrick, not just because you earned it but because you are one of the few honorable and honest people in Westeros.”

“…Of which you disapprove since people will try to take advantage of me.”

She heard teasing as he repeated her words from before, “I don’t disapprove, I actually admire it, it’s just that being honorable and honest hasn’t worked for my family in the past, that’s why I’m warning you, so that you don’t trust so easily.”

_What could he say to that?_ “...It’s been a true honor to serve you, Ma’am.”

“As I said before, Podrick, the doors of the North, of Winterfell will always be open to you.”

“Thank you.” He answered as a part of him realized that she still hadn’t thanked him for rescuing her, that she should be the one saying thanks, _not him._ Even if his job was to serve her, hearing her thanking him would be —other than a great stroke to his ego— the least he deserved coming from her. He didn’t want treasure or a reward, a thank you would suffice.

“Good night, Ser Podrick.”

“Good night, Ma’am.”

Only then did Sansa convince herself that inviting him to stay with her was a mistake. She wasn’t gaining anything from it, just discomfort along with some sense of security form having him near. But, for the most part, discomfort was the prevalent feeling.

After several minutes she spoke again. “Ser Podrick?”

Again, he tensed up as she broke the silence, “yes, Ma’am?”

“...Even though I didn’t exactly enjoy my role in helping you earn your standing as a Kingsguard, I’m happy to have done my part, small as it was. And I’m happy for you.” _and why was she contradicting herself in regards to Podrick? She knew it was better to put distance between them and yet... she kept thinking one thing and doing the opposite._

Podrick could hear teasing in her words and he smiled, “ _Ah!_ but sadly, Ma’am, I couldn’t have proven myself without you...” he teased back and he imagined it made her smile…

After that there was silence.

.

.

.

It was Sansa who awoke first, with the wondrous feeling of the bed under her. She felt the rays of light coming through one of the windows as she turned slowly thanks to the bruise on her back. It actually took her a few seconds to take stock of the discarded coat on the furs and to remember that she hadn’t been alone.

A part of her wished he had left but just as she sat on the bed and pulled the covers to herself she found a body on the chair. He was sleeping belly down with an arm —the injured one, surely— dangling off it and the unsheathed sword on the floor, easy to reach; his hair had escaped the tail and was now covering his face. _This wasn’t right._

She quickly and painfully put on her coat and she stood while clearly recalling Podrick locking the door after closing it. Plus, people would probably give her some privacy since she had been so tired and hurt.

She rushed to his side and called his name in a hush but it didn't work. She threw a glance at the clock and saw that it was sometime after ten in the morning, which made her worry that some chambermaid would show up. Or that a concerned Lady Wylla would.

Podrick woke up from being shaken by his shoulder, his eyes opened and rolled back before they closed again, _he was exhausted,_ everything hurt and he groaned lowly when he hear his name being called; then, he turned with some difficulty and he opened his eyes.

Sansa saw Podrick giving her something between an angelic and stupid grin and it took her few seconds to understand that he wasn’t fully awake yet so she rolled her eyes impatiently, “You need to leave before—”

He grabbed her elbow, _“Why do you have to be so gorgeous?_ ” he whispered on a smiling sigh.

“—a maid comes in.” She was stunned by his words, by the tease and the warmth in his hushed voice that barely reached her ears; she was stunned by the way his hand traveled from her elbow to her wrist, by not being afraid of his touch, by the way in which he slowly but surely woke up.

For an instant she did feel overwhelmed by his caress but that feeling vanished as soon as he released her. She stepped back, his words were echoing in her head and she felt something like _excitement_ because they were both disconcerting and secretly appreciated. Her cheeks were burning.

Her stepping back made Podrick realize that she was real and not part of a dream like he believed. With some frustration, he unsuccessfully tried to untangle himself from the blanket that was wrapped around his body, _which made the situation even worse_ ; feeling humiliated he quickly sat up before standing to finish his task but he promptly realized that it was better not to, what with the tightening he felt in his pants.

He sat down again and blused even more profusely, _“I’m sorry.”_ he managed mortified while fixing his eyes on the floor as he bent over to pick up his sword. Gripping the blanket to his shoulder with the other hand, he stood and he rushed to the door, _not wanting to add another questionable second to this, “_ I fell asleep, I meant to leave before dawn and... _I don’t know…”_ he looked back over his shoulder as he tried to make out the sounds outside and as he realized she hadn’t taken notice of his predicament, “ _I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’m truly sorry_. _About everything.”_ He said before making his escape.

Sansa could see that he was as embarrassed as she was and she thought he would just open the door and leave but he stopped to silently make sure that there was no one on the hall and then, from one moment to the next, he was gone.

_Shit, shit, shit!_

Podrick entered his room in a rush, he closed the door behind him and slumped against it feeling utterly embarrassed as he let go of the blanket. _Shit, shit, shit, he was an idiot!_

But at least she hadn’t noticed his _excitement_... at least there was that. He paced the room feeling mortified as he tried to recall any sign of her realizing it but there was nothing. Several minutes passed before he slowly started to calm down, before his mind jump to that _other_ matter.

_Had he really called her gorgeous?_

He didn’t know which of the two incidents was worse. _And the day was just beginning._

He threw himself on the bed closing his eyes and went over the memory; he remembered her expression, stunned _but pleased_ at the compliment, though she had hidden her reaction almost immediately; she had masterfully set aside her own inappropriate emotions... _or had he imagined that?_ He wondered with no small amount of doubt.

He had probably imagined it. But he wasn’t fully convinced.

Complimenting her beauty was, aside from stupid, one of the three inappropriate things that had happened in the last ten hours. And he didn’t know what was worse, his body’s indiscreet reaction or not having given her a more specific compliment instead of just her overall beauty.

She was more than just beautiful, surely, she was used to be told that but, as another beautiful woman had once advised him, he should have remarked on one of her features; ‘she’ll remember you more that way than if you just call her beautiful’.

_And her clear eyes were a sight to behold._ A sight he had only recently been able to admire openly and up close.

Podrick decided not to leave the room until it felt like it was necessary or until she requested it. And that’s how a soldier found him hours later, laying down and still mortified, as he came in to tell him that _Her Grace_ was going to take a tour of the whole castle in half an hour and wasn’t he going with her?

Sansa didn’t see Podrick joining her but a movement from the corner of her eye let her know it was him. She certainly tried to focus on the tour and the history of the place, paying no mind to what had transpired that morning. She could tell that he was too because she heard him ask a few questions about the defense strategies in battle, probably feeling confident that at the moment he was regarded as a sort of brave hero and that no one would reproach him breaking a guard’s expected silence.

.

.

.

By midafternoon, Sansa was in the library reading the biography of Lord William Dustin; she honestly hadn’t read the whole book, just the end where the Lord came across her own father _when he accompanied him to the Tower of Joy where he honorably lost his life trying to rescue Lady Lyanna Stark._

_Lord Eddard Stark didn’t return Lord Willam’s bones, claiming that he had been buried in Dorne._

She traced that last line with her thumb. Those words felt cutting and final. That was the reason why Lady Barbrey held a grudge against her father, against her family; he had come back to Winterfell with his sister’s remains but he hadn’t returned her husband’s to her.

_And she couldn’t blame the woman._

She felt Podrick move at another table, he was nodding off against the book he was trying to read as they awaited the arrival of her army.

Sansa tried to ignored him as she had been doing all day so she threw back her head against the soft back of the armchair and she closed her eyes ... _Trying to rescue her aunt_... it now was public knowledge that it hadn’t been a rescue. That had probably made the woman feel _even_ angrier.

Now, after making herself at home at Barrow Hall without the knowledge of the Lady, she would have to write a heartfelt apology to Lady Barbrey on her and her family’s behalf. Sansa was well aware that it was due to her own arrogance that she hadn’t apologized to her after the woman’s pledge to her.

Once more, she went over her aunt Lyanna’s terrible decision, after all these years she still didn’t understand how she had decided to run away with Prince Rhaegar, _What was she thinking? What was going on in her head to justify her actions? ...Did her feelings for the Prince change at all when she heard that the King killed her father and brother? That the entire realm went to war over her kidnapping? Did she ever regret it?_ If Bran was more open with his _powers_ , she would have already convinced him to look into those moments.

A while later, Podrick woke up to find Her Grace sleeping on the armchair and once again he wanted to kick himself because of what happened that morning, but instead he found himself studying her. _She was a strikingly beautiful woman._ She had always been beautiful but now he was aware of how much, _especially because of how close they had gotten._ It hadn’t been a problem before.

He had accepted that he needed to keep his distance; it actually was the one good thing he found in the situation, _his one certainty._ The bad things were the temptation and the innumerable fantasies that had started to take hold of his mind...

The moment was broken when she took a deep breath in and out. In the past days, some transgressions had been committed but mostly because of the circumstances. And not only by him, _by her too_. _What was that? Inviting him into her room for the night?_ It hadn’t been what it would seem from the outside but she wasn’t in a position to be the talk of the realm.

Right now he could admit that he was dumbfounded by her beauty and by her attention — _because she was showering him with attention, he was not blind to her subtle flirtations—_ but he knew how to comport himself, or he thought he did, but accepting her invitation was done _on an impulse_ , it was a mistake.

He saw that the book she had been holding was about to fall so he carefully approached her, mindful of not waking her. Even more carefully, he softly placed his hand on her wrist, moving it as he took the book from her. She didn’t react at all. He put her hand on the arm of the chair whilst making a note of how soft and white her skin was, since she wasn’t wearing gloves; this part of the North wasn’t as cold.

He drew away as gingerly as he had approached and he found his way to a table that was even further that the one he occupied before. But he continued to study her, never before had he been as fascinated by a sleeping woman, _a dressed one, no less_ , a devilish voiced whispered in his mind.

_And she was the Queen, he shouldn’t be thinking those things._

_If her brother found out about his thoughts... well, he’d do more than just admonish him for his behavior._

He lifted his head when Lady Wylla came into the library some minutes later. She signaled for him to remain seated as she took a seat facing him.

“My lady,” he greeted as he bowed his head. He had noticed in several occasions that she and the Queen evidently knew each other from their youth.

She bowed her head and went straight to the point, “Ser Podrick, I thought you a true gentleman when your first arrived at this castle and when she told me how you had respected her through all of your adventures, and that she appreciates and admires you as a person...” _seeing him blush at that wasn’t helping._ “This morning I was awake when you two... I heard how you rejected her at first...” her words made him tense up.

He felt uncomfortable and suddenly quite hot, “A situation that’s easy to misconstrue, my lady,” he said keeping control, unwilling to show that he was as worried as he truly was, “She... she is still mistrustful and fearful. She doesn’t feel entirely safe. I was only guarding her from inside the room.” _That last part sounded so ridiculous no one would believe it._ “I was only keeping her company, nothing improper happened. She’s a lady, you know her.”

_It was because she knew her that she believed the guard’s words,_ but they didn’t mean it hadn’t been improper. _What difference it made him guarding her from the outside?_ In any case, it had been her who ordered the maids not to wake up the Queen, to let her rest until she felt like it and she called for them. _She didn’t want talk about the Queen spreading around._ “... I understand she’s been through a lot and I’m sure you’re telling the truth, Ser Podrick, but you know very well that your actions were improper.”

“I know, my lady. But I didn’t disrespect her, I never have.”

Wylla was trying not to let that pique her interest _but it did._ She believed Sansa and she was aware of her fears and misgivings in regards to men but no matter how respectable the Queen tried to come across, in more than one occasion during the previous evening and in the morning, she had witness the way in which _both of them_ , Queen and Guard, sought each other’s eyes... The longing looks made it obvious that it wasn’t because of the young Kingsguard’s outstanding work, and on top of it, he was appealing in a nonthreatening way.

_Anyway, in the end, it had been the Queen who had invited him into her chamber_ and that was definitely not the Sansa Stark she knew. _She had always been a lady through and through,_ “I understand that the Queen is a beautiful woman and it’s hard to resist her—”

“—She’s and admirable woman.” he admitted as he cut her off, “But I don’t serve her because she is beautiful, I do it because it’s my duty and ....we were trying to survive.” He was defensive and very aware that he had been caught with his hands in the cookie jar so he stood, “If you excuse me, I’ll be outside keeping watch, my lady.”

She steeled herself before speaking because she knew she wasn’t in a position to do so _and it wasn’t like her, either_ , “...The Queen is out of the reach of someone like you, Ser Podrick.” she reminded him, “and you’ll have to forgive my harsh words as I don’t mean to offend you. Believe me when I tell you that both the Queen and I hold you in the highest of regards after your services...”

He felt so foolish when his first instinct was to act cordially and thank her for her final words, “Don’t worry, my lady, I know my place, she’s not my type and most importantly, I am a Kingsguard and I abide by my vows.” He said, miffed.

_Then he’d be one of the very few ones who did. S_ everal ideas came to mind on how he could proceed without breaking his oaths to his King. _Though she suspected that the Queen would be scandalized at the mere insinuation._

.

.

.

Once a portion of her army had arrived, a private meeting was held to notify the Queen of _all_ the information her soldiers had collected, mostly under torture; they had been waiting for a few minutes until she digested the information.

“How shall we proceed, my Queen?” Palmer, the newest Commander of her army asked when she came back to the room with her advisors. The previous Commander had stepped down from his position because of his errors and he had stayed behind with the remaining forces at Torrhen Square as a foot soldier to make it up to her.

_How to proceed._ Sansa had made that decision years ago, that’s why Cersei came to her in dreams; her conscience was screaming against the order she’s have to give for the first time.

_She needed to ensure her own safety. She had to be ruthless to solve one issue and to send a necessary message._ This wasn’t just for her but for all of the men and women who had been murdered. “For the men who participated in the attack... if they have families, give them a choice, death or Castle Black.”

“And the ones who don’t?”

“Take off their heads, impale them and display them at the outskirts of the castles of the Lords who hired them. I want for this to be a lesson.”

That took Podrick by surprise as he had though the first part sounded just but the second part... leaving the heads out for everyone to see... _that would leave a bitter aftertaste._

“And the lords and their families?”

“Everyone involved will pay. The innocent will live. But make it clear to them that their lands and titles will be taken from them. _They’ll leave their homes only with what they can carry in their arms._ ” That was a sign of mercy; if they were smart, the relatives of those lords would take the gold and jewelry that would help them start over more easily.

Lord Manderly didn’t think this was fair... “…and the lords who betrayed you, Ma’am?” she had granted titles to a couple of them, _the ungrateful bastards_.

“...I wish for their bannermen to swear and show their loyalty to me by dethroning their lords, but let them know I want them alive.” _She knew that’s where she was going with to be met with objections_.

“...What you ask will cause internal wars in those castles, Ma’am,” Podrick found himself speaking and he immediately realized what a mistake that was because, however much help he had been and whatever esteem she had for him, _he was still a foreigner that didn’t belong in the North. A simple guard whose opinions he should keep to himself, or at least share them less openly._

Sansa saw the disapproval of Lord Stout and several other men in the room for the insolence, Lord Harry, was one of them and so she stopped herself from looking in Podrick’s direction. _“I know.”_

That was the most likely outcome; when the people inside the besieged castles realized they were out of options, they would rebel and her armies wouldn’t come into play unless the winning side was the one opposing her. “I want information directly from the mouth of those involved, _if possible._ I want to know why they attacked, who else is involved, who financed it, if they’re planning more attacks...”

_“And once we get the information out of them?”_

“We will rip them out, root and stem. Their heads displayed on the tallest walls of their castles.” What was more likely? That her army would use torture to collect information that wouldn’t lead them to the final piece of the puzzle or that their own bannermen, who knew each other well, who mistrusted each other, would do the dirty work for her...

“That last thing might come at a high price for the towns that surround those castles Ma’am.” Palmer decided to try to make her change her mind.

“ _Those_ are my orders.” Sansa had figured that many wouldn’t agree with her decision. “Lower the taxes in the towns closest to those castles as a show of The Crown’s good will to the vassals of those disloyal lords.”

Lord Manderly decided to talk, feeling it was appropriate to do so, “If you want to rip them out root and stem, you can’t let the Lords’ families live, _you know this_ , Ma’am.”

_She did know_ , who could say that one of those children would try to get revenge in a decade... but _she couldn’t bring herself to order that_. “I don’t think, _my lord_ , that you would appreciate it if I condemned Wylis, Wynafryd or Wylla for your mistakes, _would you?_ ”

“If they thought about attacking your, Ma’am they’ve though about how you’d punish them. They’ve risked their families on their own volition.” She lowered her gaze in acknowledgement to his point. “Womanly mercies are not something you can allow in your reign.”

Sansa knew Lord Manderly didn’t mean to offend but it still felt like it. She lifter her eyes and studied everyone in the room, men, all of them, some of their eyes betrayed agreement with the Lord, others were staring at her blankly and a few were judging her, “It’s not mercy, it’s justice.”

She licked her lips and _Theon_ came to mind, “Take a son from each of the lord’s families if you wish, make them your wards, Winterfell will take none.” Theon had been her father’s weapon to keep Balon Greyjoy true to the Crown since a betrayal would mean the death of his only son and heir to the Iron Islands. “You won’t take their lives.” she added because, though Theon had been a hostage of her father’s, he had been kind to him.

And still, Theon had betrayed her family, Winterfell and the North.

.

.

.

Hours after having finished working out the details with her advisors and the command of her army she still expected more questionings; the final one came from Podrick as they walked along her two guards.

“Heads on stakes, Ma’am?” _they both knew where that was coming from._

“...Loyalty is paramount to me, and the Lords who support me know it. But, as much as I reward loyalty, I condemn betrayal.”

“...That seems fair. That’s not what that concerns me. It’s just that, such methods seem so extreme...” He dared say.

_Not as extreme as Lord Manderly’s_ , she gave him a sideways glance, “It wasn’t an easy decision to make. In a moment of weakness I might be inclined to take it back but I can’t. _I won’t.”_ After a moment she asked for his opinion, “What would you have done?”

Podrick just shook his head without answering, “I’ve never been in a position to make those decisions, I just execute them.”

Sansa didn’t reply and she marched to the library where scroll and ink awaited her. After some minutes she found herself writing a heartfelt apology to Lady Barbrey on behalf of House Stark and her reasons for having to stay longer in her castle since she would be safer there while all the pieces were set in motion. She was well aware that the scroll would reach the woman days after she had already departed and that made it easier to write.

In order to avoid political messes, the Knights of the Vale would not join her army in pursue of justice; instead, a number of them would escort her back to Winterfell. They would be arriving in two days, they would rest and they would leave first thing in the following morning along with a portion of her army as the rest would have set out already to impart and enforce her orders.

So many worries had taken precedence over the morning’s incident with Podrick. But as he walked her to her room she heard him speak again.

“Won’t your decision weight on your conscience?” After all, she was a woman and though nothing in her betrayed any weakness of character, he knew her since King’s Landing, where she had been someone else. He knew that a part, even a very small part, of the innocent young woman she had been, was still in her.

“Losing sleep over this or over my safety... I prefer the former, _believe me._ Besides, my orders aren’t unjust.”

“How will your brother welcome the men who choose castle Black?” he felt her steps slowing down and he looked at her to see her lips thinning and her eyes getting lost, “That’s something that will affect those men’s decisions...”

There was nothing to worry about with Jon, he wouldn’t find out what had happened for _months_. “He’s more concerned with the Free Folk’s settlements than with enforcing the law of the Night’s Watch.” she revealed. _And it had been Jon in her mind when she refused to proceed as suggested by Lord Manderly, children shouldn’t pay for their father’s sins._

Actually, Podrick had thought that Jon Snow was acting as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch but sensing that something about the matter made her uneasy, he didn’t continue that line of inquiry.

Suddenly, a thought passed through Sansa’s mind, “Ser Podrick, would you say I’m a good Queen?” she whispered her question as her guards were behind them.

“...From what I’ve seen and heard I do, Ma’am. Honestly.”

Sansa nodded and threw her guards a look over her shoulder, a request for some privacy as Podrick and her continued walking and when they were far enough as not to be heard she spoke, _“I don’t_ ,” she admitted. “Keep this between the two of us but my main concern sometimes is not the people but my own safety... Bran knows, do you remember the words he sent with you?”

“… Yes.”

‘The North will continue to be independent as long as I am King, I promise, since you are doing a good job of unifying it, _and I know that_ , _among other things_ , you have the best interest of your people at heart, _which is the most important thing.’_

“I make an effort to serve my people well, to keep the Lords happy, to leave the Stark name high, but the main reason why I do all that is because that’s how I earn my own safety.”

He let that sink in, “...I think you’re over-thinking it. Your own safety will always be your priority, if you don’t have that, how will you help anyone else?”

_That wasn’t an answer she expected, seeing as he overlooked her selfishness._ “You’re right,” she lied since she didn’t see what use it would be to argue or explain herself better. _Wanting to have this conversation was a sign of weakness_. “Lord Stout and some of the men didn’t like you speaking up in the meeting today.”

Podrick nodded, _having expected her admonishing him because of it_ , “I apologize, I know it wasn’t my place to speak, Ma’am.” I’m just a Guard, not an advisor or your subject.”

Which marked a great difference in their status, _something she kept forgetting for some reason,_ “But I do consider your opinion, Ser Podrick, even if you’re not my subject I gave you permission to speak your mind, remember?”

Podrick surely remembered that conversation they had had while playing chess. _It seemed so long ago and not even a month had passed, since. S_ ince she wasn’t admonishing him he decided to tease her, “I’m an advisor for your wellbeing? You didn’t put it in those words but...” he let his words die as his eyes sought hers.

She smiled in return as her heart started beating hard and she felt a blush creep in, “...Yes, something like that.”

They came to a stop before the door to her chamber. His job was still to guard her though not to stand before her door, she had implied that when she ordered two of her Guards to do that job for the night. When she stepped inside the room he couldn’t help but look at her and he caught her attention because her eyes were seeking his too.

One of the guards shut the door, right then.

.

.

.

A select group of people were gathered in the Great Hall the following night.

She was accompanied by Lord Manderly and his granddaughter, the head of his army and of the Dustin army, Lord Stout, Palmer, her advisors —among which there was Lord Harry, whose leg had been injured– and of course, Ser Podrick, _the guest of honor, with everyone celebrating his heroism._

Lord Manderly was talking quietly with Lord Cromwell in a corner, “It’s not because I have great esteem for her and her family but I don’t see what those Lords wanted. I truly think there’s no one better to rule. And if there were, it was definitely _none of them_.

Lord Cromwell nodded, “At first I thought you were involved, My Lord.” he said and immediately saw the man flare up indignantly, “I apologize, my Lord, but financing such an attack requires deep pockets. And yours are the deepest in the North.”

Lord Manderly tried to tame his reaction to the man’s words and not to make a scene by bringing the cup of ale to his lips and taking a big drink, _“If I had had anything to do with it, it would have been better organized!_ Not some shitty men, doing a shitty job!”

Lord Cromwell admitted his mistake, “I Know, My Lord.” He refilled the cup to placate the man, “My most sincere apologies. Trust me, that was a personal opinion, which the Queen did not share. She even scolded me when I mentioned it.”

Lord Manderly took a deep breath as he remembered her distraught appearance in the wheelhouse; while Podrick Payne took a nap, he had been offering his hand in support and she took it gratefully as some tears fell down her cheeks. _Tears from relief, which she let fall once she felt safe beside him,_ “You listen and listen well, Lord Cromwell, _I’ll never act against House Stark.”_

At the other end of the room, Lord Harry decided to interject in another conversation, “It must have been uncomfortable to wear armor, Ma’am.”

Sansa had already thanked him for defending her during the attack and to continue doing so after she disappeared; after all, that wasn’t his job. “It was,” she admitted, she still had bruises on her legs and arms and a blister or two. “It made me further admire the way in which soldiers move so gracefully with all that weight on them, and I was only wearing a soldier’s armor, not a knight’s.”

“It makes me feel grateful that my man stabbed Ser Podrick and not you, Ma’am, the armor you were wearing was quite shoddy. _Don’t take that the wrong way, Ser Podrick.”_

“Well, your soldier didn’t kill me, so I won’t.” he said making some of the men smile.

“I’ll only say, my lords, that the one thing I’m taking with me is that I could get used to dressing like a man. Other than the chain mail and the armor, I found men’s clothes to be quite comfortable.” The Lords laughed loudly and she stole a gaze towards Podrick who smiled silently at her as he fixed her with his eyes.

Just for a second she thought of how ironic it was that she was worried sick, her soldiers were out there looking for retaliation but she was also enjoying the sense of security she felt with the people around her in that room. She was content and _at peace with her drastic decision_.

Or maybe the wine was lifting some of the weight off her shoulders.

Lord Manderly was the first one to retire, apologizing for his old age and aches and his granddaughter went with him. The commanders of the armies also retired, as well as some of her advisors. When Wylla came back only three advisors remained along with Lord Harry, The Queen and Podrick.

“You’re the big hero of the hour, Ser Podrick.” Lord Harry stated, unwilling to admit he was somewhat envious, i _f only he had chosen the other direction he would have be the one to save the Queen._

The soldiers already gave you a nick name: _The Queen’s Loyal Defender_.” Lord Cromwell said in jest.

Podrick blushed feeling embarrassed by the attention and he straightened up, “I don’t think _Snow_ will like to hear that.” he joked and he could tell it was funny to most of those present but specially her because the tiniest of smiles appeared on her face and it reached her eyes as she looked at him intently, _well_ , _it was the joke or the wine_ , “That is an over exaggerated name, _don’t you think, so Ma’am?_ We did nothing but run and hide.”

She wasn’t sure if those words were meant to remind her of the last night they had spent together and so it took her a few seconds to come up with something to say, “Running and hiding is much better than a heroic fight to the death, especially when _I’m_ involved,” _she was not made for fighting._

“You killed four or five men, Ser Podrick” Lord Harry remarked skipping over the Queen’s words. Four men outside the inn and another one in the house were they hid. _At least he had killed more and he reminded the table of it with his words._

“Oh, who’s counting, My Lord?” Podrick replied humbly, something he had learned from Brienne herself. Maybe he was slow on the uptake because it took him a moment to realize that what the Lord was trying to do was to highlight his _ten_ kills over Podrick’s _four or five._ He took a deep breath and he looked at Lord Cromwell and then at the Queen, “Ser Brienne once told me that there was _no honor_ in keeping count...” he said injecting distaste in his voice to shut the Lord up and when she nodded he went on, “And, frankly, there’s no interest either.” He then took two sips from his cup.

It was no secret to Lord Cromwell that Lord Harry was angry at Ser Podrick, and he was about to say something but the Queen beat him to it.

Sansa spoke after taking a sip of wine, “...I don’t think I would be standing here safe and sound if it wasn’t for you, Ser Podrick.”

Podrick’s heart set off with the way she was looking at him, _intently and with interest_ , he struggled to swallow and a heat washed over him. _She couldn’t be more tantalizing if she tried. Could she?_

Breathlessly he tried not to focus on the beautiful image she was presenting, the torchlight dancing on her, on her hair and her eyes fixed on him. he bowed as if to thank her to then look at Lord Harry and pretend to be interested in him and his injury, “I heard you injured your ligament?” was the only thing he managed to come up with.

Wylla took a sip of her wine whilst noticing once again the longing looks between the Queen and the Knight when they thought no one was watching. _And she couldn’t be the only one noticing them_ , so she took a close look around.

“With all due respect, Ma’am, are you aware that in certain circles, Ser Podrick’s presence by your side will bring a certain type of comments?” Lord Cromwell decided to interject; he certainly wasn’t worried about it, he knew the Queen’s character and that Ser Podrick abode by his vows, _but ill-intentioned people wouldn’t skip over that tidbit._

Lord Harry nodded, seizing the chance to get back at Ser Podrick for making him look bad before. “...It’s no secret that Ser Podrick _loves women_ and you’re the most desirable woman in Westeros.” Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see the knight getting uncomfortable, “The song writes itself. _Especially with his reputation._ ”

“ _What reputation?”_ Lady Wylla asked, her interest piqued.

Sansa didn’t address Lady Wylla’s question and neither did her advisors, “...I can’t control the rumor mill. And frankly, that’s not what’s keeping me up these days.”

“Whoever starts thinking that we were preoccupied with anything other than to survive, they’d be terribly wrong” Podrick Interjected, “Besides, _that sort of talk_ is as damaging for me as it is for her.

The silence stretched for a couple of moments until Sansa stood, making everyone else stand too. “If you’ll excuse me, I think the wine has gone to my head...” after a few steps she felt someone behind her and she turned to see Podrick walking toward her and her guards, _more kindle for the fire_ , she thought at his complete lack of tact. “Your services aren’t required, Ser Podrick. I told you, take the nights off.” she said but he continued walking with her and when she saw him throwing a look at the guards behind them she realized that he didn’t mean for them to listen to what he was about to say.

Sansa gestured to the soldiers to keep their distance while she and Podrick went a bit farther. They remained visible but they had made it into the yard.

“Lady Wylla knows that two nights ago I slept in your chambers.” he whispered, meaning to warn her as he hadn’t remembered to do so before. Their eyes met and Podrick couldn’t stop the thrill he felt when he saw her blush and the yearning in her eyes.

“...I’m aware…we had a chat about the impropriety of the situation...” a chat that seemed quite absurd, though she hadn’t said that to the woman, she had just gone along with it, “Lady Wylla means well. She just wants the best for me. The right thing for me... and for you too.”

_“For me?”_ he let out the air he had been holding, “…she doesn’t know about my reputation, once she does I’m not too sure she’s going to wish _the best for me_...”

“Trust me, you don’t have to worry. I know Lady Wylla, Ser Podrick.”

“...I hope you do, Ma’am” _he didn’t want to have a stain on his reputation as a Kingsguard_.

“And, if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of reputation was Lord Harry referring to?” she dared ask and he immediately turned red like she hadn’t seen him before, his neck, his face and even his ears seem to be about to explode, he mumbled something as he looked anywhere but at her, and Sansa couldn’t act serious anymore.

He saw her fight off a mischievous smile before lowering her head to chuckle quietly; _it was the first time he heard such a sound from her,_ “ _...You know?”_ he asked mortified.

Sansa nodded without facing him, _not that she fully believed_ _his reputation since she had reasons to doubt it._ But for now, she was very amused by his distress.

Podrick didn’t know what else to say; denying his reputation was impossible, saying he was ashamed of it would be lying because, though he was ashamed right then, he _had never_ felt that before. And the fact that she seemed to find it funny was oddly delightful _since it should have been something that made her uncomfortable._ He really couldn’t be more mortified.

She lifted her head again not expecting her eyes immediately meeting his and she felt more embarrassed; she averted his eyes before continuing, “...I assume you’re rather used to impressing women.”

_...And he found he could indeed be more mortified;_ she continued teasing and he continued blushing as he groaned, “ _You’re embarrassing me, Ma’am,”_ he was practically _begging her to stop._

His words and whining made it funnier to her, though she was growing aware of the heat rising in her, “...Somehow I don’t believe that.”

Podrick wasn’t sure how to take this moment, on the one hand her teasing was new and surprising and it thrilled him, _but couldn’t she pick another subject? One less personal? Something they could both make fun of?_ “...anyway, it wouldn’t be proper for me to discuss it with you.”

Her cheeks were burning as a pleasant bashfulness took over her, some yearning too, and as much as she tried to get serious she couldn’t quite erase the smile from her face, “I’m not looking to discuss it, Ser Podrick, I just meant to tease.”

“Ah... that makes me feel much better.” he answered jokingly and with a tentative smile that made hers bigger, which in turn made his widen even more, though he was still embarrassed, “...did you have a lot to drink, Ma’am?” _That was the only reason why she would be going about this so lightheartedly._

She was about to deny it, to say that she truly had had just three, four cups, tops and that when she said that the wine had gone to her head had only been an excuse to leave, but she decided it was better not to because then it _would really be improper_ for her be having this conversation with him. “I’m fine.”

They held each other’s eyes for a long beat and they slowly grew serious, Podrick swallowed and looked at her mouth.

Once more, Sansa found herself wanting, _yearning for_ _a kiss._

When his eyes went back to hers she held his gaze, an unrecognizable urge was taking hold of her chest, her stomach shrank and she was left breathless, she could see that he was too. She licked her lips unwittingly and he made the slightest of moves when her gazed strayed to the guards behind Podrick and it was _just then_ that she saw a flash of movement coming from where he was standing; she barely heard him biding her a good night before leaving her alone.

He had found himself getting lost in her eyes, inexorably lost but when she looked to the guards the spell was broken, it took him just an instant to feel certain that he wasn’t misinterpreting the signs, _he knew he couldn’t resist whatever it was she wanted from him_ , so he acted on an impulse, _“good night_ ,” he said in a rush as he left her behind before she could reply.

_She was a Queen. A Queen! She would never want to have something with him, she was confused. He knew it because he knew her._ Because he was confused too.

_Their minds were playing tricks on them; all of this was because of the events from the previous days, because of the attack; it was inevitable that their closeness would lead to feelings._ It was like a mirage. _They were safe now and those feelings would fade soon enough._

_To him, she would go back to being the unattainable, unreachable Queen and in contrast, he would go back to being a simple Kingsguard, unfit to even kiss the ground she walks on_.

_It was best to be prudent and not to make a mistake._

_Even if it was the sweetest mistake he’d ever want to make._

_And so had she._

He would need to have a strong will in the following days. H _e just knew it._

He knew it because, had they been truly alone he would have leaned in and kissed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to fangfaceandrea for the translation!
> 
> And guys, fangfaceandrea and I are writting a Podsa story! Very, very different to this one, way more happy and less dramatic, you should check it out! [Quarantine.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491416)


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, after being unable to find restful sleep, Podrick rose before sunup to join the soldiers in their morning training session; he actively participated when the moves weren’t too demanding on his injured arm and side. After running several laps around the yard while the soldiers did push-ups, he let the Commander of the Dustin army convince him to spar together.  
  
Podrick was very aware that everyone doubted his abilities as a warrior but truthfully, even though he wasn’t as outstanding as Ser Brienne, Jaime Lannister, Barristan Selmy or Jon Snow, Brienne had taught him very well in the art of swordplay and the various _you have improved but there is still a long way to go,_ he received from her were a high bar for his mentor. And after sparring with someone other than Brienne, he came to find that he was in fact quite a good swordsman.

The wound he sustained was on his left arm so it only stopped him from moving more gracefully, as did the wound on his right side, but he made an effort to show his skills to the Commander and he did even if he couldn’t attack as he would have wanted, he managed to dodge and block all the attacks against him. He could see the man starting to break a sweat and getting more and more frustrated.

Of course, eventually the weight of the sword started to bother him and he had to stop the sparring session when he felt a pressure on his back that reached his upper back, “...I apologize, my injuries are very recent and I think I’m overdoing it.” He explained breathlessly. The man looked at him intently before patting him on the shoulder.

Podrick saw the commander of the Manderly army walking towards them so he checked his arm and announced loudly that he thought he had broken a stitch, which stopped the man in his tracks before even asking him to spar with him. “If you are still in Winterfell for the next meeting of lords, we’ll train together.”

Podrick nodded to the man, _doubting such a day would come_ , “Of course.”

It was past mid-morning when he went back to his assigned room; he walked quickly keeping his head low, feeling ashamed of parading through the castle’s private apartments in filthy clothes. He was surprised to see guards by her door, who told him she was still resting, which he found odd because in Winterfell she used to be up by dawn. And while they weren’t in Winterfell, they had been at the fort for some days so it was expected that she would go back to her routine, “Has anyone checked in on her?” he didn’t know why his initial reaction was to be suspicious.

“... Of course, just a while ago someone brought out the breakfast tray.”

At the moment Podrick wasn’t over mistrusting the words, _he was being quite paranoid._ Even as he mentally kicked himself, he opted not to believe her own guard and he knocked on the door.

Lady Wylla opened the door a moment later taken aback and visibly disapproving of his muddy state but his attention wasn’t on her, it was on _Her Grace_ , who was sitting before a mirror as a young lady brushed her hair. She looked his way, curious as to who had been knocking and Podrick felt his throat tighten once her pretty features sharpened as soon as she recognized him.

_Was that anger in her eyes for leaving her alone the previous night? Yes, definitively._

But he also noticed how her cheeks redden just as Lady Wylla blocked her from his sight as she protectively closed the door leaving it ajar. He blushed as well, “...I... _I just_...I just wanted to make sure that... hmmm... that _Her Grace_ was alright.” _That wasn’t a lie._ He cleared his throat and tried to keep looking the Lady in the eye but his mind remained fixed on Her Grace. He fleetingly wondered if she was already aware of his reputation and what she might have said to _The Queen_ regarding her... _friendship_ with him.

She studied the man, her eyes going from head to toe remarking on the fact that she was making him uncomfortable. Not a few minutes ago she had been tried to convince _Her Grace_ not to offer him preferential treatment over her own guards, to make him leave the room next door to join the rest of the soldiers but the Queen had emphatically refused stating that she wasn’t about to be ungrateful and adding, with some gall, _that Wylla shouldn’t concern herself; she wasn't going to sneak him in her room again._

“...The Queen will be resting for a bit longer before going down to welcome the Knights of the Vale,” she let him know and he bowed his head to leave before she dismissed him. After shutting the door she turned to see the Queen with her head bent forward as Lady Lehna braided her hair. “That was Ser Podrick checking on you, my Queen.” The Queen simply nodded but the young lady’s smirk caught her attention and she raised a brow at her.

“...Ser Podrick is handsome and gallant,” she noticed that Lady Wylla didn’t offer back a complicit smile as she usually did to show her agreement in such matters. She didn’t elaborate as to why she was wrong either, which was unusual too.

Lady Wylla looked to the Queen but saw no reaction on her part to those words, just an air of disinterest, “Lady Lehna, may I remind you, we are not in the presence of my sister but of the _Queen in the North._ ”

She blushed in embarrassment “I’m sorry, my lady. My Queen, I didn’t... I didn’t mean–”

Sansa sighed, “It’s alright, Lady Lehna. There’s nothing to worry about... actually, if you ever come to Winterfell, remind me to introduce you to Lady Rose, I suspect the two of you would get along _rather well.”_

Lady Wylla noticed that Lady Lehna was still embarrassed and as she passed her by, she put a hand on her shoulder as to comfort her, _she just had to remember that she was in front of the Queen and not talk to her like they were old friends,_ “Those girls talking about handsome men nonstop? _I can feel a headache coming already_.” she said to the Queen, making her smile.

Podrick retired to his room thankful for the break _Her Grace_ had afforded him for the day, more than willing to enjoy the luxuries that came with such a room. There was warm water in the tub and food on the table. He chose to take a bath first and after eating he laid his beaten body on the _world’s most comfortable featherbed._ The Queen was a constant on his mind, a shadow that wouldn’t leave him even though he tried, and failed, to cast her away.

When he saw her again, she was looking better; more like the Queen she was and a part of him found ridiculous the notion that her army had gone to the trouble of carrying her trunks and chests with her entire array of clothing, _but he assumed that with her being a woman it would be essential._ She was wearing one of those dark, elaborate dresses that, along with the leather armor on her torso, cut an impressive and rigid figure, one that was distant and cold. When she threw a fleeting glance at him it hit him hard, his heart set off as he felt no small amount of intimidation, and worse than that, attraction.

_Had he looked at her before and found her to be as painfully gorgeous as he did now while she stood there looking so regal? He definitively hadn’t._

And to add kindle to fire, during the past days he hadn’t seen her as happy as she did when she saw Lord Royce dismount his horse and come toward her.

.

.

.

Later that night, Podrick found himself unable to sleep; after a while of trying but failing to do so, he decided to leave his room. He was alarmed when, as soon as he came out into the hallway he saw no guards standing by her door so he approached it and he knocked softly but got not answer in return... He dared to open it and found the room empty but he didn’t worry, he figured she would be having a meeting with Lord Royce...it might be quite late but the circumstances were unusual and grave.

He opted for going on a cold walk as he thought about the nonexistent news from Kings Landing. _Would it be too much to ask to be ordered not to go back to Winterfell with the Queen and to immediately set out southward instead?_ He climbed to the top of one of the walls and greeted the soldiers standing guard that he met along the way.

In all honesty, he knew he was making too much out of the sudden attraction he was feeling for her and he wondered if she was too, since it seemed to him that his interest was requited, _which only made it worse._

He felt a kind of unreal sense of victory at the thought, though; _after all, she was Sansa Stark! …So beautiful and unattainable._

A mutual attraction made it impossible for him to immediately shut down the possibility as he had been doing for over a decade. Right now he was enjoying playing out the fantasy of that _unlikely_ possibility.

The sense that it was mutual made him enjoy throwing her off balance, making her blush and making her nervous when he had called her gorgeous...

His mind was uselessly going in circles knowing that nothing but a few heated looks between them and a great deal of _temptation_ would come of this. _But this was reality, not a fantasy._

He was startled when, after a while, he heard a noise behind him only to find _her_ coming to his side.

_What was she doing?_ He wondered nervously when he realized that she had asked her guards for some space. Podrick swallowed as his heart sped up, he felt nervous and hot, “have you exchanged correspondence with your brother on these past few days, ma’am?” he asked as if to make nothing of the fact that she bothered to come and join him.

Sansa stepped beside him, looking down at the bailey and finding nothing but darkness and shadows under them, “...don’t worry, Ser Podrick, as soon as we reach Winterfell you’ll be free to go back to Bran’s side.” _That was something she wanted too_ , but she couldn’t hide the displeasure in her voice. And she knew the logistics were absurd; going to Winterfell first and then back south... but she wanted him beside her, escorting her back home _until she was completely safe._

The ice in her voice had him struggling to form words, _she really hadn’t appreciated him leaving her by herself the night before_ , “Don’t take it the wrong way, ma’am, what I wanted to know... what I keep wondering is, now that things happened... has he said more about the attack?... _did he know you’d be fine in the end?”_

“I know Bran enough to know that he won’t answer those questions. Besides, there are no ravens trained to fly to King’s Landing from here. It’s more likely that you’ll be the one asking him directly...” because of that, because he would soon vanish from her life she had decided to run with her curiosity, “In which case you’ll have to promise that you’ll send a raven with any information you manage to get out of him.”

_“I promise, Ma’am.”_ He breathed out, the tension between them had never been there before and it made him uncomfortable. He threw a sideway glance at her and since she didn’t go on, he did, “...I’m really going in circles with this, I mean, did he see that you were alone in his dream and that’s why he sent me or did he see that I was already with you?” he turned to see her gaze lost in the horizon and he took in her profile for a second. W _hy had the King sent him anyway? Was he aware of what was happening between them right then?_

_“_ I’m as lost as you are, Ser Podrick. _I’m trying not to think about it._ To pay mind to what matters most.” she turned to look at him, her heart was racing and thrumming through her body in anticipation of her request but it felt like an eternity, she could find neither the courage nor the words to ask. _She would have thought that fighting with herself and her fears had been enough but apparently it wasn’t; the embarrassing prospect of asking him for a kiss was worse._

“Did I mention that I didn’t see the green door at first?” they had talked very little those first days while on the run and he couldn’t remember addressing it on the third day. He threw a sideways glance to see her shaking her head, sighing as she lowered her head then looking back into the distance. He also noticed that she was gripping the wall’s banister with her hands. “I saw something moving from the corner of my eye ... something like your skirt flapping in the wind and when I checked and got close enough to that house I saw three ravens flying away. And there it was. _The Green Door.”_

  
_That was certainly Bran... which didn’t surprise her_. “I doubt you saw my skirt flapping in the wind. I was soaking wet.” she briefly wondered if Bran had been with them at other times in their journey. If he was there right at that moment, if he knew about her predicament about Podrick, if this is what he meant to trigger by sending _him_.

_Sadly, her brother was one of the few people of whom she didn’t know what to expect._

Podrick unwittingly turned to look at her, this time his eyes didn’t stay fixed on her face and instead they traveled her body. For just a few seconds he imagined himself standing behind her, his arms circling her small waist as his nose and mouth caressed her neck, her jaw, her cheek, dreaming that she would let him do it as they both joked and whispered silly things to each other.

_He was and idiot for thinking those things._

“Isn’t that bodice hurting you?” he asked absentmindedly and he found himself on the receiving end of a shocked look. He was immediately chastised, “a few days ago you said that it felt good not to wear those because of your back.” _He would have liked not to notice that she wasn’t wearing them,_ but that particular article of clothing and the armor she wore tended to enhance her figure. “...I’m just saying it can’t be comfortable...”

At first a part of her was appalled at the question because he was asking about an undergarment, something intimate, not something men usually asked about but his winded explanation made her realize her reaction might have been too much. “...I rather feel uncomfortable than unsafe.”

After a couple minutes of silence he turned to her once more and she held his gaze, they both visibly blushed, aware of the other’s train of thought, but she sighed softly as though something was amiss, _which didn’t help is emotions one bit._ Her eyes went to his lips and rushed back to his eyes. He shook his head slightly, decided to talk and get this over with once and for all. “Ma’am–”

“–Come with me, Ser Podrick,” she said and turned without waiting for him as she summoned some courage against the knot on her throat and her hesitation, _but she didn’t want to miss her chance,_ she just wasn’t sure how to best express what she wanted. _It wasn’t like her to have all these emotions, least of all the doubt, so to put an end to it, she decided to act._

Podrick was aware that the guards weren't following them as they walked on the opposite direction; back into the castle through a dark, narrow corridor. He couldn’t help testing the waters, “…even if your guards are on rotation they’ll begin to suspect that something’s going on between us if you keep asking for privacy when you are with me.” with his heart racing in his chest, he waited a few beats for her to admonish him, to say that _nothing_ was going on but there was only silence. He studied her as she walked decidedly ahead of him; he skirt kept waving from her speed. _He was filled with yearning and hesitation_. “Where are we going?”

“...I had a sudden urge for wine.” _That much was true._

Podrick spoke as low as he could, “...We shouldn’t be alone,” for once he wasn’t thinking about the gossip, he was thinking about what _could happen_ once they were.

She was apprehensive and she wanted to back down but she looked over her shoulder feeling her hands cold and shaky, and she gripped her needle, “No, _we shouldn’t._ ”

She wished to be more upfront with him, to ask him outright if he truly didn’t want to be alone with her but her courage was lost between the heaviness in her stomach and her racing heart. _She was someone who had been making morally questionable decisions for years and yet it was this situation that was making her hesitant and unable to act._

Podrick was aware that he could be an idiot; that he could be misinterpreting all this but he knew women and he sincerely doubted that he was misreading her signals, _even if she was the complete opposite of the women he knew._

He stayed silent while they reached a small room, the same room where he had talked with Lord Manderly. She strode to a corner of the room and came back with a bottle and two cups, she handed him the bottle so that he’d open it. “Whatever you’re thinking, Ma’am, _no_ ,” he warned.

She found herself blushing even more and smiling, probably from the nerves, “...You don’t know what I’m thinking.”

He looked down at her hands to see them shaking, “I might have an idea,” she mistook his glance at her hands in a silent request for the cups so she handed them to him, “I might be wrong.” he finished as she sat at the table and while he did the same, he noticed she downed the wine in just a few gulps. He refilled her cup and did the same with his.

She was aware that he wasn’t comfortable either, which she found odd what with his reputation, and _for the first time_ , it struck her that maybe because of that reputation he was assuming that she wanted _much more_ that she actually did. Summoning courage from somewhere unknown, she tried to explain herself even as she blushed profusely, “Just a kiss... nothing more,” she felt breathless, “not two or three... _just one_.”

_Shit,_ the triumphal feeling that coursed through him when he heard that made him grin like a fool on instinct and as soon as he realized what he was doing he tried to erase the smile from his face but he wasn’t quite able to. It wasn’t like he was hoping for more than a few kisses but having proof of it was... _he had no words to describe it._

She swallowed as she noticed that he was pleased but remained silent, “I know this is bold of me but I remember you asking me to be real with you...”

Podrick took a deep breath, “You’re an incredibly beautiful woman, Ma’am but–”

“– _But?_ Jon told me once that everything before a but is...bull.” Right then she though it ironic that she couldn’t bring herself to swear, that she still clung to her Lady facade despite what she was proposing, “I know you’re not indifferent to me...”

_No one could be indifferent to her_ , Podrick smiled awkwardly and as he looked at the table, “Not at all, Ma’am,” he looked into her eyes daring to be upfront as upfront with her as she was being, “You are a very beautiful woman. I’d dare say the most beautiful one I’ve ever met. _But_ , you are also _The Queen_ , and accepting would be disrespectful.”

Of course, Sansa had anticipated the possibility of a _second_ refusal but she realized she hadn’t come really prepared for it; she took a sip of wine to buy herself some time and to take stock of the multitude of feeling and thoughts currently racing through her mind. “...Or it would be disrespectful to refuse me.” She said jokingly, _he really knew his place. A place she had somehow forgotten and continued to dismiss._

An amused sigh left Podrick, “Refusing you isn’t easy, Ma’am, _believe me._ You’re impressive, gorgeous and your words are tempting and flattering, but I can’t accept,” they kept their gaze on each other, studying each other. “I’m afraid you might be confused.”

She sipped on some wine, _“Why confused?”_

Podrick placed his hand on the table as he fought the urge to hold hers, “Because what you are feeling might be an illusion. We just came out of a life-or-death situation where we could only rely on each other to survive. That messes with emotions, fleeting new feelings can arise, I can’t take advantage of that... _even if deep down inside I want to_.” But a kiss was just a kiss, _right? He wouldn’t be breaking his oath_.

She had considered that, “...I understand very well what you’re saying, Ser Podrick, and I respect you for it. And yet...” she licked her lips, “I know what I’m asking sounds bold, and that insisting makes me look bad but I want you to _understand_ something, in confidence; this is the first time in my life that I feel like this,” she paused to control her breathing but it didn’t work, _she had never talked about this with anyone before._

She spoke pausing often, becoming more breathless with each phrase, “For years I’ve been asking myself if there might be something wrong with me, if my experiences ruined me. If Joffrey, Lord Bolton, Lord Baelish damaged me beyond repair... so, my trusting in you enough to make me feel things that are new and strange to me... to ask for a kiss is not a trivial matter, it doesn’t stem from a curiosity to explore a sensation... it’s more like trying to find if there’s something of the person I once was... trying to find hope to overcome my past...”

It wasn’t easy for her to talk about all of this but she soldiered though, “So you can see how I’m not really interested in deciding whether my feelings for you are fleeting...an illusion, as you said.”

He remained attentive as she spoke, her eyes kept going from his to the table and back. Podrick couldn’t help but feel pity, he _believed_ that he felt and understood what she was saying but he wasn’t sure if he should speak his thoughts in regards to her situation, after all she wasn’t one of his friends.

Once again, he felt compelled to lower his hand to hers, _but it wasn’t proper_. “If I may, Ma’am, I know it might be inappropriate to talk to you how I’m about to,” he paused and leaned a bit forward, “give yourself a chance, don’t surround yourself with solitude and trust people... I’m sure you’ll discover something to help you... I’m not sure how to put it... carry _your burden?_ ”

Neither one seemed to be able to hold the other’s eyes, “...That’s what I’m doing with you, Podrick.” She didn’t want to keep on showing him her vulnerabilities or seem like she was pleading, so as to accept his refusal, she was about to thank him for his words, stand and leave but before she made her move, she was stopped on her track by the feel of his hand reaching out and stopping just an inch from hers.

Her eyes fixed on his.

“...If I may...” he said before daring to touch her.

She briefly thought how silly it was that he was asking for permission when she was the one asking for a kiss. But she also remarked on how proper that gesture was, not only because socially she was his better but because of the likelihood of a bad reaction on her part if any other man touched her without her permission. She nodded tentatively and she looked to her own hand seeing how his just reached out and caressed her softly over the glove.

“...I’m not worthy of your attention.” he looked at her for a few seconds and then he stopped. He slowly took off his gloves first to let her know of his intentions and when he once again took her hands in his she didn’t reject his move; moments later he was caressing her directly on her soft skin, “I don’t know what I’m doing, ma’am.” He whispered apprehensively as he dragged his thumbs over her knuckles. _He had never felt apprehensive with a woman, before._

_And her skin was so soft and smooth..._ He knew he would make a mistake if he looked at her face so he continued focusing on her hands.

“...Well, I know even less.” She whispered feeling the heat rising with all the _reverence_ he was displaying as he touched her. Still, he was avoiding looking at her and he made no move to kiss her, which told her that this caress didn’t mean his mind had changed. “... I can’t remember the last time someone touched me...” after a few second it was her who put her had on top of his and started to stroke him making him gasp, surprised.

“Solitude may only be healed through touch.” ...She made no reply; instead, she continued touching him and Podrick got lost in the sensation as it had been a long while since someone had touched him like that too. 

_Not that he could remember anyone having touched him in such an innocent manner before._ He had laid with plenty of women but he had never experienced feeling actual affection from them or for them. Suddenly, his chest constricted, not with desire or pity for her but because of the realization of what she was making him feel; _a connection._ _More than just a connection._

_It was either that or he was truly starved for female attention_ , he told himself somewhat mockingly, just to avoid considering the possibility that he might only be a step away from falling for her.

_That would be a mistake._

His thoughts were interrupted when she turned over his hand to caress the callouses on his palm, the contrast against her smooth, lush skin embarrassed him, “It’s because of the sword and other weapons,” feeling awkward, he took her hands in his again.

Sansa nodded acknowledging the truth in his word; her father’s hands were like that, Arya’s and Jon’s too, Robb’s too, most likely, though she didn’t remember them... _She didn’t want to think about her family right then_ , “Is it true that you keep your vows to my brother?”

Podrick exhaled and dared to seek her eyes, he let out a whine at the intensity of her gaze and he licked his lips, “believe me, Ma’am, if I didn’t I would be kissing you.”

She didn’t quite know why she was smiling, maybe because of the whining in his voice, _as though his decision weighted heavy on him_ , “It’s a chastity vote and I’m only asking for a kiss.”

She couldn't help but tense up at the seductive tone of her own voice, which surprised her, made her fluster. Her face was burning up, _this wasn’t like her!_ One of the hands holding her left her and he rubbed his closed eyes adamantly.

_And how could he say no to something like this? “...you’re killing me here, Ma’am.” Had he ever wanted a kiss as badly as he wanted this one?_ Again, he lowered his hand to hers trying for nonchalance. “It might be innocent, yes... but not to me. If I’m honest, and to my shame, if I toe this line, I’m afraid I’m going to cross it later on...”

_An issue she lacked because to her that was unthinkable_ , “You do think a lot of yourself, don’t you?” she asked, “you won’t talk me into more than one kiss, Ser Podrick, _believe me_.”

At that, they smiled at each other. Only one kiss, _not two or three_. “You know what I meant...”

_...Crossing the line later on with a woman who wouldn’t set any bounds.._. the thought didn’t upset her or made her jealous, which relieved her; _he had sneaked under her defenses but not into her heart._

Rationally, Sansa understood why Podrick was rejecting her, which made the situation more palatable. “...I hate that I’m begging, that’s not what I meant to do,” she admitted and tried to let go of him, _she’d take his touch and this moment with her_ , but he tightened his hold on her as he shook his head.

“...I don’t see it as begging, Ma’am. Quite the opposite, I’m embarrassed to think I’m insulting you with my refusal.” He licked his lips and he took a deep breath, “please understand that if I were to accept, I’d feel like I’m taking advantage of your weakness and needs... _even more so now I know what a kiss means to you._ It wouldn’t be right of me to take advantage of this...illusion... I care for you, I respect you... and certain things may be said about me, but I’m not dishonorable.”

She would have liked to be unencumbered, to be able to discern whether or not Podrick’s words were honest but at the moment she could only see a man trying to be honorable. “...Don’t worry, Ser Podrick, I won’t insist more. I respect your decision.” Foolishly, she was feeling _so much_ disappointment.

_All the thought she had given it, all the effort she put into asking him... and for nothing._

Podrick almost thanked her for stopping. He leaned towards the table and he brought her hand to his lips to very respectfully kiss each of her knuckles, taking that for himself, _at least,_ and unknowingly giving her a taste of affection she hadn’t experienced before. “In my life, I’ve never wanted as kiss as badly as I want yours, Ma’am. Just know that.” he kissed the back of her hand again before softly placing it back on the table and finally releasing her.

They stayed that way for a few moments, looking at each other before slowly drinking the last of the wine in their cups.

She then put on the glove back without a rush. _Did he realize that his affectionate display would cement his presence in her mind?_

Right there she was only able to see a great man in front of her, someone she was coming to appreciate _more intensely._ _With fervor and a heaviness that hadn’t been there ten minutes ago._ “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re playing with me.”

He saw her eyes grow colder a bit but the way her eyes kept seeking his told him that was just a bluff, _“and you with me, Ma’am.”_

She raised her eyebrows at that as she retracted her arms and sat straighter, going back to her role of Queen, “I’d doubt that, I’m not the one with experience in these matters...” clearly, her words surprised him.

_Well, yes... but he couldn’t let that slide,_ “you know how to subtly use your charms, _ma’am_ , even if it isn’t on purpose.”

She blinked, “You know I wasn’t using _my charm_.” instead she was showing him her weakness, the fact that he thought it was calculated felt paradoxical.

  
He nodded as he stood, knowing that the longer he stayed the easier it would be to go back on his decision, _“...and yet, you just made sure to have me eating from the palm of your hands from now on._ ” H _e certainly wasn’t cleverer that those lords she managed to manipulate with a chat, a smile or a dance._ After a few seconds without a reply from her, he bowed respectfully, “Shall we go look for the guards, ma’am?”

Sansa shook her head, “I’ll stay here for a few more minutes.” he was about to argue but she shook her head again, “if you want, you can tell them where I am,” she could see that he didn’t like leaving her alone for much longer.

Podrick hesitated before he left, “Please don’t drink too much.” he dared request at last. _That was bold of him._

Sansa frowned but as soon as she looked at him she realized that he was concerned because of her issues from the past and from knowing that she sometimes tried to forget them with wine. “Trust me, it doesn’t happen often.”

_He wanted to believe her_ , “You have had plenty to worry over in the past few days.”

“ _Podrick._ ” Sansa admonished as she lifted her eyes to see him nod, sigh and leave.

Then, she was left in utter silence and solitude. She took a deep breath. _She felt so disappointed by how things ended, by his rejection_.

“ _It’s for the best_ ,” she told herself as she finished the wine and as she tried to find comfort in her solitude, “ _fewer problems in the long run._ ” Even said out loud, the words did nothing to convince her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to fangfaceandrea for her amazing translation!


	9. Chapter 9

The previous afternoon, Sansa had changed her mind about the Knights of the Vale. If she hadn’t, they would be riding to Winterfell right then but she had chosen to give them a full day of rest instead. _It was the least she could do, after all, they owed her nothing_ , it was her who had to be thankful for the loyalty and the esteem Lord Royce felt towards her.

And then, in the morning, when she had run into Podrick, neither one was able to hold the other’s eyes without blushing and making and effort to ignore the other.

She was embarrassed and he was... _who knew? Probably ashamed of having refused her._ Last night she had resolved not to think about it anymore but it seemed _it was all she could think about._ Even as she tried to busy herself and focus on the realm’s matters, she didn’t quite manage it.

The only thing that helped her set the matter aside was when, at noon, two ravens arrived with the news that two houses had already gotten rid of their traitorous lords and that they were more than willing to pledge their houses to her. “What will we do with their castles? Who will we sit there?” she asked her advisors.

“I have a list here, Ma’am,” Lord Cromwell said as he handed her two scrolls.

She nodded as she looked at the list, pleased to see the name of one of her best liked lords heading it. _A reward for loyalty._ Still, she worried about how near-by towns would welcome their new lords. “Make sure that they don’t leave the heads on the walls for over two days” _she couldn’t remember if she had said that to her army._

“After this attack, Ma’am, I think it be a good idea to increase the number of soldiers in your army. It’d be the prudent thing to do.”

Finding more men willing to risk their lives wasn’t impossible but it wasn’t easy, “I was thinking about what you said a few months ago about Arya and Ser Brienne’s popularity making women want to train or enlist, we could take advantage of that when we recruit.”

“And we’ve said that would bring more troubles than solutions.”

“...Well, It’s worth a try at least.”

“Ma’am are you proposing a women-only army?”

“No. But I also know how most men think so we would have to think about it more before implementing it.”

“The first and second squads of the Army already left for Winterfell, Ma’am. They canvassed the roads and they’ll be waiting for you at the chosen strategic points.”

“Some lords are planning on visiting Winterfell after your arrival to celebrate and pledge themselves to you again, Ma’am.”

_“Oh, there’s no need for that_ , we’ll have our quarterly meeting in two months, they can do it then if they wish. Let them know I appreciate their intentions but that now I want to focus on the consequences of the attack.”

The meeting continued along those lines.

.

.

.

In those days, Her Grace used to break her fast in her room and then have lunch with her advisors and whoever wanted to be in her presence. But on that particular day she didn’t have lunch with her advisors or the lords and Podrick thought it might be to avoid him.

That’s why he found himself once more being welcomed among the lords’ table and sharing a meal with them, “I can’t think of asking anything in return for having helped her, my lord,” he answered Lord Cromwell.

“ _Ah!_ Ser Podrick, if you were _Her Grace’s_ subject, you’d be named a Lord right about now, you’d be claiming one of those castles that will soon be emptied.” _That was an exaggeration, though._

“That’s quite generous, My Lord. But I’m a Kingsguard; I can’t own lands or hold titles.”

_“Or have a family,_ ” added another lord, “Listen to me, you lose nothing by giving up your post. You already earned one here in the North.”

Podrick smiled at them as he tipped his cup in appreciation for their words though he wasn’t sure _Her Grace_ was aware of exactly how they were trying to show their gratitude.

“You don’t quit the Kingsguard, you die serving... leaving the Guard would be dishonorable, so, _My Lord_ , I wouldn’t exactly be praised for it.”

 _Things were as they were_ , even in the North where those Southern traditions were absent. He knew he had _made his point when that stopped the lords from going discussing the matter further_.

Suddenly, a lady’s maid came into the room and interrupted them asking him to come with her, saying that Lord Royce was calling on him. Podrick immediately stood and set out to find the lord but when he got there the man wasn’t alone, Lord Harry and _Her Grace_ were with him.

She was sitting behind the desk. He noticed her blushing as she bowed her head in greeting, just as he was blushing while shaking Lord Royce’s hand in a more solemn greeting than the one he offered when the man first arrived.

Lord Harry stood in front of a window as he took in the landscape while he listened to the praises for the man who, in his own words said that the only thing he had done was hiding and avoiding a fight in those first hours only to run away later. _And he, he who had killed over eight of their enemies and who would surely carry an injury for life was being ignored by everyone._ Not that he was looking for praise; he just wanted an acknowledgment for his efforts.

From her reflection on the window he could see she wasn’t paying attention to the men as she was rather focused on a scroll, and he figured she too was getting annoyed at the adulation for the guard.

Sansa was listening without paying too much attention, mostly she remarked on the fact that the two men had seen each other a couple of times after Robyn’s wedding. That’s how she found out that Lord Royce had been in close contact with Lord Tyrion, Lord Bronn and her brother.

It was that which made her raise her eyes to them but they didn’t say anything to reveal why those meetings had taken place. Unexpectedly, Lord Royce patted Ser Podrick on the back with enough force to push him forward like he was doll, it clearly hurt because he emitted a yelp as his eyes closed in discomfort.

“Ma’am, you couldn’t have had anyone better than Ser Podrick by your side.”

Podrick feigned a smile at Lord Royce but he was still reeling from the pat he had just endured. _It had hurt._ He saw that _Her Grace_ offered Lord Royce a cold and polite smile before lowering her eyes to the scroll once more.

“Ser Podrick Payne, _a brave, gentle and strong man_.”

Out of nowhere those words struck Sansa with the memory of her father and Arya, and _with how stupid she had been as a child._ She tried not to show she was startled as she thought about her father, who _certainly_ wouldn’t have thought about someone like _Podrick Payne_ for her.

He was brave, that much was true. Gentle too, _maybe too gentle_ , she thought mischievously, but, _hadn’t it been his gentleness what first made her take notice of him?_ And as for strong? _Maybe it was because he was gentle that he didn’t appear to be strong._

No, Podrick wasn’t what came to mind when she pictured a brave, gentle and strong man. _But he was_. And as she thought about it she felt herself blushing... oh, _thanks to Lord Royce she had even more things to consider about Podrick._

Lord Royce took a hold of Podrick and shook him with emotion, “ _and you, Ser Podrick, earning the trust of not just a King but a Queen too?”_ Admirable. Truly admirable. Won’t you tell me how you did it?”

Although Podrick didn’t like the man’s roughness, he appreciated his words so _he smiled,_ “...like they don’t already have you in their highest esteem, my lord...” he tried not to throw a glance at her and failing, only to find her averting his eyes, which made him feel awkward again.

“...Oh Ser Podrick, _certainly not in the same way as you._ ”

Lord Harry got lost in thought as he listened, he didn’t like how friendly and familiar the Lord was with the guard, _too friendly in his opinion; he should at least look down on Podrick for all the gossip about him and the Queen two years ago after his daughter’s wedding to Robin Arryn._

When he came back to the conversation, Lord Royce was now praising the Queen, “Careful Lord Royce, if someone hears you they may say you’re a traitor to the southern Crown.” he joked, because, though the man was subject of the King, there was no doubt that he’d prefer to be the Queen’s.

“ _Oh, my friend,_ the King himself knows about my predilection. _Sansa Stark_ has become a formidable woman in my eyes. I always carry her and her father in my heart.”

Sansa lowered the scroll feeling that it was appropriate, _required_ , to intervene, “During your time at Winterfell you were a mentor and a guide, Lord Royce, I’ll always be thankful to you. Even more so now that you bothered coming to–”

“It was no bother at all, Ma’am. It was only what duty called for. Believe me, not knowing what had become of you was far worse. _The whole of Westeros was on edge.”_

She bowed her head. Had he been anyone else, Sansa would doubt his words but she knew him to be sincere; she was in his highest esteem and her throat closed as she acknowledged it. _She’d like to ignore the fact that she had been feeling emotional since last night. “Thank you, Lord Royce, for everything you’ve done for me.”_ she was being completely sincere right then.

Lord Royce smiled, pleased, feeling a melancholic kind of affection for the Queen. After a few moments he turned to Ser Podrick again, “I’ll be honest, Ser Podrick, I used to hold you in high regards because of your character and hard work but I did think your position as a Kingsguard was only due to being the Lord Commander’s protégé _but now_!” he shook his head, “you have proved your worth, my friend.”

Lost in his effusiveness, Lord Royce didn’t realize what he was saying could be taken as an offense. _Podrick silently nodded along, he was used to people thinking the same and he often thought about himself in those terms_ , Sansa thought.

“I’m glad to have proven myself to you, my lord.” he stated a bit hesitant as he looked to _Her Grace,_ who also seemed to think that doubting his abilities wasn’t something the man should have done.

He took a breath as he remembered talking about it in her room. Suddenly he felt three hard slaps on his back that knocked the air out of him before finding himself wrapped in a short but tight embrace.

_“…Oh, Ser Podrick, Ser Podrick, Ser Podrick…”_

“ _Ugh, my lord, please! Remember my wound!”_

Despite what happened between them the previous night, Sansa couldn’t help but be amused by the exchange and by seeing Ser Podrick get free only to grab hold of the back of a chair and lean on it like an old man, obviously pleased by the compliments but in pain.

Podrick didn’t want to make a big deal of the injury _but he couldn’t help it._ Except, he forgot about it as soon as he opened his eyes to see a lopsided smile on her face that set his heart off and made _everything else disappear_ , he blushed but felt _lighter because she wouldn’t be mocking him like this if she was really angry_ , he mirrored her smile.

After a moment he saw that she was flustered and she tried to cover it but he could only stare at her more and swallow, though by _now he was gripping the seat just to avoid throwing himself at her feet with a thousand apologies._

With interest, Lord Harry saw Her Grace and Ser Podrick smiling at each other on the reflection on the window, it was a calm sort of exchange that he had never seen on her. He turned intending to witness it more clearly but as soon as they felt him move, Ser Podrick straightened and looked another way while her face hardened and her eyes sought the scroll once more. _What was all that about?_ He wondered exasperated.

Lord Royce continued his tirade after Ser Podrick had gotten a hold of himself, “...and not just to me but before to the North. To her. To the King, _to everyone_.”

He could sense Lord Harry studying him closely, “Again, I thank you, My Lord.” he replied to Lord Royce as he made an effort not to look at her.

Lord Harry studied them for a few minutes and saw nothing of concern; _of course they were more comfortable around each other after what had happened..._ but then, on the reflection he saw Podrick’s eyes seek hers again for a couple of seconds as Lord Royce went on speaking.

“From now on, you’ll have to keep Ser Podrick by your side, ma’am... _if I’m not mistaken, didn’t you once tell me he also helped you in your escape for Castle Black?_ ”

“I was just aiding Ser Brienne, my lord.” Podrick interjected.

Lord Harry wasn’t able to stop the feeling of animosity that invaded him as the Guard kept dismissing his many feats.

Sansa nodded to Lord Royce without speaking a word, i _t seemed like the word was conspiring to showcase Podrick’s attributes at her at every turn._

_._

_._

_._

Podrick was finalizing the details of their departure with the soldiers in the middle of the afternoon; they were planning the cavalry’s formation, the stops where they and the horses would rest, he doubled checked the state of the two wheelhouses; Lord Manderly’s, who would be leaving with them and Lady Barbrey’s, who had lent hers. But even with how busy he was, he couldn’t get her completely off his head. _He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before, or even get any rest and she had seen to that._

As he walked to the kitchen, he took notice of the servants arranging the bushels of grain that were needed for the journey, grain that she’d have to return, _every favor came with a price regardless of who it was for._ He took the longest path to the stables, the one that went along the walls surrounding the castle when he seemed to find her in the distance, which made him slow down and come to a stop as he observed her. She was sitting on a blanket near a windmill, there were five soldiers surrounding her but at a distance, _enough to give her the illusion of privacy._

He was still reeling from her innocent proposal, from the way in which she had opened up her emotions to him. Life had been cruel to her and her soul was still haunted, _it wasn’t just a kiss for her. Or a thrill to chase after._ That had made the situation feel heavier and he’d be lying if he said that it hadn’t stopped him from fulfilling his own desires... somehow it had been both intimidating and moving.

_What would it mean to her if after the kiss her ghosts and fears stayed with her?_

Podrick couldn’t stop thinking about the damage she carried with her, not only in her memories but in her very present scars, about all the abuse she had endured.

A part of him reminded him that he had been but a boy in Kings Landing, a boy who couldn’t have done anything to stop the beatings ordered by King Joffrey but he could admit to himself that he had hidden behind his positions as a servant, one who didn’t see or hear a thing.

He couldn’t have done anything when she was Lord Bolton’s prisoner in Winterfell either; although, at the time Brienne and he never actually heard rumors about the man’s true nature... And even if they had, they still would have needed a real chance to rescue while she suffered night and day.

Maybe Podrick had still been too innocent because he only had an inkling of the kind of man Bolton had been when he heard her reading the letter he sent to Jon Snow where he threatened to make him watch as his soldiers raped his sister. _And even then..._ he didn’t mean to wash his hands off the whole thing, _it’s just that at the time he had been unable to help her and it had only pulled on his conscience for the first time last night._

He was certain that she didn’t want his pity and yet he could do nothing but feel that for her.

He took a deep breath as the cold wind hit his face. She was closed-off but she had opened herself _to him._ He had gotten a glimpse of what those men had done to her to have her talking of damage beyond repair, to suffer from anxiety fits strong enough that her masters would medicate her, or _those few times_ she drank wine to forget about it all...

_A kiss meant too much considering her past._

He hadn’t been lying when he said he was flattered; the fact that _she_ wanted _him_ to kiss _her_? That was as high as a man could aspire to in these matters. She was _Sansa Stark,_ and he was a plain knight from a minor house and _he had been invisible to her until a few months ago._

...The innocent touches on their hands last night.

_The candid way in which her eyes fixed on him_ was, to a point, what made him rethink the whole thing _, since he still was hesitant._ But being unable to get her out his head was an indication that he should just act.

If he took the chance and apologized, if he admitted that he had been a fool for not giving into her request, he _might_ just get that wishful kiss. His pretenses of sticking to his Kinsguard’s oath were behind him now because she had spoken the truth, a kiss would not mean he’d break it.

She would be the most beautiful and _formidable_ woman he will have kissed. Someone he had had on a pedestal since he was a young man.

After Ser Brienne, she was the woman he had come to respect — _and appreciate?_ — the most; it was either that or he was completely overwhelmed by the situation that had brought them to this point.

_He was a man and men were stupid_ , wise words from Ser Brienne. _Stupid enough to reject her._

_He still couldn’t believe that he was the one eliciting those feelings and sensations she hadn’t experienced before._ That she could have any man she wanted falling at her feet and it was him whom she trusted.

_A kiss. She’d settle for one kiss._

_He would too._

_And a hug. And with telling her that there was nothing wrong with her. Because there absolutely wasn’t. She was outstanding._

_Intimidating too, but mostly outstanding._

Since he wouldn’t be interrupting one of her meetings, he decided to seize the chance and he made his way to where she was, slowly but with determination in his step. A voice in his head told him he was making a mistake, that she wouldn't appreciate his advances after having rejected her, _but not taking the risk seemed like a worse option._

Her eyes were set on him as he approached but she seemed aloof, he couldn’t tell if he was welcomed or not _though he suspected he was_. “Worried about our departure, Ma’am?” he asked, careful not to ask for too much too soon.

_There was no point in lying, “...Somewhat_.” she answered, waiting to hear why he had come to look for her, she was not expecting that.

“...No one on their right mind would try to attack the army that’s marching with you.”

_She knew that, she also knew that there was always a chance things would go wrong_... “For security reasons you’ll be riding with me on the wheelhouse.” She was a bit embarrassed to ask that after last night. _Not that she was asking, she was ordering._

He bowed his head and after a pause, he asked nervously, “May I join you now, Ma’am?” he gestured to the ground in front of her but keeping some distance which surprised her.

After a few moments he was audacious enough to sit before she had acquiesced and he decided to go straight to the point, “... I think you might not want to hear what I want to say, Ma’am, but I wanted to tell you that I reconsidered. I can’t get you out of my head...” he whispered, even though he knew that the soldiers wouldn’t be able to hear them. She immediately blushed and sat straighter, which pleased him despite himself, “ _Honestly, I’ve been thinking about you for days.”_

Sansa looked around, making sure no one was listening and clearly surprised by his change of heart. Her heart was beating fast, “... I can’t deny that a part of me was relieved by your refusal.” _that was the truth_.

Podrick couldn’t help but let out a sound of dismay; _reason had told him that this would happen_ , he swallowed, _“and that other part of you?”_ when she didn’t answer, he continued, “...I know I’m a fool. Making _you_ feel rejected only to come searching for you again...” _to come begging._

Sansa mumbled, unable to form words, she had reconsidered too, _or at least she thought she had._ But now she was happy to listen to his words even if she was a bit confused, too.

He wanted to touch her, had they been alone he’d ask for permission to hold her hand as he tried to convince her and somehow she seemed to read his intentions because she pulled her arms back towards her. “I’ll understand if you changed your mind.”

She lowered her eyes to her skirt to either stop him from reading into her reaction or to play hard to get. _He had never, nor would he ever be able to kiss or touch a woman like her. S_ he definitively was the most beautiful one that he would have in his life and _the most striking one too._

And as much as he wanted to kiss her, he equally wanted to give her what she wanted; to show her that there was nothing wrong with her, _what was wrong was those men..._

Sansa sighed as her eyes rose to meet his, “I’m not too certain of what I want, truly.”

“You seemed pretty certain last night,” he said cheekily which seemed to rattle her and _that was definitely not his intention._

She struggled to find the words, “a front, Ser Podrick. I made a great effort to say all the things I did, yesterday.” she exhaled, “ _You have no idea ... I don’t usually act like that._ ”

_Oh but he did_. “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot...” he expected her to call him on it but she didn’t, “and um,” he felt a blush creep in, “I’m glad that you felt comfortable enough with me to let all those things out, letting me see that side of you makes me appreciate you even more.”

It was Sansa’s turn to blush and to avert her eyes, “I wasn’t exactly letting things out more like urging you to...” she left the rest die in the air, unable to finish the sentence and feeling there was no need for it, anyway.

“...Still, you confided in me.”

Sansa wanted to drop the subject, “...That doesn’t change the fact that I’m unsure of everything. All of this confuses me.”

“Me too, don’t think it doesn’t.” he admitted and she took his words to heart. “We both know that we shouldn’t be playing this game...” since she was still listening to him, since she hadn’t stood and left thus closing the door to this once and for all, he hoped he still had a chance, so he had to be extremely careful.

Therefore, it was best to say as little as possible about the web of confusion in his mind, “...The only thing I know, Ma’am, and I mean it, is that, if you reject me now, this will be the biggest regret I’ll take to my grave.”

Her eyebrows rose to her hairline in surprise and disbelief, “ _There’s no need to exaggerate,_ ” she said unthinkingly, “...and if rejecting me is your worst mistake then you should be thankful with the life you got...”

_That should have been his first sign that she wasn’t as romantically taken with him as he was with her._

“I am...” he replied as he kept his eyes on hers, _he hadn’t suffered too much in his life,_ “I can’t give you a reason as to why I want to kiss you, not the way you so candidly did last night. My reasons pale in comparison and will seem trivial. I just know that, with everything I am, with my whole heart, I wish to kiss you, _Ma’am_.” he was breathless as he finished and he looked at her in the eye as he fought the urge to reach out for her hands.

_He was good with words_ , her most cynical side told her once she recognized that she felt _far too pleased_ by his words. She swallowed as noticed the red in his cheeks and the patches of red on his neck, _his brown eyes looking bright in the sun, the way he looked at her_ , openly and expectant.

He wasn’t classical handsome, but he was comely; his face was soft and serene, _his features were appealing to her_ in a way that she hadn’t thought possible a few months ago. _“Not here,”_ she whispered and her hands grew cold right as she uttered her decision.

He was relieved and a bit amused by her words and unable to hide a smile, _a big one, actually, which embarrassed him_ , “No, not here, _of course not._ ” he could tell that she also was trying not to smile but it was in vain because a small grin managed to grace her cheeks.

Despite their shared blush, they averted their eyes only to meet each other’s gaze again, Sansa noticed a weight in her stomach but it wasn’t the same emotion she felt the night before, or every time there was a moment between them. _Maybe this really was a mirage,_ “Not that I should indulge you, not after last night’s rejection.”

He wasn’t looking at her when she said that but he could hear a tease in her voice so he fixed his eyes on her and they shared a smile, “... That’s the least I deserve, _but my lady wouldn't be so cruel...”_

_“...Oh you don’t know just how cruel I can be.”_

A second later they acknowledged the truth in her words; in order to get where she was she had to step over a lot of people. “...Not to someone who doesn’t deserve it, Ma’am.” He tensed up as he replied; fearing the moment between them had really gone.

Sansa swallowed thinking less about what he was saying and more about the kiss to come, a _ll of this was sitting heavy on her_ , “I wish for nothing more than a kiss... just to stop thinking about it. _I'm not interested in more._ ” she made it clear again.

“...I know, Ma’am.” he could tell that she wanted to make sure that _he_ understood that.

“Things won’t change between us. Not here and certainly not in Winterfell,” She would not dare do this in her own home, _in her parents’ and her ancestors’ home_. “And it will remain between us and us alone.”

“As my lady orders.” _He had no problem with anything she had just said._  
  


For some reason those words made her a bit uncomfortable and she felt like saying it wasn’t an order, it was more about making sure that he were private, _“Good._ ” she looked around, then, _“Now what?”_

After all, _it would be almost impossible for her to get some privacy and they both knew it._ Podrick stood and offered his hand to help her do the same, the air left him when they found themselves face to face, “ _Your eyes are so beautiful...”_ he whispered, _they were so clear, so striking that he could get lost in them, he knew that wasn’t exactly a good compliment but it was the truth._ And those eyes seemed surprised by his words. He let go of her hands and took a step back.

“...You’ll get your kiss, there’s no need for flattery,” she murmured as she started walking.

He couldn’t suppress a smile in his disbelief “... _I really do love the color of your eyes...”_ seeing her lower her eyes to the ground made him act in kind, “They’re even more stunning when one is lucky enough to look at you closely and at leisure.”

_“Alright, enough.”_ she answered, clearly embarrassed and wondering if he was mocking her. After a beat or two she gave him a sideway glance to find him smiling, which made her want to roll her eyes.

They made their way slowly towards the castle; they remained silent as the soldiers joined them. Once inside, she told her guards that there was no need for them to follow her and they dispersed immediately; they were about to continue on when Lord Stout showed up asking to have a word with _Her Grace_ before leaving and Sansa felt a sense of relief going through her.

Podrick walked with them until they reached the library but he stayed outside as they talked. From time to time he would look inside, his impatient eyes seeking hers. The man must have thought that he was trying to ease-drop because he eventually went to shut the door.

Then, when the man finally left and Podrick was about to go in, Lord Harry appeared to join her. Their eyes met once more and a few minutes later, when it became evident to Podrick that the meeting would take a while he asked for her permission to leave. She granted it as though it was nothing, not even looking at him.

All the while Sansa kept feeling both relieved and uncertain, her anxiety was growing by the minute. She found herself unable to focus on the conversations she was having, her heart was speeding and she felt flustered every so often, enough for Lord Harry to ask if she felt well to which she replied that her departure had her worried when in reality what had her all over the place was the situation with Podrick.

_Who could assure her that he wouldn’t try to take advantage of the fact that they were alone?_ A thought that would vanished the next second when she remembered he could have easily done so when they were on the run. It would be a mistake, _Podrick was inconsequential, true, but she respected him too, it wasn’t fair._

“Ma’am, please go get some rest, your head is miles away.” Lord Harry said at last after realizing she wasn’t focusing on what they were talking about. She agreed and that alone was something he found odd, “Where’s the rest of your guard?”

“I thought it better to let them have the day off. Some soldiers were with me but I just dismissed them... I’m feeling safer inside the castle already.”

“Would you like me to escort you to your chambers?”

“No, that’s alright.” _with that crutch and the amount of stairs he’d only delay her more._ “You should let your knee rest...”

“There’s no problem, Ma’am, I’ll come with you.”

“Really, Lord Harry, there’s no need.” She stood but then realized that the lord wouldn’t listen; she let him go ahead of her though that was a break from protocol. “You should stay here until you fully recover from your injury. It’s going to be a long and uncomfortable trip to Winterfell.” _she wasn’t sure why she said that_.

“I’ll be fine,” he replied though he was already breaking a sweat unused as he was to moving around with the crutch.

As they made their way slowly, Sansa’s mind was unsettled, wondering what she would do if Podrick showed up to her room, _if he had the nerve to be in there already._ To be honest she was starting to regret agreeing to the kiss, she wanted an excuse to get out of it but... deep inside she knew he was polite and proper; _he wouldn’t be in her room._ So instead of looking for reasons to back down she started to look for the words to apologize, so that he wouldn’t take it wrong and think she was playing him.

Podrick was waiting for her at the entrance of a dark corridor; as soon as Lord Harry went by it he stepped out of the shadows and took her hand softly, he could see in her eyes that he had startled her but she was quick to recognize him.

They both looked at Lord Harry with their hearts beating at a gallop as he continued on without realizing what was happening. Then, Podrick took two steps behind him as he held on to her, asking her to follow him this way; two eternal seconds passed before she finally moved towards him full of doubt. He smiled encouragingly both because he was pleased and to reassure her.

Sansa threw one last glance at Lord Harry before getting lost in the darkness; Podrick switched the hand that was holding hers as he turned to guide her along. Sansa’s heart was about to break out of her chest and, as though he could sense her nervousness, he kept softly squeezing her hand as they made their way. Several feet later they stopped in front of a door which he opened before letting her in first.

The place was swimming in darkness for the most part although some light was coming in from the small windows at the other end of the huge room. _This was a mistake._

She heard the door closing behind her at the same time as she felt him placing his hand loosely on her waist over her leather armor, startling her. His presence at her back, his warm and short breaths against her cheek were causing her a certain tension, and pleasurable tickling sensation. _Shouldn’t she be frightened, less trusting?_

“Relax.” _She had tensed up the night before too when he started caressing her hand._

_“That seems impossible.”_ her heart was running a mile a minute, _her breath had left her completely._ When she felt him stepping a bit back from her she looked at him over her shoulder, “you’re not... _that relaxed_ either.”

“...I’m right here with you. _You are... out of the reach of someone like me._ ” he had the urge to hug her tightly, to close the space between their bodies but he knew she wouldn’t like it. _It was best to keep some distance until she indicated otherwise_. He felt her slowly turning to face him.

Podrick’s eyes remained steady on hers for a few seconds and then he moved closer, his hands settled softly on her waist once more. His movements were careful and soft as he seemed to be studying her response. Although their bodies were not really touching each other, this was as close as she had been to someone since she had hugged Arya goodbye.

_And she certainly hadn’t felt then what she was feeling now._

She felt overheated, “I think this is a mist–” she fell silent when she saw him slowly lowering his head, she closed her eyes and let out a stifled cry, almost to herself, when she felt him tracing her cheek with his nose instead of the kiss she had expected.

His touch triggered a pleasant tickling sensation that went through her back, shoulders and neck; pleasant and _promising_. She didn’t think that her senses could take more explosions of new sensations on top of her heart racing _but she had been wrong._ Her cheeks were aflame as never before.

Podrick knew that kissing her as soon as he could would have been _the mistake_ , and he just wanted to feel her, just that, _though feeling her like he really longed for would also be a mistake_ so he was happy to be holding her. He pressed a closed mouthed kiss to her cheek to then slowly crawl down to her jaw by placing two more kisses along the way, he felt her stiffening but her surprise and the way she was tensing up told him she was enjoying his attentions. He straightened back, smiling as he studied her.

_“Podrick_ – _”_

“Am I just Podrick already?” he whispered as he took a lock of hair between his fingers to stroke it.

_Had it been possible, she would be blushing even harder, “I’m not... thinking clearly_.” And just to give herself some control over the situation she put her hands on his shoulders.

The contact only made his body grow hotter, _“That’s a good thing, Ma’am.”_ he replied, pleased with himself.

She closed her eyes as she took a hold of herself but she heard the tease in his voice, “Not for someone like me.” and though she was out of her comfort zone, there was something appealing in the sensations that were coursing through her because of him.

Podrick nodded as he tried to study what little he could see of her face in the dark, “I just want to make the moment last.” _To make it more special._

_“...I don’t.”_ She admitted, _despite how good his touch had felt._

“...I understand.” he released her hair and his hand went to her cheek, his thumb caressed it and it brought out a sparkle in her eyes as she looked at him. He could only guess how expectant she was as he felt her taking a breath while _both_ closed the space between them. His lips gently found hers for some short seconds.

Her face filled with heat then and her heart was about to break out of her chest, _and it wasn’t the feeling as much as it was knowing what they were doing._ She felt him pressing his lips more firmly against hers just to back away a moment later.

_And that was it._

Silence reigned for several long seconds where nether put more space between them.

_“...Not two or three, Ma’am.”_ Whispered Podrick when it was obvious she wouldn’t speak, _but of course_ , his wishful thinking had him hoping she’d grant him at least one more kiss. He felt the heat on her cheek against his hand.

She swallowed and she took a deep breath, _it felt good;_ the whole situation had been a shock _but it honestly wasn’t what she had expected._

_The expectation had felt greater._ She squeezed his shoulders before taking a step back, _“Thank you,”_ In her mind, she knew he was disappointed.

With a pang, Podrick let her step away though he searched for her hands to give them a squeeze, “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the verdict?”

She took a deep breath to calm down, _to suppress her embarrassment_ but she could feel a smile trying to form at his words, at his demeanor, “I... hmmm... I liked it, its’ just that... I don’t know what to make of it yet.” she wanted to think about it clearly and not let herself be carried away by her emotions and the sensations of the moment. _At the very least she was left with his nearness, with his touches and the knowledge that they hadn’t spooked her._

_The kiss didn’t hold the same meaning for her as it did for him, she kept trying to rationalize it, to rationalize everything,_ “I understand, but you should keep in mind that this kiss; although we both wanted it, it was a bit mechanical...” _No, no, mechanical wasn’t the word, you fool!”_ His mind screamed desperately and he held her hands tighter, “what I meant is it wasn’t surprising and there weren’t a lot of emotions.” _NO!!!_

_That was the worst thing he could say, maybe it was better to shut up because he couldn’t stop saying the wrong thing._ In the end, however, it was the truth, she didn’t seem to bring a lot of emotions into this _but he did_.

She lowered her head to stop seeing how flustered he became at not being able to say the right thing, “Thank you for the kind words, Ser Podrick, very flattering.” _She understood what he was trying to say but it was hard not tease him._ She let go of one of his hands.

He stiffened and straightened when she used her index to trace the side of his face, he felt an explosion inside of him, _she wasn’t the kind of woman who openly doled out caresses._ He stammered a bit, unsure as to what to say, “You unsettle me…” he admitted, “I can’t think clearly...” her frown disappeared and she beamed at him, or at least that was what he imagined happened in the cover of darkness.

He brought her other hand to his lips, leaving a kiss on her knuckles, “ _You know what I meant, ma’am..._ ” he tried to remain focused as she grabbed his neck but all he could do was shake, “ _You’ll feel it, You’ll know_ , with the right person... or when the time is right.”

It didn’t go unnoticed that he added that last part to leave a window open in case the right time would be with him at some other time. The memory of Margery Tyrell suddenly came to her mind… Long ago, she had told her that women usually couldn’t afford to try as many things as men and she wanted to ask if he had already met _his right person_ , but somehow it didn’t seem prudent. “We should leave, now.” she said instead as she let go of his other hand while she caressed him with the other one last time, his skin was warm and a bit scratchy, he’d probably shaved that morning.

Podrick wanted to refuse, to remain with her even if he got nothing else out of it but he let her step away, “What you said last night... _you’re wrong_ , you know?” he added bluntly.

“About?”

He licked his lips, “There’s nothing wrong with you. Those men who didn’t appreciate you? There was something wrong with them.” _and after that there was only silence. A long awkward silence._ He wasn’t sure how she was taking his words _but the silence was telling_ , “Believe me, you are... How did Lord Royce put it? ... _Formidable_.”

She didn’t like that he brought up the subject precisely then, it actually dampened her enthusiasm, “Thank You.” she replied politely after a beat unwilling to name the reasons why he was wrong.

“I assume that asking you to stay with me for longer would be out of the question, _right?_ ” there was no hidden meaning behind his words, “ _just to keep each other company for a bit,_ ” he explained anyway so that she wouldn’t misinterpret him.

The request surprised her, “Are you looking for a chance to sweet talk me?” _she really couldn’t tell._

The tone was at odds with the words _, which didn’t sound accusing,_ “No, Ma’am, I just... I don’t want to be alone so quickly. I know I might be overstepping in assuming that we could both enjoy the company...” it had been a long while since he had this kind of intimacy with a woman and he wanted to make it last longer.

Feeling openly welcome and happy in the arms of a woman if just for a moment was…., actually, the mere idea of being in her arms or her in his was ludicrous. _Still, she did welcome him and she made him happy._

For the first time she looked around the room, she hadn’t been there before; the furniture was covered by white sheets. “I’m not used to keeping this kind of company, Ser Podrick”

Of course she was reading too much in his words, “You are misinterpreting, ma’am. I just meant... we could cast-out our loneliness with conversation”

_Cast-out our loneliness_ , Sansa thought as she walked to the door, “I suppose there’s a reason why you earned your reputation.” _He knew how to behave, what to say, what to do and when to stop_.

_He could not say where that came from, “does that bother you?”_

“I make nothing of your reputation. But being interested in you, _in anyone_... I can’t dismiss that. You unsettle me,” she looked at him over her shoulder, “but I also care for and respect you. And I enjoy your company, Ser Podrick, your conversation, your personality...” she admitted. “Still, I can’t stay hiding here with you even if a part of me wants to,” because, _hesitant as she was she did want to,_ although it wasn’t more kisses what her mind conjured, just him caressing her hand as they talked.

He stopped himself from reaching to her, from acting impulsively, _“And do you want to?_ ” he asked, _gobsmacked_.

_“Yes._ ” She licked her lips suddenly nervous from what she was about to say, “I know it might not be what you expect, but you have my friendship, _just that._ It’s the only thing I can offer. I know it’s not enou–”

“– _It is!_ ” he cut her off walking to her and then stopping before her, keeping a short distance between them. He still didn’t know what to make of all this, _and maybe he should have stayed quiet_. “It is.” He repeated again more calmly.

Sansa nodded with a smile tugging at her lips, “then, if you want to, you should join me in the library later.”

She didn’t wait for a reply and Podrick was left to see her walk out of the room a moment later. He went to stop her when he saw her taking the wrong turn but he didn’t because there was a chance _someone could see them walk out of that corridor together._

He mulled over her words and he felt excited about her invitation even if, for the most part, he was somewhat disappointed by the fact that she hadn’t enjoyed the kiss she had longed for, _not like he had wanted her to._

And he felt disappointed in himself as he realized the truth in her words, _this changed nothing._

_But what had he been expecting, really?_ The answer to that was something he couldn’t admit even to himself.

.

.

.

“You went the wrong way earlier today, Ma’am.” Podrick murmured after they were finally left alone in the library. Lady Wylla and Lord Harry were seemingly making an effort to stop them from having some privacy but they eventually grew tired of waiting for them. And it’s not like they had a lot of privacy anyway, there were three soldiers standing guard by the door.

Sansa blushed once more though she pretended to study the chess board in front of them, “ _Hmmm_ , I ended up at a meat-curing store. Everyone there was quite shocked by my presence...” she couldn't remain serious for long, “It’s like they saw a ghost.”

Podrick grinned back at her words realizing she was _happy? In a better mood that usual?_ “What did you say to Lord Harry about your disappearance?”

“...That something caught my attention and I went to investigate and somehow got lost in the castle.” _It was ridiculous but it had worked._ She couldn’t suppress the mischievous and complicit smile that broke out every time her eyes found his and neither could he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thankks to fanngfaceandrea for the translation of this huge! fic.


	10. Second Act: Chapter 10

The trip back to Winterfell was uneventful, at various points, groups of men from her army had been waiting to join her retinue in strategic locations where they had set camp to spend the night. Slowly but surely the large group made its way onwards. Sansa was able to see peasants who came out to greet her even though she remained hidden for safety.

The enclosure felt suffocating at times but it was made agreeable by Ser Podrick and others who would offer conversation and the occasional card game. She would only stretch her legs at night when she left the wheelhouse to rest; then, she would walk along the road that was surrounded by the army on site and ready to spend the night there too.

The injuries that Lord Manderly, Lord Harry and Ser Podrick suffered also made their days uncomfortable but the experience was especially torturous during the harsher parts of the road. There were maesters present but they tended to give more attention to the lords than to the knight and Podrick kept telling her that it was fine, that he didn’t need the attention, that his pain was only there because he had spent all day sitting and as soon as he laid down the pain was gone.

Podrick was her one constant companion during the trip, along with one of her maesters, since he was always on the wheelhouse with her. Her other two companions, Lord Royce and Lord Cromwell, would take turns with Lord Harry, Lady Wylla and even Lord Manderly. However, the Manderlys only rode with them until they reached the King’s Road before continuing on to White Harbor.

Sometimes, she was very aware of Podrick’s frustration with his own pain and with spending so much time confined, and several days into their journey she was understanding enough not to say anything when he started riding by the wheelhouse and not inside.

The camaraderie between them was becoming very noticeable among their companions as the days passed, even before for some, and it sometimes would end up with raised brows since she didn’t hide that she liked the knight.

Everything was innocent, though. She tried including him in the card games and in the conversations, or she would talk directly to him and every once in a while they’d share mean-spirited jokes or make teasing remarks to one another.

“You should be more discreet, Ma’am, I don’t think the lords will approve your displays of friendship with me, specially Lord Manderly and Lord Royce.” he murmured one night as they walked along the camp site a few steps ahead of Lord Cromwell and Lady Wylla. He looked at her sideways and he noticed she was starting to blush.

“I’m doing nothing wrong.” She replied honestly, “They can take all of it as a show of my gratitude.”

_But was it?_ Podrick didn’t want to ask.

Absolutely nothing more had happened between them _and nothing more would._ In the past few days Sansa had expected Podrick to make a comment, a demand of her, or to remind her of what had happened but she was left waiting in vain. _And she wasn’t quite sure if it bothered her of not._ In any case, he seemed to have accepted what she meant when she said the kiss was going to be a single transgression, _and that was relieving._

She would say that it would even be easy to put all that business behind her if he wasn’t constantly with her, if she didn’t enjoy his conversations of if she didn’t catch him looking at her from time to time.

A few times, when boredom had defeated her and she had fallen asleep she had woken up to find him next to her, looking at her closely before offering a calming smile and then looking out the window. She usually could feel her cheeks reddening only to look at her other companions to find them asleep, _which was why he took advantage of the moment._

“You need to stop that,” she had chastised him once in a low voice.

They had been alone that time, he was about to leave her to her rest in her tent and he was acutely aware of what she meant when she had said that he should stop it. His pulse quickened the second he looked at her and his chest tightened with the knowledge that she wouldn’t approve what he wanted to say to her. He weighted his options and thinking that he’d soon be back in King’s Landing he wouldn’t lose anything by being upfront he said, “...I’m sorry Ma’am, it’s not my fault you’re so easy on the eyes.”

Her blush was immediate but her rigid posture, the way she clenched her jaw and the ice in her eyes made it obvious that his comment upset her, which made his self-satisfied smirk fall in confusion, _one thing was for her to disapprove of his words and quite another that they actually upset her._

She didn’t break her gaze through the heat that came over her and her initial reaction slowly changed into confusion and sadness as _realization_ hit. Feeling awkward she murmured, “You can go get some rest, now.” and then she turned her back on him and went to an improvised table where she picked a scroll and pretended to give it her undivided attention.

Feeling uncertain, Podrick gave her a look of confusion since he didn’t understand _what_ had gone so wrong, “...I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Sansa looked at the ground, she would have liked to be pleased with his compliment but she hadn’t; she had been annoyed and ready to flee as she always was when she was told those kinds of words that made her feel cornered and on the defensive. “ _I know, Podrick._ ” _Maybe she was just too used to her own reaction._ “Don’t worry about it. Good night.”

She faintly heard him mumbling a protest but he was interrupted by Lord Harry and Lord Cromwell arriving. “I still haven’t caught up with all these scrolls,” she let the lords know and they nodded as they approached the table to continue their day’s work.

As she watched Podrick leaving, Sansa was thankful for the work that had been piling up for once; it would stop her from overthinking about what had just happened, about the contradicting emotions that had ambushed her just then. _It left her feeling that they had both been mistaken in putting too much stock in his words when he tried to convince her that there was nothing wrong with her._

She rubbed her eyes from how tired she was but her fingertips ended up wet. From then on she had to control herself until she went to bed where she sobbed silently so hide her tears from the maids that were staying with her. It hurt, the way she suddenly went from being excited and happy about Podrick to...feeling the way she did.

_She couldn’t understand herself._

It wasn’t until she woke up in the middle of the night to use the privy when she noticed bloodstained small-clothes and as she stared at them intently realized that with all the rush and anxiety she had forgotten that she would be having her blood this week and that that was the reason why she was _too sentimental, or at least that’s how she would be explaining it._ She sighed as she heard one of the maids approaching.

Sansa _did not_ apologize the next morning for her attitude to the compliment nor did she address what had happened but she felt he was uncomfortable around her and so was she. During the following days she made an effort to include him in her activities and to make it evident that she held nothing against him.

On his part, Podrick told himself that what had displeased her was that he had dismissed her warnings by taking some initiative without her consent so he decided not to do it again and leave it all in her hands even if they never moved forward.

_Which was the likely outcome._

Sometimes, she would feel the urge to get on a horse and ride with them —just like he did— but everyone vehemently refused her, and to her own annoyance, _she understood the dangers more than anyone._ The weather started to grow colder as they neared Winterfell and she decided that they should ride that last day without pausing in her rush to get home.

Podrick was among those who _insistently_ opposed the idea of her riding the last leg of the journey from Castle Cerwyn on horseback but in the end it was he who found himself strapping her breast and back plaques to her shoulders as a maid did her waist.

“Ma’am we’ve made it all this way without issue, please don’t ruin it now.” Lord Royce pleaded.

“No one will dare attack me in Winterfell.” _Of that she was certain._ After the maid was finished with her waist she blushed when Podrick took the breastplate and pulled it down with force a few time as he looked her in the eyes, all to make sure she was well protected.

She rode clad in the breastplate and the helmet. When they reached the outskirts of Winter Town people were already waiting for her. A cheering crowd _much larger_ than expected was there to welcome her as the army slowly made its way among the people.

Podrick threw her an exasperated glance that she decided to ignore. From his position on her right, he canvassed the area with his eyes as did the other two hundred soldiers surrounding her as well as Lord Royce who remained on her left.

After they had gone through the town and the crowd became smaller in the distance, she made her way through the soldiers who had started dispersing and she surprised them all by skillfully dashing between them, leaving them behind.

Podrick and Lord Royce went after her and were able to catch up to her just as other soldiers started to surround her again. Once by her side he was about to tell her not to be so rash but at the speed they were riding and with Lord Royce lagging behind, he barely had time to remark that she was rather good at riding, _which surprised him for some reason_ ; he also managed to take in her posture, how gracefully she rode, her long, loose hair waving in the air.

Podrick saw the new commander of the army take up Lord Royce’s place and give her an appreciative look, just as he had. _And he didn’t like it._

“My Queen, we should set up a race one of these days.” But the commander’s voice was lost on her ears as she kept on rushing towards to Winterfell.

They crossed the castle’s gates and they stopped as soon as they saw there were people waiting for her. She elegantly got off the horse without waiting for help and she took off the helmet. Then, she walked to greet the maesters and the advisors who hadn’t gone on the trip with her; Lady Rose, her favorite lady in waiting, received a surprising hug and some whispered words in a somewhat affectionate manner. Then, she continued greeting everyone else she knew.

To Podrick, the welcome had seemed like a cold and sad affair because, although she was obviously admired and appreciated, those people meant little to her, aside from Lady Rose; they were only acquaintances and castle workers, _there were no friends or family among them._ The rest of the army started filling-in in minutes and the people that had gathered went back to their business.

The one inhabitant of the keep who was bursting at the seams with joy from seeing her back was the direwolf who arrived as feral as imposing as ever as it tried to understand the reason for the commotion, but as soon as it set eyes on her, it practically skipped over to her howling and tagging its tail from excitement which made her laugh out loud right there in the middle of the yard. That was the first time he had seen her smiling honestly and joyfully at the animal as she bent over to pet him, making it so happy that it seem like its tail would go off, it even almost toppled her over as she hugged it.

In the following days, there wasn’t much for Podrick to do since she no longer felt the need to be as guarded as before because she felt safer in Winterfell so he kept busy by paying attention to who was coming in and out of the castle. He also attended a ceremony honoring the comrades that fell during the attack, including his own man. And, alongside Jacob and Lord Royce, he met with several men who wanted to fill the positions left by the Queensguards who died. He also wrote to Ser Brienne telling her everything that had happened in code and another to Lord Tyrion where he told him he would be expecting orders for his return to King’s Landing.

The Knights of the Vale marched back to the Vale and everything went back to normal for him. He tried not to think too much about what had happened between them because she had made it clear that it would only be one kiss and his innumerable and willful fantasies wouldn’t change that. Things between them didn’t change much; she didn’t keep as much distance with him but she didn’t seek him out for company, support or safety, as she had back in Barrow Hall.

One evening, he was called to her presence and they met alone, not for the first time, in her meetings room. There was a scroll bearing the seal of the Southern Crown on her large desk.

“Bran wants you to stay here for a few more months.” she handed him the scroll so that he could read it too, “he says that he thinks there will be no further attacks against me but he wants to be sure while he ties some loose ends.” _It bothered her because he didn’t give her any specifics and that only made her anxious._ She swallowed, “he says that through you, he wishes to cement the relation between the Six Kingdoms and the North and that, should I accept, you’ll become the King’s representative. That I’m free to send a man of my own to King’s Landing and that it will also be wise to do so since the talks with Dorne and The Reach are fast approaching.” To say she had been surprised at this was saying little.

Ironically, he didn’t like to hear that he would be extending his stay and he didn’t stop to read the scroll right away since her words were enough at the moment, “I’m a guard, not a politician.” he said as he held on to the paper in his hands.

“He wants to take advantage of the fact that you’re already here in the North.” she pointed to the letter.

Podrick swallowed as he walked to the fireplace, “and do you agree with that, Ma’am?” he was unsure, after all, if her advisors and lords thought he could be a spy before the attack, then this move would convince them that he was _indeed_ one.

Sansa both liked the idea of him staying as she hated that Bran paid no mind to her opinion, but that wasn’t actually what was at stake, “Do you know anything about politics, Ser Podrick?”

“...Some. Yes. But not a lot, Ma’am.” He admitted.

Sansa raised her brows, “The letter says that in the past years in King’s Landing you’ve acted not only as a guard but that you have learnt strategy and politics from Lord Tyrion, and from my brother’s council.”

Podrick frowned, the King barely attended the council’s meetings and when he did, Podrick stayed out listening and paying attention. _He had learned one or two things during his time there, that was true, but definitely not a lot_. “If you suspect that all this time I’ve been spying on you–”

Sansa exhaled; _no, she knew he hadn’t been doing that._

Since Sansa didn’t continue, Podrick decided to read the scroll and when he was done he turned to face her again, “Your brother's words here are... exaggerated,” he admitted _but he was also surprised_ , “my knowledge is basic at best and useless at worst,” his frown deepened as she seemed to be waiting for him to continue, _but what else could he say?_ “In Lord Tyrion’s own words I let my heart lead me rather than my head,” _a flaw for sure. He honestly couldn’t think of a reason to be posted here in the North._

_That didn’t surprise her_ , _Podrick was a good man, maybe too much of a good man_ , “None of that takes from the fact that I’ve let you in on my council’s meetings and now... this will make me look bad before my advisors and lords.”

“I Know, Ma’am, and they’ll take me for the spy they thought I was in the first place.”

Sansa mulled it over as she licked her lips, “...Let’s hope that my council won’t take this badly after all your services rendered.”

_They both knew that it probably wouldn’t go as smoothly, Northerners didn’t appreciate foreigners._

“We will discuss this in tomorrow’s meetings, I want you there.” Podrick nodded but she knew that she couldn’t wait until the next day to talk to Lord Cromwell about it and surprise him with the news on the sport. He stood to join her in her way to meet the lord. “Tell me, have you received news from King’s Landing?”

“I haven’t. Even what you just told me is a complete surprise.”

“Hmmm...” Sansa wasn’t pleased, “Who should I believe, my brother who says that you are ready to act as an emissary or you, who says that you don’t know politics?”

“Me, ma’am. I truly feel unprepared for this position, if you and your council decide to agree to your brother’s proposal.”

_But it was convenient for the North to send an emissary to the south, one who was well prepared and who could make connections in King’s Landing._

She looked intently at him as he explained himself.

He was a guard and therefore he stood outside the council room and he listened to their talks. Lord Tyrion trusted him, so did Ser Brienne and so he was in a position to be aware of things that were above his rank. And he had a lot of free time in King’s Landing because the King stayed put for the most part and the human body could only take so much training every day.

In all honestly, he served the members of the council as much as he did her brother. And yes, _he had learnt a few things and others he had been taught..._ but the knowledge he acquired was too little to act on behalf of the King here in the North. “ _Besides, what other relationships does he want to cement between the North and the South when both monarchs are siblings who get along fine?_ ” he asked.

“Trust me, that’s what I’m going to ask him, it’s getting an actual answer what I doubt will happen.” she saw his mouth twisting slightly.

It was that afternoon when Sansa told Lord Cromwell in confidence the true reason for Podrick’s presence in the North and how her brother hat set it up to protect her; she needed at least one ally during her council meeting.

The meeting that took place the next day wasn’t pleasant and he was called in to the Great Hall as they discussed whether to accept the King of the Six Kingdom’s proposal. Her advisors warned Sansa that she was letting her brother meddle too much in the North’s business.

Podrick was not told about the decision until well past noon. He could stay if he wished to but there would be council meetings he would not be allowed to attend _as well as information that he could not pass along in case it reached his ears._

Lord Cromwell added that having refused a reward for saving _Her Grace’s_ life was a reason why the Queen’s advisors didn’t take it _quite so_ badly that he became the King’s emissary. _But he couldn't speak for the lords once they started to find out._

“Being a politician is quite different from being a guard, _Ser Podrick_.” Lord Harry stated condescendingly. If he had been annoyed by the other man’s stay in Winterfell before, he was bordering on irate now.

“I know, my lord. I’ve never said otherwise.”

It wasn’t the first time that Sansa noticed the hostility between the two men but her musings were interrupted by a list of books that Lord Cromwell handed to Podrick telling him that if he wanted to be better prepared he should get familiar with those writings and that he was in luck since all could be found at Winterfell’s library.

Sansa waited until she was alone with Podrick to bring up something she had remembered early that morning, “After you arrived here, you told me more than once that you were paid to follow orders and that you weren’t one to question them.” She reminded him.

“Yes, Ma’am.” He waited to see where she was getting at.

“That makes sense when you’re a guard. But I was wondering if you ever carried out any other type of job for my brother.

Podrick had to think about what to say, “Such as?”

“I never asked you about how you knew Lord Ashford or about the way Lord Royce addressed you, as though you had seen each other after my cousin’s wedding. Or about that deal with _the Dothraki.”_ And there were more things that she had remarked upon but that she wouldn’t mention just to see if he would.

“I may have escorted Lord Bronn and Ser Davos to some business meetings.” he admitted, “But I was there as the muscle, not as a _Representative of the King_ , if that’s what you’re thinking. And I can’t discuss it.” he wasn’t about to tell her that he had been present at those meetings, listening to what was being discussed because she was right; it wasn’t his job nor was his presence required, but he still had been there. _And he needed to divert form that conversation_ , “and when I said I wasn’t one to question orders... I had just arrived here, I didn’t know you and I was intimidated at times, Ma’am, I didn’t want to look bad before you, or worse, to make the King look bad.”

From all that, what she remarked on first was the least important thing, _“I no longer intimidate you?”_ she asked half serious, making him blush.

“When you make fun of me like this, Ma’am, you don’t.”

With everything resolved, it was agreed that they would send an _Ambassador_ to King’s Landing.

An exchange of information between the realms began, even though it wasn’t something that actually required emissaries. And they learnt more things about King’s Landing than the other way around, which slowly made Podrick’s presence a more welcomed one since they were up to date on how Dorne and The Reach’s talks of independence were progressing.

.

.

.

On a random afternoon, Lord Cromwell approached Her Grace about some business she had put him in charge of not long ago, “Ma’am, that Shyra woman you had us investigate was found in White harbor,” The Queen nodded but he had no clue as to the reason for her interest in the woman, “She is working there as a whore.”

Sansa tried not to show that the news bothered her and she idly played with the wood of her desk, “has she got any family?” she finally asked.

“No, Ma’am, our men followed her for months and they got her to talk to them but everything indicated that she doesn’t.”

She nodded, “Have you men give her some money and order them to come back to Winterfell immediately. I don’t want the Manderlys finding out about this.”

Lord Cromwell nodded, “May I inquire about what you’re after, Ma’am? You’ve had us investigate all sorts of women and–”

“–You’ll find out when _I_ deem it appropriate.” She interrupted thus settling the matter; she knew that what she was after was something her council would disapprove of once she got the information she needed from those women. “Do you remember the problems we heard of at Crofters’ Village?” _of course he would._

“A few days ago I received a raven from the soldiers we stationed there, things seem to be going well for now.”

_“Good.”_ Then she made a gesture for him to leave.

.

.

.

“We have never really talked about the fact that my name is an affront against your house, Ma’am.” Podrick suddenly said one afternoon, it was a subject they had avoided for a very long time, “I know that bringing it up is the worse I can do but I’ve always wondered...”

_“Podrick Payne is more than just his family’s name_ , I kept telling myself over and over when we were riding for Castle Black. Brienne even told me not to judge you by your uncle’s actions, not to mistrust you. By now it’s obvious that I didn’t hold it against you, nor does Bran, Or Arya.” Now _her sister_ , she would have looked to kill him if she had, and in another occasion Jon had made it clear that he wouldn’t judge a son for his father’s sins.

She sighed feeling uncomfortable talking about this because none of her siblings had given him the type of friendship that she was granting, “When I’m talking to you is not your uncle or your name what I have in mind... _and maybe that’s for the worse_.” Though she decided to leave out that from time to time she did wonder what her father would think of the friendship that had grown between them...

He understood what she meant but he had no time to reply because they were interrupted.

.

.

.

The quarterly meeting between the lords and their Queen came soon after.

He had attended the first one but now, as an inexperienced Ambassador, he had not been prepared for the commotion or for the mixed reactions and opinions he received from the lords to his new position in the North.

What was surprising is that for the most part, they took the news well; they were still rather grateful to him for staying by her side during her attack and in the aftermath. He also didn’t see it coming, but he figured that the members of her council had subtly reminded the lords that he had fought in the battle of the Long Night too since several of them mentioned it.

But it wasn’t his appointment as an Ambassador what the Lords and Ladies seemed to be interested in, _and he didn’t think it would become so._ All of them, _absolutely all_ were fascinated by even the _slightest_ detail of the attack against her. _That was the talk of the town... or the corridors, as it were._ Every single lord had looked to have a private moment with her to proclaim their loyalty and to get further explanations from her.

This was the first gathering that Lady Barbrey had attended since the Queen’s coronation; she had always sent an emissary. He saw them talking a couple of times, either there had been no hard feelings before or the apologies and gratitude that the Queen sent her way while they were staying at Barrow Hall had made an impact because their interactions were nothing but cordial.

The days consisted of endless meetings about matters from each of the lords’ villages and lands and about the Realm, and he had been excluded from some of those. And the nights were filled with banquets and even more meetings that she held.

During an early morning when he was training with the commander of the Manderly army —because he owed him a friendly sparring match— he caught a glimpse of her striding across the yard on the platforms when she stopped because some of the lords had gathered to watch.

That’s when the commander decided to leave the friendly part of the sparring behind. He was annoyed by it but he said nothing as he returned each strike, though not _without difficulty_ because a now increasingly familiar ache on his side made its appearance. Even so, and hardly able to breath, he took it in stride until the commander really started to overstep.

The man disarmed him, yes, but Podrick was aware that it happened because he had been focusing on his pain. He suddenly drew a dagger from his side and he could tell that it seemed to amuse the commander who thought himself the victor. As soon as the man moved to attack, Podrick evaded him grabbing his wrist instead and twisting it in a dirty move that he had learnt some years before from Bronn and a group of men from the _Second Sons._

The commander was bent forward as Podrick kept a strong backward pull on his arms; when he felt him try to turn to defend himself, Podrick just had to pull the arm up to make him stop in his tracks, if he wanted to, he could easily break his wrist or dislocate his shoulder. “Imagine my dagger on your neck.” He finally said seeing that the man wasn’t giving up. When the man finally called an ‘I give,’ Podrick shoved him forward and the man stumbled until he regained his balance and when he did, he looked at where the Queen and the lords had been standing, but they had left a while ago.

“You need to teach me that hold.” He said with some annoyance at being defeated by Ser Podrick though he could still admit that the Knight had some skills, plenty, even.

“Not today.” he simply replied thus ending the training. He swiftly made for his room feeling breathless and struggling to keep upright since the pain on his back had him wanting to double over, he only wanted to lie down on the floor and _get some rest._ That pressure he felt on his side wasn’t normal, _he knew it._

Ever since he had been stabbed, every time he tried to lift something heavy or train vigorously the pain appeared and expanded to his back, sometimes it even happened when he over did it with his meals. He had talked it over with her maesters but they couldn’t find the reason for the pain, they only told him that the wound was too recent and it was still healing, _that he should take it easy._

Taking advantage of Lord Manderly’s presence and of his friendship with his commander, he asked the man in confidence if Lord Manderly would mind him asking one of his maesters to take a look at him. Lord Manderly had no issue with the request. And the answer from that Maester was same as the one from the Queen’s Maesters, the only thing to do was rest since everything seemed fine.

But unlike the other maesters, this one made him train to the point of pain to examine him as the pain took over him. The man’s diagnostic wasn’t encouraging, it could be a muscle or a nerve pull but he doubted it. It was more likely that the pain would last him for the rest of his life. _Only time would tell._ For now, he should rest and take some potions that he could easily get in Winter Town.

With his head down and grateful for the help, he asked Lord Manderly what he owed him and the lord only requested that he sat in his table that night, and he was left to wonder if this pain would persist once he was back in King’s Landing, and whether he’d be able to wear his Kingsguard armor, _or if the weight would cause him too much pain_.

Later that night, Podrick found that if Lord Manderly was a cheerful boisterous man when he was sober, he became even rowdier with a few drinks on him. The lord attempted to introduce him to his other granddaughter _and heir_ forgetting that they had already been introduced, and in his presence.

As the Lady made her way toward them, he spoke, “Because, if the North can have a Queen then in the future, the head of House Manderly will be my eldest granddaughter!” he proclaimed proudly before leaning to whisper to Podrick, “…who deserves it more than any other cock of a third cousin or uncle with the family name. Or her future husband.” Podrick only raised his brows not knowing what else to say to that.

Lady _Wynafryd Manderly_ was tall and elegant, they greeted each other and unlike the first time they met, they had a moment to exchange some words, or rather, she thanked him for his services to the Queen and she told him that the doors to White Harbor and her family’s castle would always be open to him along with other niceties. Somewhere in the middle of the conversation she slipped in a comment about her admiration for Ser Brienne, asking him why he let her knight him when it would have been better for him to have been knighted by another man or even the King himself.

_“Wynafryd!”_ Lord Manderly, admonished, which made them smile. Politeness was politeness even though sometimes his granddaughters seemed not to care about it; _though, to be honest he was curious about the man’s answer to that too._ But that was the kind of question he’d ask after a few drinks to loosen his tongue.

“ _Oh, Grandpa! It’s not like you or any of these lords would have bet a moon on someone knighted by a woman._ ” Loved him as she might, her grandfather was just like those lords, sticklers for tradition and undermining women who weren’t either family or someone important, _and sometimes not even then._ She turned to the knight, “They only approve of you now that you’ve proven your worth to the Queen,” she warned him, _“and she keeps you in her highest esteem.”_

Podrick blushed, fully aware of the way in which the lady gave him a once over, as though she was sizing him up _and most importantly_ , with a touch of mischief in her eyes and a lopsided grin. Right then, he had no doubt that she had heard about him from her sister, _Lady Wylla,_ who didn’t attend these meetings.

He dismissed that last part and he stuck to the truth, he spoke of his esteem and admiration for Ser Brienne, and about her having taught him everything he knew about being a warrior up to the moment he was knighted.

As she listened to him talk, Wynafryd realized Wylla had been right about everything she had said, except, _unlike her sister, she saw nothing to be concerned about; she didn’t think he was that big of a deal._ After some more trivial chatter, she reminded her grandfather to behave, not to drink too much and finally, she said goodbye before taking her seat at the other end of the table.

“Can you believe she’s been ordering me around since she was a child, Ser Podrick?”

Podrick smiled at him and he sat next to him on the table, which was filled with food, wine and ale. During those nights filled with festivities, Podrick had been acting prudently, trying to make a good impression but maybe because he had been feeling a little low that night he ended up drinking more than usual.

Podrick hadn’t had too high hopes for the last feast. It would be the same sort of banquet that had been taking place, for the past five nights, that’s why he was surprised when in the middle of the celebration suddenly the lords and the commanders stood as they drew their swords.

For the longest of seconds, he was consumed by absolute terror as his mind screamed treason, but before he could actually react he started hearing them proclaiming _The Queen in the North_ once and again, _and again, and again_ ; the ladies present joined the chanting along with the tavern maids, the servants, _and of course_ , her council. 

He couldn’t help but get caught in the cheerfulness of what he was hearing and seeing, and a wide smile broke on his face as his eyes went from her to the room. He felt like drawing his sword and joining in the chant too, to be a part of it _but it wouldn’t have been appropriate_ ; still, he stood and took a cup which he used to beat on the table in an effort to join the celebration as she bowed her head and stood as a sign of respect and acknowledgement.

The hall fell silent as _The Queen_ stood to thank them for their loyalty and the respect they were showing with some heartfelt yet firm words and he was left wondering if they were improvised or prepared in case the occasion called for it.

During the meetings, he had witness her coming head to head and exchanging strong words with most of those lord and ladies, _but there was no doubt she had their respect._ And she commanded it now, _even with the lords and ladies who didn’t fully approved of her._

Someone shouted, ‘ _To the Queen in the North’_ _, ‘To all of you, my lords and ladies,_ ’ and an improvised toast followed, a moment that ended between laughs and wine flying in all directions.

Podrick was in a fit of laughter when he saw Lord Cromwell whisper something in her ear after she sat and just by looking at her he was able to tell that her smile was fake. Suddenly he felt a slap on his shoulder and a giant palm took a firm hold of it before shaking him; he turned to see a lord with a glass of wine on his other hand.

_“You can’t tell me your King is ever celebrated like this, is he?”_

“ _I’ve never seen something like this!_ ” Podrick admitted, _still in awe at the sheer excitement in the room._

_“That’s right, my boy!”_ Lord Manderly crashed his cup against his, spilling and splashing half of its contents on the three men, “Now, to you, my friend.” he said before finally drinking from the cup. Podrick let out a loud laugh, giving into the loud merriness that seemed to be Lord Manderly’s favorite mood. _And why wouldn’t it be? Who would give a damn about being loud at that age?..._

Waking up the next morning was quite a challenge, however, his head felt like someone was hammering on it, he was nauseous and he felt the hangover all over his body. He remembered very little of the previous night, only the feeling of raucous cheerfulness and once his head started to cool down, he began worrying that he shouldn’t have acted in such manner. 

_He certainly had overdrunk because he wasn’t sure about how he made it back to his room_. But one thing was to drink himself blind with Lord Tyrion and Lord Bronn and quite another to behave in the way he did the night before.

Leaving the castle’s dark corridors felt like an explosion of wildfire as the morning sun hit him in the face. Thankfully, the freezing wind helped by numbing his face and his headache with it. He broke fast with some of the lords who, just like him were barely making it to the Great Hall; from the silence, it was obvious that he hadn’t been the only one who overdid it with the wine and ale.

As he threw a queasy look at the eggs in front of him, he couldn’t help but remark yet again on the differences in ruling styles between the Queen in the North and the King of the Six Kingdoms. In his way to sobriety, he recalled that way she had been praised the night before and how Lord Tyrion used to say that _when things seemed to be too good to be true they usually were_. He set the eggs aside and he opted for a bowl of porridge as he looked around the room at the lords who seemed to be nothing but tired.

Maybe he was overthinking things; the lords had been quite drunk when the cheering had started, their spirits high, s _o, that was probably the reason for the adulation, right?_

On the other hand, the King had given him a new position so he could only assume that he remained in the North to protect her... _was there something more to all of this?_

_He knew that going to her with all of his theories and doubts would do nothing but worry and upset her._

He saw a lord leaving and almost immediately a woman came to take away the dishes and to clean the place where he had sat. He wondered, not for the first time, how tired the Queen and her advisors must be, along with all the servants who were there to see to the guests... having nothing more to do but say his goodbyes, he decided to go and help the soldiers that were giving away the leftovers from the banquet in Winter Town.

Thank the gods, no one questioned his behavior in the days that followed. Only a couple of advisors stopped him to tell him that he sure knew how to entertain the lords with his stories and songs.

_He honestly didn’t remember himself singing,_ he thought, _ashamed._

One of the advisors mocked his mortified face when his eyes sought the Queen, “Don’t worry, she had left for the night, _hours before_ you started singing. Only the really drunk ones were still in the Great Hall.”

Podrick nodded along thinking, _that didn’t help._

When Lord Cromwell approached them, he addressed him. “I haven’t drunk like that in years; maybe that’s why the wine hit me harder...”

Lord Cromwell smiled as he gestured for Podrick to come along, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have some fun, Ser Podrick. Especially here in these cold lands. I assume you miss the south.”

_A part of him did_ and he nodded in agreement, “I’m concerned about what the Queen and the lords may think.”

The older man smiled, “Believe me, if the Queen had any issues with your behavior you’d know about it by now. I can only advise to take it easy next time. It was embarrassing to ask the servants to help carry you to your room since you fell asleep in the Great Hall.” Podrick blushed profusely then, “... I’ll only add that you should remember your new position and where you’re at.”

_“Oh my lord, I–”_

“ _Yes, yes, I’m sure you’ll apologize._ Don’t. I honestly think you deserved your fun, we all did so, for once, I’ll pretend I saw nothing and I won’t judge you.”

Podrick apologized anyway, in his embarrassment he realized he was being directed to the library as a way to encourage him to read those books that the man had suggested before. “And the Queen? Did she enjoy herself?” he decided to ask because he remembered her at her table talking to some lords and ladies but not doing much more.

The lord faked a smile, _“in her own way_.” he lied, since she wasn’t keen on those kinds of celebrations _even when they were in her honor._ _And she definitely didn’t like looking at the expense columns on the books after the quarterly meetings took place._ In order to change the course of the conversation, he went on, “Oh, and lastly, let me congratulate you on that tremendous voice. You sang better than the singer we hired and you certainly got more praise.” He heard Podrick embarrassed whine, which amused him, “...Don’t worry; most of your public was drunker than you.”

_“Hmmm...”_ they continued walking and once they made it to the library Lord Cromwell pointed him to it, Podrick stopped for a few seconds, well aware that only the Queen and Lord Cromwell himself were privy to why the King of the Six Kingdoms had sent him North in the first place. “Do they always celebrate her with such enthusiasm?” he asked, sine he had been in a previous quarterly meeting and that hadn’t happened.

“That was because of the attack, Ser Podrick, the Lords just got carried away with all the excitement and the wine.”

Podrick nodded, “I was astounded by the celebration, my Lord, I had never seen so much love for a King or a Queen.”

The lord nodded, pleased. “Our Queen is quite beloved.”

Again, Podrick nodded thoughtfully, “Maybe I’m just too mistrustful, Lord Cromwell, but someone once told me that when something seemed to be too good, it probably isn’t.”

Lord Cromwell mirrored his nod, _“a wise man,”_ he replied, “Her Grace shares your doubts as well. Tell me, Ser Podrick, do you believe that all the business with the attack is finished?”

By now all the lords who had betrayed her had paid for it as well as all other involved, _but things were never that easy, right?_ “I couldn’t say, my lord.”

“But you talk to Her Grace, I figure you know that she suspects that there are still some loose ends...”

.

.

.

Time flew by, weeks and months where a true friendship started to grow between them, a friendship that was rooted in honesty from both of them.

Sansa, more than Podrick, felt that she could speak freely and candidly in their many conversations. During her time with Lord Baelish, Sansa had learned to read people, to know what bothered them and what pleased them, their insecurities and their desires. She used what she knew on Podrick, especially before the attack, and once or twice when they were back in Winterfell but he had never given her any reason to mistrust him. He was a good man, content with his place in the world.

On his part, Podrick grew more and more confident in himself, aided by the fact that she often sought him out and that his points of view seemed to amuse her; that even when she didn’t agree with him, she respected his opinion and at worst she would throw a sarcastic comment for him to come up with rebuttal and very rarely would she take his words badly.

They both came to appreciate their conversations, which didn’t go unnoticed by those who were closest. Lord Harry disapproved of it but Sansa had decided not to keep their meetings and talks a secret to avoid gossip. Plus, it wasn’t like she was doing anything improper _by almost always_ meeting with him in public.

“You’re one to talk, Ser Podrick, as far as I know you don’t have close relatives,” Sansa was so deep into the conversation that she completely forgot about tact, “you don’t know what’s like to completely belong somewhere.”

Podrick mumbled searching for a response after the harshness of her words, _against how defensive he felt_.

Sansa got flustered after seeing his reaction and she felt bad because her own words, “...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put it in those words.”

Podrick, swallowed, _he could make an issue of it or he could let it slide_. “...Well, no, I never belonged to my family in the usual sense, anyway.” he said somewhat embarrassed, “but this isn’t about family, it’s about weakness.”

Sansa could tell that Podrick wasn’t about to hold her words against her and just as he had done, she went on, “… _Exactly_ , my family is my weakness. And the more people you love, the weaker you are. It’s easier for people to take advantage of the irrational decisions one might make in a moment of weakness, because of love.”

Podrick shook his head, “...You’re looking at it wrong, Ma’am, love shouldn’t be a weakness, it should be the force driving us forward.”

“...Did you hear that in a song or a story?” she asked, “you sound rather emotional, Ser Podrick.” she chastised him in jest.

Lord Harry and Lady Rose were with them while they discussed life and other matters as they often did lately. Lord Harry was displeased by the unabashed familiarity between them and from the look Lady Rose threw his way he could see that she was very aware of the friendship, _and even more_ , between them.

“...I’d call it inspired,” he smiled in turn, “and I see nothing wrong with my words.” he reiterated with a shrug, taking her words in stride.

“... Someone will take advantage of you.” She warned.

Podrick was about to retort but he bit his tongue as he realized that they weren’t alone, “In any case, love doesn’t happen only with family. I care for Ser Brienne, for Lord Tyrion...just as I know you do too.”

“It’s a different kind of affection, of love.”

“And who says it has to be? Family can be the one you make on the way, not the one you’re born in.”

“What shows me again that you, no offense, don’t know about that type of unconditional love.”

Lord Harry noticed that Ser Podrick took her words in stride as he kept the conversation flowing so easily that he wondered how the other man managed it, if his experience with all kinds of women was so broad that he was able to address them, treat them, talk to them and get in their heads.

He felt the words he once said to the knight about him only knowing how to deal with whores and loose women coming back to bite him in the arse. _That entire conversation, actually._

“In any case, if push comes to shove, I’d give my life for Ser Brienne’s, no thought about it, _what love’s more unconditional than that?_ He asked before adding, _“Don’t tell her I said that.”_

Sansa grinned at that, “I can’t make any promises.” she licked her lips as she took notice of how they were excluding their company from the conversation though she decided not to mind it, “What of Lord Tyrion, won’t you give your life for his?”

“ _Meh,_ giving it for Ser Brienne would be an absolute honor. For Lord Tyrion...” he shrugged jokingly.

“...Somehow I think it’ll hurt Lord Tyrion if he ever finds out about your reluctance to save him.”

.

.

.

Sansa felt that what was between them was more than just a friendship since there was a mutual interest there even if neither would show it openly or act on it. And even after what had happened between them at Barrow Hall, Podrick had made no mention of it even once.

She had a feeling that it was out of respect.

He thought that it was best to be patient and wait for her to make a gesture or say something to reassure him of her interest.

_He only mentioned it once and it was in passing._

They were taking a nightly stroll to the Weirwood tree and while they were talking about some White Harbor businesses and about Lord Manderly _insisting_ that it would be easier for her to rule from there rather than from Winterfell when _Snow_ showed up. It made its way towards them, ever vigilant, growling menacingly at him.

“He’s still unused to my presence.” he said wanting to show her that he wasn’t frightened by the animal, though he was. Not long ago, he had witness its prowess, the power of its legs and jaws as he tore from a single pull the leg of a mare that had died in the middle of giving birth. The soldiers warned him not to approach it while he was horrified and mesmerized by the spectacle. ‘It’ll finish off the rest in the days to come.’

To Sansa, the werewolf's reaction was befuddling; though he was mistrustful, he always stopped threatening strangers after a few encounters with them. Podrick was living in the keep, he had even moved to the guest’s wing thanks to his new role as Ambassador, the wolf saw him daily and still he mistrusted him. “... If my direwolf mistrusts you, I should start doing the same.”

“...I wonder if it feels like something happened between us and he’s being overprotective.” he said as he studied the animal only to look back at her to see her blushing and looking skeptical, “No, I mean it, Ma’am, haven’t you notice that it’s has been more menacing to me since we returned?”

_“...No.”_ she wondered if Podrick could tell she was blushing since his attention seemed to be on Snow rather than her and she didn’t want to seem flustered by his reminder.

Podrick bent down to pick a stick and show it to the wolf before throwing it away but instead of running to catch it, the wolf stood more firmly in place letting out what sounded like half a growl and half a howl, chilling Podrick to the bone, _the beast was about to throw itself at him. “Shit!”_ he heard himself exclaim as his hand went to his sword, hesitant to draw it out and hide behind her.

“ _Snow, no!_ ” Sansa commanded as she realized the danger was real and that the wolf wasn’t obeying her _, it was actually growling louder,_ _“NO!”_ from the periphery of her vision she saw two of her guards drawing their swords and several archers on the towers point their bows at the direwolf. _“STAY!”_ why was he acting like that?

After a few seconds of keeping his defying posture, the wolf went from an attack instance to letting out a low whine after lowering its head. Podrick felt the eyes of the soldiers and workers on them as he took a step towards her as if to stop her when he saw her moving close to the animal to pet its fur, which it let her do wile acting like a hurt puppy. _Seriously?_ He wondered incredulous.

Sansa looked back and as though it felt that her attention wasn’t fully his, Snow looked at Podrick and it made a move to stand again, _“Podrick, leave.”_ she requested, surprised by the situation.

She didn’t need to ask twice, though he was concerned for her, “but...will you be alright, Ma’am?”

“Yes, he won’t hurt me.” she was fleetingly reminded of the last conversation she had _with..._ Of how he had trusted his beasts blindly.

Without turning his back and making sure that the guards were keeping their position, he stepped away until he reached one of the castle’s platforms to stand with the archers before taking a bow and arrow himself; _he noticed he was shaking._ But he saw the wolf walking away from her and the two guards _as though nothing had gone wrong at all_. “What happened?” one of the archers asked and _Podrick_ could honestly say that he hadn’t the slightest idea.

A few days later, when they had a chance to speak, Podrick brought it up, “I’ve seen your soldiers playing with Snow like that, _mine too_ , even you, I did nothing out of the ordinary and look at how it reacted...” _he was absolutely certain that the direwolf would have killed him if she hadn’t been there to stop it._

Sansa continued on walking, “...It may just be that Snow doesn’t like you.”

_“You think?”_ he asked sarcastically. He had been taking shortcuts, high decks and high platforms that the direwolf _almost never_ walked on. “And…I apologize for swearing that night.”

“Don’t worry about it.” she said as she noticed him stopping in his tracks as she went down the stairs. They were headed in the same direction, toward the Great Hall and even if she understood his qualms about the animal, it was clear that she expected him to go with her. And he did without saying a word and looking into every direction once they made it to the ground floor, only to stop once he saw the direwolf appearing in the distance.

She saw Podrick drawing his sword from the corner of her eye. As soon as Snow started growling Sansa shushed it and the direwolf waited calmly until she reached him. Sansa gestured at Podrick to walk with her. “...I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

Podrick made a face, “Hmmm... _I have some idea._ ” he said looking at the animal that was on her other side. “I’m afraid of coming across it on my own.”

_“…Hmmm…”_ Some days later Sansa came to the conclusion that Snow was being overprotective and that’s why he acted the way he did when Podrick was around. But she never mentioned it to him because it would lead to talking about what had happened between them.

Maybe, just maybe she could chalk it up to the connection a direwolf supposedly had with its master or mistress and so Snow could feel how Pod’s presence rattled her, but it was for completely different reasons than usual and he was unable to make the distinction.

.

.

.

It was Sansa herself who, in the middle of an easy going conversation and rather without thinking too much, told him that she had heard one of her maids calling him _The Queen’s Favorite Guard_ , which made him flustered.

It only lasted long enough for him to turn the tables on her by giving her an unabashed smile, a sudden reaction that awoke her senses and made her want to kiss him seemingly out of the blue.

Podrick knew that was the right time. That was _the sign_ that he had been waiting for all these months, “are you flirting with me, Ma’am?” Unlike the last time, when his compliment had upset her, he realized this time she was befuddled. _But it was she who had started it, not him. She couldn’t blame him for playing along._ That was what he told himself though deep inside the doubt grew.

“...I’m just letting you know what I heard.” she murmured shyly. Though now that she thought about it, _it had come out playful, like she intended for him to take notice._

Her frustration was obvious but he decided to push a little bit more “...I heard some self-satisfaction in your tone; that’s why I thought you were flirting,” he paused to swallow, “But I apologize if I was mistaken.”

She took a deep breath trying to settle herself, “...the woman was wrong anyway, you’re no longer my guard.”

“No, I’m’ not,” he granted thus giving her a definitive escape out of the discussion. After a few steps he let out a long exhale as he decided to let go of any hope he had with her.

_It was for the best, anyway. This would lead to nowhere, just to trouble if her maids were already spreading rumors about him being her favorite guard. But it did make him realize that it wasn’t all in his mind, that he was special to her even if she still kept him at a distance._

Hours later as she lay in bed unable to stop thinking about that moment, she wondered if Podrick had sensed what he made her feel. She wondered, if there hadn’t been any eyes on them, would she have been brave enough to kiss him.

_And why did she want to kiss him again after that first one hadn’t made the impact she had though it would?_

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.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we’re done with the first part where the trusts/attraction/friendship started growing between them. Now to the part where things get deeper.  
> These chapters will be longer compared to the ones in the first part.
> 
> Thanks once again to fangfaceandrea for the translation.
> 
> And I made a cover for this fic, and you can find it on the first chapter.


	11. Chapter 11

Their second kiss, their first one at Winterfell, happened during a visit from some lords from the West stopping by in their way to The Wall; they had accepted the Queen’s invitation to stay at Winterfell to get acquainted with her as she usually did with most lords that journeyed that far North.

It was Tyrion who interceded before the Queen so that the visit took place, swearing on his honor that welcoming them was in her best interest since, in addition to the expedition, they intended to negotiate and to reach a financial agreement to continue sending their criminals to The Wall because Westerners wanted more severe punishments than letting well fed men rot in the relatively safe cells of the prisons that were being built all across the continent.

“Ah, Ser Podrick, you’re well-groomed for tomorrow, I see, you can no longer be mistaken for a Northerner.” Sansa heard one of her advisors say and she raised her eyes only to see Podrick’s hand going to his cheek and jaw; his face was clean-shaven after months —she assumed— of letting his beard grow.

That night, as they went on their nightly walk to the Weirwood Tree, she brought it up. “You’re not looking so scruffy, anymore.” _He was the King’s Ambassador and he had to look the part now._ He had been looking like another northerner among many but from the outside, it could bring him a few ill-intentioned comments.

Podrick smiled at her words, the fact that she brought it up was acceptable, if it had come from him she might have objected; “Yes, now I just hope that the soldiers and guards won’t give me grief about it.”

His transition for Guard to Ambassador had not gone smoothly with everyone in the North, notably, with his fellow warriors and he could understand why. First, he had been a foreigner coming to take over one of the most respectable jobs there was and then he got all the credit for saving the Queen after she was attacked only to land and even better position afterwards.

He had quickly set out to work against the jealousy, first with the groups of people who had offered encouragement by showing them that he was still one of them and that they needn’t treat him differently. Northerners tended to be closed off and difficult at times but, little by little, he had won them over.

Sansa didn’t meddle in the business between the castle’s workers, choosing to remain impartial, which was now the case, “It’s good to see your face again.”

Mentally, Podrick groaned at such words because they gave him hope once more, “Not as good as seeing yours, Ma’am,” he choose to say to return the compliment while giving her a side-glance to see her blushing, which made him smile. “I actually thought you liked the beard.” She hadn’t said otherwise but he wanted to take the shot to dig deeper.

Although her mind warned her against replying, she gave into the temptation even if she felt awkward doing it. “...No.” she answered simply though her blood was rushing.

“I won’t grow it again, then, for you. Even if it means I’ll freeze.”

_She liked him better without the unruly beard and for months she had wanted to ask him to get rid of it but it wasn’t her place,_ she smiled playfully giving him a tired sigh, “Men are so whiny. You’ll never see a northern woman complaining about not having a beard.”

Although he usually appreciated the ingenious ways in which she turned conversations and her sarcastic comments, right then, it was disheartening that she did so after getting his hopes up. “Have Helga shave hers and you’ll hear her complaining.” he said amused at his own words and knowing that so was she.

Maybe it was because the Western Lords came from the same place where Podrick was born but he had plenty of things in common with them and so he found himself establishing friendships and falling into easy conversations with them; this was also aided by his renowned relationship with Lord Tyrion and by proving to be a great host when she couldn’t —or didn’t want to— play the part.

He did so by taking them on outings through nearby lands or by sharing experiences that were not an option to her like going to the hot springs and wagering on who would resist the cold temperatures for longer and unsurprisingly winning since he had been in the north for nine months; that bet won him a small fortune that he promised to share with the soldiers who had joined them and who had tried to discourage them from playing those games.

Sansa realized that whenever _House Payne_ was mentioned, Podrick said nothing to explain his affiliation to it; he only hinted that he had little to do with its most prominent members but he didn’t hide how he became Lord Tyrion’s squire either.

“Say what you will of Lord Tywin but the man knew how to reward loyalty.”

_Lord Tywin was a man who incited hate as well as admiration even years after his death,_ “It was meant as punishment, for me and for Lord Tyrion, more for Lord Tyrion, actually.” Podrick replied unwilling to further the conversation about the man, _it wasn’t a good idea, especially here in the North_. He subtly shook his head at the lord when he realized the man was going to continue, as though to remind him —in case he had forgotten— where they were.

He looked back to the table where she was sitting with Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry, all of them frowning as they raised their cups to their lips.

The Lords spent a few more days in the castle and on their last night they were gathered in the Great Hall having a placid conversation that eventually led to what each of them would do if they had a few minutes to do whatever they wished without repercussions.

Sansa listened attentively, studying their motivations and concluding that for the most part they were greedy. She felt like she was being watched by none other than of Podrick and she tried to ignore him until she couldn’t anymore. Careful not to draw attention to herself, her eyes swept over the room before inevitably landing on his.

His relaxed posture hid any interest he might have had on the conversation; he was lying against the seat’s back, his legs were stretched out and he held a cup of wine on one hand, nonchalant, and as she held his gaze across the room she was the one left breathless, her mouth dry all of the sudden.

She flushed at the thought of what _he would want_. _Having accepted no reward for saving her life showed her that he wasn’t greedy at all._ She breathed deeply to rid herself of the weight in her stomach. That feeling hadn’t come back as strongly since Barrow Hall, five month ago. Her heart kept accelerating as he fixedly looked at her, his face was expressionless as he sat straighter to lean forward and give her all his attention and it made her avert his eyes, _feeling uncomfortable and breathless._

It took her only a few seconds to realize that Lord Harry witnessed the exchange between them just from the look he threw at her some instants later. When it was her turn to speak, Sansa also gave an answer to make her sound greedy, even talking about the gold that Lord Manderly was rumored to have hidden somewhere in his castle or the gold Lord Tyrion surely had lying in a vault somewhere. _Gold that could help the North._ However, her chest was constraining with the growing realization that she wanted to _kiss Podrick again_ and she spent the whole evening cursing the thought and filled with anxiety. A pleasurable pressure took hold of her lower abdomen, _a pressure that had never made its presence known before_ , and she couldn’t help but seek his eyes when she felt his on her and it only made the feeling stronger.

Podrick was feeling something between upset and thrilled with the situation.

The look on _Her Grace_ ’s eyes made it clear what it was that she wanted and his stupid knee-jerk reaction was to smirk when their eyes met but he kept control of his face as he reminded himself that it was _Her and a gesture like that probably wouldn’t work, making her run away instead._

_The situation was upsetting_ , to find that that even if for months he had refused to be interested in her, his body and mind betrayed him at the last moment just because of a captivating look from her or a nicely worded phrase. His eyes met hers and the air caught in his throat because of the depth, candor and naked interest in her eyes, _it was a tantalizing gaze and if he didn’t know better he’d say she was trying to seduce him, but he did know better and it was better to vanish such idle thoughts._ He found himself taking a deep breath before sipping from his wine.

When it was his turn, he opened his mouth to speak but a Lord he was barely acquainted with from his past beat him to it, stating that one needn't be a seer to know what he would do; he’d break his chastity vows to the King in a blink. Podrick swore at the man inwardly while he actually smiled and gave a dejected nod, then he stopped himself from looking at the Queen from then on since looking her way would mean proving the man right, it was _disheartening_.

And he just wanted a kiss from her. He’d be pleased with that. _He’d be happy tonight._

That in itself was a problem that he needed to nip in the bud, but he could only focus on her. _And on the rejection he’d be feeling later if he had the courage to propose another kiss to her._

Lord Harry could only hope that the lord’s comment and Ser Podrick’s appalling response would lead _Her Grace_ away from the mistake she was making _but he wasn’t too certain of that._ He was stewing in annoyance and disappointment when he saw the Knight standing up, downing the last of his wine and apologizing for retiring early as he needed to get some rest. He saw how the Queen looked and nodded at the knight as he left the room only for her shoulders to give a slight shake in a deep exhalation. _At least she could try to hide it!_

The friendship between the two wasn’t a secret to anyone, least of all him, but he couldn’t tell if there was _something more_ there because he had never been able to get actual proof. All he had was suspicious up until that night, _until he witness the way they looked at each other._

He had his spies, a soldier or two, a servant who’d report on Ser Podrick’s whereabouts and Guards and maids who would vouch for Her Grace’s, who would tell him that nothing inappropriate was happening between the two.Yes, she had spent time alone with Ser Podrick a couple of times, sometimes behind closed doors where no one could tell what they were doing but it was always in common rooms and whenever they had been interrupted they gave no indication that they had been up to something else.

_He had his doubts._

He had expected the worst from Ser Podrick _but not from her._ She was supposed to be a respectable woman but he was certain of her interest in the knight. _There was nothing to do, there;_ although more than once he had tried to belittle him on account of his reputation, she didn’t seem to mind it. _Or maybe that was what she secretly wanted_ ; a hateful voice whispered his worst fear in his mind.

Two hours went by fast and he wasn’t surprised when The Queen announced she’d be retiring at her usual time. He followed her with his eyes wondering if there was a chance that she was leaving to meet Ser Podrick.

The way in which _Her Grace_ had stared at the Guard-come-Ambassador for most of the evening told him _everything_. And who would be idiotic enough to reject her? _Ser Podrick definitely wasn’t, not after the looks she had been throwing him._ Both set of eyes were sparkling and he’d even go as far as to say they were blackened with lust.

He took a deep breath. He wanted to go after her and put a stop to what could be happening between them _or to confirm his suspicions._ But his disappointment rendered him unable to. He looked at Lord Cromwell in an attempt to share his concern with him — _because he couldn’t be the only one who suspected something_ — and when he had his proof and he confronted her, he didn’t want her calling him jealous. _He was_ , but he was more disappointed than anything.

_Utterly disappointed._

More than her honor, he worried about the realm _and the possible consequences of this indiscretion._

He could see the scandal coming a mile away.

_The Queen in the North seducing a_ _Kingsguard, making him break his vows to her own brother._ Because that’s how it would be regarded as, i _t wouldn’t be about Podrick Payne using his charms to seduce the Queen, playing with her._

_There was always all the more to lose for a woman’s reputation regardless of birth rights._

It would be a dishonor for them both. _Although, more for the Queen._ For her it’d be damming.

.

.

.

Sansa was rattled, _she needed to get him out of her head, she didn’t want to want to kiss him_ but as she was walking across the ramparts to the library, she was surprised when she saw him in the shadows of one of the court yards on the ground level. He was following her with his eyes and she knew then that _he had been waiting for her all this time._ Podrick knew her routine and she should have changed it right then and go directly to her room but instead she continued along as usual, partly hoping that he would join her and partly doubting that he would, though that was naive since he had waited for over two hours out in the cold.

Minutes later, once inside the library, she felt as hesitant as the first time. She was worried and a scared to the point of wondering if the pressure she was feeling from all the anxiety was normal under the circumstances of it was because of all her particular life experiences. Her instincts told her it was the latter. Before, in the Great Hall, she felt excited because her thoughts were a temptation unlikely to come to fruition but now she knew her fantasies could come true. She tried to get a hold of herself but it was useless.

When she felt Snow standing up and growling she told herself that it would be best to go along with her direwolf’s instincts and avoid Podrick. But as soon as he appeared on the doorway her heart burst in her chest, _“Snow!”_ she warned lowly and breathlessly to stop him from attacking.

_Podrick knew it was show time_ , if she rejected him again there was nothing else to do. _He would just give up_ , and he wouldn’t even entertain the thought that something could happen again. He kept telling himself that he wouldn’t break his vows to the King, but _he couldn’t pretend like this was a game either_.

_This was an impossible situation and the proof that life was full of ironies._ He had never had to worry about womanly attentions, _but there he was_ , _begging for the attention of the most unattainable of women._

Her own brother had sent him to look after her, _and there he was,_ trying to look after her in ways that the King hadn’t seen coming, ways that he would disapprove of.

He had never felt real affection for a woman, not for lack of wanting but because the possibility and the timing hadn’t been right before, _yet there he was… When had his esteem and compassion for her grown into affection? or was this only a very strong from of attraction?_

_There he was,_ about to gamble his heart for the first and only time. Because she was the _only woman in the world_ for whom he’d be willing to break his oath.

Rationally, he knew that her rejecting him would be the best for both of them.

_Or perhaps_ , it could be that by rejecting him she’d be making sure to keep him _even more_ foolishly obsessed with her.

_Or..._ if she gave in to him, that could be the key to getting her out of his head.

Maybe if she was more reachable he could take her down from the pedestal where he’d put her, maybe she would cease to be an impossible challenge. _Maybe he’d lose his interest in her._

In any case he had to act _now._

_He stepped into the library acting unconcerned of what the guards standing by the door could think._ If they even thought anything of it since it was normal for him to meet with her in this very room, it’s just that when Winterfell lacked visitors, the men didn’t use to guard her constantly or listen into her conversations.

He took a seat in front of her _, expectant_. They held each other’s gaze. Then she lowered her eyes to stare at the wooden table as though the notches and imperfections on it were utterly fascinating. Seeing that she wasn’t taking the first step he decided to take his shot, “That Lord was wrong... and I think you know it, I think you have a very clear idea of what I’d do if I had five minutes that would have no repercussions...” he murmured as low as he could, so low he wasn’t sure that she heard him. He only raised his voice slightly and his hand moved to hers in its own volition but he managed to stop himself from touching her, _“_ _A kiss from you, if you’d let me.”_

_If you’d let me, he was asking first and, didn’t that help ease her fears a little bit?_ She started to feel warm and she raised her eyes finding herself unable to fully hold his gaze, all she managed was to nod her head stupidly over and over, “...Five minutes sounds like too much time for just a kiss.”

He looked behind him to make sure that the guards couldn’t see them and then he risked it and grabbed one of her hands, since she didn't pull her hand away he felt himself smiling triumphantly while he caressed her, “...Someone must be doing something wrong, then...” and with those words, both felt the weight of the situation fall on them.

Out of the corner of their eyes, they both saw Snow standing up as he let a low roar from the back of its throat and Podrick saw her reaching for the wolf's fur with her other hand and without breaking his gaze as he let go of her hand, he swallowed nervously —not because of the animal, who was relegated to the back of his mind— but because he was overwhelmed by her.

_She still couldn’t believe he had said that_ , “I’m almost certain that our first kiss wasn’t... anything exceptional for you, why would you want a second one?”

Podrick decided to stop pretending and be honest. _The first time he had been too careful about everything he said to her_ but not this time, "For starters, the way you look at me. The way you smile at me. The way you talk to me and seek me out. How you keep me in suspense, how anxious you make me...” he realized he was giving more than she had asked for but he felt encouraged to continue so he took a breath and spoke as candidly as she had done in Barrow Hall, “I try not to show it because I don’t want to intimidate you, I don’t want you to think I’m an opportunist but... _I have lost my mind for you and we both know it_... and now we are better acquainted with each other, there’s trust between us, which lead me to believe this second kiss will involve more emotions than the first... and if it doesn’t... well, _that’s for the best._ It will help us put this behind us, _don’t you think?”_

She was stunned by all of his words coming so fast, her mind was still taking them in and the thought came again, _Podrick really knew how to express himself in that type of situation_ ; she liked his words way too much. _Everything he said sounded right, even the part about putting this behind them if things didn’t feel as expected._ Not that she knew what would happen if the kiss ended up meeting the expectations of their yearning hearts.

_She didn’t have a plan for that._

And she wanted this kiss, _even more_ that the first one, _as if that could even be possible._ _Five months... five months had passed since the first kiss and he hadn’t lost interest and neither had she..._ she could only say that the time that passed had served to let her get used to him and the new feelings that were coursing through her, to get better prepared for this moment.

She looked at the door unsure whether dismissing her guards would raise suspicion. “ _Do you still think that us, that this, is an illusion?”_

_Heavens, seeing her lick her lips while she looked at him lie that was going to be the death of him and… ‘us’? ...Was she already thinking in terms of ‘us’?_ “...The illusion should have disappeared by now but I’m even more taken with you.” _And it was to be expected_ , it wasn’t like either had tried to put distance between them, on the contrary, they had started to spend more time together than before, _“and you?”_

Sansa could only nod hesitantly, “...I don’t know what to think... what to feel.” she was surprised that she actually answered that, he was easy to talk to _even though talking about feelings was far from easy_ ; she felt like he didn’t judge her. _Like he never judged he_ r, “I’m still confused, though now it’s for different reasons.” he suddenly stood and she went to grab him by the arm to stop him from leaving but she stopped herself halfway and he noticed.

He kept his eyes on the hand that had shot off to grab him, “I’ll be in your study...” he whispered as he looked her in the eye again, “...I won’t blame you if you leave me waiting.” after all, she hadn’t given him spoken confirmation that she would act on her wishes. 

He took a big breath and as he left the library he made a point to say goodnight to her guards. He swiftly made his way to her study where the cold chilled him to the bone as soon as he stepped inside; the room was dark and there was no fire on the fireplace and no torches on since no one was expected to be using the room.

_She was a respectable woman_ , he didn’t expect her to want more than a kiss... _not two or three and least of all, something that lasted five minutes._ And still, the thought excited him more than any other romantic encounter he had ever had. _Sansa Stark, a woman like her... and it wasn’t because she was the Queen. It’s because she was Sansa Stark._

_And he was screwed._

_And... was it him or had the direwolf_ mostly _ignored him when he touched her hand?_ When they were in the library he barely noticed the presence of the wolf but he would have thought that daring to touch her would have been the tipping point for the wolf to savagely attack him.

As time passed and he started freezing he wondered for how long it’d be prudent to wait for her. _He wasn’t a fool or desperate enough to wait the whole night_ but he acknowledged the possibility that she was stopped by people _over and over like_ in Barrow Hall and if he got discouraged by the cold and his own impatience and he left, _he’d miss his chance once she was free_.

_It was likely that she wouldn’t show up_ , and after almost ten more minutes he was running out of hope but he decided to give it another five minutes. _He waited five months for the chance at this second kiss, five more minutes were nothing._ Soon enough, he heard the direwolf’s steps and heavy breathing on the hall. The cold in his bones was suddenly gone, warmth was coursing through him and his cheeks and neck were burning.

He stepped away from the doors trying to pay no mind to the usual growl that greeted him when she came in with the animal.

Sansa took a deep breath, _“Snow, down!”_ she whispered nervously. She caught a glimpse of Podrick when she opened the door but now they found themselves in total darkness. A heavy shuffling indicated that the direwolf lay at her feet. She took a couple of slow and careful steps, “I still don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Neither do I.” it was true, but he was grinning as he replied, joyful as he followed her voice to soon find her warmth. Snow’s menacing breathing made it clear that _he was being protective_ and Sansa could only assume that the wolf sensed her unease every time she was near Podrick and that’s why the animal distrusted and the man. “It’s alright, Snow. I’m fine.” she said as she heard it standing as she drew nearer to Podrick.

Without warning and as soon as he felt her within reach, he placed his hand on her back and though she stiffened she wasn’t stopping him. An instant later his mouth sought hers guided by her own warm breath and presence, and in the next instant he was pressing their lips together.

He felt as she tried to pull her face away but he softly chased her and she evidently reconsidered since she came back to press her lips more firmly against his. As an intense heat spread over his body, he started to open his mouth little by little, molding his lips to her soft and full ones. _He still couldn’t believe this was happening._ _This moment, this woman…_ He felt so elated that the feeling of the kiss became secondary as he focused on the rest; her soft, warm lips; her breath against his... and after some exquisite seconds he drew back as not to overwhelm her to then search for her eyes, not that he was able to see much.

_Another kiss in the dark._

She recognized she was feeling overwhelmed, overjoyed, even. There was something different about this kiss in contrast with the first one though she couldn’t put her finger on what it was and her train of thought was interrupted as she felt him kissing her again. She couldn’t say why but she found herself smiling and feeling him smiling against her mouth in kind; some seconds later, she put her hands on his shoulders because Podrick didn’t pull away immediately and so she felt like she had to, _“...Podrick...” she heard herself whimpering in a voice alien to her as she took stock of her overheated body._

Smiling, Podrick encircled her more firmly in his arms and his whispered words made her shudder, _“Ma’am?”_

_What was she supposed to say?_ With her heat beating through her chest she mirrored each and every soft and chaste peck that he placed on her lips.

He felt her responding tentatively at first but with each kiss he felt more triumphant. Still, she kept holding on to his shoulders to stop him from going too far, “don’t over-think it, just enjoy.”

_She was enjoying it!_ She was feeling hot and suffocated and the pressure on her lower abdomen was increasing. _This time the kiss was living up to her expectations and she was at a lost as to what to do with all the feelings coursing through her._ He made a path up her burning cheek, where he placed a final kiss before pulling apart and taking a big breath.

Reality started to set back in when Podrick kissed her forehead, and alongside it came feelings of _joy, affection and excitement_ taking over her. _She needed to tread lightly_ , she reminded herself as she cleared her throat, “...Honestly I think...this has been... enough.” Soon enough, she felt him loosed the arms encircling her, _in a show of respect for her wishes_ , though he made no move to put space between them. She was startled by something stroking up her leg but before she had time to be appalled at his insolence she realized it was Snow trying to get between them. _“Snow, no!”_ she ordered, fearing that he’d try to bite Podrick who released her completely against a protest from her mind and body.

“Are you alright, Ma’am?” he asked a bit annoyed at the animal, though he tried to put that feeling aside and remain as close to her as he possible until the wolf started growling, _or biting._

In turn, she took a couple of calming breaths. _All of this was too much, it felt like too much,_ she wanted to say but the words wouldn’t come out. _She didn’t know a kiss could feel like this._ Snow started moving more insistently and to rumble lowly, making Podrick back a couple of steps, _“No, Snow, settle down!_ ” Sansa commanded in a hush which earned her an answering growl, _He had never growled at her before!_ _“Snow, stop!”_ she ordered more authoritatively and he let out a whine before lying at her feet. She had to make an effort to get her feet out from under the animal.

“You have a very—” he was cut-off by a growl in his direction, “very jealous Pet.”

Snow stood up again and Sansa tried petting him, “ _Easy!_ ” she said in frustration, “ _Go to the door_ ,” but the wolf didn’t budge, “ _I’m fine._ ” She pleaded and after a few more playful strokes, he started to walk away.

Podrick looked towards the door he couldn’t make out much; he could only tell that the animal had stepped away by its breathing. “Did you bring him with you in case I tried something?” he asked as the thought crossed his mind, and fleetingly noticing that the wolf didn’t growl at him again.

“No... but to be honest, having Snow around made it easy for me to act... the way I did.” S _he was still surprised by her actions._

Podrick wondered what to do next since the bloody wolf had ruined the moment. _In his mind, it was his number one enemy and vice versa._ “The last time you didn’t seem to like my kiss too much, _did you like this one?_ ” he decided to ask, knowing beforehand what she’d say because that smile that broke out against his mouth _had already said everything._

By know she knew him well enough to make out the tease and grin he was sporting, _“...I fear my expectations were too high...”_ she answered unabashedly and relying on the darkness to be able to utter the words.

Podrick chuckled before feeling about to reach her again, “I fear your expectations are impossible, then. Tough, who knows, if you let me practice I might just meet them.” when he made contact with her arms he sought out her gloved hands. _“But really, did you enjoy it?”_

Sansa breathed in deeply, the silly smile he had provoked with his ludicrous words vanished from her face, _“I’m afraid I did...”_

The manner in which she spoke brought him back to reality and he decided to take this more seriously, _just like she did,_ especially since she wasn’t the only one who _should be afraid_ by her enjoyment of this.He was risking his honor as a Guard on a infatuation.

She licked her lips, “I kissed you, Podrick, and I liked it, believe me, that’s beyond what I imagined could happen to me a year ago, five years ago... enjoying a man’s presence...” she squeezed his hand, “not feeling scared by your nearness, by your attentions.” She wanted to say that that kiss, the kiss they had shared had left her _blissfully joyful_ _but saying it out loud would be admitting too much._ And no, she no longer believed that her damage was unfixable and it was all because of him.

He kissed her hands, pleased by her words. _By how far she had come._ By the chance that she could be happy in the future, _even if he knew he wouldn’t be part of it._ “I’m happy to hear that I’ve helped, ma’am.” He wanted to add that he’d made sure she wouldn’t forget him but he decided against it.

She couldn’t say why the conversation suddenly made her feel defensive. But she also realized that with Podrick she was getting _much more_ than she had thought, more than a friendship, more than a single kiss... “...I really don’t know what I’m doing with you, Podrick.”

He bit his lips as he squeezed her hands, “Casting-out loneliness?”

“...Yes...” _There was no doubt about it._ He released her and she was startled by the sudden feel of his hand cupping her face, his thumb drawing circles on her cheek. Her heart sped up and she closed her eyes to enjoy the feeling eve more.

Podrick was feeling breathless by the time he felt her hand on his, not to push his away as he would have feared but to caress him. He wished a thousand times that he could see her face right then, her eyes. He started to close the space between them as he felt her hand going to his wrist, to his forearm and feeling more confident, he bridged the distance to press their lips together in another kiss.

_It felt too good to be true,_ was the thought shared by the both of them.

Once again, Sansa submerged herself in the sensations for a couple of moments and then she pulled away. “This wasn’t what I had in mind _ohh_ _!_.. in the library...or in the Great Hall.” she released his elbow only to place her hand on his hip, ashamed by the moan that had escaped her and surprised that something as innocent as him softly caressing her neck, playing with the hair there, had that effect on her; _a frozen heat_ and a tickling down her back that made her shudder.

She curiously noticed her nipples hardening just as she heard noise behind her, _“Snow... No!”_ though she was secretly thankful for the respite the wolf was giving her. Then she heard it plopping back down.

“This is not what I had in mind...when I came North,” he admitted too as he touched his forehead to hers. He sensed that she was about to protest somehow and he interrupted her, but this time it wasn’t with a peck or a long press of their lips; this time he took advantage of her half open mouth to take hold of her lower lip between his to massage it five, six times, softly since he felt her hesitant as she mimicked his moves. _A wave of heat was coming off of her._ When they pulled apart neither said a word as they tried to control their breathing and their emotions. He touched her nose with hers, “Do you think it’s been more than five minutes?”

“No,” she admitted still at odds by how he had kissed her then and the gentle manner in which he treated her, touched her. All of it felt so intimate that she suddenly felt scared by the feelings he elicited when he touched her neck, “but it’s becoming too much... it feels like too much, _at least for me._ ”

Podrick understood, _she still had a wall to knock down and her words were enough for him to get it,_ he nodded and kissed her cheek before taking a step away from her and taking her hands once more. _He was still bewildered by what they had shared_. “What did you tell your guards?”

“That I was looking for a scroll and they could wait for me by my room.” _She never thought she’d be acting this way... what would her mother think? Her septas?_ But she found the thought ridiculous.

Podrick nodded, “You should leave, then. I’ll wait here for a few more minutes.”

She nodded in agreement and surprised that he didn’t ask for a goodbye kiss, _maybe because she wanted one_ , “Goodnight, Podrick.”

“Until tomorrow, Ma’am.”

No more words were needed. This encounter was what they had done if they had five minutes to do something free of consequences, they both new that by tomorrow it would be as though it had never happened. That was the only reason why she let it happen as freely as she did.

Still, even before leaving the room they knew that there would be repercussions.

.

.

.

The next morning, Lord Harry subtly asked about the Queen’s whereabouts the night before; her guards told him she had spoken shortly with Ser Podrick in the library and that they stood guard by her door for the rest of the night. Lady Rose confirmed it as well as other maids. Everything seemed in order on Ser Podrick’s end too.

So he was unsure if he was making too much of what he had seen or if they were stopping themselves from acting on their desires. _Or when and how they were sneaking around to meet up..._

When Podrick met her in the morning and saw her blushing as she caught sight of him, he couldn’t help himself, “Blushing suits you, ma’am,” he said daringly as they walked along a corridor. She lowered her head to hide her reaction since a castle worker was about to cross their path. He kept on grinning.

What happened in that room stayed in that room, neither one made mention of it though both knew it had had an impact on the other.

.

.

.

After what happened she set out to be _more_ careful with hiding her soft spot for him but she faltered at times, _and so did he_ , by continuing to find his comments amusing, by blushing around him and by stealing glances between them.

Not a month had passed when one day Lady Rose, who was keeping her company in her chambers and helping her with her braids, spoke, “You like him...”

“What?” Sansa asked wondering what she meant.

“You like Ser Podrick.” she could tell from all the times she’d seen them talking; sometimes they even seemed to forget they had company.

_...What was the point of lying when the young woman wasn’t someone important?_ “I do.” she replied while she held Lady Rose’s gaze on the reflection in the mirror.

“And you don’t like a lot of people.”

“It’s not that I dislike them, it’s just that I’m mistrustful.” She admitted again, “I’ve told you that most people seem to expect something from me and—”

“And what does Ser Podrick expect from you?” she dared ask impulsively though she knew it wasn’t her place to speak to the Queen _like that._

Sansa raised her eyebrow but she couldn’t react with more than amusement at the young woman’s embarrassment. Sometimes when she spent time with the girl she was reminded of Shae and how the woman had tried to counsel her, just as she nowadays was triying to do with the young lady, _“Something you wish to say, Lady Rose?”_ had it come from someone else the question might have embarrassed her, but the girl was only four or five and ten, just _a girl in her eyes. A girl who barely knew anything about the world._

She found herself mumbling and stepping backwards as the Queen turned to face her, blushing even more profusely, “...You always warn me about men and their intentions... so I...”

_“...You’re returning the favor?”_

“I suppose, _I don’t know._ I’m just concerned.” She looked her in the eye knowing she couldn’t keep hiding what was coming, “And...Lord Harry and Lord Cromwell keep asking me questions about you and Ser Podrick that I don’t like; _I don’t know what to make of it..._ ”

_That surprised her._ It made Sansa pause and then stand, _she had expected something like this, to a certain point_ , after all, a lady-in-waiting was there to make sure a lady’s virtue would remain intact, it was just that she was too old to have people looking after her inexistent virtue. _And yet_ , it was tradition, she liked and was amused by the girl; she didn’t see why she’d have to dismiss her from her service.

She went to her bed to put on the light coat that had been lying there, “There’s no need to have so many doubts filling your head. The lords worry over my friendships with Ser Podrick _because, as you said already, I’m not usually friendly.”_

That had Lady Rose on edge, “ _I apologize, My Queen_ , but if I may... _You’re too friendly with him._ ” she stated while looking at the floor.

She leveled a stern gaze at the girl, “Is that your opinion or some notion Lord Harry got into your head?” _she dismissed Lord Cromwell’s involvement knowing how differently he operated; he would just speak to her frankly and politely._

_“That’s my opinion.”_

Sansa nodded pensively, “It’s only a friendship, Lady Rose. Ser Podrick has known me for longer than most people in this place.” She saw the girl nodding at her reassurance, “Now go get some sleep and rest assured I’m not going to sneak Ser Podrick into my chambers.” The girl immediately flushed red and she lowered her head, _Sansa could only assume that was what Lord Harry had been asking about..._

_“I know you wouldn’t do that. I know you haven’t,”_ she protested.

_Of course she knew it, the girl practically slept with her every night._ She signaled her to leave and then she went back to sit on her boudoir to work on untangling her braids on her own. _Lord Harry probably had been questioning her Queensguard too, even if the only guarded her chambers when there were visitors in Winterfell._

Lady Rose set to collect the clothes even though that wasn’t part of her duties and she stopped before exiting the room, “I am sorry, Ma’am, if I upset you with this conversation.”

Sansa cared for the young lady and so she walked towards her with a sigh before taking her hands, “You didn’t.” she said, and knowing that the girl returned her affection, she decided to play her cards while caressing her blond hair, “But you know me and the fact that you were so easily convinced that I’m acting improperly is disappointing.”

_“I didn’t believe it!_ ” she claimed raising her head to look at the queen and feeling awful.

“...But you doubted me, _didn’t you?”_ without waiting for an answer, Sansa went back to the boudoir, “No one else hears about this conversation, not even the Lords. _That’s an order.”_

That night, Sansa was unable to find a restful sleep.

.

.

.

In the following days she found herself waiting for Lord Harry to approach her with the subject but it was Lord Cromwell who finally did, though she knew it was at Lord Harry’s behest.

“I try not to judge, Ma’am, and I know you well enough to know there’s nothing improper in your friendship with Ser Podrick, but what I think is different from what others in the castle may think, the workers, the lords... Sadly, this world is built on gossip.”

Lord Cromwell was one of the few people who were aware of the true nature of the emotional damage that Lord Bolton had caused her and so it was evident that it was Lord Harry who thought that she was sneaking Podrick into her room, or somewhere else, “If I ended my friendship with Ser Podrick, if I stopped talking to him, it would be inconsiderate. And if I started to have our meeting in private then we would _certainly_ be feeding the rumors.”

“I understand the dilemma, Ma’am. I just needed to warn you.”

“No need for warnings, Lord Cromwell. I’m very aware how my actions are perceived... I’ve always known how to behave and this is no exception. But I appreciate the concern.”

“I feel like you’re dismissing my warning, Ma’am, you might have an aversion to certain type of men, and to marriage, but my growing concern is that you seem to have a real connection with Ser Podrick. You might not be acting on it but emotionally, the difference in you can be spotted by miles.” He noticed that his words upset her and so he smiled, “My Queen seems happier lately, especially when you’re talking to him.”

She didn’t want to seem as affected as she was by those words so she feigned calm even though everything in her was protesting, _“That would be all for now, Lord Cromwell.”_

She could tell that the man didn’t take the dismissal badly as she followed him with her eyes until he crossed the door only to fall against her chair to think. _She was making a mistake but didn’t she deserve a sliver of happiness after all she had endured?_ After Ramsay she never thought a good man could be genuinely interested in her or that she could return his feelings.

.

.

.

Meanwhile Podrick was keeping his distance; he only came close when she allowed it. He slowly came to the realization that one of the things that pleased her was when she made him blush on purpose, like when she told him about earning the title of her _Favorite Guard,_ but she didn’t like it when he turned the tables on her yet he sometimes tried to get away with it.

“Do you remember that talk we had in front of Lord Harry and Lady Rose? when you told me that people would take advantage of me because I’m so nice?”

_She seemed to remember that._ She nodded.

_“...You are taking advantage of me, Ma’am.”_

Those words were discouraging to her though she wasn't sure why. She slowed her steps, “...Is that really what you think?” she asked flustered, mentally disagreeing with that assertion.

Podrick smiled, “ _Sometimes._ Or tell me, Am I wrong?”

Sansa was about to argue but instead she thought about it better and she realized that although it wasn’t her intention she kept him in a sort of suspense, he was always hoping for more closeness between them yet he settled for her friendship, “Does it bother you?”

_Sometimes._ “…I’ll let you know when if it starts to...”

Sansa gave it more thought for a while and then she decided to speak, “All of this is new for me, I’ve told you... I think I’m getting used to it but I’m still not fully comfortable... with this thing between us.” she avoided his eye as he turned to her, “just... have more patience with me. I’m not playing games and I’ll not take advantage.”

Podrick went from being amused by the conversation to being surprised and then a bit thrilled. “All the patience in the world,” he said softly wishing but unable to bring her hand to his lips and instead settling for _accidentally_ grazing the back of her hand with his as they walked.

A couple of steps later she made him smile when she grazed his hand back. _He wanted to say he had all the patience in the world but not all the time, though he didn’t because saying that would mean he was pushing her._

“Actually, even if I had had a different life experience I think I wouldn’t know how to act in this situation,” Sansa mused wanting to downplay what had just been said, “Mother certainly didn’t raise me to get infatuated with a boy and sneak around to kiss him.”

A smile bloomed across Podrick’s face, “You’re a true lady, I know.”

Sansa also smiled at that as she wondered how he had acted in this type of situation before her but being too ashamed to ask.

.

.

.

As far as his work as a _supposed_ Ambassador, Podrick had quite a lot of free time because he only had to attend some council meetings and write to Lord Tyrion about a couple of things through scrolls. So he continued training as a soldier; he would rise early to do some exercise with the men, then he’d attend meetings and he’d be free in the afternoon. He decided to use that time to start reading some of the books that Lord Cromwell had suggested but he tended to fall asleep halfway through them thus making him realize he would leave politics to others.

He also found it easy to establish friendships among the lords who would visit the castle whether they were coming from the North or elsewhere since some of them even recognized him from previous visits to the King of the Six Kingdoms. Podrick was aware that those friendships were mostly false and rooted in convenience but he still enjoyed them, particularly in the occasions when the visitors wanted to do some sight-seeing and visit nearby spots; then, he would join them out of _politeness,_ though he truly did enjoy getting out of the confinement of the castle for a while.

_If there was something he loved about the North_ , that was it, taking a horse on the afternoons when he was free and ride without a care or a destination in mind... _The pure and cool air, the sense of freedom... the peace._ There were some disadvantages too, like the cold and the absence of a well-stocked city, the mud everywhere and the wet clothes after any and all outings... but he almost always decided to focus on the good parts.

Without planning to or even seeing it coming, in the eyes of the visitors he had risen within the castle’s hierarchy. To the Queen and her council either he wasn’t quite up to his position or they truly didn’t have much for him to do, but the people visiting didn’t know that... and in the long run they didn’t care; what they cared about was being a single person away from the _Queen in the North_ and from _The King of the Six Kingdoms himself._

He was getting more respect as the King’s envoy and he couldn’t stop it when, during a visit to the former Dreadfort, the castle’s lord stated that he was the single most important man in Winterfell, after the Queen, _of course._ He swallowed uncomfortably before correcting the man and _thankful that she wasn’t present for once,_ “Appearances, my Lord, I’m just a Knight and a Kingsguard who’s temporarily performing a different duty. Rest assured that back at Wintefell I fall well below her council and her trusted personnel, as I should. The North comes first, as she would say.” His cheeks were aflame at the realization that if he started to believe the lord’s words he would _almost_ be on the same level as the Queen.

_And he would be more deserving of her attention._

The lord was smiling appreciatively at Ser Podrick’s words so Lord Harry intervened, “ _Oh_ , don’t be fooled by our new Ambassador’s words, although usually quiet he’s got a way with people and he knows to say what they want to hear...” but it only took him a few seconds to realize that his words fell flat because all the lords, _absolutely all, were left staring at him unamused_. “I see,” he tried a smile, “Just a joke for another audience.”

The Lord who ruled over the castle was a twice-removed cousin of Lord Royce’s who had been married to a Northern lady for quite some time and had been granted the place by the Queen herself. _That’s how the Queen secured his allegiance._

The castle was a large one, one she had wanted demolished at first but she eventually got around to the idea that the building was valuable. Its new lords and the workers from the nearest town turned the place upside down to get rid of all the horrific objects that adorned its walls along with the torture chambers, trophy halls and endless rows of cells that could probably never be filled. Big efforts were made to rebuild the entrance to put an end to its horrific look as well as to the supposed curse that had haunted the place for centuries and which was the result of all the atrocities committed inside it walls. They did everything they were told: herbal cleanses recommended by superstitious people, hanging good luck charms around the place and even bringing priestesses from the other continent.

And all they did, they did both for their family and because by the Queen’s decree; every northern castle was bound to welcome the people when winter came just as Winterfell had always done. The name of the castle was also changed to allude to the crystal waters of a nearby river and to the Queen’s eyes.

_Her Grace_ cared very little about the fate of the keep but she appreciated the effort and that they followed her orders about what to do in winter. _However, she would never set foot on that place_ ; that was something she had admitted to Podrick before his departure. That was the reason for the delegation that Podrick was joining.

“You and your dry sense of humor, huh, Lord Harry?” the lord said in a tone that said he didn’t find the comment amusing _at all._ Podrick remained silent but little by little he was losing his patience with the lord, _and the gods knew he had quite a lot of it._

Once he returned from the visit, a scroll had been waiting for him. The Three-Eyed-Raven seal was unbroken. As he read the news, he became more and more convinced that the queen would not like this at all. As soon as he was finished he went looking for her and waited outside her study until she was left alone, “I received a letter from your brother, Ma’am.”

She looked up right away; ever since turning him into his Ambassador, Bran had stopped writing her choosing instead to write Podrick directly. _It bothered her, she couldn’t deny it._

Podrick took a deep breath as _he decided to start with the good news_ , “He says that all Northern lords are loyal to you, even if some don’t like you they still respect you and remain loyal. None of them are interested in rising up in arms against you.”

_That was good, it gave her some peace of mind_ , but from Podrick’s serious face she knew there was more. She gestured for him to continue.

“Also... there was an assassination attempt against the King a couple of weeks ago _but don’t worry! Everything’s fine!_ He saw it coming and they couldn't even get near him,” he added in a rush to deliver the news, “he barely mentioned on the letter, he mostly wanted to let you know that your treacherous lords had the support of an unhappy faction that wished to destabilize his rule... by starting with yours.”

_“What?”_

Podrick shrugged and shook his head, “Like I said, he didn’t explain much, he just wants you to know that he dealt with the culprits and that you should stop fearing another attack. Oh, and that you shouldn’t seek further retaliation in the south or go looking for information that he already buried. _‘It’s been handled.’_ was the last thing he wrote.”

Inside, Sansa was screaming in rage at Bran’s casualness, _at how little he said_ “ _Would It be too much trouble if_ I _read the letter, Ser Podrick_?”

In the middle of her sentence, Podrick was already taking it out of his pocket, “I’m hoping to receive at least a letter from Ser Brienne or Lord Tyrion in the next couple of days with more explanations.” He added, though he didn’t think she was listening to him since her focus was on her brother’s letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I love this translation and fangfaceandrea's efforts!


	12. Chapter 12

“Ser Podrick is quite a catch, a Knight, a Kingsguard, a hero, an ambassador, honorable and brave by all accounts...not to mention, the most virtuous lover Westeros has seen.”

Sansa looked on as Lord Harry threw that dig against Podrick and she could tell that it served its purpose of shaming him because he was forcing a smile.

“Pardon my words, _My Queen_.” Lord Harry added with a smile.

Not for the first time she realized Lord Harry seemed to want to make Podrick’s popularity grow since his reputation wasn’t _entirely_ known to everyone. To Lady Wylla, for instance, who at the moment was whispering with her sister with obvious disapproval on her face, and she could tell by the look of curiosity of several Lords and Ladies that they didn’t understand where the words were coming from.

She didn’t stay silent, though, “ _is that envy I hear_ , Lord Harry?” she asked mockingly, making the room burst into laughter followed by the lords thumping their cups on the table to cheer her on. The man just blushed and fell silent.

Her eyes went to Podrick, who was hiding his smirk behind his cup to then raise his eyes to her for a second and slightly bow his head to her in thanks. But they broke their gaze almost immediately because neither wanted their guests to take notice of the kinship between them.

_“Oh Podrick, if only you weren’t a Kingsguard, the life you could have!”_ Lord Manderly said which served to have other lords raising their cups in agreement.

“I heard a third of the women in Westeros went into mourning when they heard the news of you becoming a Kingsguard.” More laughter erupted.

It was clear to Sansa that they would keep joking about this and without thinking her eyes went to him; she studied him as his smile grew instead of faltering, obviously finding the words funny and she couldn’t help but feel ... _a sinking feeling… disappointment? annoyance?_ In her discomfort she looked around the room and she failed to avoid Lord Harry’s reproachful eyes, where she could read the question _‘Is that what you want?’_ but she refused to let him know of her own disgust with the situation so she defiantly jutted out her chin.

“Tel me, what was it like knowing you only had to speak your name out loud to get a handful of curios women ready for you?”

“Lord Tyrion speaks highly of you,” another Lord interjected, “and he has told me that, had you set your mind to it in your youth, you could have bankrupted half the brothels in Westeros.” Guffaws all around.

Podrick wasn’t above being somewhat amused by all the ludicrous chatter, “believe me, my Lords, those are just jests and exaggeration.” he decided to interject at last to put a stop to the talk because it was one thing to hear it while men were joking around but there were women present, _even worse, the Queen was there_ _!_ But what followed his words was another blast of laughter. Before taking another sip of his ale, he added, “Besides, I think I’m still in my youth.”

_“Eh, not so much and anyway, what good is it being young if you can’t fuck...”_

The man who spoke was obviously drunk and Lord Cromwell could see that some of the ladies — _but not all—_ were scandalized by the comment while Ser Podrick turned red and mumbled something as he threw a quick glance at the Queen only to look somewhere else immediately after. That’s when he decided to stand, “My Lords, do remember we’re in the presence of Ladies.” he stated and was met by a multitude of apologetic murmurs, “Let’s show some respect,” he asked, suspecting that, if unchecked, from here on the talk would only get _more_ tawdry.

She’d like to be above being embarrassed by such talk and she would often think she had gotten used to the lords drunken and vulgar yammering only to find them remembering that she was a woman. That was the chief reason why she’d leave all festivities just before the merriment turned to something heavier. The room settled down some and a moment later Lady Cromwell stood and went to Sansa with a kind smile on her face.

_“Men...”_ she said to the Queen who shook her head in reply, “I wonder what their reaction would be if all the women in the room joined in and started talking about womanly matters.”

“We would apologize and then we’d leave, dear.” Lord Cromwell answered his wife.

“You’d run for the hills, dear.” she saw the Queen’s smile turned more sincere. “That’s a gorgeous dress, My Queen, did you sew it yourself?” she noticed her husband standing up and so she took his seat next to the queen.

“Sadly, Lady Cromwell, I don’t have much time to sew these days.” she looked at the other woman’s dress and though she had taken noticed of the fabric and brocade from afar, seeing the elegant stitching up close was striking, “your work is magnificent, as always.” The lady let the Queen admire her dress and trace her fingers over the fabric. “Lady Cromwell, have I told you that the few good memories I have of the last winter are of those rare occasions when we passed time stitching?”

The lady smiled at her “For me as well.” that had been a good way to distract themselves from the darkness outside, the freezing cold, the deafening silence, the enclosure and anxiety that overwhelmed them. Of course that was only in the beginning, when everything was calm but when time started passing and the food and wood became scarcer, the anxiety and exasperation kept growing. For her, it had been the worse two years of her life and she had heard other northerners who had never lived through a winter say the same.

The Queen never complained _but she always seemed worried._ She decided to reminisce about those times aloud as they shared some wine. That was the first time that the Queen admitted to her how scared she had been during that winter. By the end, she was overwhelmed by her role as Queen as all of her council and maesters could attest to; she had also known it even without her husband telling her about it.

After a while of conversation Lady Cromwell retired and she was about to do the same when Lady Wynafryd and Lady Wylla approached to discuss trivial matter, so she settled into conversation comfortably even if she was not too aware of the mummers plays and songs that had people talking at the moment. The conversation turned serious at certain point, they went over economic matters and Wynafryd let Wylla take the reins of the conversation, which Sansa remarked upon since it was Wynafryd who was the heir, _though neither seemed to take issue with it_ , and when she asked about it after taking a sip of wine, she was met by two smiles.

“Since we were little what was mine was also Wylla’s and what was hers was mine.” Wynafryd answered as she refilled the Queen’s cup.

Wylla knew that her sister’s words were _now_ solidified by her choice not to have a family of her own, _“Except her husband”_ she added jokingly.

Wynafryd was surprised at her sister’s words uttered in front of the Queen but she only rolled her eyes before agreeing with her, “Family always comes first. And Wylla has always been better with numbers than me. Once grandfather is gone I’ll have no issue with leaving the finances in her and our family advisors’ hands.” She said. She was also well aware that Wylla was more familiar with the Queen that she, “I’ll leave you for now, though, I don’t want grandfather to drink too much, the maesters forbade it but look at him with another cup in is hand.”

Sansa’s eyes followed her as she chastised the old man, _who didn’t appreciate it at all._

“The Maesters say that if he doesn’t change his eating habits and the way he drinks, he’ll be digging his on grave soon.” Lady Wylla added as she noticed the Queen regarding their family dynamics.

Sansa nodded as she stood up, wishing to leave the room for this conversation and being followed by Snow. Once in her solar, they went over some troubles over at White Harbor but the Manderlys were one of the few vassals who didn’t come to her demanding money and presenting their problems, which was a refreshing change from other lords, _and it was surprising too_ , since they were located in the largest city in the North and their pressing issues were bigger than in other villages.

Nonetheless, Sansa knew that Wylla meant to get ahead of the rest of the gathered Lords by sealing a deal that would benefit White Harbor over Winterfell without knowing that even so, the north, from Winterfell to Castle Black would also reap its benefits, _but accepting that deal wasn’t something she could just do without consulting her advisors first._ “I have a mind to build a small port up in Long Lake so that we are able to make a better trade route along Acorn Water and White Knife to deliver provisions faster from White Harbor.” She decided to bring a new deal to the table.

_That_ had always been the idea, “But you know that we’ve always held back because of the strong currents and the rocky patches along the rivers that stop us from moving heavy cargo.”

“I know, but that could change. I’ve heard news of woods imported from Essos that seem to be proving useful in Riverrun and I want to build one or two ships with it here to see how it goes.” Lady Wylla raised her brows before nodding to the idea. Sansa took a second to let the woman work out that if things went well both _White Harbor_ and her family would me amongst the ones who had more to gain from such investment. _And Sansa could tell that sharing the information had the desired effect, she’d get her main investor if her plan was successful_.

“I’ve heard that those imported woods can be used in all sorts of endeavors. In fact, a large stock has reached the shores of Westeros. It’s mainly owned by my uncle Edmure, who seems quite pleased with the results, so when I heard it I decided to invest and bring a sample to the North. The wood will reach White Harbor in a few weeks and I already got in touch with a shipyard master.”

The shipyard and the reason why she hadn’t consulted the Manderlys before were the subjects they discussed for the next minutes. Sansa offered the information that she thought was necessary to pique her interest so that she would bring the matter to her grandfather and sister. They spent some time like this until Wylla purposely decided to change the subject, “It seems Ser Podrick has taken a liking to the North.” she said going straight to the point.

Sansa raised her eyes _suspicious of where this was going_. “And the North to him.”

“The North or you?” she asked daringly and knowing, thanks to a few birds of her own, that the Guard-come-Ambassador kept his distance during the Lords’ visits, while the rest of the time they got on splendidly, _splendid enough to give rise to the odd rumor here and there._

Sansa was feeling attacked but she decided to face it head on, “We’ve known each other since we were children, do you really think I’d act improperly?” she asked bewildered. _The liberties she had granted Podrick were one thing, but whatever Lady Wylla was imagining was another thing altogether. And she assumed the woman’s imagination was running wild after what she had heard of the knight in the Great Hall._

Lady Wylla harrumphed quietly. _They tended to talk without mincing words when it came to business and to some personal matters_ , but it was _The Queen_ , she was speaking to now and they had never talked about something _as personal_ so openly, “We all go through different things in life. We change, we evolve, and we go backwards... I see a possibility in everything, Ma’am.”

Without wiping the smile form her face, Sansa stood. For her, acting in the improper way in which Lady Wylla was insinuating was beyond unthinkable, _it was impossible_ , “...No need to worry, Lady Wylla. I know my place and my duty.”

Lady Wylla, alongside _Snow_ , also stood deciding not to keep quiet because she had a strong hunch, “Even if he wasn’t a Kingsguard and there was a chance for a union between you two, _Podrick Payne_ is not husband material for the _Queen in the North._ _You heard how they speak about him!”_

_Union?... Husband?_ Sansa was taken aback, _that_ hadn’t crossed her mind and she frowned as she considered it, not quite recovered from the woman’s words. _But then again, what was she playing at with Podrick?_ Those thoughts, she decided to leave for later, “...I think you forget that the last thing I want is a marriage.” She was referring to a conversation they had had long ago. For different reasons, both shared an aversion to a future union that paved the way to a kinship between them since they both felt the stress of wanting to go against the norm. But unlike Wylla, Sansa knew she was the last hope of passing on her family name, _their legacy_ , so she knew that a marriage and children were the steps she’d have to take some day _and she would_ , but for now she wasn’t at all interested in doing her duty.

She walked the lady to the door as she was unable to shake the thought that the time to form a family was coming for her, “Lady Wylla, I haven’t changed my mind, _least of all because of Podrick Payne_ ,” which was true, she might be besotted with him, _infatuated even_ , but she had never considered him as a possibility. _When the time came to take that final step she’d have to choose a man that, besides being decent, would benefit the North._

_That was what she had been expecting, at least, not that she could believe it entirely_. “I’m sorry for being so direct; I know it’s not my place. It’s just that I worry for you as much as I worry for the realm.”

Sansa granted her that, “I’ve found a friendship and mutual fondness in Ser Podrick that I didn’t see coming. And it’s a friendship that connects me to those close to my heart in _Kings Landing.”_ she offered, trying not to seem too defensive because she knew that depending on her reaction, there could be even more questions, _which was something she could not let happen._

Wylla smiled politely but unconvinced. Still, the information she had gotten pointed to the same claims the Queen was making, to her fondness for Podrick, to their friendship, and none of her spies were able to tell her how deep that _friendship_ truly was.

“That’s all there is, Lady Wylla, nothing for you to worry about.”

She wasn’t at all clear that that was her dismissal and as she left the room she noticed nether the Queen nor the Wolf were following her, “Aren’t you going back to the Great Hall?”

She shook her head, “...It’s time I retire.” She was expecting Lady Wylla to say something else, on pushing to get more answers but instead the woman just pet Snow, who wagged his tail in return.

Once she found herself alone, she went back to her desk lost in the thought of what had been said and what she heard about Podrick in the Great Hall. _He was definitely not husband material for her —not that she had entertained the thought—_ and it wasn’t like his reputation had mattered until now but for the first time she was disturbed by the mockery that would come if people found out about her infatuation with _him out of all the men in Westeros._

_‘We change, we evolve, and we go backwards... I see a possibility in everything, Ma’am.’_

Sansa was aware of her own ability to adapt to the circumstances; she had to work on it ever since she first arrived in Kings Landing. And after everything she had gone through she had evolved, she wasn’t the innocent girl she once was, her eyes had been forcefully opened... she’d never be that girl again, she knew too much about the horrors of the world to have an unmarred mind, to go backwards, it was only forwards for her...

And that Sansa of two and ten would have never thought about hiding away to kiss Podrick Payne —or any other young man— yet she had done so filled with curiosity and rebelling against everything she was.

When she made up her mind to go look for him in Barrow Hall she was overly aware that she was not acting as a Lady ought to, _but what good had acting like it had done for her anyway_?

So she hadn’t given it much though, she just refused to deny herself what she wanted. She hadn’t looked down on Ser Brienne when she found out about her liaison with Jaime Lannister and Arya hadn’t lost the place in her heart once she started hearing rumors that linked her to Gendry Baratheon. The Sansa of old would have been appalled but Ser Brienne and Arya had followed their hearts and wants and though things hadn’t ended well, she knew that at least Ser Brienne had no regrets... and that made her act on her own yearnings while understanding fully that she didn’t want from Podrick Payne more than a kiss.

_Well, that had changed by now._

Now she wanted his presence, his talks, _his attention,_ his compliments and innocent caresses... she was finding some pleasure in them and she couldn’t lie to herself about it. What she didn’t know yet was what she thought she was playing at. And she didn’t know what he thought about this whole situation because as much as they talked, they always avoided talking about what was happening between them. 

She took a deep breath trying to shake the thoughts away, _at least for now._

She decided to go to the library for a book to distract her from her worries, plus going in that direction meant avoiding the Great Hall altogether and not taking the risk of running into one of her visitors looking to have a chat with her.

As she stepped through the antechamber at the rear of the library, she saw that the torches were lit. And by the time the direwofl started growling it was too late, she was already pushing through the door and groaning quietly as she found none other than _Ser Podrick_ sitting in there with a flagon of wine, “... _Snow_.” she warned to stop him from growling. Oddly enough, she didn’t feel uncomfortable by the turn of events, nor was she upset by what she had heard hours before, “Hiding from Lord Harry’s words?” she ventured to ask.

Podrick stood while she remained by the door hesitant on whether to join him or not. “You’ll have to forgive me when the Lord and I inevitably start a fight.” he said making her frown in surprise at the words, and then he cleared his throat, “And I have to thank you, ma’am, for putting him in his place as cunningly as you did.” Had they been alone, he wouldn’t have kept silent; he would have told or shown him where he could stick his remarks.

He wasn’t smiling, which was unusual in Podrick, and it showed her that her advisor's words had really bothered him, “I only spoke the truth, it sounded like envy.” _He appeared envious to others but she knew he was jealous._ Her hand went to the door frame as though to remain there for a bit longer.

_“Envy or jealousy?”_ his eyes sought hers as he awaited an answer they _both_ already knew.

_“Jealousy?”_ she asked surprised, unaware that Podrick knew of the Lord’s unrequited feelings.

_“You know very well that he is not envious of my reputation.”_ he smiled, feeling suddenly affected by her, and her eyes and blush told him she was too, “The Queen appears friendlier toward me than him.”

Lady Rose came to her mind, then, “...Not too friendly, I hope.” she couldn’t help the unabashed flirting in her tone _even if she hadn’t meant to sound like tha_ t.

Podrick sighed _, she was good at evading the subject_ , “Oh, _sometimes you are_ , Ma’am.” she hid from no one that she enjoyed his presence and conversation, and though they weren’t an everyday occurrence, it was only a matter of time before the lords and ladies started to take notice or started getting the odd comment and then questions and rumors would arise. He was expecting a repeat of a conversation they had couple of months before when she asked him if he thought their friendship was improper. _But she didn’t say a word._

Lately, she had wondered if Podrick truly enjoyed _all_ of their conversations or if he was just pretending because she was _The Queen_ and he feel the need to entertain her... or if he really was expecting something in return. _She wanted to ask that question, but not that night_.

He saw that she was about to leave and so he spoke, “If you’ll indulge me with your company for a few minutes I’ll tell you about one of the ironies in my life.”

The worst part was that she was interested in whatever it was he wanted to tell her, “Are you feeling lonely, Podrick?” she asked as she crossed the threshold and her face warmed up. His eyes were expectant and she saw him swallowing nervously, surely remembering the last time they’d been alone in Barrow Hall. Or the last time they’d kissed _to cast out loneliness._

_Was she playing games on purpose?_ “...Sometimes it’s hard not to feel lonely but no, I’m mad at Lord Harry.”

“Hmm that’s something I can understand.” and she was curious after what she heard in the east, _but a different kind of curious than, from what the lord said,_ _other women felt about Podrick._ She knew she shouldn’t but she came closer and took one of the cups only from him to take it from her while grazing her fingers with his in a manner that was far from accidental. As feelings rushed through her, she observed him filling her cup and giving it back, but this time he made no attempt to touch her.

“Remind me again why he advices you?”

She fixed her eyes on his cup, “he has valuable connections and points of view. He’s one of my best advisors.” _But she didn’t want to talk about that,_ “Tell me, then, about _one_ of the ironies of your life.”

Podrick found himself stuttering and _regretting this already_ , but what was done, was done, he slumped into his seat carelessly, making it creak, “I’m sure you’ve heard where my... reputation comes from.”

“If I remember correctly the last time we skirted over the matter you said it was improper.” _So what had changed? Everything._ They both knew it even if they weren’t saying it.

Nodding, he continued, “and you said then that you didn’t want to talk about it, you just wanted to tease me. Well, what I’m about to tell you will have you laughing at me...if you promise not to tell anyone.”

_She was no longer certain that she would find whatever this was amusing, given the annoyance she felt in the Great Hall when the topic was brought up._ Still, her cheeks reddened, “Is this about the whores who refused your coin?” _she couldn’t bring herself to believe that story._

He blushed in turn as he nodded, “....Well, the truth is they did just not because I... astonished them with my prowess... but because I sang to them and I was respectful.” he had sung and he had gotten sex advise that he had put to test with them and he had pleased them, _but it wasn’t anything as out of the ordinary as to have earn the title of the Best Lover in Westeros, it was Lord Tyrion and Lord Bron who had branded him that._

Sansa took a sip from her cup embarrassed and disturbed by the nature of the conversation, “This is the first time I think you’re trying to take me for a fool, which I definitely don’t like.” his face was even redder than before and he squirmed in his seat, which emboldened her to go on, “I’m sure you did more than singing and being respectful to them.” _she also wondered how much Podrick had had to drink to be revealing all of this to her._

_She wasn’t one to be lied to_ , “Well, yes. _And I apologize,_ ” he said averting her eyes as he tried to find the words to phrase this politely, “I learned a few things that day but... my reputation in a complete lie.” he was sweating and blushing thoroughly, _what had possessed him to reveal this to her? Obviously, it was so that she wouldn’t think badly of him after the talk in the Great Hall._

_What good did telling her this do to Podrick?_ Would it change her opinion of him for the better? This definitely wasn’t a ploy to tempt her, “A great lie that has helped you get... _closely acquainted_ with plenty of women, I suppose.”

“Not _as many_ as rumor has it.” he stated and he realized he was talking more than he should be because of the shock on her face. Sure, back in Kings Landing he had been with a certain number of women, maidens and ladies alike whose curiosity had been piqued when the gossip had spread and so he didn’t have to go to great lengths to seduce them.

Or maybe the fact that he was younger than them and wasn’t threatening was what had them seeking him out, _along with the rumors, obviously._ And their desire for experimentation. He distinctly remember a couple of _women_ outright dismissing him afterwards seen him by telling him that they were sorry but _he was just a boy_. He didn’t have any such encounters while in the Kings Road with Ser Brienne. And once they had settled in Winterfell, Ser Brienne kept him so busy that the few ones he enjoyed then were rushed and meaningless. After the destruction of Kings Landing he immediately went from becoming a knight to making his oath to the King.

So it wasn’t like the word _plenty_ was an accurate depiction of the truth. _Not that he said any of that since it would only make this conversation more uncomfortable._ “I just lived my life. And I was telling the truth, the rumors about me are exaggerated.” _Sure_ , back then, it was because he thought he had earned his reputation that he acted confident enough to almost always get what he wanted. But it really was more because he respected those women, and because he enjoyed giving them pleasure; a combination that, he soon found out, was a _novelty_ for most of the female gender and he had been _delighted_ to provide, “I just don’t want you thinking poorly of me, Ma’am.” he didn’t want her image of him to be one of an irresponsible and promiscuous lecher.

Sansa was trying to remain still despite feeling deeply uncomfortable, “None of this concerns me, Podrick,” _the past was in the past_ and he kept his oath to her brother, that was what matter, _right? She had no interest whatsoever on the women who still lived in Winter Town or who worked at the castle with whom he had been involved once, right? ...She didn’t care that she could be some play thing just like those other women had been_ _?_

He struggled to find the words, “Yes. I… _hmmm..._ the Lords shouldn’t talk that kind of talk in front of you and your ladies. That’s all.” he heard himself say stupidly.

She took a deep breath wishing to set her embarrassment and doubts aside but not quite managing it. “You know Podrick, long ago...when I first heard about your reputation, I came up with a theory based on the time I spent with Lord Baelish.”

He raised his eyebrows surprised that she wanted to talk more about this and though he was apprehensive he took a sip from his wine and nodded, “Let’s hear it, then...”

She paused then, trying to get her thoughts in order and without looking at him, she also drank from her cup, “...That brothel was _his_ and knowing him... it was likely that he was in cahoots with those women to refuse your payment so that you’d visit them again and so that, _in a moment of weakness_ , you’d share something about Lord Tyrion, about the Crown’s matters...” the only sound she heard in the room was the fire crackling and her own beating heart when she raised her eyes to him, “That was Lord Baelish’s way of getting information, after all.”

She looked as him with pride in her eyes from working out all that and from being certain she was right. But he was frowning as he took in her words.

Podrick’s face was one of denial and it made her feel victorious, “I’ve never heard of prostitutes who don’t charge for her services, _have you_?” she asked as she took the cup to her lips. _Tyrion couldn’t have been that smart if he overlooked that... it was more likely that he wanted to help create a reputation for Pod._ _A Lannister always pays his debts_ and Tyrion owed Podrick his life, _“Tell me, did it happen again aside from those... first few times?”_ she knew she was crossing a line, that she was being too presumptions with her questions, too brazen, _but that’s not what she was feeling._ She just felt like she was winning an argument and she was basking on it.

She was being cheeky and he took notice, _they shouldn’t have been discussing this and yet, he couldn’t help himself, given her attitude_ , “No, because since the moment the rumors spread I never had to step on a brothel again... _I’ve never paid for it!_ ” he rushed to say that last part, which elicited an _even deeper_ shade of red on her cheeks as she straightened and took her arms off the table as though to put more space between them.

He hadn’t meant to make her uncomfortable but it was obvious he did. His words were technically true, he had visited brothels a few other times with Bronn, and it was the man who paid, but he already knew those places weren’t to his liking by the time Jon Snow had been showing Queen Cersei a Wight. He preferred a chase; seducing them, making them curious... just as he had slowly been doing with her; slowly, _more slowly than a turtle and with very little success_ a devil whispered in his alcohol-filled mind.

Sansa swallowed realizing that on this night Podrick wasn’t holding back his words or deferring to her as _Queen,_ “Tyrion is clever but he has a soft spot for you and if he believed that story, well...” she decided for a slight change in the subject.

_The more he thought about it the more he realized something like her theory had never crossed his mind._ He doubted Lord Tyrion had been as naive, though, he surely had considered it and discarded it for some reason, choosing to believe instead in his, and the whores’ version of events. Bronn believed it too, he had never felt like the two men were acting just to give him a reputation and... and then... _help him pave the way to get women easily?_ There was a flaw in that theory but he didn’t know exactly _where._ Once he was back in King’s Landing, he’d talk about it with Lord Tyrion. “ _Have you given that theory a lot of thought, ma’am?”_ he lowered his gaze, unable to stop the smile on his face at making her uncomfortable and repaying her boldness with his own.

_“Not...a lot.”_ She looked to his cup embarrassed, her cheeks aflame with mortification and shame, “ _How much have you drunk? You’d never discuss these things with me sober...”_

“Honestly, _quite a lot..._ ” he admitted, “I just didn’t want you to think that everything they say about me is true.” S _he had drunk more than usual that night too,_ that’s something he noticed back in the Great Hall, _and it was the reason why she was bringing this up_.

_“But it’s not like you’re a saint, Ser Podrick.”_ she replied downing the last of her wine before standing up.

“I’m not, I’ll admit that” He stood up as well, intending to stop her, “Don’t go, _Ma’am_ ” he ventured, “We’ll talk of something else. _Whatever you want._ I’ll behave.” he went to take her hand but she averted his attempt.

_She didn’t feel at ease with a drunken Podrick,_ “Good night, Ser Podrick.”

“I suspect that, due to my reputation, to what you heard tonight in the Great Hall, you might be doubting my intentions with you.” He added when he saw her reach the door, “But believe me, my intentions aren’t lowly, Ma’am.” In his drunken state he felt something akin to _adoration_ but he had enough sense not to say that out loud and especially not to go to her and touch her without her consent.

“Good night, Ser Podrick.” she repeated pointedly. This wasn’t the time for this conversation, _maybe later._ And it only served to feed her confusing thoughts. In the way to her room she realized that in the end she didn’t take a book from the library.

It was foolish of them that the thought of someone overhearing their conversation never crossed their minds.

.

.

.

The next morning Podrick only remember fragments of their conversation and he was shamefaced when he finally faced her, “I shouldn’t have spoken to you in the way I did, Ma’am.” he said as soon as they were able to get some privacy.

Sansa pretended not to give him her full attention by reading a petition from a lord who hadn’t attended the meetings, “...You weren’t the only one speaking, Ser Podrick.”

_¿Ser Podrick?_ By now she rarely addressed him as _Ser_ when they were alone, which made him wary of the way he should be expressing himself to her. “...I know but, still... I know I overstepped. _I am sorry._ ” From what he remembered she had crossed a line too but it was he who had to apologize because he felt that he pushed the conversation out of his own self-interest so that she wouldn’t think badly of him.

“ _You’re forgiven._ ” she simply said. But sensing that he was less than satisfied with her words, she faced him, “What would you have me say?” she asked with a sigh.

It was difficult but he held her gaze, “That what happened last night won’t change our... friendship?”

“ _For now it will make it awkward._ ” she responded derisively but seeing that he was truly concerned, she sighed resignedly before glancing at the clock, _she didn’t have time for this,_ “Ask me again in a couple of days.”

Not wanting to further aggravate her, he nodded, _“I will._ ”

.

.

.

Lady Wylla met with the Queen some days later with something she had been meaning to ask for months but always seemed to forget. After some trivial chatter she asked, “Tell me, My Queen,” she said in a hushed voice, “are you still looking for your uncle Brandon’s...bastards?” over three years ago, Sansa had confessed to her crazy notion that she would take one of those descendants under her wing.

Although the Queen hadn’t outright said it, Wylla knew that her plans were there as a possible solution since she didn’t want to marry. _‘It’s a shame that in order to have a family of my own I have to put up with a man beside me.’_ The Queen herself had uttered those words once without mincing her words in such a way that she took her grandfather by surprise and had her guffawing and choking with the wine she had been drinking to the point of spitting out through her nose.

_Her grandfather hadn’t approved of those words or the fact that she had cheered the Queen on with the uncontrollable laughter that they elicited from her._

She sighed, “You’re right, Lady Wylla, that’s a dead end.” For five years she had been tracking all the women who were linked to her uncle and could have given him a child, but those _bastards_ were older than her, and though she wasn’t scared for her claim, she couldn’t be absolutely certain that they were Starks. _The only one who would know for certain_ was the _Three-Eyed-Raven_ but he told her that even if he vouched for them, —which he didn’t plan on doing— she _knew that she had to_ consider the opinion of the North, and the North wouldn’t like her maneuvering to get herself an heir.

_You are the blood of Winterfell, of the First Men, the future of house Stark._

That had been his last words on that scroll, brief and to the point, words that sealing the fact that she would have to marry and continue her family’s legacy. That was something she understood, but having Bran _—or the Three-Eyed-Raven—_ remind her was...

Wylla studied the Queen and she saw her resigned to her decision. _Good._

From afar, Podrick saw the Queen walking and talking with Lady Wylla. He knew that it was best that the other woman wouldn’t take notice of him so he looked at _Her Grace_ one last time and he left.

They were playing a dangerous game, _Podrick knew it,_ a game where she laid the rules and which was set against him. But it was very difficult to reject her company or even attempt avoiding her. He had made a conscious decision to put aside everything concerning their _supposed friendship_. To not over think things and to only let whatever happened happen knowing that it would probably only amount to a couple more kisses, _if he was lucky._

Maybe it was just that he was so avid for female company that he would gladly take any crumbs she threw his way. But then he remembered her words and he _put himself in her shoes; they weren’t crumbs for her, they were honestly long strides that had taken her where they were._ He understood her reluctance and the reason for it...

From the moment she asked him to be patient with her he had started acting with more self-restraint; sometimes he would feel so dazzled by her beauty that he had to praise her when they were in private since he was aware that it pleased her, sometimes, he would take her hands to caress them and she would let him. But he never did more than that since he knew he had to let her take the first step to initiate closer contact... _he was still waiting for it._

At times, he wasn’t sure if she feared it or if she only acted on her desires when they very _suddenly and rarely_ appeared. He wondered if she truly didn’t constantly want to be kissing and touching him like he did with her, _“Shit, I’m screwed.”_

His train of thought was interrupted when Lord Manderly surprised him by calling to him some minutes later. He was surprised when he saw Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry by the door of the room he’d been called to as they made way for them to go through first. The old man then proceeded to tell them that he had been in the south not long ago and that he had heard disquieting rumors about the attack against _the Queen,_ which disconcerted the three men. “What is being said?”

_“More like what isn’t.”_ The Queen arrived right then with the man’s granddaughter, who was dismissed almost immediately after, to her displeasure since _the subject matter was none of her business._ Once they were alone, he continued, “I imagine you’ve heard about the accident during that tourney in _The Reach_?”

“Of course,” answered Lord Harry.

That was the latest news from the south; the roof of the arena had plummeted just over a bunch of Lords from various regions killing them instantly. The Queen, Lord Cromwell and Podrick had secretly theorized that that was how ‘ _the situation had been handled’_ by the King of the Six Kingdoms after the attacks against him and his sister.

“Among the many things, it’s been said that those lords had been involved in the attack against the Queen and that this accident was her way of making them pay without sullying her name…”

_“I had nothing to do with it.”_ Sansa replied at once. 

_“That’s preposterous”_ added Lord Harry. “It was an accident.”

Lord Manderly nodded, “I’m just warning you Ma’am, my lords, that there’s a chance of a member of those families wanting to seek retaliation.”

_That’s the last thing she needed_ , was Sansa’s concerned thought.

Podrick had been watching the Queen’s reactions when he heard Lord Manderly calling his name, _“My Lord?”_

“I hear you are friends with Lord Bronn of the Blackwater,” he waited for Podrick to nod slowly, understanding what he meant. “You could write to him so that we can learn more about this business.”

Podrick knew that the Queen wasn’t too fond of Bronn but he would write him either official or not depending on what she thought, “As far as I know, Lord Bronn’s relationship with most of the lords of the Reach isn’t the best.” They had wanted him to give up _Highgarden_ but he hadn’t and they had eventually reached some sort of agreement, _and that was the last he heard of it._

“We lose nothing by writing to him.”

_“Of course, My Lord”_ , he said, thinking of writing to the King, to Ser Brienne and Lord Tyrion as well, as he figured she’d be doing too.

.

.

.

Bronn’s reply arrived containing long paragraphs filled with friendly stories and mockery and only two lines to address the reason for his reply. He told him that only very few people believed what was being said about the Queen’s involvement in the accident.

He didn’t show her the letter because Bronn’s words were not meant for a lady’s eyes but he did show the letter to Lord Cromwell pointing on the scroll to what he was meant to read but upon seeing the man’s disproving face and then a smile he realized that the man had read something that wasn’t meant for his eyes.

After they both informed the Queen about the reply, she admitted to them that she had been nervous about a potential attack but it wouldn’t stop her from going on a visit to Crofter’s Village two weeks later.

Still, there was something in the letter that Podrick couldn’t get out of his mind and so a few days later he woke up in the middle of the night certain of what to look for on it. After decrypting the code, one similar to the one he used to communicate with Brienne, he found a message that made some sense.

_‘King behind accident. Asked me to handle. No one must know. Not even Queen. Burn.’_

_Was that a complete surprise? No._ But Bronn’s involvement was. And this would be the first secret he’d have to keep from her because he knew just how vital it was to keep _that type_ of secret. _If anything, he wondered what the King had offered Bronn in exchange for committing the deed._ And Bronn had taken a risk by writing that scroll. He immediately went to the fireplace to burn the scroll and the paper he used to decode it.

A few days before they were set out to leave, Podrick was coordinating some final details with Jacob when Lord Harry approached him and Podrick knew that the man intended to start something with him because he dismissed the Queensguard’s Commander right away.

“Your presence in this outing isn’t needed.”

The man’s presence alone was enough to annoy Podrick but he wasn’t expecting having him telling him that, “I know but I figure that at least half of my job consists in guarding the Queen.” he answered as he continued with his business without sparing the man a glance.

_“And is that all you do?”_ he asked sardonically, making Podrick stop his task of checking on the swords for a second.

Podrick didn’t over-think what he said after, “She’s the Queen and I serve at her pleasure,” he shrugged, “I’ll be whatever she needs me to be.”

The man took a step forward, “And did she say that she needed you to guard her in this trip?”

_No but he suspected that it was what she expected, not that it concerned the other man,_ “If you have something to say, go on and say it,” the Lord’s eyes went to the sword in his hand and so Podrick put it on the table without taking his eyes off him, “Come on, do it, throw the first punch, you’ll find out just how much I want to beat you up for all your snide remarks.” And Podrick couldn’t help but feel a sort of thrill when not three seconds later the man turned around and left.

_He didn’t think a man of that size would back down from a fight._

.

.

.

It was during the visit to Crofter’s Village that Podrick caught the attention of a young lady who seemed fascinated by him. Sansa eyed them from the other end of the hall trying not to think much of it, telling herself that it was innocent and that the girl probably was taken by the fact that he was from the south. But as the hours and the first day went by, she kept noticing how the young woman would cross his path on purpose and would stare at him until he set his eyes on her, and Podrick seemed to enjoy the attention since he would smile and chat with her though he didn’t seem overly interested.

She was a strikingly beautiful girl, she had green eyes, light brown hair, she was tall, voluptuous, charming and confident in a manner that was odd for her age... and mostly, she reminded Sansa that she was no longer a young woman; she was a fully grown woman, filled with fears and insecurities. It was that realization that upset her even if she was trying to be objective in remarking that the lady wasn’t acting too brazenly. If anything, she could pass for someone trying to be a good host.

Shae and Margery Tyrell sprang to mind then, since she remembered the former warning her that men tended not to mind a big age gap with a young woman. And the latter reminded her of how she used her beauty and youth to get any man she wanted eating from her palm.

On the first evening she came to realize who the young woman’s mother was; an elegant Lady that Sansa had never met before and although Sansa tried to get _Lady Marna_ out of her head she was unable to since rumor had it that she was one of her uncle Brandon’s _bastards_ , which would made them cousins _if it was true._

She kept studying her from afar any chance she got. She was looking for a liking between her and Arya or Jon, who were said to have the _Stark look_ , but she didn’t find it... _she wondered if Lady Marna’s mother was alive_ and so she tasked her trusted maids with finding out about that.

On the second day she heard Lady Marna’s young daughter asking Podrick on a walk to show him some nearby ruins. She saw her asking him to eat at her table. She saw her asking him to dance through her advisors. Podrick rejected every invitation with a smile, at least as far as she was able to witness, the only thing he allowed had been that conversation on the first day, _but she didn’t know what they could have talked about that was so interesting._

And she wasn’t the only one who took notice of the lady’s flirtation since she wasn’t subtle in her _interest_ in Podrick being a Knight. “I’m sure I shouldn’t warn you, Ser Podrick, but the last thing we need is trouble or even ill-intentioned rumors involving that young woman, _should I_?” Lord Cromwell said. He remembered what it was to be young and hot-blooded, being a Kingsguard didn’t mean he wouldn’t be tempted.

“That’s unthinkable to me, My lord.” he answered and since someone else interjected, he couldn’t stop his eyes from fixing on the Queen, whose face revealed nothing except for a slight jutting out of her chin and an intensity to her eyes for the shortest of seconds _that spoke clearly on her behalf._ He turned to the lord once more, _was she mad? Hurt? Jealous?_

“ _Good._ I’m sure that if anything were to happen her family wouldn’t sit there with their arms crossed.”

“Don’t worry about it, my Lord.” he answered plainly before bowing and leaving the room not without looking at her again to find her raising her brow at Lord Harry who was staring at her intently.

Sansa waited until Podrick left before speaking, “What does her lord father thing of her behavior?”

“He’s not happy. I heard him demanding that she behave or he’d have her removed from the castle.” another of her advisors replied.

_“And he threatened to send her to the Silent Sisters if she kept her scandalous behavior up.”_

Seeing an opportunity that she couldn’t let get away, Sansa addressed Lord Cromwell, “... I hope that’s not how you see me when I invite Ser Podrick to join me on walks or meals.”

Lord Cromwell stared at her surprised by her bringing it up aloud and possibly opening herself to an onslaught of comments from her own advisors. But he knew her well enough to understand that her tone betrayed a warning to leave it at that. “No, Ma’am. There’s nothing for you to be concerned. You’re a consummated lady.”

“What that young woman needs is to learn some propriety, which you have in spades...” another advisor added.

_“Good.”_ she answered and she bowed her head throwing a look at Lord Harry, “That puts my mind at ease.” She said while the lord shook his head letting her know he knew what she was doing. _Sansa ignored him._

Her friendship with Ser Podrick was public knowledge by now but only Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry dared question it, though not because they paraded it since they always made sure to keep their distance, even when they were in private. More often than before, she would find herself alone with him, though they did nothing more than talking, _Talking is all we do, Ma’am,_ he had said once and to this day she couldn’t tell if there was true reproach in his words.

Even with Podrick’s reassurance, the whole situation was upsetting, especially because _it was_ bothering her. She couldn’t stop herself from being annoyed every time she thought about it, or when she saw the young lady trying to catch his eye or approaching him insistently. Podrick would always smile politely and shake his head. He also seemed to always be accompanied by two or three other people that could vouch for his whereabouts.

To be honest, _it wasn’t her own jealousy what upset her_ , it was being confronted by her own inability to behave in a more open, a more normal manner.

Despite all of her progress she knew that she was still too closed-off, too mistrusting and scared. Plus, it was unlike her to start acting more...freely. She honestly didn’t think that she could have anything deeper with Podrick than what they already had. _Anyway, she didn’t know why she was worrying;_ at some point he would be called back to King’s Landing and she would be back to where she was before he came north; stuck.

On the third night, she apologized and she left the room where a celebration was underway as soon as she saw a chance. She didn’t go straight to her chambers; instead, she went to a room that had been set up as a solar for her and she soon found herself drinking wine as she made some progress on her next day’s work. She was pacing across the room thinking about what words to use on a letter when there was a knock on her door, _“yes?”_ and a moment later she saw Jacob opening the door with Podrick trailing behind.

“I was wondering if you could spare a moment, Ma’am. I have something important to discuss with you.” he wondered what Jacob would make of his blush since he was right beside him and it would be impossible to miss it.

Sansa nodded nonchalant and Jacob let him in. Then Podrick close the door behind him. _Snow_ didn’t growl but he sat on his hind legs at the ready. Sansa fleetingly wondered if her guards would make anything of Podrick’s visit.

On his part, Podrick wasn’t entirely sure why he had gone to see her. He still didn’t know what to make of that last kiss they’d shared so long ago; _all he knew is that it was on her hands._

He feigned not minding the wolf as he walked past it before stopping at a prudent distance from her and when he realized she wouldn’t fully face him, he spoke, “... I wanted to _reassure you_ , Ma’am, that I only have eyes for you.” He did have eyes and although the young lady was very comely, they couldn’t stop searching for _Her Grace_. _He couldn’t stop thinking about her, d_ reaming about her; _It was irksome but that was his reality._

His words shocked her and without thinking she found herself looking him in the eye, making sure he was being serious, “...I should hope so, that’s half your job.”

Podrick exhaled unamused by her answer, _which was so like her_ , he also fleetingly wonder if Lord Harry had spoken to her about their little confrontation, “ _...You know that’s not what I mean._ ” he stated and since she didn’t react, he felt compelled to continue, “You said once that I wasn’t your Guard anymore.”

_“I did,”_ Sansa replied remembering that that’s when she told him about her handmaids saying that he was her _favorite guard._

Podrick swallowed, “yet, you just said that that’s half my job.”

She was trapped by her own contradictory words and surely not for the first time. “I... I did.”

“ _What am I_ , then?” he knew that she wouldn’t like that game but instead of letting her cold gaze intimidate him, he came closer to take her softly by the elbow just to make a path with his hand down to her wrist and back again.

They saw Snow standing from the corner of their eyes.

Podrick came even closer and Sansa licked her lips as he lowered his face to kiss her. His hand was now softly holding her face.

Actually, _he was surprised when she let him kiss her._

Everything else vanished, the only thing that existed was the feel of her soft lips meeting his and both their hearts beating in their chests. Some seconds later, Podrick dared move his lips on hers, massaging them as he had last time and just as before he felt her hesitant but he could tell that it wasn't due to indecision or apprehension but to being uncertain of what to do. And so at first their kiss lacked coordination until little by little she started to mimic his moves _until it felt completely right._

His fingers caressed her cheek and chin, making her shudder. Sooner than expected he felt her breathless and he ended the kiss. When she opened her eyes he got lost in the blue with a smile, “I won’t deny that I had started to wonder if we would ever stop kissing in total darkness.” He said as his hands stroked along her hairline and his eyes traveled across her face, “I wanted to see the intensity in your eyes, your blush...” he smiled, “The face you’d make, _the expression in your lovely eyes..._ ”

Ironically, she didn’t know how to reply to that, lost as she was in him, just like he was, _or even more._ She could only take notice of the affection in his eyes and of how attractive he looked to her at that moment, _even with his silly smile._ She wondered if her own face was mirroring all the emotions on his.

She looked at Snow to break the spell and she found him looking intently at them but he remained in his place. Podrick looked at the animal too and she took the chance to study his profile, her eyes felt heavy and the next thing she knew, she was grazing his sideburns with her thumb and her eyes were closing as she leaned in to kiss his cheek chastely, just like he had done to her; and she noticed how his skin was a bit scratchy because of the beard that was starting to grow.

Podrick took a deep breath letting her do as she wanted until she withdrew a little to look him in the eye. They stayed like that for a long moment. _They knew that this was a mistake, that it should not be happening,_ but they did nothing to correct it. _They were lost in a daze._

All of the sudden, her fingers were on his neck grabbing him and pulling him to her as she exhaled against his mouth and he was thrilled to firmly trap her lower lip with his. He followed her movements bringing her flush against him and briefly registering the bodice that made up her armor, and underneath it the curve of her chest, her lower abdomen, her thighs against his, _and most importantly_ , he felt her stiffening, so he loosened his embrace though he put no space between them.

_He reminded himself that he needed to be less reckless, less intense, and that he shouldn’t touch her more than absolutely necessary_ , and when the broke apart they continued to stare at each other. After a moment, something crossed his mind and he smiled, “now, _that_ was a kiss.”

Sansa had no words to refute him so she cleared her throat while still holding him by the neck and basking in the heat that was surrounding her. A few moments later he started to withdraw but he seemed to think better of it and instead, he leaned in to place a final chaste kiss that she returned. “Let’s not wait so long before doing this again.” he requested boldly thinking he couldn’t go another week without a kiss. He took a strand of her hair and he tangled it between his fingers before lowering his face and kissing it, honestly unable to say why he did that.

She was amused by that last gesture of his while she also felt pleased by his tenderness and she found herself smiling stupidly. She didn’t reply, though, because much as she liked having him near and being the focus of his attentions, this feeling of yearning for a kiss wasn’t an everyday occurrence. It was a feeling that seldom came over her and she acted on it even less. But she knew that the opposite was true for him, she would constantly catch him looking at her mouth or looking like he was about to kiss her and stopping as soon as he realized what he was doing... A part of her worried that someday he wouldn’t be able to control himself and that she wouldn’t be ready for it. She didn’t know how she would react if that happened seeing as the reason why she felt secure in this what that she was calling the shots and he followed. “This is silly.”

“What is?” Podrick asked as her words brought him back from being lost in her eyes.

“This whole... gazing into each other’s eyes.”

_“Oh, yeah.”_ he’d give her that, though he felt like grinning when, despite her words, her eyes kept searching for his, “did I already tell you I want to get lost in your eyes?”

“You tell me so many things, it’s hard to keep track.” She wanted to tell herself that those words were ridiculous, something he heard in a song or read on a book. And yet...his brown eyes were as deep as they were dark. The color of his eyes was unremarkable, especially in the north and yet, to her, they were extraordinary. “…and this is still silly,” she added with a playful shove.

Podrick smiled and brought her closer to kiss her again. She returned the kiss enthusiastically if innocently.

She released him little by little when she realized that time was flying by and she didn't feel like stopping. Not that stopping felt possible because they kept whispering silly things before seeking each other’s lips time and again. 

Seeing her lips swollen from kissing made him smile widely and feel the need to kiss her more, even knowing that his mouth was probably in the same state and that it would look suspicious if he happened to run across someone after leaving this room.

_And he didn’t care. Nothing else mattered right then._

_“No more, Podrick,”_ she asked when she felt him pulling her closer to his body. He nodded and she did as well. As he separated from her, he didn’t release her right away, instead, his hands made a path down her back and her sides as he stepped away and then he turned to leave.

Once he went past _Snow_ , the wolf turned to him and he followed him out the door. She couldn’t help but smile at the wolf’s intent, “Snow, that’s enough.” She ordered as she walked toward him, sighing after he slumped on the ground, “What do you think you’re doing?” she asked the animal who then turned his head to face her as _though asking her the same thing._ She went to sit on her desk, forgetting all about the letter that she had been trying to write before.

That wasn’t the last event that arose during the visit; the next one came by chance the following morning when, without meaning to, she found herself alone with Lady Marna.

Sansa thanked her again for welcoming in her home and for the effort she had put into seeing she and her men were comfortable, the woman thanked her again politely and Sansa feeling bold gestured to the seat in front of her going to the point. “I’m sorry, My lady, but I’ve been wondering something; I don’t know if you’ve heard of this and I don’t want you to take it wrongly but... a rumor reached me recently about there being a slight chance that we might be related...”

Lady Marna was taken aback by _Her Grace_ paying mind to that sort of rumors, “I heard those rumors as well when I was a child,” she admitted though she didn’t add how much that had hurt and marked her, _“But my father was Lord Flint.”_

Sansa smiled politely, _wanting to be tactful and stopping herself from asking if she was sure of it,_ “I didn’t mean to offend you or your lady mother... I was just curious.” She decided to leave it at that because; _at the end of the day she got nothing by digging in the past._

Lady Marna’s life was settled by then and the rumors and mockery she had endured as a child were a thing of the past. Though, it seemed that it didn’t stop from speculating in the present. Maybe if she had been more ambitious in life she would have looked for a way to profit from the situation but she enjoyed her simple and comfortable life and she didn’t want to get involved in politics involving _that_ family, politics that would probably end up costing her her life, _as it tended to happen in Westeros._ “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t discuss this with anyone else, _Your Grace_.”

“Don’t worry, my Lady,” she tried to get on the woman’s good side, “... You have a very beautiful daughter.”

Lady Marna smiled shyly. A _beauty that had given her more than one headache._ “And a reckless one at that, My Queen, I know. Sometimes I’m appalled at her actions.”

Sansa only gave her a false yet polite smile.

.

.

.

“Cat got your tongue, ma’am?” Podrick asked about a week after their encounter in Crofter’s Village. In the days that followed, she had only talked to him when it was absolutely necessary and he was troubled by the fact that she didn’t seem to want to have any sort of conversation. “Don’t over-think things” _He wasn’t even sure what he meant._

“What do you make of all of this?”

He was surprised by the fact that she replied at all and he could tell that she expected a serious answer so he took a deep breath before speaking, “...I enjoy your company, _obviously_.” she nodded in agreement and he went on, “I’m dazzled by you. You are the Queen, an admirable, gorgeous woman, and having you like me despite our obvious difference feels... dream-like.”

His words pleased her and that made her uncomfortable but she decided to go with honesty too, “I care for you, Podrick... more than I have cared for any other man. But this thing between us... It leads nowhere. Not to a relationship or... intimately.”

He felt that there was no need for her words, yet he blushed nonetheless, “I know, Ma’am... I know your character... and believe or not, knowing it steadies me, I hold on to it... knowing that... we won’t go beyond kisses. Knowing that I won’t break my oath to the King...” he said, _though he wasn’t as confident in those words as before_ , because he suspected that, if by a miracle she decided to give into all the feelings between them, _he would willingly and gladly follow._

Sansa nodded, feeling emboldened to fix the slightly crooked badge on his chest that identified him as the Ambassador to the King, “So what’s between us? A game?”

Podrick was still in the middle of appreciating the way she was taking care of him, even if she touched nothing but the badge, when she moved back, her eyes telling him not to take her words badly, “It’s whatever you want it to be.” He fixed a strand of her hair behind her ear after playing with it for a second and he was thrilled by her blush “as I said, don’t over think it. Being near you is enough for me... having you look at me the way you do…” he stayed like that, staring at her lovely face and stroking his thumb on her cheek and chin as he got lost in her eyes. _They could get close just not too close._

It wasn’t the first time that she found herself basking in the tender way he had with her. She licked her lips and she swallowed but he didn’t lean in to kiss her as she expected, “You know everything you have to say and do, _don’t you?_ ” she asked on a whine and she could tell that he took her words as a compliment because he was smiling when his eyes met hers.

Her unromantic and unaffectionate personality served to remind him not to be too impulsive or passionate “I lured you into my trap, huh?” he joked as he stroked along her arm but he could tell she didn’t appreciate his words, _“And I gladly fell into yours...”_ he added hastily.

He recovered swiftly, _what he just said was just one more thing to add to the pile_

 _of worries she had_. “All of this will bring us nothing but trouble unless we nip it in the bud.”

He couldn’t help to groan at that as he released her somewhat upset, _feeling stuck once again_. “ _Could you do that?_ Because I honestly don’t have the will to end this. I’ve tried to, trust me.” They had been doing this dance for about a year, one step forward and two backwards. _He was truly screwed by the hope that they could be something_ and he no longer knew why she fought it; if it was for all the troubles that would come or if it was because of the scars those men had left her, _and frankly, he was too scared to ask._

Sansa realized that all this indecision was starting to bore him so she made her way to the door. She felt him lagging behind and she turned to look at him regretfully over her shoulder and she found feeling a mix of hesitant and upset, “I know I’ve left this go too far.”

“We both have. We’re both to blame...” _and it was him who should have known better, she didn’t really have experience with the matters of the heart..._ though come to think of it, neither had he. He was starting to get annoyed by how besotted with her he was since, _if he gave it some actual thought_ , she had never given him enough to warrant the magnitude of his feelings for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To fangfaceandrea, thank you very much for your time, effort and dedication to translate this, I know it must not be easy. I wish I could say more, but there are not words to descrbe how thankful I am. Hugs.


	13. Chapter 13

“Not many men would reject you.”

That was true. “Most of those suitors are younger than me or worst, too old. And there’s a reason why they’re still unmarried. And the ones that are my age would be willing to enter a marriage but not to remain faithful as not to make me look bad eventually.” _Besides,_ what she wanted the most was that the man in question would have no desire to get in her business or the realm’s.

“You’re the most coveted lady in Westeros, ma’am. You can take your pick. There may be only few interesting, gallant, decent and brave men, but they exist. And I’ll dare speak for my gender when I say that you need more than two or three minutes of conversation with a man to find out if he stands out.”

Sansa sighed, “Right now I don’t want to concern myself with that.” She answered one of the advisors who had been insisting that she should marry. “What makes you think I’ve changed my mind? That I’m the look-out for a husband?”

“I apologize, Ma’am, I know it’s not my place to make that sort of assumptions but you know it’s paramount for you to have a family.”

“You’re right” she answered as she closed the accounting book she had brought, “It is not your place.” she replied feeling exhaustion more than annoyance. “I’ll choose when I feel it’s right.” and then she left.

Discussing marriage often left her with sour taste in her mouth, it irked her. If there were a direct Stark descendant to inherit the throne she would have completely closed the door to even possibility of a marriage.

Weeks later, the conversation came up around Podrick, or rather; Lady Rose brought it up seemingly to scare him away. Sansa didn’t lose her good mood but she immediately dismissed the young woman, who opposed her wishes to be left alone with the knight but the queen left her no choice.

She had been trying to do as he asked and not over-think things but she couldn’t. With every conversation they shared, every one of his attempts to touch her and her refusing made her feel like there were eyes on them even when they were alone and in private, she felt like everyone knew what there really was between them, _that they were the talk of the entire castle._

He told her she was seeing suspicion where there wasn’t any but she remained unconvinced. So she had put some space between them to avoid further indiscretions. And yet, she couldn’t stay clear of him. It was eye opening.

“Lord Ellison is right.” Podrick said knowing that she wouldn’t take his words well, “You won’t know if your suitors are interesting if you don’t give them more than two or three minutes of your time. How else will you know if they’re a good match?”

She had to take a second to swallow the bite she had in her mouth before replying “...I’m giving you more than three minutes.” she commiserated even when she had purposely set out to put space between them.

He lifted his face to hers then; she had been avoiding him for weeks and now she was saying these things... it was like she led him on only to put him back in his place, _“Sometimes.”_ he said a bit reproachfully, only to have her cheeks redden and her eyes averting his, “...although you give me more than three minutes, we both know I’m not really a suitor.” that was the insurmountable truth, “and even if I wasn’t a Kingsguard I’ll never be on your level. I’m just a ...temporary exception.”

The regarded each other. With each day Sansa became more aware of Podrick’s background and his place, something she hadn’t paid mind to at first but which now she came to see as a hurdle. She wasn’t someone to be ruled by her emotions, at least not this kind of emotions, and she didn’t like how this was affecting her.

She opted to continue with the conversation, “The fact of the matter is that... because of my past I will never be interested in a marriage. I know it is my duty and I won’t refuse to take that step when I feel it necessary. But my advisors don’t have to constantly remind me.”

And they knew why she kept being reminded; she wasn’t getting any younger and in a few days, a Lord from a prominent Dornish family would be visiting Winterfell. The man was one of her better options because he was up to her standards, he was honest, his vassals adored and respected him and he was the single heir to a powerful and wealthy family with a large number of bannermen. The only things against him were that he hasn’t a Northerner or a prince.

But he was what she needed; a foreign alliance since she had plenty of those in the North.

Podrick wondered if she had ever sat her advisors down to tell them that she intended to look beyond the North to establish ties with a region outside of her uncle Edmure of her cousin Robyn. And how they had taken it in case she had done so; he figured It’s hadn’t gone down smoothly but he could be wrong.

Until now, Her Grace hadn’t brought up the matter of that suitor with him and neither had he. Yet, the whole business was something that weighed heavily on him; that hurt every time he thought about it.

Still, he faced her and everyone else as though nothing was wrong and after the first day of the Lord’s visit, when introductions had been unavoidable, he decided to keep his distance yet he refused to name the heartache and despair he felt. It wasn’t easy not to look at it as if it was a competition; the man was a green-eyed, dark haired tall and muscular man. All the women in the castle swooned just by looking at him and to make it worse everything pointed to him being a good man. It was better to keep those thoughts to himself.

She was also avoiding him and she would throw him a guilty look when he would watch them from afar as they talked or took a walk together.

On the bright side, though, the Lord couldn’t have come at a better time since a storm was heading their way and so Podrick had decided to make himself useful around the castle and in Winter Town by giving out information and helping with preparations, to stay busy and not think so much.

Both he and his men were nervous about that sudden storm. They didn’t know what to expect and they suspected it wasn’t good when the gates of Winterfell were opened for anyone seeking shelter inside the castle. People were saying that the snow would reach over four feet and that in itself was unthinkable to them.

“I had never thought about that,” one of the southron soldiers who came with him said when they found out the snow from the roofs of the castle and the town would have to be removed, or the weight would make those roofs collapse.

“And I assume that it won’t be safe for those doing the job?” another man asked, one of Lord Errol’s servants coming with him from Dorne, since his lord wanted to be informed about everything to ensure the safety of his companions.

Hours later, Podrick and Jacob were setting up barricades so no one would be able to go from the common areas to the Queen’s chambers, when Jacob decided to speak, “are you nervous?”

“Yes.” he saw no reason to hide it, a while ago they had started hearing the wind whistle loudly outside the castle and when he looked out a window he saw nothing but white all around. It was supposed to last for three days and this one wasn’t the worse. He had been warned that there would be nothing but darkness for about three or four days.

“The southern lords, the Queen and her advisors are playing cards in some room to pass the time, why aren’t you with them?” he asked while they moved a heavy table and turned it on its end to block one of the many corridors that lead to the private apartments.

“I rather make myself useful. Honestly, staying put only makes me anxious.”

Jacob nodded, he liked Ser Podrick, he hadn’t when he had first arrived and he had felt that his position as Commander of the Guard was threatened. But then, when he had been promoted he continued to treat everyone else as his equal and not like he was too good for them. Seeing the peasants surprised at having _the King’s Ambassador_ in their houses helping and hammering wood away to reinforce their windows while he conversed with them was something to remark upon. The fact that he accepted the food and drinks they offered humbly in a way that the Queen or her advisors never would... Lord Harry’s words about Ser Podrick not knowing his place had made sense then, though not in the way Lord Harry would have expected. He turned to look at Ser Podrick rubbing his back, “are you alright?” he asked. Though it wasn’t what he wanted to ask.

Podrick nodded “I think this was too much for my old bones.”

Jacob nodded back but he couldn’t help it anymore, “Are you and the Queen having an affair?” That was something the Guard was certain of, he only wanted confirmation. He had to hold Ser Podrick’s gaze. “…It’s just that is suspicious, seeing that you haven’t been around each other these days, now that Lord Errol’s here.” It’s not like he thought something improper was going on, he was her head of security and he knew where she was at all times even when the guards weren’t trailing after her every minute. And if something physical and improper had happened between the two of them, then he’d have to dismiss all his men and congratulate her because it would make her a master at sneaking away, _“…an emotional affair?”_ he pressed using Lord Cromwell’s words when he had discreetly asked about the Queen’s whereabouts, about how much time was she spending with Ser Podrick and where, who else was present……And honestly, it had only been then that he made the connection between Lord Harry and Lord Cromwell’s words; that he realized it was obvious what was probably happening.

Podrick was unable to stop the blush from spreading across his face but he tried to act nonchalant or he was sure the man wouldn’t believe him, _“An emotional affair? What is that?”_ he asked mockingly before proceeding, “No. It’s just a friendship.” he offered simply.

Jacob knew about their friendship but he wanted to know if it was just that. He couldn’t say whether he believed the knight because he spoke as though it was nothing, just a jest among soldiers. “I wouldn’t blame you…or any other man. She is the most beautiful woman in miles.”

Podrick agreed to that, _“That she is.”_

Jacob continued nodding along and it was just because he understood their fondness for one another that he decided to let something slip, “She has been overwhelmed these past days. Unsettled; she’s not sleeping. I can’t tell if it is because of our visitors or the storm but it’s been a while since I’ve seen her so... weighted down. She even asked the masters to give her something to calm her down.”

Podrick looked up, “What?” he asked filled with concerned as he remembered that fit of anxiety that she suffered so long ago.

“Do something with that friendship of yours, talk to her, help her... just don’t let her know I told you.”

Podrick was bewildered as he nodded and wondered if whatever was overwhelming her was the matter of a possible retaliation to her brother's decision concerning their attackers. The Reach and Dorne were neighboring regions; it wouldn’t be crazy to think that the lords who were visiting were planning on revenge. “I’m going to ask you something but I can’t go into details about what I’m going to say,” he could tell that it wasn’t the first time the Guard received orders of the sort, “Reinforce her security but make sure she doesn’t notice it _too much._ And tell all the guards and service to be on the lookout for the Dornish lords and their servants.”

_All eyes were already on the Queen, how would he reinforce her security? And…mistrust the men from Dorne?_ Still, he nodded to Ser Podrick thoughtfully before leaving.

For the next three days, although he looked for her, Podrick didn’t see her anywhere. He would be on one side of the castle and she would be somewhere else and he’d find out that they had missed each other by minutes. Her advisors told him that she was busy dealing with some issues involving the fact that the castle had been isolated by the storm. It wasn’t possible to see more than six feet out if they were lucky and not in total darkness. Everything was covered in snow so much so that the other southrons looked among each other worriedly yet refusing to talk about their concerns with the northerners.

_“I didn’t think it’d be so quiet,”_ Lord Errol spoke.

“Me neither” the rest replied just before one of Winterfell soldiers came in looking for men to volunteer to go to remove the snow from the roofs of Wintertown. No one volunteered, not even Podrick.

_“We would die out there!”_ Humphrey, one of the lord’s companions, said.

Podrick stood, “I’m going to make sure that none of the soldiers who came with me will take the risk,” he said but everyone knew that that was just an excuse to leave the room. He wondered through the castle all afternoon but he never managed to cross paths with her.

When he entered the Great Hall, he found many of the inhabitants of Wintertown gathered there and after greeting some of them he continued on his way.

On the third and fourth days, the concerns kept rising, _“It won’t bloody stop snowing,”_ Lord Errol exclaimed, “Had I known this I would have postponed this trip, I haven’t even been able to spend time with the Queen.”

No one had a reply to that and Podrick barely managed a sideways glare.  
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Disheartened and feeling like she wasn’t thinking clearly was how Sansa left her Maesters’ hall; they had given her a small vial and instructions to take ten drops with an ounce of water that would put her to sleep like a log. Her eyelids felt heavy and her eyes and her head were tired, she was numb with energy or interest in anything.

As she made her way through one of the ramparts, she noticed that the spirits of the people were high with the storm ending the previous night. There were children running around playing in the snow. _And not only children._ She thought it was a funny thing when she looked down at one of the yards where Lord Errol and his friends _—who had done nothing but complain—_ were running from one end to the other making snow balls and gaged in a snow-ball fight with the children from Wintertown; even Podrick was there laughing and joining in on the fun but not even seeing that managed to fill her with the joy that seeing such a scene would normally give her. As she was turning a corner into one of the corridors she crashed into a young man carrying a great number of snow balls that ended up falling down her skirt.

_“I’m sorry, ma’am!”_ Humphrey exclaimed a second before two of her Guards were roughly and unceremoniously pushing him off her and putting distance between them. He was startled at first, feeling attacked and trying to free himself until he remembered _where_ he was and stopped resisting. _“It was an accident.”_ he said before being released.

Sansa regarded the man thinking at first that he was a northerner but she soon came to the conclusion that he was one of Lord Errol’s friends though she couldn’t even remember his name; she offered a fake smile as she bent down to pick three of the snow balls that had fallen and putting them in the bag he was holding just as he stepped away to pick the ones that had rolled farther. “It’s good to see that you finally found something entertaining to do around here.”

Humphrey mumbled apologetically at her chosen words, a dig at how annoying they had been in the past days, something that went out his mind as he suddenly was stricken by how much more beautiful she was up close, “there had to be a silver lining in this, right, Ma’am?” he asked, internally remarking how not many women caught his attention but she was definitely one of the few who did.

“Like in everything, I suppose.” She said before dropping in the last of the snow-balls and straightening up.

That’s when he fixated on the dried tear tracks on her cheeks, since the light hit her just right for him to notice but he decided not to comment on it, “You should join us for a while, it could be a good distraction, at least for a couple of minutes.”

Sansa had no interest in doing so, “I’m sorry, but I’m sure you’ll understand I have responsibilities that await me.”

“Of course, Ma’am...” Humphrey replied realizing, not for the first time, how uninterested the Queen appeared to be in regards to their visit; she wasn’t exactly an engaging host.

Sansa was about to leave but she stopped for a moment, “I’m sorry to be such a bad host, I wish this storm hadn’t come about. I would have been able to spend more time with you and in better spirits.”

Humphrey nodded, “Although, I’m sure that we’ll extend our stay here, with your permission.”

“Of course,” she added, “You won’t be able to make the trip up to Wall in the next days and, if you allow me, I wouldn't recommend making it at all, these storms usually come in groups.

Humphrey nodded in understanding, “I’ll talk to Errol about it.”

“Good.” Sansa replied and she was about to be on her way but he stopped her.

“Is everything alright Ma’am?” he asked and she saw her throat muscles flex on a gulp, “with your people? At the other castles?... I hope you didn’t suffer too many losses.” and it was only then that he realized that it wasn’t only human lives that were lost but probably other things like cattle and crops had succumbed to the storm. _No wonder she seemed so upset._

Sansa nodded along wishing it was only that which had her feeling down, and it probably was a factor but that wasn’t the entire reason for her mood. She didn’t even know what the reason was, especially since she hadn’t felt like this in years. And that made her feel even worse, seeing that her sadness never really went away; her soul aches just became less frequent. “The crows I’ve gotten so far are encouraging, it seem that the storm only hit hard the north-west. But we’ll have to wait a day or two and then send emissaries to the farthest places to see how things are.

Humphrey nodded hesitatingly since it wasn’t his place to offer but he decided to go through with it, “Let us know if you need help. I’m sure there’s something we could do if something serious occurred.” on the one hand he could ask his family for some bushels of food and on the other, Lord Errol could get even more help, since he was interested in her to make the betrothal official if she acquiesced to it.

Sansa barely even acknowledged his words before bowing her head. She went to her room before the sun set and ask to have someone call Lady Rose to her room while she prepared the concoction —with only seven drops, and then she drank it. She appreciated that those drops would settle her but she also disliked the fact that she would feel numb and detached the next days.

She got rid of her clothes in seconds to put on her sleeping robe and she got in bed under her warm furs as she felt her mind losing her sharpness along with her worries. Then, she wiped her tear stricken face to try to get a hold of herself when she heard steps and Lady Rose appeared with snowflakes in her hair and clothes and a wet skirt, she realized that the young woman had been playing in the yard too. “Go back,” she said feeling dizzy and starting to slur her speech as she gestured for Lady Rose to leave. “I don’t need you. Go and play some more.”

Lady Rose didn’t obey and instead she went for the vial with a frown and a sigh, she didn’t like it and when she turned back to the queen, she saw that she was already half asleep. She picked up the Queen’s clothes and she made sure that she was comfortable under the furs, then, she fed the fire because she knew the robe alone wouldn’t keep the woman warm. Finally, she peeked out the door and she had one of the guards to take a note she had just written to Lord Cromwell.

By the next evening Sansa wasn’t feeling as emotionally drained but she was suffering the physical consequences of the sedatives that her maester provided. Waking up in that dizzying daze was never pleasant and she wasn’t fully able to hold herself up so she had to support herself on whatever was around to make her way to the bathing tub waiting for her, warm enough thanks to how close it was to the fire. She stayed in there with glassy eyes and confusing thoughts rising from the dark depths of her mind where nothing and everything made sense or mattered.

On the verge of falling asleep, she heard a gasp that she knew was coming from Lady Rose since no one else had permission to enter her chambers when she was in one of these moods; she heard the lady make disgruntled noises, telling her that the water was freezing as she dropped two buckets of water that were near the fire and she immediately felt the warmth consuming her.

Lady Rose only stared at her until she was assured that she wasn’t as gone as she had been at other times, “You shouldn’t drink that stuff, you’ve said it yourself, you don’t like how it makes you feel.” she chided as she put her hand on the queen’s forehead to take her temperature and reassuring herself that she wasn’t as cold as she had feared.

“Sometimes, what I feel in the moment is worse.”

Lady Rose said nothing because what the queen once said to her was true; she was lucky not to know how badly a person can get to feel. She knelt on the floor, “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“You don’t know that many people,” was Sansa mindless response as she sat straighter in the tub.

Lady Rose wondered how to proceed because she was given trust but there was a distance between them too, “Lord Cromwell said that we were lucky; the storm hit the west hardest but we got word from Karhold and Last Hearth that there weren’t many losses.” _for now_ , “The storm didn’t hit New Gift, Castle Black or North of the wall. So there’s no need to worry about your brother. Also, the farming lands in the Barrowlands and the Rills weren’t affected either.” she saw the queen nodding to her words.

Sansa could tell by the young woman’s tone of voice that she was worried about her, “...I hate that you’re seeing me like this.” Still, the girl was one of the few people that she trusted to take care of her when she was out of herself like this.

“Hate is the ugliest word.” She stated and Sansa smiled at her innocence, “I know, I know, there are worse ones.” A reply never came so she stood and went to grab a brush, which had the Queen move her hair to the side and wring it carefully before putting her head on the edge of the tub and leaving the hair free to have Lady Rose brush and untangle it silently for a long while. She noticed the puddle on the floor growing before asking, “And what’s on The Queen’s mind? The storm? Lord Errol? Her people or the damage the storm will do to the stores?” not that she expected a real answer.

Sansa cupped some water to wash over her face, “Absolutely everything. Nothing. Things just seemed heavier all of the sudden.” she heard the young woman make a sound, “The storm was just the last straw before my emotions ran away from me.”

“Do you feel better now? After getting things off your chest? After sleeping?

“Yes. I’m looking at things under a better light.” she answered honestly, “But my concerns are still there.” even if she no longer felt like drowning in her sadness. She decided to change the subject, “Did you enjoy your snowball fight yesterday?”

“Yes,” the girl admitted but she didn’t tell the queen that she hadn’t gone back to play when she told her to, “The Southrons were acting like children...”

“I’d like to still have some innocence in me to still enjoy such things.” Lady Rose was one of the few people who knew about the marks on her body... on her soul. She was under oath to keep it to herself but Sansa knew that it wasn’t needed, that out of loyalty and affection, the young lady wouldn’t say a word about it or about other things she sometimes told her.

The sound that came out wasn’t exactly a wail, more like a sad sigh, like it weighted heavily on her, “If you don’t go out and try it you won’t know if you’ll still enjoy it. You should do it, Ma’am, even if it’s only playing with _Snow_.” she said encouragingly.

“Hmmm... I don’t think that’s how a Queen should act.”

“What’s the point in denying yourself life’s simple pleasures?”

Sansa was taken aback by the words and so she turned to look at Rose, wondering where the girl was picking up such mature words... she fleetingly thought that someone might be corrupting her, “What do you know of pleasure?” she asked amused though her thoughts wondered off, “What do I know?” That time when Podrick had touched her neck the second time they kissed flashed through her mind and reflected on how something seemingly innocent as that had thrilled her so; a reminder that she decided to push aside for the moment.

She was embarrassed when she spoke, “It was just something that Lady Cromwell said to me once during one of her visits,” she admitted without realizing that the Queen was no longer paying attention to her and instead she was hugging her legs to her chest as though to shrink into herself. Lady Rose continued brushing her hair.

_‘We change, we evolve, we go backwards...’_

A part of her would like to take a step back, the part of her longed for innocence, for a simpler time, to remain ignorant of all the bad things that happened in the world.

She absentmindedly heard Lady Rose asking her in a whisper if _she loved him_ and it brought her out of her haze, making her meet her eyes for a second. They both knew to whom she was referring. “The most significant word in our language and the answer is no.” _She did not love Podrick Payne._ She wasn’t even sure how much she cared for him or if she loved him in her own way, not in pure form but in a more apprehensive, obscure way; a way filled with ghosts of other men, open wounds and disillusionment _. Why was it that she couldn’t bring herself to love one of the few men who had been true and good to her?_ She felt her throat tightening and her eyes tearing up; _she wanted to banish those thoughts..._ if she pursued that path she’d be back to the dark place where she had been in the last few days. “I care for him.” She stated, feeling that the word fit her character better. She also cared for Lord Cromwell, for Lady Rose, for Lord Manderly and his granddaughters and for Lord Royce, though not in the same manner, _“I might even be a bit infatuated with him,”_ that was as good as admitting out loud all that she assumed was said about them. “You’ll tell no one what I just admitted, understood?” she looked her way and the young lady nodded blushing.

An infatuation was something for a spoilt child but she was too old to be infatuated with a boy.

_The Queen_ was _infatuated_ with _the Knight;_ it was something she had never dared named but the word somehow seemed to fit. “Don’t you worry over his past? Over his reputation?” she asked shyly.

She had heard them talking about the knight’s reputation a couple of weeks ago and she had been embarrassed by the free manner in which they were speaking but also shocked by the queen engaging in such a scandalous and improper sort of conversation. It had her wondering what other improper and scandalous things they could be doing aside from speaking.

_‘But believe me, my intentions aren’t lowly, Ma’am.’_

Whatever his intentions were, the Queen was aware of them and she hadn’t gracefully put them to rest, she hadn’t dismissed him as she had seen her do to innumerable other men. Lady Rose had wanted to run and tell Lord Cromwell about it but she had enough doubts to stop herself, especially since she knew that _Her Grace_ wouldn’t like her going behind her back like that. Not that she could do such a thing; she cared too much for her to make her look bad.

“I’ve been married twice; I have a past as well.”

 _It was different,_ “It’s not the same and you know it.” She waited for an answer but she got none, “He’s a good man, he’s good looking, honest, charming too, I can see that.” she admitted that and then was reminded of something Lord Harry said once, “Is it... are you interested in him because you’re curious about his reputation?” she asked in a whisper as her eyes went to one of the scars in the queen’s shoulder. _She had told her about her scars once._

Sansa didn’t see that coming and she stiffened, her mind was clear for a second and she looked to Lady Rose who was red-faced and averting her eyes, seemingly engrossed with something on the floor. What was she doing discussing this with anyone? With a young girl, no less? “Believe me, I don’t feel that king of curiosity.”

Not that the girl was completely far off, Podrick was Podrick; even if he said he expected nothing more than a few kisses between them, she suspected that it wasn’t entirely true. Her instincts may not know about passion but she knew how to keep her guard up when she felt threatened. She couldn’t stop her mind from wondering how disappointed Podrick would be by discovering that even if she decided to give into him and to go past the point of no return, she’d never act with as much abandon as the women from his past.

_It was good that such a thing was unthinkable to her._

“...Is that why you were sad? because of him?” Being infatuated with Ser Podrick, knowing it was impossible and having a suitor courting her under the same roof was something out of a song or a love story. _If it hadn’t been Ser Podrick —who wasn’t up to the Queen’s standards in the least— she would even find it romantic._

“No.” She stated immediately. Or well, it was. There were many reasons and he was among them. Lord Errol... she had had two conversations with the man and she was utterly uninterested. She had been more taken with the man with the snow balls and they had only exchange a few pleasantries. And she was sad because of Podrick. Because she had seen him stepping aside and it made her wonder how awful he was feeling after having been ignoring each other, by having Lord Errol’s presence constantly rubbed in his face. “A long time ago, I also thought there was little more to life than love and heartbreak. You too will be disillusioned of that notion someday.” she saw the girl lowering her eyes to the floor and as she took on how young she was, she couldn’t help but feel her chest aching for her and in an impulse she turned slightly and she leaned to kiss the girl on the head. “It’s better not to be so naive, trust me.” Then the lady held her gaze as she nodded solemnly.

Lady Rose had to blush at the Queen’s display of affection, she felt privileged. “A few moments ago you said you’d like to still be innocent.”

Her mind was going in circles thanks to the calming potion, “You’ll have to forgive me but sometimes when I takes this crap I’m not fully coherent.” she said feeling a bit amused by the whole thing and Lady Rose ginned at her as if she had been joking, “Now, be a good girl and bring me a towel, a dress and some hot food.”

Lady Rose nodded as she stood, “You’re in no shape to leave this room, Ma’am.”

“I know,” she said as she took the towel and the girl turned to look for a cozy robe, “You don’t have to order me around.” her tone was whiny and a second later she saw that the girl’s lips were tugged in a grin.

Sansa didn’t want to show her that she was concerned and suspicious because, as doped up as she was, she couldn’t overlook that the seemingly innocent girl was aware of thing she shouldn’t have been. She was talking about pleasure and she kept pushing the issue with a certainty that even her, at her age and with her experience, lacked.

As soon as she had a mind, she would make sure to keep a closer eye on the girl.

By midmorning the next day she was feeling better and so she went back to her duties. Lord Cromwell had skillfully covered for her in her absence and he gave her all the information she needed before meeting with her council in the afternoon. While they walked along the ramparts they saw the various lords from Dorne jumping from the edge of one of the towers onto some big piles of snow for fun.

“I don’t know if they’re purposely trying to kill themselves and get you in trouble with their families and regions.”

From her own experience, Sansa knew nothing would happen to them from that height. Further ahead, she saw Podrick from afar in the company of some soldiers who were doing the same but from the barracks.

Her afternoon consisted of more meetings and writing scrolls to be sent in all directions before leaving her study for the Great Hall alongside Lord Harry. It was then that she ran into Lord Errol and his friend. They greeted her politely and Lord Harry made himself scarce a moment later; Sansa expected Lord Errol’s friend to walk away and leave them alone too but the opposite happened, which seemed odd to her and to the young man, whose name she still was unable to remember, ad she was too embarrassed to ask at this point.

When they were alone, she found herself at a loss for words, “was the storm a sign that winter is coming, Ma’am?”

Actually _, that was the reason for her troubled mind._ Sansa started at a slow pace and he followed, “the maesters can’t tell yet. They’ll have to wait a few weeks to know for sure.

He nodded, finding the subject easier to breach than other matter “And is the North ready for it?”

“No,” she admitted. “Nor is the south, I’m assuming?” she answered finding it ironic that he smiled at her answer.

On his part, he found her defensiveness amusing, “Will you inform us when you know for certain?”

“Of course,” she replied thankful that the subject was done for as fast as it was.

He nodded back, “Now... You’ll have to forgive me,” Humphrey apologized and got a nod from her.

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Podrick had worried about her after what Jacob told him and he had taken notice of her absence of nearly two days. He had asked Lord Cromwell and Lady Rose about it, Jacob too, and it was only the latter who told him the truth, the other two just made excuses on her behalf...he hadn’t believed the Commander of the Guard at first but for some reason the man arranged everything so that Podrick could make sure that she was alive and well, if under the influence of some sedative.

The guard had called Lady Rose away from the Queen’s chambers under some excuse as well as the other guard who was posted at her door; _Snow_ had been left to guard her alone and it escorted him to her bed, where he could see that she was down for the count. He took her pulse and her temperature, only to check, and after making sure she was alive he left, almost running into Lady Rose who was on her way back to the room.

His attention had been on her and when he came back to Winterfell after going to help in the nearby villages, he was told that she was attending a council meeting. That’s when he made the decision to seek her out with more insistence than he had done after Lord Errol’s arrival.

He found her in minutes knowing very well that she wouldn’t have too much time for him because she was supposed to dine with Lord Errol and the man had practically shouted it from the rooftops. He intercepted her before she left the library, seeing a chance to be alone with her since the guards were waiting for her further along the corridor, “Are you alright?” he asked coming out of the darkness and he could see that he startled her.

_“You frightened me!”_

He didn’t apologize and since she didn’t answer, he asked again, “Are you alright? I haven’t seen you in days.” He wasn’t about to tell her that he knew about the downturn in her mood but he had to say something and he held her gaze that said he wouldn’t leave without an answer.

“The storm didn’t make my life easier.” she replied plainly.

Podrick followed her to a private yard where his words made her stop, “Is it just that, Ma’am? Isn’t there anything I can do to help?” he insisted and maybe it was because he already knew her too well that he could read the skepticism in her posture and silence, “What? After everything we’ve been through together, is it still hard to believe that I worry about you?” he said defensively and was only met by a bashful mumble.

_She hadn’t expected this from him._ Sansa didn’t know how to react because the question was a direct hit in her chest, she was trying to control her emotions and show nothing. She stuttered for what felt like an eternity before sighing deeply, “You’re right...It’s just that... I’m not used to having people worry over me.”

His annoyance and worry were replaced by pity, and pity was the last thing he wanted to feel for her. He was also struck by the thought that even if she was giving him this moment of her time, it wouldn’t be right to unleash his own doubts and disappointment that were caused by Lord Errol, “...Then you should better get used to it,” he offered both shyly and with an odd confidence that he didn’t always feel around her. His awkwardness vanished as he saw the effect of his words on her, the initial flash in her eyes followed by a tentative grin. He had a fleeting memory of Bronn advising him to never _ever_ let a woman see how interested he really was in her... but it was too late for that.

Neither one could really tell how they ended up enveloped in a hug.

Everything else dissipated as they took a deep breath and closed their eyes.

Sansa was feeling too much, her emotions were at odds, optimisms because of what he had said and sadness because she knew they would lead nowhere. He was hugging her so tightly that she wondered if he was overstepping on purpose because try as might she was too aware of her breasts pressed against him, of how solid his chest felt...of his torso, his back, his warmth, his strength. After a few seconds that felt too short, she felt him drawing away and she had an urge to stop him but she didn’t.

And Podrick noticed that she didn't put a lot of space between them. “I worry about you, don’t doubt that.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” she swallowed as she kept her eyes fixed on his. She didn’t address her state of mind then, instead she addressed his, “...Ever since Lord Errol arrived, you’ve stayed away and—”

_How observant,_ “—I thought you would appreciate it.

She struggled to find the words, “I do. I mean—”

Podrick decided to interject before he’d lose his courage and his hands tightened on her waist, “—We both know that what’s between us is not much but I would still feel uncomfortable if I had to be around you and Lord Errol... It’s out of respect, I suppose,” _­or rather, uncertainty._ “The Lord’s presence bothers me, I won’t deny it.”

“...I’m sorry to have put you in this position.” She could only guess how uncomfortable this must be for him. But Podrick had to know that she had no interest in Lord Errol... though that probably didn’t do much to ease his worries or to make her feel less guilty. Her hand went from his shoulder to his jaw where she offered a soothing caress with her thumb, “I don’t mean for you to feel like—” she stopped her motions when she felt him letting go of her and stepping back while his eyes went up.

Halfway through her words, a shadow caught his attention and he released her immediately only to look up and realize someone had being watching them. Sansa needed no further explanation to understand what was going on and so she stepped back as well to look up at a window where she found Lord Cromwell’s eyes fixed on them.

It felt like the world was cracking under her feet as her mind acknowledge the gravity of the situation she and Podrick had found themselves in, “I’ll handle this.” she said turning back to him, but seeing that he was about to refuse, she shook her head, “ _I’ll handle this._ It’s better that I do it, trust me.” She repeated as she tried to regain her balance, though she realized she was shaking and sweating.

Saying that she bolted would be an understatement, she knew what to expect from Lord Harry but not from Lord Cromwell even if she was aware of his suspicions and that he had been in league with Lord Harry. He had never gone as far as questioning her openly nor had he doubted her integrity.

She found him in her solar waiting for her and before she had time to say anything he did, staring out the window, “I’m no one to judge, Ma’am. And though I’m glad you have someone to count on it is my duty to remind you that what I witnessed a couple of minutes ago could have been misconstrued by someone else who doesn’t know you quite like I do.

Sansa clenched her jaw; she had been ready for something far worse and she didn’t know what to say. She silently made her way to her desk to sit on her chair with a certain sense of defeat. Being confronted by Lord Harry would be so easy, nothing like this. Lord Cromwell stayed in place for a few minutes and so did she, lost in thought and still expecting something worse from him. When he finally stepped away from the window she decided to speak, “Podrick and I are... friends. He has become a pillar of support,” she lied, “but nothing improper has happened between us.”

Out of respect for her —and because of the pedestal where he had placed her, he wanted to believe her words even if it was useless, _no one would believe her if their relationship got out._ Not even he could believe it, the image of them embracing and then exchanging words so closely together as they continued to hold onto each other; Ser Podrick’s hand on her waist, hers on his shoulders and then on his face to make her point, left no room for interpretation. “You have under your roof a suitor from one of Dorne’s more prominent families, your house is filled with foreigners and although your liaison with Ser Podrick may be an open secret to some of us, they won’t treat it as such. I beg you to be more careful.”

She lowered her eyes as she mulled over the truth in his words, vividly aware that Lord Cromwell seemed not to think too badly of her, or to want to hold her relationship with Podrick against her.

“Ser Podrick is a good man, I respect him. And I know you won’t like what I’m about to say but I’m sure you have already thought about it. If you consider him worthy of your affection and trust, then I congratulate you but ... someone in your position should not be ruled by her emotions, My Queen. Take away Ser Podrick’s title of Ambassador and what’s left? A Knight from a lower house with no lands or riches to his name. He’s not worthy of you and, if he returns your feelings, if he just goes and breaks his Kingsguard’s oath... that would be disgrace to himself and to you; the scandal wouldn’t leave you unscathed.”

In that moment she was reminded of the reason why she had chosen Lord Cromwell to counsel her, his lack of sentimentality and objectivity for every situation. And it was true that she had thought about everything he had just said, “There’s no need for concern, nothing beyond what you just witnesses will happen.”

He nodded respectfully; he had no interest in the depth of the relationship or even questioning it. _The least he knew, the better; it would be easier to deny it in the future._ What was crucial was that it would be kept secret and that it wouldn't evolve, “Then let me add that passionate love burns bright and fast, sadly, it tends to end sooner than one would wish.”

“I’ll bet Lady Cromwell would love hearing that,” she had to add sardonically.

Lord Cromwell smiled knowing that that was the Queen’s way to return the blow she was receiving, “I speak the truth, Ma’am. And you should keep this in mind too; do you think that everything you’ve built is worth throwing away for maybe three years of happiness with Ser Podrick Payne? That’s only something you know, and only you can make that choice.”

Sansa nodded thoughtfully since, to her regret, she could see that he was right. Regardless, she had expected more, much more worse from him. When he was about to leave she stopped him, “You won’t discuss what you saw or our conversation with anyone else. You won’t discuss it with Ser Podrick either. That’s an order.”

Lord Cromwell nodded, “Understood.” He actually had no desire to bring up the matter to Ser Podrick, or to try to convince him to stop his advances... if anything he was surprised that Podrick Payne out of all men had earned the interest, or even the heart of one of the must unattainable women there were, and not because she was _Queen._ He’d even congratulate him and offer his full admiration and respect if he wasn’t under her orders to keep silent...and if all of this wasn’t an imminent problem.

Sansa decided to go further, “Neither you nor your delegates will write to my brother,” she knew what it was like to be sitting on valuable information and to use it behind someone’s back, so she wanted to cover her bases, “Better yet, you are prohibited from addressing the matter at all. Don’t make me regret naming you my right hand.”

Lord Cromwell made a disgruntled sound but he nodded. He wouldn’t dare tell the Queen what to do. He was paid to do so but he was sure that if he tried to impose his opinion on her personal life, her reaction would be to do the opposite, to rebel because sadly, she wasn’t above that and she had given him and her other advisors more than one headache in the past.

A long while after Lord Cromwell had left, Sansa’s spirits were down and it wasn’t until a maid came in to remind her that Lord Errol was waiting for her that the man even registered in Sansa’s mind. She joined him for dinner though she wasn’t hungry but then she rejected his offer to join her on her nightly walk in the Godswood.

Her eyes kept looking around hoping to run into Podrick somewhere but it was in vain. In the end, before she retired to sleep she sent one of her guards to look for him and bring him to her. Neither spoke before they were certain that they were completely alone, they kept their distance and the doors open and their voices were barely above a whisper. “I told him you were a great support to me and that we are friends... that what he saw was you offering that support after these past difficult days I’ve had.”

Podrick nodded, having been expecting something along those lines.

“I also forbade him to talk to you about it. I’ve said what needs to be said.” Podrick continued nodding but he remained silent and it was getting to her, “Say something.”

“You haven’t talked to me about the difficult days you’ve had,” was the only thing that he managed to say. After all, he had a good idea of how the conversation with Lord Cromwell had gone; the man had probably listed the thousand reasons why _Podrick Payne_ was a bad choice for her.

_She couldn’t believe that’s what he wanted to talk about right then while she was upset about this entire situation._ “You should retire for the night. The less we’re seen together in the next few days, the better.”

_“Hmmm”_ Podrick emitted a bitter groan that was enough to make her realize that he knew something like that was coming and he didn’t appreciate it.

“You know it’s for the best.” she whispered realizing that she really didn’t like it when she became the object of his anger, this shouldn’t be a big deal and his attitude was stating to make her angry too.

“Put yourself in my shoes just like I always put myself in yours and then tell me if you don’t think what you are asking me it’s unfair.” That was the last thing he said, the last words they spoke in a week.

.  
.  
.

Some days later he ran into Lady Rose on the ramparts as she was engrossed looking at Her Grace and Lord Errol in the distance.

“...He’s going to kiss her...any moment, now...” she said thinking he was Lord Cromwell and when he didn’t answer she turned to see Ser Podrick, _even better_ , “Care to make a wager?” she asked with a self-satisfied smile, she liked that he would witness what was about to happen, _maybe this way he’d leave the Queen alone._

Podrick studied their posture and yes, it was clear that the man was going to try something but Her Grace’s body language told him that she suspected what the Lord meant to do and it made her tense and on guard. The knight feigned disinterest before walking away, “Three moons say he’ll try to kiss her and she’ll side-step him.” he simply said to Lady Rose, who nodded, accepting the terms. He opted to leave instead of staying to see if he won the wager because he wasn’t completely sure that he would win.

Her sense of duty could make him lose. And he definitively didn’t want to see her kissing someone else.

Not that it was likely that she would let herself be kissed out in the open for everyone to see.

Hours later he ran into Her Grace without having been meaning to but he didn’t want to ask about her kissing the lord. “Between the two of us; if you wish, you can repay me for saving you so long ago, _now_ with a kiss.” he said without preamble, which surprised her, because that was the conversation she had been having with Lord Errol the last time he saw her; they were discussing their adventure and how Podrick refused to accept any payment for his services.

Her eyebrows stayed raised as she took his words in as she glanced over his shoulder first and then hers to make sure they were alone.

Sansa also looked behind her, still startled and hoping no one had heard, as she felt annoyance at him for speaking to her like that out in the open. She felt the cold wind hit her face and when she turned back to Podrick she saw that he was looking at her hair waving in the wind, “...Bran should be the one paying, then.” She answered in a low voice as she passed him by and realizing how ridiculous her words were, “He’s the one who employs your services, not I.” 

Then, she continued walking but she suddenly remembered their last conversation and she stopped and turned to call his name, when he faced her once more, she spoke, “I thought about the last thing you said to me...before this, and you are absolutely right.”

.  
.

.  
When Lady Rose came up to him two days later to give him his three moons, neither said a word as Podrick played with the coins in his hands thoughtfully. She made a move to leave that broke him out of the trance, “Keep them, I can’t take money from a child.”

She huffed, “You keep them. You need them more than I do.”

Podrick never saw that coming, it was the first time someone rubbed his lack of wealth in his face but instead of feeling humiliated he was actually amused, he was sure his finances were in better health than hers, “How is it that a great lord’s daughter came to be the Queen’s lady-in-waiting? And why haven’t I seen your father at the quarterly meetings?” he asked cockily, though right away he felt like that was a low blow even if it was true, her father was a lord, just not from a prominent family.

The young lady put on airs of being better than she was... just like him. Well, not like him entirely, she was a handmaid with a lady’s title and he was _a Knight,_ a Kingsguard and the King’s Ambassador and his renown had grown from having saved the Queen not once but twice, from having fought in the battle of the Blackwater and in the Long Night, though it was his latest claim to glory that had shed a new light on his past battles. No lord would close his doors to him in the south and certainly not here in the North. Maybe he didn’t have great riches but he was renowned and respected in neither a way in which Lady Rose’s father would never be. Nor most men, for that matter. So he was proud of who he was and no one could take that from him.

Hours later, he got on a horse and, as he often did on his off time, he left the castle along some soldiers and families who were also enjoying some free time. The infamous snow storm had stopped almost a week before and the Northerners were going back to their normal lives and after checking with people that the weather would favor them, he decided to go with the group. Although he didn’t join in the singing on the way over, he decided to put his mind in order even if the reason why he decided to go on this trip was to stop thinking so much and relax.

After running through the entire labyrinth of his emotions he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t jealous of Lord Errol…or he was but only to a point. In a brazen and triumphal way he was glad that at least the lord hadn’t gotten from her what he already had.

They rode at a leisurely pace for about three hours before reaching the hot springs where the men hunted, the women cooked and everyone ate, sang, danced and even went swimming and played with the children. He returned to the castle in renewed and high spirits even if he was exhausted and his back was killing him.

After leaving the stables he started to walk in the direction of the keep when he ran into Lord Cromwell, Her Grace and the direwolf. “Ma’am, My lord. _Snow_.” he greeted shivering, thanks to his wet clothes and the freezing air.

Lord Cromwell looked at the group spreading through the yard; there were soldiers laughing, children whose energy didn’t run out starting to play around again, men unloading pots, cups and food from the wagons along with dead animals that’d soon become food, “I take it you had a nice day?” he asked curiously as he slowed his steps to answer.

“The best, my lord.” The cherry on the cake of his nice day would be for him to change clothes and drink something warm. _Snow_ went directly for the wagon, surely lured by the smell of dead deer on it.

Lord Cromwell seemed to pay no mind to Ser Podrick’s muddled up and ragged look as he dragged them away from the building where the peasants were. The Queen and the Knight shared a worried look between them and he knew that they thought he was going to talk to them about their so called friendship but that was not his intention. He trusted that she would behave more accordingly with her station from now on. Instead, he proceeded to disclose to Ser Podrick the contents of a letter they had just gotten from _The Reach_ where they set the terms for a nearly astronomical increase of the interest rates, which would impact the imports of grain to the _North._ “This of course, is to leverage their economy for the talks of independence that are taking place.”

“If this is them beforehand, I cannot imagine how it will be when they obtain their independence.” Sansa added with concern.

“I imagine there shall be treaties in place so that no Realm is able to take too much advantage from the others...” Podrick voiced their expectations. Her Grace and the Lord continued discussing the matter and each time he tried to excuse himself they kept on asking questions that stopped him from leaving. Some time passed in that fashion and he was about to ask them to move this to the interior of the keep when Lord Cromwell quite abruptly said his goodbyes and left; Podrick couldn't help but follow with his eyes because he wouldn’t have guessed that the man was interested at all in leaving them alone.

Sansa too was surprised by the Lord’s sudden departure and even by the lack of suggestion that she’d join him. Podrick’s eyes rose to meet hers and she could tell they were thinking the same thing, “We’re considering sending our Ambassador in _King’s Landing_ to _The Reach_ for in person negotiations on behalf of The _North_.”

Podrick nodded, “I know you’re not fond of Lord Bronn but let me write to him to see if he can help us solve this.”

“I’d rather you didn’t...” she knew when to set side her prejudices and she would for The North but there were diplomatic avenues to exhaust before asking and owing favors, “ _...yet._ Let’s see what we can do on our own first.”

Podrick understood the reason for the refusal. “Good evening, then.” he said without waiting for an answer before leaving.

It wasn’t the first time that she noticed that Podrick wasn’t sticking to protocol when he was with her. He’d excuse himself, yes but he wouldn’t wait for her dismissal, for instance. Without further delay, she went on her way to make the leg down to the Godswood, and then back to the keep. _What good did it do to ruminate on all that?_ It’d only serve to fill her mind with meaningless matters. Given what had happened between them, he could even call her _Sansa_ in private and it would be completely normal.

_“Damn it!”_ Podrick whispered to himself as he realized, too late, that she was bereft of guards and direwolf. Honestly though, he felt that being in her presence or even talking to her would ruin what remained of his day but there were important matters to address.

When she turned to look over her shoulder he could see the surprise on her face at him going after her and he cursed his body from instantly reacting to knowing that he’d soon be alone with her. They walked silently for a good deal of time, the Weirwood tree came into view and they followed in its direction.

She had been surprised to have him join her as he normally would.

As they walked he measured the steps that they had taken together numerable times before. As soon as they stepped under the canopy of the giant tree, he took her hand, knowing that they were hidden from view, “I’m not sure if I am more jealous of Lord Errol or just upset by the whole situation with Lord Cromwell.” He admitted.

It wasn’t his words what caused a reaction, “You’re freezing.” She was wearing gloves and the cold still seeped in.

She squeezed his hand for maybe three seconds before she released him, which may be what made him speak out one of his most repressed thoughts, “Were you jealous when that lady from Crofter Village was showing interest in me?” she immediately slowed her pace, which did wonders for him.

Sansa wasn’t one to talk about emotions, “...If that wasn’t jealousy then I don’t know if I can put a name to it.” She replied honestly.

Just as they came as close to the majestic tree as they normally would, Podrick’s hands went to her waist as he swiftly nudged her two or three steps closing the distance between them and the tree before turning her and pushing her on the bark and speaking against her lips, _“Me too, I felt annoyed and uncomfortable,”_ he hadn’t finished speaking before she was grabbing his shoulders to push him away. When their eyes met he had to let out a breath of disappointment at seeing the anger in her eyes and so he stepped aside, letting her disentangle from him as he slumped on the tree.

“ _Not here,_ this is a sacred tree.” She said as she hurried to get back on track. They continued being sloppy. _More than a sacred tree, they were on a visible spot,_ she chastised herself. Anywhere in the open was a potential risk, and even more so now that Lord Cromwell knew about them. She left him behind but he was hot on her trail.

“Then where, _Ma’am_?” he asked brazenly, “I’m tired of this. Stop playing with me once and for all if that’s what you truly want.” When she turned back to him she was blushing profusely maybe because it was the first time that he was the one pushing the matter, his agreeable disposition gone, for once. His feelings for her had made a subtle change in him, there was no denying it. In the past weeks he had been overcome by disappointment and bitterness, he wanted it to stop. He wanted to go back to being the easy-going person he had been for the better part of his life.

She _had_ told him to let her know if and when her misgivings started to tire him and though she had come to a decision regarding them, she would rather wait until the next day when he would be in better shape. “You’re freezing Podrick, you’re wet. If I were you I’d be more worried about falling ill from the cold than ab—”

“—Than thinking about the thousand places we could hide away to kiss? Than thinking about the thousand words I could use to convince you that I’m worth it? …That you should throw away whatever counsel Lord Cromwell surely gave you to stay away from me?” he asked as he took in the fact that she was guiding him towards a narrow and small structure, a shed that didn’t offer much in the way of protection.

The doors were always open and as soon as she strode in she turned to face him, her eyes were fierce and she looked like she was about to go into a tirade warning him to never dare talk to her like that again, least of all touch or kiss her out in the open but he didn’t give it much thought and before she had fully turned, Podrick was crashing into her and driving her back as he kissed her like his life depended on it. He heard and felt the gasp of surprise against his lips and he was forced to stop just after two steps because they had reached the end of the shed and her body was suddenly pushing against his, and he could feel all of her warmth and firmness. In the heat of the moment the last thing on his mind was that he could be making a mistake with his brashness because she was kissing him back with as much intensity as him, grabbing his neck with so much need.

At first she had been angered by the way in which he was acting but then, the absurdity of him believing she thought he wasn’t worthy came out of his mouth and it felt like being drenched in cold water. And although it didn’t completely assuage her anger it did lower it considerably.

Then, when he kissed her again, her first reaction had been a mix of indignation and confusion out of uncertainty as to what was happening but then, she didn’t even think before kissing him back out of her own need for contact. It felt like her stomach was doing flips inside her, her heart seemed to want to run off and her lungs needed need air, she pulled him even closer to her and only for two second she managed to find the will to detach her mouth from his, “I don’t plan on listening to Lord Cromwell.” she whispered before she was kissing him again, and enjoying the sound of a moan coming from deep within him that made her shiver as she continued in her pursuit.

Truthfully, it hadn’t even occurred to her to stay away from him once Lord Errol was finally gone. The only reason why she was keeping her distance was the fact that the Lords from _Dorne_ were there. _“Slower,”_ she requested, lost as she was on the feelings she was also surprised by the explosion of sensations that went through her, by not feeling intimidated by his lack of tact, by how she actually enjoyed his brashness.

On his part, Podrick was confused by the sudden change in dynamics, it was like his mind wasn’t working properly, as if he was not aware of what was happening, _“Whatever my lady wants,”_ he put some distance between their bodies and he looked back out for a second to clear his head and to make sure they couldn’t be seen from outside. And once he was confident on it, he couldn’t stop his mouth from avidly seeking hers, his enthusiasm as great as before even if he was consciously taming it. One of his hands went to her waist as the other went between her back and the wood, both to keep her dress clear of the dirt on the wall but also to remind himself that his hands couldn’t go wondering in places she wouldn’t approve of.

On one occasion in which they parted to breathe Sansa took the opportunity to lean backwards to study him as he took deep breaths with his eyes closed, he was flushed red but he was frowning. A feeling foreign to her came over —every part of this was foreign to her, though— and she cupped his face in her hands rushing to talk as soon as he looked at her and before convincing herself otherwise, “Believe me, my intention has never been to play with you or to hurt you... or even worst, to make you think you’re not worth it. _You are. You truly are._ Don’t ever think you’re not. No one has ever treated me like you do and spend time with you has become the only think I look forward to every day—” she could see in his eyes that she was starting to cast out all the doubts from his mind. So she kissed him when he leaned in again but she suddenly felt the need to get everything out of her chest and so she made him draw back after a few seconds of him clinging to her, “—I know I talk about nipping things in the bud before I go and do the opposite. And I am sorry. It seems all I can do with you is the opposite of what I say. But it’s true that I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know how to go forward. And I am sorry that this is tiring for you...”

Podrick let her speak her mind both listening intently and surprised at all her revelations and he wasn’t about to interrupt her. This rant of her was filled with words he had never heard, nor hoped to hear, from her before. After a few moments he lowered his face to her leather-clad shoulder and they stayed like that as they held on to each other and they regained a sense of calm. Then he turned his head finding the crook of her neck and feeling her shiver in his arms in response to his breathing on such a sensitive spot.

He was taking her words with a grain of salt because she tended to give him hope to then put up a wall between them and he made a promise to himself not to let that happen again, if she put an obstacle between them tomorrow, he’d finally quit. He took a deep breath before speaking, “Don’t think so much about going forward.” He couldn’t help the whine in his tone, “Things usually happen on their own as long as there aren’t so many doubts and obstacles in the way.” he whispered before planting a kiss on the skin of her neck making her jolt, shiver and gasp, all in one. He then straightened again to face her, letting her reactions go unacknowledged.

Sansa’s hands made a path from his shoulders to his chest before grasping his sides and waist thus stopping him from kissing her again and feeling herself blushing because this was the first time she touched him, or anyone, like this, all the while trying to shake off her body’s reaction to that kiss on her neck. “We have plenty of obstacles in our way.”

He nodded looking, not at her eyes but at the stray locks near her ear, which moved with every one of his rushed breaths, “but I’m sure that dispensing with your doubts about what this means to each other will help.” Right then, he decided not to put too much weight on this moment because it wouldn’t help. Instead he opted to take advantage of it because he suspected that his words were falling on deaf ears. So he would kiss her _and kiss her_ for as long as she’d let him and tomorrow he’d give up once she shelved away what was happening in this place.

He knew how to phrase things, this wasn’t the first time she remarked on it. She drew her head back to make sure that she was looking and focused on her, “But this doesn’t change... the inevitable conclusion of this relationship.”

He raised his eyebrows as he realized he hadn’t been that far off in his assumptions. And if he decided to go along with this then his eyes would be open to its reality, he was _a Kingsguard_ and she was _a Queen_ destined for another. “No, but we can love each other in the meantime.” he stated and from her discomfort and blush he knew how she took his words. He was amused by her assumptions and he rolled his eyes because he didn’t mean the act, _he meant their feelings._ He touched her cheek while he studied her eyes along with the implication of his words, “You know what I meant... but it bears saying it too, I have no intention of dishonoring you.” he added feeling uncomfortable as well.

In the long run he was lying though, because in his fantasies often included her letting him dishonor her _lovingly_ , but reality was a completely different matter. She would only act on her feelings inside the sanctity of a marriage and to his regret, that was the one thing he couldn’t offer her. She didn’t break their stare but he found it hard to talk and he took the chance to kiss her on the forehead, “Don’t think about it.”

“All I can do is think about it.” she said quickly trying to brush it aside but it didn’t take long to hear how her words might have sounded. _She was mortified._

Podrick felt himself blushing too and a part of him wanted to tease her asking her if she really thought about it that much _but he didn’t._ That was probably the last thing she wanted to think about. “What _do you_ think about when you kiss me?” he asked pretending that he hadn’t heard her answer. And he interrupted her before she answered, _“The truth.”_

She could lie or she could tell the truth even if she was ashamed, “The last two times... about kissing you more.”

“And right now, who is stopping you from doing precisely that?” he asked wishing to stop talking. Her eyes shone with recognition to his words. So he helped her close the space between them as he glimpsed at her leaning into him with her eyes closed.

And for the next minutes... _minutes!_... they kissed, they kissed; _they kissed quite a lot._ Slowly and gently. He was overjoyed but whenever she was feeling overwhelmed, he’d let her catch a break only to start all over again.

His eyelids were heavy with desire and he struggled to hold her gaze, “Just to warn you, from now on I plan on kissing you every day. I won’t let you back-track.” They paused to digest the words and after seconds that felt like an eternity, she nodded, “You’ve been warned.” Podrick focused back on the kisses and innocent touches that followed and he wished he could feel a sliver of happiness but he was unable to.

In truth, he was resigned to what the next day would bring him. For him, this felt like goodbye. Though the bulk of his most pessimistic thoughts had abandoned him a voice still reminded him that he couldn’t be naive enough to hope for a promising future. During one of the many breaks they took, she smiled placidly at him and though he tried to smile in kind he could only offer her a fake smile that actually hurt him.

His sad eyes and the tightness of his lips told her everything, “What’s wrong?” she asked as she straightened.

“Tomorrow, you’ll act like this never happened.” he stated opting for going with the truth.

She could see how he’d think so but she shook her head, “I won’t. Mark my words.” she said filled with conviction.

He hummed unconvinced but he nodded in agreement and so she pulled him to her, not to kiss him but to give him a hug that melted their bodies together, and their emotions too.

That night Sansa got in bed feeling excited and joyful. She couldn’t erase the smile from her face; she was finally at peace from knowing that she had made a decision regarding Podrick. She wasn’t worried for them anymore, even with Lord Cromwell’s warning or the awareness in the back of her mind of the presence of unwanted suitors, two issues she decided to avoid for as long as Podrick remained in the North.

Her joy hadn’t been diminished by thoughts about how forceful and brash he had been in the beginning or that she should have been frightened by that display since she hadn’t been. The only thing in her mind had been the feeling of closeness, the warmth, his mouth and a sense of safety in his arms.

Her mind did conjure flashes of Ramsay in the moment, but they had been easily pushed aside, she hadn’t been consumed by fear or doubt. Podrick was Podrick; the complete opposite of Ramsay, Joffrey or Littlefinger.

_Was he worth it? Absolutely._

But just as soon as she started to long for the physical closeness and kisses a great obstacle got in her way; thanks to their carelessness with his wet clothes and the cold weather, Podrick ended up with an awful cold filled with coughing and fevers. In those first days when the fevers were worse she managed to sneak into his room with weak excuses like scrolls coming in from Kings Landing with information that pertained to her and she was always accompanied by someone to witness their exchanges, which lasted only two or three minutes at most. Her visits were enough for her to check on him and to show him that she cared about his well-being, from a distance, but she cared.

She was concerned, true, but for the following days she was also selfishly hoping he would recover quickly only to hear him coughing or blowing his nose loudly to have all her yearnings disappointingly disappearing.

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Almost two weeks after the events in the Godswood, certain information reached Podrick’s ears, “...I heard that Lord Errol won’t stop back in Winterfell on his way back to White Harbor.” She only spared a glance, seemingly unbothered by his words, “Did he say something to you?” he asked.

“About what?” Podrick pointedly rolled his eyes at her and he sighed to let her know she was being impossible. Then, she mumbled for a bit as she decided to come clean with him since she didn’t know how the information had reached him, “...This is something only a few people know.” She entrusted him with one of the two incidents that occurred with Lord Errol’s retinue in the days following their arrival to The Wall; first one of his cousins got drunk and he publicly tried to convince him not to form an alliance with her without being aware that Jon was not only present but very willing to confront them and make him eat his words.

“ _Ah!_ so both families disapprove of the union.” He joked with unsuppressed self-satisfaction before chocking thanks to the fit of coughing that ended up embarrassing him.

Sansa studied him with serious eyes before lowering them once more to the scroll she had been trying to write. The subject disheartened her since Jon and she no longer had a relationship; on the scarce scrolls they had exchanged over the years Jon presented her with even less of himself than Bran. This event had been the first thing she had heard from him in almost three years and that was by other people’s accounts.

He could tell that she meant to avoid the conversation but he didn’t want her to, “What did he say about you?”

Sansa sighed, “I don’t know, I don’t care.” She heard herself replying annoyed. Without further talk she heard Podrick leaving and she immediately regretted dismissing him like that. She raised her head only to see his head appearing from behind the door again.

“We are good, right?” he asked just to push aside the doubts that suddenly came to him about things between them suddenly turning sour.

“Yes,” she reassured him, “You know how I get when I’m busy.” she saw that he was unconvinced even if he nodded.

Podrick made sure that they still were alone before speaking again, “You’re still going to kiss me when this cold is done with me, _right?_ ” seeing her smirking bashfully as she lowered her gaze to the scroll on her desk had him smiling, a smile that only grew more when a deep blush made an appearance. _“Until later, ma’am.”_ he said before leaving.

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The second incident that took place at _Castle Black_ didn’t involve Lord Errol but it did involve one of his companions, one Sansa couldn’t place because she hadn’t even been aware that a lord from _The Reach_ had been in Winterfell; a Hightower, no less, a member of the most prominent family from _The Reach_. After inquiring among her advisors she realized that it seemed like the man purposely hid his identity, which made the matter all the more intriguing.

The lord in question had been found in a compromising position with another man of the _Night’s Watch._ And it was only because of his prominent family that she even found out, because a raven from the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch reached her asking her how he should proceed in punishing the man for sodomy since he could be risking starting a riff between _The North_ and _The Reach._ So in the end, the situation was swept under the rug and it was known only to four people, the two men in question, the Lord Commander and her.

Some days later she received another scroll where _Lord Hightower_ profusely apologized for the shameful incident, which of course had been nothing more than a misunderstanding —as she very well knew since she so gracefully let it go without consequence—, and where he requested that the situation stayed between them because it obviously wouldn’t do to have his family or friends finding out about it.

In gratitude for her everlasting discretion he said he was sure there was something he could do for _The North_ in his house and region’s name. That’s how the perfect opportunity fell on Sansa’s lap. She had no issue writing to the man about the North’s hardship to pay the increased tax that _The Reach_ had announced a few weeks prior.

The response was quick to come, from _White Harbor_ even, and on it the man told her that he had been thinking or restocking the grains that the snow storm had surly destroyed. But he would see how he could help with her request, that he couldn’t fight against the new tariff but he might be able to reduce it and that she should wait to hear from him but that she should give him some time because it was a significant request.

Of course, she didn’t tell anyone about this, not even her council. Mostly because she didn’t think much would come of this other than a moderate reduction in tariffs in the best of cases, and in the worst, the man would forget all about his indiscretion in _The North._ Since it was best to strike while the iron was hot, she wrote back saying that she had already written to her Ambassador in _King’s Landing_ telling him to contact him to work together on behalf on _The north._

She also pardoned the man of the watch that had been involved in the shameful incident, not so much because of her forgiving nature or her understanding about private matters that she could barely even conceive, but to be just, and most importantly, because in the future she may need his testimony along with the Lord Commander’s and the scrolls from Lord Hightower would also serve as proof, even if he hadn’t been foolish enough to sign them with his name.

His mistaking had been to express his gratitude and requesting her everlasting discretion.

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In regards to Lord Cromwell, she knew the man wasn’t a fool but given Podrick’s ailment, there had been no chance for another encounter, other than the odd conversation or meal, of which the lord was certainly aware, but since he had not reports on them spending more time together, he was probably reassured that she was following his advice.

A few days later Sansa was still chuckling over some sardonic comment Lord Cromwell had made when Podrick enter the room looking completely recovered. He waited before the Lord was out of hearing range before speaking, “Smiling suits you quite a lot, Ma’am. Your entire face and the room glow.” he said brazenly when he saw that the smile started to falter.

The multitude of feelings she had for him had started to mix with yearning and regret by then, regret from wasting so much time, for not having even looked his way when she was younger, regret from knowing this would end... _But for now,_ “...Yes, several people have told me that they’ve seen an improvement on my mood in the past year.”

Podrick smiled, reading between the lines what she meant to let him know. Seeing the invitation in her words, he approached her desk, “Well, you’re face is too pretty to scrunch it up so much.” She rolled her eyes at him but he saw how the corners of her mouth turned up some as her cheeks reddened.

_“That’s enough of that, Podrick.”_

“Your orders, ma’am?”

She looked to the open door knowing this was a mistake, “Kiss me.”

His eyes widened since he hadn’t expected that so bluntly but he wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He tried to downplay his excitement by calmly making his way around the desk until he reached the seat where she was waiting for him and smiling bashfully. He held her face with both hands and he lowered his face to kiss her softly for a long while.

They heard _Snow’s_ heavy movements and grunts and they smiled.

After a long moment Sansa broke the kiss to look at the direwolf and Podrick took the opportunity to kiss her cheek repeatedly. Then he straightened up and boldly sat on the edge of her desk as he took her hand. He also looked at the vigilant direwolf who decided to lie down again. “A good surprise, Ma’am,” he whispered before swallowing, “but I don’t think that’s why you had me called here...”

“No,” Sansa cleared her throat, “That was a moment of weakness.”

Podrick kissed her hand, her arm, her shoulder and her cheek again, “I’m not against you having more of those.”

She remarked on how familiar he was with her lately, how much more confident he seemed about where they stood, “It seems to me I’ve had plenty of those in the past year.”

_“Plenty?!”_ he mockingly whined, “three, four kissing incidents in a year...” he said teasingly before leaning in again, “Let me show you _plenty._ ”

She was still in the middle of gasping at his suggestion when she found herself lost again in a slow, long kiss. They weren’t aware of much else as they kept kissing in between more whispers and jests.

They were in their own world.

“A kiss per day, remember.” she nodded while she licked her lips, which had him smiling and pushing him closer again, “Of course, if you want more, you just let me now.” The manner in which she kissed him back afterwards reassured him that this would become an everyday occurrence and he was happy to oblige.

They were taking a break with him caressing and kissing her hand when they hear the thump of a cane approaching and before she even tried to push him away, he was already standing swiftly in front of her desk. She stood as well taking a scroll and walking over to open the window so that the lord wouldn’t be able to tell she was... hot and bothered.

“... _Your orders, ma’am?”_ Podrick reminded her that there was a reason why she called on him.

Sansa couldn’t recall and she looked to _Snow,_ who was looking at her as though he was questioning her actions, “It’s not part of your job but I would like you to supervise the second shipment of provisions to _Last Hearth_ and the nearby villages. I’d like you to be on the lookout. It’s suspicious that the last shipment was spent so fast.” _Last Hearth_ had been hit hardest by the storm and it was obvious that they would need help but they had run out of three weeks supplies in only two weeks. _The North_ wouldn't stand for wastefulness or corruption.

He was only half surprised by her request because so often she would send him on errands that he had no problem undertaking, “Of course. When do I leave and for how long will I be gone?” after all, his outings usually lasted for a morning or afternoon, never entire days, but _Last Hearth_ was a long ways from Winterfell.

“Tomorrow morning. Four days tops.”

No, he didn’t like the idea of being away from her for those four days, not because of the turn in their relationship but because of her safety, though they both knew he was no longer needed as a glorified guard. “I’ll leave word that whatever scroll I receive from King’s Landing be given to you.”

Lord Harry came in a second later and Sansa gestured at Podrick to leave them. “We’ll finish talking about the details of your outing later; remember that I wish to have supper with you tonight.”

Podrick bowed trying to hide a mischievous grin; he knew she saved that part for last only to annoy the lord. _“It’ll be my pleasure.”_  
  



	14. Chapter 14

A kiss every day was their new routine.

It was usually a short one; a peck hello or goodbye that they could enjoy in a rush; stolen kisses, not from each other but from time. But sometimes they managed to get longer lasting kisses, and it was only very few occasions when they found the time or the place for kisses that would leave them breathless.

They put it on hold when it was time for the Quarterly meetings since there were too many people in the castle and Sansa was already feeling watched by Winterfell’s inhabitants; she felt like they judged her, like they were aware of her furtive encounters with Podrick. So _they remained overly conscious and felt that they shouldn’t risk it near the lords._

Podrick had known there were rumors about them around the castle even before they started kissing every day but he never mentioned to her that there were certain characters that were suspicious of them. The only thing Podrick knew without a doubt was that the workers and the inhabitants of the castle were loyal to their Queen because there were no rumors on the outside.

At the moment, they were hiding in a random room and Sansa was still secretly impressed by how a single short kiss was no longer enough for them and they kept trying to prolong the sensations. She both enjoyed those moments and she felt anxious about them once they had passed. 

They had been meeting in private for weeks but it was only then that Podrick leaned in to touch his nose to her cheek before lowering his face to her neck without touching it, he just breathed on her making her shiver; she smelled like rose water and a soft musk. _It smelled like her._

The sensation that went through her had become more familiar by now but she couldn’t say she was completely used to it; she felt chills go through her along with a tickling sensation on her back that she couldn’t quite describe. _A delightful tickling._ His rushed breathing felt warm on her neck. 

Figuring that she’d soon be pushing him away, he left a peck on the place where her jaw and neck met that had her tensing, “Let me,” he whispered, “you won’t know what you’re missing unless you let me show you,” and since he got no reply he searched her face only to find all the imaginable shades of red on it. The twinkle in her eye elicited a grin.

Sansa practically gulped, _“the problem is that it feels too good.” That really was the only argument she had against him continuing._

Podrick straightened a bit chuckling at her predicament, “I could make you feel even better if you let me.” He said as he wagged his eyebrows, which had her feeling even more embarrassed and turning a shade of bright red even if while she shook her head in attempt to seem nonchalant, _though, knowing that she wasn’t he loosened a bit his hold on her_. “But seriously, that’s the idea, to make you feel good.” he moved his hands over her back, over the thick corset, “I promise I’ll be careful, I won’t leave any marks. And I’ll stop when you tell me to.” He looked at her knit brows as he waited for an answer.

Suspicion struck her then and she was embarrassed to ask but she decided to do it, “Marks? Do you mean bruises?”

Podrick nodded dumbly, too mesmerized by the moment to really process her question.

“There can be marks when you’re careful?” Ramsay had left marks on her and he certainly hadn’t been careful, and she knew Podrick and that’s what seemed odd to her, _could there be bruises even if he wasn’t being vicious?_

The hesitancy in her tone, _the reminder of her past_ , took him out of his daze and he immediately squeezed her hand comfortingly as he tried to find the words to address her lack of experience, _good experience_ , “... Only if it gets too intense and intense doesn’t have to be vicious, you’ll see... hmm... I don’t mean _you’ll see_ like you’ll be comparing. I…” He had to pause to rephrase it to be clearer and not just let the words out as they came to him. He also tried to avoid saying he was sorry for her and the bad experiences of her past, he thought his words would sound empty in that moment _even if they weren’t_ , “I didn’t mean that, Ma’am,” he let out a frustrated breath, _“I just...”_

He was flushed and averting her eyes but Sansa understood what he meant, “I know, Podrick.” was her simple response, unwilling to talk about it too and wanting to brush aside what had just happened, “I just wondered.” he nodded repeatedly and she pulled her hand away but only to touch his chin. The peaceful moment they had been enjoying was gone and she didn’t want that so just to try and recover it she leaned in to kiss him again. She felt his lower lip trembling against hers and she could tell he was hesitant to continue.

When he started kissing her back he kept his eyes open for a few seconds to see if what they just discussed weighted on her and suddenly she opened her eyes and was surprised to see him looking at her so she pulled back. Podrick struggled to find words for a second, “I just wanted to make sure that you were fine.”

“I am.” she replied a little amused by his carefulness.

He mirrored her tentative smile and he returned her kiss before speaking again, “We don’t have to stay here; if you want we can go for a walk outside.”

_They could take a walk at any time, but not do this_ _,_ she thought with some amount of shame as she leaned in to kiss him again.

Since she didn’t take him up on his offer they carried on getting lost in the sensations and each other. Doing this was only becoming easier and easier.

_Time could go to hell._

_She had never imagined that kissing like this could feel so good_ _, she thought,_ not for the first time. And during one of those breaks they took to regain some air she was left looking at him as she weighted her own doubts and the kind of touches they had discussed; _Wasn’t she curious about how much better a kiss on her neck could feel as opposed to a quick peck or his heavy breathing? Was that even true?_ _“_ Be gentle.” _And, since Ramsay had just been in her mind, would that ruin the moment with Podrick?_ She was curious about that too even if she found it hard to admit it to herself.

Podrick shifted his weight from one leg to the other still hesitant but he acted anyway; he slowly bowed to leave a kiss on her cheek, then another one close to her ear as he made a slow path to her neck kissing it first with three chaste pecks and then he stayed there opening his lips slightly and slowly using them to suck on her skin, mindful not to overdo it, as she shivered in his arms. He softly sucked one, two, three times before his tongue darted out.

Sansa couldn’t compare it to anything she had felt before. Her eyes were closed and her breathing heavy, she felt her face burning and her heart racing while her body was overly awake; she felt herself holding him tighter to her, her chest was rubbing against his as she panted and she knew she should stop him but she pulled him closer instead.

It seemed to him that she was quite receptive but he opted for not saying anything lest he’d embarrass her. He could tell that she was studying the sensation as she squeezed him tighter to encourage him instead of stopping him. _No one had touched her like that before._ He drew away for a second, they locked eyes before he proceeded to do as he intended; changing sides and doing exactly the same to discover where she was most sensitive —her left side, it seemed— and he latched on to the spot to worship it with his tongue. The sounds she was making and the way she was moving only encouraged him.

Her hands debated on whether to try to push him away, and she was finding she preferred this, letting him continue. Not a single part of her wished he would stop until suddenly she jolted and she let out a _sharp_ moan in response to him softly nipping on her neck. Hearing him chuckling against her ear prompted a low groan as she pushed him slightly off her.

Podrick let out an elated laugh as her moan kept echoing through the room; he knew he was going to get chastised because of it but for now she only put her forehead on his shoulder hugging him as she recovered her breath. He kissed her head a few times, _“Is everything alright, Ma’am?” he whispered and she nodded._ About two minutes went by before she was able to face him again. “I take it that you liked it...” he said failing to remain serious.

She wasn’t about to show him how embarrassed she was about what had just happened, _“_ _Oh, now you’re a seer too?_ _”_ and she made him laugh with her rebuttal.

After the mirth had passed Podrick answered her, “Well there are times when there’s no need to be a seer.”

They stared at each other as she ran her nails on his neck making him shudder and it was then that curiosity stroke her, “Do men also liked to be kissed on the neck like that?”

His heart set off at the question, as did his loins, and he had to pull his hips away subtly to make sure she wouldn’t notice his reaction. He shrugged in response to her question acting as though nothing had changed, _“I can’t speak for all men.”_

She rolled her eyes impatiently, “I meant you.”

Podrick had to smirk, “You can find out yourself, if you’d like.”

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“It’s complicated.” Sansa admitted, “Your King is my brother in body but... inside, he’s not the boy I grew up with. He was someone else the second time he crossed The Wall. _He’s_ _the Three-Eyed-Raven_ _, as he told me once.”_

Podrick swallowed nervously; they almost never discussed _the King_ in this manner and he knew it affected her, even if she hadn’t shown him how much before. “But Bran Stark must be in there somewhere, otherwise why send me to help you? Why grant _the North_ its independence when he could have refused?”

“He knew the North deserved its independent...” and her brother didn’t have an army that answered to him since he was so newly appointed. _The army answered to her_. Not that they would go against each other in another devastating war. _It wasn’t in her_ o _r him for that matter..._ Sansa was still haunted by the thought that he had known what Daenerys would do in _King’s Landing_ and that he just let it play out to end up in the Throne. _The Bran she knew would never do that_ _but_ _she didn’t know the_ _Three-Eyed Raven_ _and she doubted anyone ever could_ _._ “I truly wish that there is something of my brother in him but I had to come to terms with that idea that there isn’t long ago.”

Podrick nodded as he listened and studied her, he could tell she was distressed by her feelings towards King Bran. “And your brother Jon, Ma’am?” The question had her letting out something of a derisive laugh while her eyes got teary.

“Oh, Podrick. We should better speak of something else.” She stood deciding she was done with meal, “The night is too lovely to ruin it.”

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Some other day they met in some random parlor meant for entertaining visits and when they were catching their breath Podrick decided to take advantage of the moment and of his confidence to whisper in her ear all the sweet nothings that he could come up with _but which he wouldn’t normally say to her._ Not that telling her those things did much good but at least he was able to get them out.

Hearing him say that he was enamored with her and that he adored her made her feel like...well, it both thrilled and disappointed her

_And this wasn’t like her, not just the part that was sneaking with a man to kiss but the part that held such a soft spot for him._

Minutes later they found themselves enjoying the afternoon air during their walk to the Weirwood tree, acting like the time they had just spent together hadn’t just happened. She was quieter than usual and since he was used to her comfortable silences, Podrick could tell this wasn’t one. He knew that his words, said in a moment of weakness, had unsettled her, “Take it as me being a romantic if you like. I’m just repeating what the songs say.”

Sansa hummed, _it was amazing that he knew her well enough to seemingly read her mind_ , “It’s just that adoration sounds innocent.” She smiled at him placidly with a soft blush, “You’re so open. _Open in a way I no longer am_.”

Podrick nodded as he took in her affectionate smile, “You can be open with me, I promise I won’t tell people.” he whispered and though, she rolled her eyes her smile grew broader as she looked away. Podrick licked his lips, “have I told you how special it is to see you as the magnificent, strong woman that you show the world but also knowing that that cold aloofness is absent when it comes to me... it makes me feel things, knowing that somehow I hold a part of your heart...” It was impossible not to blush as he said those things and he tried to focus on the road ahead rather than on her, “It feels so good that in my moments of weakness I think and say silly things.” He looked at her with a smile while she remained serious, “Don’t make a big deal of it,” he tried to joke to lighten up the moment, “just be thankful I’m sober. Can you imagine the things I’d say if I were drunk? I’d be declaring my love and loyalty to my Queen to anyone who’d hear me. I’d be committing treason all over Winterfell.”

_“That’s not so hard to imagine now that I gotten to know you better.”_ she said and then, failing to conceal the fleeting thought that his words conjured, she asked with some self-satisfaction, _“Your Queen?”_

_“My Queen.”_ he stated, “... You know you are... at least until my stay here in the North is over.” If Lord Royce could practically shout it to the rooftops then _why wouldn’t_ _he_ _admit it to her?_

“Then I’ll admit you’re my favorite Guard,” when she saw him about to retort she continued playfully, “and Ambassador, too.”

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Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry were visiting the Storm Lands as her emissaries for the wedding of Gendry Baratheon to a young lady from one of the most prominent families of the region.

“You have to understand, My Lords and Ladies, weddings bring up bad memories for her.” Lord Cromwell declared at the feast that night, to a table full of foreign lords.

_“The Red Wedding,”_ Lord Harry added shaking his head to bring the people’s attention to that event rather than on her _own disastrous marriages._

“Her betrothal to King Joffrey Baratheon, her marriage to Tyrion Lannister, ...To Ramsay Bolton.” said Lord Caron with a disgruntled tone. “...what people whispered about her and Lord Baelish.”

“She was a young woman with no control over her fate. She did what they forced her to do; she had no choice. _She had to survive_.” Lord Royce exclaimed from the other end of the table after hearing the conversation and feeling he had to speak up for her. “My Lords, I will ask you all to refrain from that kind of talk about the Queen in my presence since you either don’t know or don’t understand the circumstances.”

_“The only thing I know and understand is that anyone who gets involved with her ends up dead even if she doesn’t do the deed herself. She’s cursed.”_

_“Cursed or blessed in vengeance?_ _”_ Lady Barbrey asked at the same time as Lord Cromwell reminded everyone that Lord Tyrion was still alive.

“The only thing I know is that she’ll show up to her own wedding in the future.” Lord Crane made a crack that had half of the table laughing, _“_ _...It’s no secret that she’s only trying to delay the inevitable”_

“And can you blame her, my Lords?” Lady Barbrey asked again, making herself be heard, “We all know the type of _men_ we’re talking about.”

Lady Wylla wanted to kick herself for what she was about to say, _“My Queen has never had the chance to choose.”_

_“And now she has the chance but she doesn’t.”_ Lord Osgrey added.

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“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”

_There were so many things_ , Podrick thought as he smiled, “When I was little, I used to stutter when I was nervous.” The confession caused a frown, like she couldn’t believe him, which made him smile wider before tilting his cup in her direction, “Your turn, Ma’am.”

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When it came to dealing with _The Reach,_ Sansa kept correspondence with Lord Hightower and her own ambassador reassured her that the Lord was trying hard to lower their tariffs to trade goods.

_Lord Hightower admitted that he was lying to his family about the friendship between them and about the economic relationships that he wanted to deepen with the North, he said that this way was the best to wind them over_ _but that she shouldn’t get her hopes too high._ In the best case scenario, the tariffs would go down for a couple of years and then they would be increased again. Worst case scenario, he would get her a ten percent discount for the present year. _That was the best he could do._

Sansa demanded that he should try harder in a rather ungrateful tone.

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Podrick shrugged, “They said she died in Essos right after she arrived there.”

Lord Cromwell noticed how his easy-going demeanor changed when they talked about the subject, “and you believed them?”

“I’m aware that they may have tied to play me for a fool, my lord. I’m not stupid. That’s probably what happened.” Podrick admitted, “It’s something I’ll never know for sure. But at least I did something to try to find her.” _Even when it was she who had abandoned him._

Lord Cromwell looked at the Queen, who had also been listening to the story, though he wondered if for the first time. “Ser Podrick, I know about men who could make a more honest effort to try to find your mother.” he offered.

Podrick bushed, “Actually, My Lord, That’s something I’ve put behind me,” he admitted. He also admitted what Lord Tyrion had told him: if his mother was somewhere in _Essos_ having a hard time, or even in _Westeros,_ it would only take hearing about his good fortune to show up again. _And maybe, to show her true colors. She had abandoned him when he was a child, it’s not like he expected much from her as an adult.._ _._ he just wanted some closure since she hadn’t given him one. “If, you’ll excuse me...” he said before standing and leaving.

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One evening they were keeping each other company in the library; she was writing scrolls while he read some books that Lord Cromwell had recommended. After exchanging a few words, they shared a complicit look and suddenly, realization hit Sansa and she was unable to keep her eyes locked on his.

Podrick noticed the subtle change in her demeanor, “What?” he asked surprised and she shook her head trying to downplay what had crossed her mind just then but he wasn’t convinced, “No, Ma’am, tell me, what is it?”

She exhaled and she looked at him quickly before averting her eyes once again, _“...Your eyes... they are not like theirs._ _”_ she was admitting to something she hadn’t realized before.

Podrick sat straighter as he tensed up because they always avoided the subject of her past and he was skittish about bringing it up so he nodded stupidly as he searched for words, _“Are they kind?”_ he decided to ask at last and she replied with a nod.

“I meant to say...they’re brown, but yes, they’re also kind.” his answering smile was cordial but feigned a careful.

.

.

.

“At some point, you will have to marry,” Lord Cromwell said when they were alone. _They both knew the reason for his words._

“I know, Lord Cromwell, but for my peace of mind I’ll need something better than...the highest bidder.” _Lord Harry’s words from over a year ago._

He studied her closely, “A love marriage is a luxury very few people can afford.”

She blushed despite herself, she was embarrassed because although she had been changed by her time with Podrick, she knew too well what her duty was, _as a woman she had known it all her life,_ “I’m not naive, rest assured that I know a love marriage is not in the cards for me.” She noticed that the man was making too much of her words, “I’m just saying that my husband will be someone I choose, not any of you.” She no longer believed in unrealistic romance. To an extent, she didn’t believe in fairy-tale love but she did think she could settle for a relationship where there was respect and affection; Podrick had showed her that with what they were experiencing... It was only that with Podrick there was more than just respect and affection.

“...Please, _once and for all_ , tell me that after everything we’ve discussed you’re not considering _Ser Podrick Payne_...” he couldn't help the whiny tone “There’s nothing to consider there, My Queen”. He respected him as a person, he was one of the most honest and humble people he knew but he didn’t amount to the bare minimum requirements as not to be shunned by the lords.

Sansa took a deep breath, _she didn’t need more ideas in her head._ The fact that these thoughts had crossed her mind already — _though, not seriously_ — was counterproductive.

Not that there was too much to think about, really; even if she wanted to go above her lords and subjects, the problem remained that Podrick was a Kingsguard and he had made a life-long oath to serve the King. Sansa knew what honor meant for a respectable man like him and she wouldn't ask him to break his vows. His life was in the south, not by her side. And that was on his part. On her part, she understood that she needed an alliance that would benefit the _North_ , which that was something that Podrick couldn’t provide. _She was not going to risk losing her crown on a whim,_ “Do not worry, Lord Cromwell, that’s not what I meant, this business with Podrick is finished.”

_“How?”_ he asked in disbelief, lately she had been sharing even more of her time with the Knight. 

“...I do listen to your advice.” She finally said.

He offered a skeptic smile since he knew her prone to playing with words to get what she wanted, “One thing is to listen, another one to consider them and quite another one to take them.”

“And who’s to say I haven’t done all three?”

_Reason_. Still, Lord Cromwell regarded her for a few moments before letting out a long exhale to show that her words appeased him.

“I _am_ aware that the game is stacked against me and Podrick,” she added bitterly and derisively intending to make the Lord uncomfortable despite knowing that he didn’t mean her pain personally, _she was just defensive about this._ That’s when they noticed Lord Harry walking towards them, “Lord Cromwell, don’t worry, I’ll fulfill my duty, marriage and heirs, _when I’m ready, but most importantly with whomever I choose._ ”

“You’ll choose wisely, Ma’am, _I know_.” Lord Cromwell bowed to her knowing that last part was to antagonize Lord Harry.

Lord Harry saw her turning to leave as Lord Cromwell shook his head at him, “Lord Errol and Lord Hillman are still your best options, and we have noticed that you keep correspondence with Lord Hightower.” He felt Lord Cromwell’s hand on his arm to stop him from talking more, and from following her. He saw her stopping for a second as though waiting for him to continue, but since he didn’t, she just went on her way without even looking back at him.

Lord Cromwell waited until the Queen was out of earshot before speaking, “You mustn't push a woman too far, believe me.”

Lord Harry pulled his arm away, “ _Whose side are you on?_ The realm needs an heir and at this pace, once she decides to do her duty, it’ll be too late.”

“There’s still time. Our Queen has put the realm... and her family before her own wishes before and she will continue doing so. _She knows what her duty is and she will fulfill it.”_

Lord Harry was annoyed at how acquiescent Lord Cromwell was with the Queen, “I know you don’t believe my suspicions about her and Ser Podrick but _believe me_ , they’re a mess that needs cleaning.”

Cromwell considered the lord and he found his abrasiveness distasteful; an abrasiveness that, if push came to shove, could end with her dismissing him as an advisor, which would be a shame because Lord Harry was a good advisor. “The Queen is a lady. She knows how to behave.”

_“Until he convinces her to misbehave...”_

_Still, he wasn’t about to refute the man since there was a possibility for everything even if he thought it was unlikely._ _He knew the Queen, the ghosts of her past and the wounds in her soul;, wounds that according to her maesters still haunted her and which she herself had confessed to him were there, “You sound bitter, my friend.” he clapped the man’s shoulder, “That’s not like our Queen.”_

_“But it is like Ser Podrick.”_

“Don’t you worry about Ser Podrick...” he looked at him hesitant to reveal to him what he was about to say, “... Between the two of us... a little bird told me that he will be called back to _Kings Landing_ soon.”

That was the only day in weeks when Sansa didn’t meet up with Podrick in private and he could tell that there was something in her mind because he asked her what was wrong and she dismissed him with a ridiculous excuse that he knew to be a lie.

_._

.

.

The next day Podrick was still ruminating on what new obstacle she was about to use as an excuse to put an end to their... meetings, but that was not what happened. She threw him a single look conveying her availability and a smiling Podrick complimented her only to reveal to him, with her reaction, how the growing affection between them was reciprocated.

_...It wasn’t only his feelings for her that were growing._

.

.

.

During their following encounters Podrick kept trying to be more mindful, to not let himself get carried away, to think less about his own needs and to be present with her in that bubble where the conversation, silly jests and the laughter between them was enough. He knew she still had reservations and he used the knowledge to stop his hands from wandering too much and cross the line of what was appropriate. _But with each passing day, it became increasingly harder to stop._

.

.

.

Not for the first time, Podrick awoke suddenly in the middle of the night feeling excited and he had to take a deep breath before sliding his hand to his crotch to find what would be the reason for his sleepless night.

A part of him wanted more from her, more kisses, more touching, more temptation, while another part of him didn’t because now he could see himself breaking his vows if she asked him to. But then, she would avoid longer and more passionate kisses; during their latest encounters she would even grab his hands to stop him if he tried to go further. It was the same if she felt him getting _too close._

More than once he had wanted to kiss her more deeply, to seek her tongue with his and incite her to play with his _when normally he didn’t even like kissing like that._ He just wanted to see how she’d react; _who knew? Maybe she would even enjoy it._ He was hesitant to do so, he knew —or he assumed— that she wasn’t ready for that, he needed only to join all the dots to understand that she was afraid of that kind of intimacy and therefore she would never ask him to break his oath.

_So there was nothing for him to worry._

_It would all remain in his imagination. In his fantasies._

He closed his eyes imagining her entering his room right then, taking off her cloak and getting in bed with him. He didn’t need more. Just to have her by his side, to kiss and caress her. He’d be happy just kissing her and caressing her. _Liar!_ , he chided himself a second later before deciding to indulged in what he really wanted to do to her.

He licked his lips as he conjured the memory of her in a simple wet and translucent sleeping robe, the sight of the heavy curve of her breasts... he envisioned her letting him rid her of that robe, letting him show her what intimacy was really about, he dreamed about her reaction, her surprise at being touched with love for the first time. At being treated with the reverence she deserved. _He would be so careful if only the chance presented itself._ Instead of feeling excited, however, he suddenly felt a weigh on his chest as he thought about everything she had to have been through to mistrust even someone who worshipped her.

His need suddenly and completely disappeared and he tried to push those thoughts away.

He turned on his belly but his tormenting thoughts and anguish on her behalf left him sleepless for half an hour.

He decided to pursue a more realist line of thought; even if she hadn’t gone through so much pain in her marriage —and although plenty of unflattering things were said about her— she had never given him or anyone else the impression that she would act in an unladylike manner… he thought that by now he knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t betray tradition or to act unlike the person her parents had raised her to be, to engage in premarital relations with him or anyone else, even if love was involved.

_Did he love her?_ There was affection between them and lightness in the way they were acting, but it wasn’t love. She had made that pretty clear when she told him that she never wanted to marry again. That she didn’t believe in love, not the kind that songs and stories spoke of.

But he did believe in love and he felt like he was living in one of those stories and he couldn’t stop himself from feeling like he was in too deep and fearing the depth of his affection for her, affection that he knew could very well turn to love if she let him.

_“I’m screwed.”_ he whispered to himself.

The next morning, he woke up feeling uncomfortable again, _“Damn it!”_ Podrick cursed… _another erection._ At least when it happened around her he could hide it under all the heavy clothes and coats because, had she noticed it... _well, he could imagine her running in the opposite direction and putting a definite end to their illicit meetings._

.

.

.

Once she entered her room and took off the cloak, Sansa started getting rid of the front laces and hooks that kept her dress in place and not for the first time she _fleetingly imagined Podrick’s fingers working on them_ , a thought that made her blush. _She shouldn’t be thinking those things_ _but as_ the maid behind her lifted the dress to help her take it off, she abruptly made contact with that spot between Sansa’s neck and her shoulder thus triggering _the memory of his lips there_ , making her shiver.

She felt that lately things were escalating too fast between them only to remember, or to have him remind her, that three or four kisses in a year weren’t that many and that they were only making up for lost time.

_And quite eagerly, it seemed._

Things were progressing between them; that evening alone, his kisses had unexpectedly traveled from her neck, to her shoulder, to her collarbone and then they had dip a few inches below making her pant.

Instead of an external bodice, she had been wearing a more flimsy, softer one and he wasted no time to kiss her chest, right over the corset line, which was rather low. When he realized she had been struck speechless he didn’t stop; instead, he left several more kisses in that same place, putting more and more pressure on the heavy cloth to make her feel his lips and his warm breath.

Now, in the safety and privacy of her room, a part of her wished that he had continued in his pursuit, that he had made direct contact with her skin. But now, just as in the moment it almost came to happen, she was frightened. _And he noticed._

Slowly, Podrick rose to embrace her loosely and they stared into each other eyes for an endless moment _and she could see it_ in his eyes, _“I’m sorry I got carried away.” he whispered apologetically, and he waited until she nodded,_ “Are you alright?”

Sansa had babbled something then, _s_ _he had been so confused_ _,_ she yearned for his kisses, his touch, his attention, but she couldn’t bring herself to go further, _whether it was because of her past of because of who she was,_ “I don’t know.” she admitted.

Podrick nodded a second later, worriedly. Truth was, he had been trying his luck and they knew it, _there was nothing more to say_ , “I’d never go further without your consent. Believe me.”

As she changed into her nightshift, Sansa stared at her maid while she put away the dress. And then she was left alone.

She couldn’t stop all her instincts from being on high alert. She found that a part of her wanted him as far from _Winterfell,_ from _the North_ , as possible. She didn’t know what could transpire if they keep meeting alone like that. She knew that he wouldn’t act against her wishes but that wasn’t the problem... _she suspected that there wasn’t a lot that she wouldn’t acquiesce to despite being frightened deep inside_ _._

_There were very few things that her instincts didn’t know much about but love and desire were two of them._

_She was starting to suspect that she desired him and that her heart was opening to him in a deeper manner._

_But she was a Lady. Her mother had raised her to be one, her Septas too. it was unthinkable to let herself be besmirched out of wedlock; she had always silently passed judgment on women who did; even when she found out about Arya and Gendry Baratheon knowing that she had no say in their lives. But now she thought she understood what it was that led women to set their honor aside._

She knew that there were some aspects of intimacy that felt good to women in the right circumstances but that had been useless talk that hadn’t personally meant anything to her because before —and especially after Ramsay— she never came to think in terms of desire or pleasure. But now... all those new sensations that Podrick elicited in her mind, body and soul were overwhelming.

In her past, when Ramsay forced himself on her, she had been somewhat wet between her legs; it had angered him and he used it to humiliate her, telling her that in the end she enjoyed how he treated her. She hadn’t understood what he meant by that until one of the maesters discreetly informed her that the wetness between her legs was normal and that it was something her body did to protect itself and it was long after that revelation she came to realize that it was him who fed her moon tea without her knowing about it.

Recently, the wetness was making an appearance and she hadn’t been too quick to realize that it normally came after she spent time alone with Podrick. And with each day it seemed to come faster and more abundantly after any kiss and caress; and _especially_ after he kissed her neck.

Twice she had woken up from dreams of slow, endless kisses shared with him, of hands softly touching skin and her feeling something indescribable in her lower abdomen, a pleasurable sensation between her legs and an explosion that awoke her... but she wasn’t comfortable enough to ask _him or anyone else_ what was happening.

She only knew that somehow, _this new wetness that Podrick unwittingly caused in her_ meant desire and pleasure.

_And he desired her too._ She had seen it marked on his clothes a few times, she had felt it by accident too once but they never acknowledged it.

_What was most important was that his body’s reaction hadn’t scared her. She had been befuddled, yes, but not scared. And she even felt some pleasure from knowing, or suspecting, about his reaction to her._

Presently, she couldn’t deny that in a couple of occasions she had entertained the thought of what he would do if she asked him to break his vows; _she hadn’t considered it seriously but the idea had started to solidify in her mind._

_But it wasn’t like they would get to that point._

.

.

.

There was that one night that, influenced by the mix of desire and curiosity, Podrick let himself get carried away and his tongue acted on its own accord by slipping between her lips and making contact with hers, which made Sansa reel back in surprise and give him a look that demanded an explanation.

“Don’t you want to know about other kinds of kisses?” he asked as he licked his lips and her eyes fixed on them.

“Is that how people normally kiss?” _Ramsay had tried that with her a couple of times but..._ _She decided to stray from those memories, Podrick wasn’t Ramsay. Not in the slightest._ She still felt hot from the blush across her face and from her own excitement provoked by their kisses before _that._

The moment was broken by the peck he placed on her head, a thoroughly tender gesture that had her tensing up as they both shared a thought that it was out of pity from her lack of familiarity with these things. _“No, not normally.” He only kissed like that when he was certain a woman liked it._ Then, he found himself mumbling, “I... I’d like to share kisses like that with you.” and it was true that he didn’t use to kiss like that but... _hmmmm_ , the mere thought of her kissing him like that, slowly, softly and long... he suspected he’d be making a mess in his pants.

Even before asking she knew she wouldn’t be comfortable with the answer, _“Why?”_

He blinked, still unused to verbalizing explanations to her curiosity, since in practice it would be quite different... “...It’s more exciting that a normal kiss.”

_“More exciting?” she asked in disbelief, she’d think that was impossible._

He nodded, licking his lips again, “It’s the most intimate kiss there is.” _Well, the second most intimate one,_ his mind argued as he looked at her pensive reaction, knowing instinctively that she wouldn’t be convinced, _“maybe some other time?”_ he asked in the same playful tone, “Just remember, you can’t judge until you try it.”

_There was truth in that,_ “... first I’m going to think about your words.”

Podrick tried to keep from teasing her but it was hard not to _,_ _“An excellent decision, Ma’am.”_

Sansa didn’t like it when he teased her, it made her vulnerable about the things she still ignored and still, she couldn’t help herself, “So, what other kind of kisses are there?” A groan from deep in his chest was his answer. That was a sound she had come to appreciate and her body reacted accordingly... just as it had been doing lately and this time her blush appeared from the feel of the wetness flowing fast.

“...That one is...basically...the most passionate one.” he decided to answer, “And you’re not ready for this conversation, _trust me_.”

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.

.

Sansa studied the woman as she gave her that lopsided smile, a mocking, spiteful slime, a smile that spoke of things she didn’t know about.

“So now the little dove wants to use her best weapon… _whatever for? Love? Curiosity?”_

Then Cersei let out a cackle. One intended to make Sansa uneasy.

“You are still perfect even after everything, _aren’t you?_ _”_ She took several sips of wine from her cup. “It’s a shame you don’t know how to use the weapon you have between your legs. Men would die for your beauty. They’d kill for you _…_ _And you’ll settle for some Knight? Do you know how far you could get if you decided to wield it? What it would mean to have men eating from your palm as you advance your cause, regardless of what your cause is?”_

Sansa didn’t want to listen to her anymore so she looked around for an escape.

_“...Although, if you want to learn how to wield it, who better to teach you than your Knight? I heard he’s skillful, maybe even too much. He will do_ _. …_ Jaime was good too; he learned how to make me enjoy myself. We both learned a lot. And he also taught me what I would need to do with other men when the occasion called for it.”

Sansa woke up feeling lost and confused for a moment before feeling mortified at the recollection of her dream.

.

. 

.

Podrick’s departure was impending and it could come at any time so that is why the letter from _King’s Landing_ ordering him to return immediately didn’t come as a complete surprise; his presence as a guard was necessary for the upcoming first _official_ negotiations with _Dorne_ and _the Reach._

But although it was expected, it took him a few minutes to recover from his stupefaction. The idea of returning south had him tremendously disappointed and disillusioned because of her and all the progress they had made... because of all the feelings that were at stake.

_Why couldn’t that damn latter have reached him five months ago? Before things between them went too far..._

It actually took him hours, _hours!_ to get his disappointment under control; hours and a horse-ride out of the castle and into the cold as he tried to let wind hit him to bring him to terms with what he already knew; _in the end his departure was for the best even if he no longer wanted to leave. With time he would get used to being in the South again._

“…We knew this was coming...” Sansa stated when he showed her the letter. She couldn’t help feeling disappointment and melancholic about him leaving. _Part of her had wished for it but she had also been dreading his departure. The idea of going back to her loneliness wasn’t appealing, but what was life except getting used to things? Besides, he had been an exception in her life, not the rule._

_Podrick had honestly expected her to show more shock or distress_. “It was a good year and a half,” he stated before correcting himself, “excluding the attack, of course.”

“Yes. It was a good year, Podrick.” She looked at him on a sigh filled with regret for all the time wasted as _the letter was slowly but surely taking hold of her emotions_ ; her sorrow felt different from what she had imagined his departure would feel like, _it was a fact now._ She was aware that she wasn’t conveying much so she grabbed him by the wrist that was holding the letter, “...You know I wish you could stay...but we both know that there isn’t a valid reason for that.”

_One reason came to mind; their relationship. But in the end their relationship was not to be, they had no future together, why should he stay?_ _To keep her company, yes, but also to see the next suitor come? And then the one after that? Stay only to witness her marrying and starting a family?_ _No, thanks._ The though alone hit him like a punch. “...I’m going to miss you, Ma’am.”

She felt her chest tightening and she tried to say it back but she couldn’t bring herself to speak such words, and all the while she ironically remarked that _he wasn’t_ saying that he wanted to stay. She nodded in defeat. _That was the biggest defeat,_ _the fact that he didn’t say he wanted to stay._

_Why was it that a part of her wanted him to drop everything for her when she wasn’t willing to do the same for him?_

After a couple of silent minutes, Podrick felt the urge to give her some privacy and so he made to leave but she stopped him to hug him in silence.

“...I’m disappointed.” he admitted.

“Me too.”

They both knew that what they had wanted and set out to accomplish with their affair had been fulfilled. Their lives were waiting for them after this, after their time together. It wouldn’t be easy to go back but if someone knew what it was to move on, that was Sansa, and even if this was a discouraging goodbye, at least this time she got one; _she hadn't gotten any goodbyes with half her family._

…And Podrick...Podrick was the kind of person who would carry on expecting good things to come and he had always been lucky to get them. Something better had always come along before.

.

.

.

Distance had started to grow between them in the following days, and though Sansa didn’t reject his kisses and caresses, they didn’t feel like before. The joy and happiness between them had vanished.

And the thought of his departure eventually moved into the background thanks to the quarterly meetings between the lords and their Queen.

Sansa was partly grateful for the distractions that kept her quite busy but alone at night as she tried to find some rest, she admitted to herself how much she was going to miss him even if she knew that having him in _King’s Landing_ was best for _the North._

It didn’t even cross Podrick’s mind that he could have a choice; his loyalty was owed first to the _King of the Six Kingdoms_ even if in his mind and heart, that was no longer the case. For the first time he regretted that oath. He could remember Lord Tyrion and Bronn advising him against making it but he still did it, never worrying that he could regret it in the future.

Not that his oath to the King changed a thing. She hadn’t asked him to stay and he didn’t see her sticking her hands in the fire for him, for a future with a disgraced Knight, one without titles or riches. Despite everything they had shared, she was still unattainable to him, _so yes_ , he would treasure what happened between them, _he’d miss her, he’d long for her, and he’d dream about her, and love her from afar._ But he would go back to King’s Landing, the place where he truly belonged...

i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes from the translator: I'm sorry for the delay and I swear I'm not abandoning this story.

**Author's Note:**

> Infinite thanks to Fangfaceandrea for this translation. You are amazing!


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